this is what i mean when i say stubborness can sometimes dominate all...

[Batya33]

I am surprised that you argued with me so strongly and so recently that you were fine not being his girlfriend, and fine just being friends. I agree with all that Annie wrote. He is no longer putting you through any ringer and hasn't been for quite awhile now. It's all you. And that's fine -- what is not fine is your not taking full responsibility for that and for yourself. That's what leads to the "I hate men" mentality or "all men are jerks" rather than being honest with yourself and your boundaries.

 

I saw a ray of hope where you admitted it was too heartbreaking to be around him - don't snuff that out with those hedging comments about how he feels "right now" - because how he feels right now - is all you need to know as far as being good to yourself goes.

[OmegaMan]

In Hunny's defense, it's quite hard not to grasp to that tiny tiny ray of hope. When the ex's say they are THINKING of seeing you (no day, no time planned), you suddently forgot what they put you through and decided they must be having second thoughts.

 

Your mind goes through every possible scenario except the one where you get burned.

 

IMHO:

 

Just because a decision is hard doesn't mean it's wrong.

 

I remember a quote, I think it was in Harry Potter.

 

"You sometimes have to choose between doing what's right or what's easy."

 

I think it says it all.

 

 

[lady00]

I don't think you should bother asking him. Like you said, you know he does not want a relationship. If he ever changes his mind, he'll find you. But I think you've realized now that the fact that seeing him is heartbreaking means you need to cut contact. You are clearly not OK just being friends with him...so step away and be a friend to yourself, first and foremost.

[Gratsy]

I think its stupid to think of anything with him. If he makes you feel a certain way, then you feel that way and shouldn't be around him. People say stuff about mind reading, but ultimately thats what its about. I think you're realizing the right thing. I basically got out of the same situation. I'm super happy with myself, but you have to figure it out on your own. People telling you objectively what is right- just too damn easy for them and basically extremely difficult for you to apply to your own life until you're ready.

[Gratsy]

In Hunny's defense, it's quite hard not to grasp to that tiny tiny ray of hope. When the ex's say they are THINKING of seeing you (no day, no time planned), you suddently forgot what they put you through and decided they must be having second thoughts.

 

Your mind goes through every possible scenario except the one where you get burned.

 

Certainly, certainly. No need to defend her, its understandable. Our minds stretch to catch any of the positive comments the person makes when we want em'. Sometimes we're unhealthy, but its human. People love to delude themselves into believing what they want. But there are cold, solid facts that we can't get around, and those cement blocks are there to bring us back to reality.

[lady00]

People telling you objectively what is right- just too damn easy for them and basically extremely difficult for you to apply to your own life until you're ready.

 

So true. I've been there several times in my life...I can look back on it now and say "wow, I wish I had listened," but the fact is...I didn't listen. I had to ignore the advice and get to my wit's end before I realized that I was going about it the wrong way.

[Gratsy]

So true. I've been there several times in my life...I can look back on it now and say "wow, I wish I had listened," but the fact is...I didn't listen. I had to ignore the advice and get to my wit's end before I realized that I was going about it the wrong way.

 

Yes, basically in my life I've followed other's advice because it was practical and because it was right. But sometimes you gotta convince your heart. Sometimes you MUST learn on your own and just because your mind understands the right decision, it doesn't mean your heart will let go until its ready. So you have to learn the hard way sometimes, you just have to.

[annie24]

yeah, when i was in my late teens/early 20s, i was totally in love with my ex-bf, and i would read into every single little thing he said as proof he wanted me back. i was hung up on him for years. i had a few friends try to tell me to move on, but that never helped much. i just secretely pined over him instead. it wasn't until a few years later that i really realized how much time i wasted on him. sometimes i wonder if i took that time i spent obsessing over him, and decided to meet some other guys, or get involved in something else, perhaps i would be married by now? i don't know. i guess everyone has to learn at their own pace.

[Gratsy]

yeah, when i was in my late teens/early 20s, i was totally in love with my ex-bf, and i would read into every single little thing he said as proof he wanted me back. i was hung up on him for years. i had a few friends try to tell me to move on, but that never helped much. i just secretely pined over him instead. it wasn't until a few years later that i really realized how much time i wasted on him. sometimes i wonder if i took that time i spent obsessing over him, and decided to meet some other guys, or get involved in something else, perhaps i would be married by now? i don't know. i guess everyone has to learn at their own pace.

 

Its practical and easy to get down on ourselves over what seems like wasted time. But you can't convince yourself no matter how right your friends are and how much they care about you. Sometimes you just have to accept yourself and learn at your own pace. So what seems like wasted time and might even had been wasted time was still necessary for you because its a part of life.

[Hunny1607307342]

saw him again today to give him back the dvd

but funnily enough

i feel really great!! I'm so happy. it made my day. i dont know its so weird how one day i feel like this and one day i feel awful.

but he was just being really cute and friendly.

the thing with my situation that people dont quite get is that i am 100% aware that he is not going to ask me back out.

but little things still make me happy

like when he comments on my outfit, or when he tells me to take the next bus for the 10th time because hes enjoying conversation, or when he says how quickly time goes by when we hang out.

I'm obvioulsy not going to make a habit of seeing him and contacting him, but today ive decided to keep things LC rather than go NC.

we both have uni exams soon so he'll keep a low profile til summer for sure- and i will too as ive explained.

i think thats the best idea. focusing on studies.

but anyway with regards to the previous things talked about- what youre all saying is right. when youre in my situation its impossible to just simply listen. i have to go out there and really get stomped to the point where im dying, and maybe then i'll listen and learn.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Hunny - I've noticed that you appear to do a lot of mind-reading for him. You say "but he was just being cute and friendly." Did he tell you that or did you assume that? You say that "I am 100% aware that he is not going to ask me back out." Again, is this your belief, or has he told you this? When you were together, did you mind-read a lot? Do you do this in your everyday life? Mind-reading is listed as one of the top ten things that lead to depression and anxiety according to at least one source.

[lovemeorleaveme00]

I am surprised that you argued with me so strongly and so recently that you were fine not being his girlfriend, and fine just being friends. I agree with all that Annie wrote. He is no longer putting you through any ringer and hasn't been for quite awhile now. It's all you. And that's fine -- what is not fine is your not taking full responsibility for that and for yourself. That's what leads to the "I hate men" mentality or "all men are jerks" rather than being honest with yourself and your boundaries.

 

I saw a ray of hope where you admitted it was too heartbreaking to be around him - don't snuff that out with those hedging comments about how he feels "right now" - because how he feels right now - is all you need to know as far as being good to yourself goes.[/quote

 

THIS IS A FANTASTIC ADVICE! MAKES ME WANT TO GET A NEW BF!

thanks!

[Hunny1607307342]

really interesting about the mind-reading thing. which source is that from?

 

i know him really well so i tend to figure him out most of the time. when we were together i didnt need to because i was comfortable with communicating about anything. but since the break up, obvioulsy due to pride etc. etc. i wouldn't be asking him what is on his mind. but what i do is not really try to mind read him, i just draw conclusions based upon a string of things that he has said to me. he's told me before 'i dont want to go back out with you' right before he said 'i can't move on from you, im stuck' and also said 'in the future things could change'. In short, from his body language and behaviour its pretty clear to me that he is making an effort to establish friendship but hes weary of the fact that he doesnt want things to go too far.

I can tell he still likes me a lot, and i say he's stubborn because he doesn't want to admit that he's still interested in me, but he is. he always tries to prolong conversations, he always is mind-blowingly curious to know what im doing. And this make me feel really good about myself. (I know im probably going to get a lot of comments for saying this like 'you shouldn't care what he thinks- but what can i say, i can't help it).

I'm quite an honest person so i did admit to him that its nice to hear from him and its cool to chat to him telling him about things. but generally over the past few months i try to not give any compliments/show signs im still really to him at a minimum and avoid showing how i feel.

Basically, i'm pretty sure he's very very set on avoiding reconciliation. I've waited and tried so long but he seems so dead set that im tired of waiting for the possibility of 'the future'. At the moment i have exams til the end of june so i guess its a good way to avoid thinking about my heart.

its just a little sad that im so worried about summer...

[EyesOnThePrize]

really interesting about the mind-reading thing. which source is that from?

 

 

Its from "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David C. Burns, and I'm told its one of the classics on depression. Years ago I read his book "Intimate Connections" about relationships. I remember it as being interesting, although I remember few details. One key thing that stood out was that he recommended being comfortable with yourself before you worry about being comfortable with someone else.

[Batya33]

Whether it's because he's stubborn, he'd rather pair his socks, he wants to date other people, he wants his favorite breakfast cereal all to himself --- it doesn't matter "why" - if he does not want to be with you, he does not want to be with you.

 

It reminds me of a guy who broke up with me and wanted to go through this whole discussion about how it wasn't me, it was him, how I was the perfect girlfriend "but" etc - I cut him off and said nicely "it really doesn't matter. for whatever reason you don't want to be with me and unless there is something you want me to change, then the reasons are irrelevant, and if you'd like me to change something I do or don't do we can discuss it and if it makes sense I'll consider it."

 

I wasn't going to give him the privilege of my time and ear so he could get all his feelings off his chest. He lost that privilege when he decided he didn't want to be with me.

[Litgirl01]

That is EXACTLY how I felt! I didn't want any of his reasons...I just wanted him to send me my stuff! I blocked him!! LOL It's really the best way!!

[OmegaMan]

but anyway with regards to the previous things talked about- what youre all saying is right. when youre in my situation its impossible to just simply listen. i have to go out there and really get stomped to the point where im dying, and maybe then i'll listen and learn.

 

Well at least you know you're heading straigth for disaster and are willing to pay the price.

 

I guess some things are worth feeling like you want to die for, when you're paying the price.

 

I still don't understand why post here, however, since you've already made up your mind about the right course of action.

 

I kind of wish you didn't have to go through hell again. But it's your choice.

[pumpkinmoon]

That is EXACTLY how I felt! I didn't want any of his reasons...I just wanted him to send me my stuff! I blocked him!! LOL It's really the best way!!

 

When you say send you your stuff what do you mean? how did you ask him for it?

[Litgirl01]

I had moved over there so he has a bunch of my stuff (clothes etc.)! Initially I asked him to send it back to me. Later I told him to just keep it because he was talking about coming over here in August and bringing it to me! I have no idea why he planned a trip over here. Probably another woman! Arghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

[pumpkinmoon]

Here? as in the UK?

 

My ex has loads of mine too, you might remember me mentioning. I want it back but I really can't handle contacting him to get a cold response. Not just yet anyway

[Litgirl01]

Yup...he has my stuff at his place in the UK. I know what you mean about contacting him. That's why I just say...it's stuff...I'm more important!

[pumpkinmoon]

But he has my fav shoes and about 5 dresses not to mention loads of other stuff. I'll get it back eventually anyway.

[Litgirl01]

lol!!! I hear ya!!

[Hunny1607307342]

Well i know why this guy doesn't want to be with me. its to do with a few aspects of my behaviour back then which he couldn't handle, even though he loved me incredibly. He gave me too many chances to sort myself out but i took every single one of them for granted.

thats why i was saying before hand on another thread that my priority is gaining his trust back. if he trusted i wouldn't mess up again, he would probably want to be with me.

i think he has noticed a few changes, he's pointed some things out. but its not quite enough for him to be convinced things will work out between us. i know the main thing stopping him from considering me again is just fear- of getting in a muddle again.

when we hung out the other day i really did have such a great time, and when i mentioned it to him later he said he had fun too. we just always got on so so so well. the only reason why i said it was heart breaking is because it made me miss him more than ever.

i know he doesn't want to be with me, but i cant help but wonder whether trust will gradually come back in the future.

but like you've all explained, i can't just be hanging on to little rays of hope. its a waste and could end up tragic.

so this morning i was considering hinting towards asking if he'd consider dating me, in the summer time after exams. perhaps say something like 'you're right, time really does go by so quickly whenever we get to talking. it got me thinking. in the summer i was wondering if you'd like to see me a little, or a lot..'

i mean its quite a scary thing to do in case he says something i wouldn't want to hear, but the chance he might actually consider it is something that really makes me want to say it.

I probably wont............

what do you guys think? i know the majority will say no, but just wondering if theres anyone who thinks it doesn't sound too heavy and might actual pass off as quite casual??

[dreamguy]

look, i've been there in your shoes. meeting up for coffee never 'stirred the pot.' you know what did work? moving on. forgetting about him, and just moving forward. when a guy can't meet up with you for coffee, when he is forced to learn what it is like to live without you, that's when he realizes he either can or can't live without you. coffee dates - then he sees enough of you to be satisfied, but doesn't get the chance to know if he NEEDS you back.

 

Loved it!

Simple and straight to the point. I think ALL dumpees (starting with myself ) need to be told exactly what Annie said above.

That's a very important point to keep in mind.

 

Don't romanticize putting up with b.s. as willing to take a risk on love. This isn't a Julia Roberts movie.

 

Again, another good point. We ALL romanticize putting up with someone's b.s. as taking a risk or accepting to make concessions in the name of love. What Love is that when the dumper is treating you so shabbily ? It took me 9 months to understand this and cut contact with my ex even when I still love her as much as I did before.