You know what bugs me?

[EyesOnThePrize]

People who assume that because things didn't work out for them, they won't work out for you. People who assume that because my ex has some characteristics in common with their ex, that my ex IS their ex. People who assume that because they haven't changed, I won't change. People who assume that because their ex didn't change, my ex won't change. I think we are all individuals, and no two relationships are the same.

 

I think the odds are against a reconciliation, and I'm not banking my life on one. And I also think that playing the odds all the time is not the way to lead life. With greater risk comes greater reward.

 

I've been through several boards, and while I think ENA has its share of naysayers and doom and gloomers, the I like that there is a specific board for Getting Back Together and I like that there are people giving what I consider to be very useful advice on how to handle these situations has made it by far the most useful (to me) of the boards I've visited. I've been here maybe 2 weeks and I have a very different perspective on some things. I'm very grateful for that.

[lillie]

I haven't been here long either. But i have to say it was the best site i ever accidentally dropped on. Iv had sound advice since ive been here,not all but most. But the best thing is there is ALWAYS someone here to listen to you

[CallingAllAngels]

ENA was the BEST support group I found for my Divorce, and it's On Line.

 

I found no "group" in the city I live in to be nearly as helpful.

 

Thanks for pointing this out.

 

~Allie

[midnightrambler]

I haven't been here long either. But i have to say it was the best site i ever accidentally dropped on. Iv had sound advice since ive been here,not all but most. But the best thing is there is ALWAYS someone here to listen to you

 

i am here for you lillie

[lady00]

Are those people you refer to really making assumptions, or are they making educated guesses based on comparisons with similar situations? I think there's a fine line.

 

I would say I am probably one of those doom and gloom people when it comes to getting back together....because, most of the time, when people post here (including me...I've posted about getting back together in the past), there is really nothing to say their ex wants them back, and I can only say based on my experience that if there is no evidence an ex wants their ex back, chances are it is way more hurtful to hope for reconciliation, than it is to heal and move on. That and, the only people I know of who've gotten back together moved on and dated others before getting back together. So, I think people's experiences do color the advice they give, but I don't think they're necessarily making assumptions about others' situations.

[Mock Chop]

I get annoyed with the 'people never change' attitude too, sometimes. Purely because I know I've changed - and if I can do it, anyone can. I'm not kidding myself either. I have a whole new perspective on things and have identified and acknowledged the ways in which my actions/reactions and behaviours led to the downfall of my relationship. I know what lead to those actions, I know now why they happened - and I can move forward and ensure that I don't fall into that pattern again.

 

People can and DO change. No one can make them do it though. Sometimes it takes a great loss to turn your gaze inward. To look at yourself objectively is hard, but it's worth it.

[Litgirl01]

I very much believe that reconcilliation is possible. It's just such a hindrance to healing if you hold on to that...and it sets you up to be hurt all over again. I am REALLY wrestling with that right now. I shouldn't even want to reconcile with this guy...he is completely unavailable for commitment. I still want him to want me back. It's been two weeks and I haven't broken NC...I hope as time goes by I will be able to let go. Super Dave's post was really good...helped. Anyway, I agree, no two situations are the same. We all want a happy ending. However, sometimes the happy ending is not what we want it to be at the moment! xx

[lillie]

i am here for you lillie

 

Thank you for that! You have helped me and it hasn't gone unnoticed,neither have the laughs!! I will be here for you too my American friend!

[EyesOnThePrize]

I sometimes think of the Garth Brooks song "Unanswered prayers." The tag line of "Sometimes God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers" can be very true. Who is to say I won't meet someone "better" than my ex while we're apart? Not me, I don't have a crystal ball. And a year or five years from now I may say "Wow, I was silly to ever think of getting back with her." Only time will tell.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I'm not a fan of people discouraging other people from going after what they want- because even if they don't get what they want- there is still a life experience to be had... maybe a lesson to learn.... maybe it WILL work out.

 

You never know- i believe that people have to experience their own experience. Do things in their own time...

 

support to me .. looks like supporting someone in THEIR decisions .. not mine.... unless of course what they are about to do is just a bad bad bad idea..then i tell them what i think ..but for the most part... to each is own.

 

"support" isn't always telling someone what YOU think....sometimes its getting them to come to terms with what THEY think.

[Litgirl01]

I'm not a fan of people discouraging other people from going after what they want- because even if they don't get what they want- there is still a life experience to be had... maybe a lesson to learn.... maybe it WILL work out.

 

You never know- i believe that people have to experience their own experience. Do things in their own time...

 

support to me .. looks like supporting someone in THEIR decisions .. not mine.... unless of course what they are about to do is just a bad bad bad idea..then i tell them what i think ..but for the most part... to each is own.

 

"support" isn't always telling someone what YOU think....sometimes its getting them to come to terms with what THEY think.

 

I second this!!

[EyesOnThePrize]

Healing - I think there's a lot to what you just said. When I'm asking about my relationship and my ex, I want to hear their views, from what I think is a more objective standpoint than mine, of my situation, based on the information I've given. I think that part of that may be asking me for more information. I don't want to hear their views, from their non-objective situation, of why my situation is their situation. Sure, I think they may have valuable input because of similarities, and the bottom line to me is that it is not the same situation, just similar.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Healing - I think there's a lot to what you just said. When I'm asking about my relationship and my ex, I want to hear their views, from what I think is a more objective standpoint than mine, of my situation, based on the information I've given. I think that part of that may be asking me for more information. I don't want to hear their views, from their non-objective situation, of why my situation is their situation. Sure, I think they may have valuable input because of similarities, and the bottom line to me is that it is not the same situation, just similar.

 

 

yes i agree- its more of "informational gathering" then it is advise seeking...

 

thats a distinction that a lot of people don't seem to understand.

[lilypadgirl]

Heehee, I was watching Scrubs just yesterday where Elliot and Keith started living together and were fighting and finally Carla steps in and asks Elliot why she didn't listen when Carla warned her earlier about how hard it was going to be since Carla's been through all that already. And then Elliot and Keith looked at each other (sitting on opposite ends of the couch) and said to each other, she doesn't understand how special our love is and they embrace and kiss passionately and that was the end of their fight. And Carla rolls her eyes in resignation.

 

Actually I'm going to play devil's advocate here...I think actually a lot of times, the specifics of our situations are very different, but many of the underlying reasons and results are the same. But we'd all like to think certain specific things matter a lot, when I think in reality they probably don't. This is very hard thing to digest and accept. I think once someone is ready to accept that, they are starting to heal and move on.

 

I think when we push really hard on the "but they haven't considered THIS specific that is different between us" we are trying to convince ourselves too hard that certain specifics matter. I think there's a balance between we get frustrated with others because we don't hear what we want to hear versus they get too self-absorbed into their own situations to give us a productive piece of advice.

 

But I agree with Eyes, most of the times we want people to give us their opinions and perspectives on OUR situation, and not tell us about their situation. But the thing is, no one can ever get a purely objective view of our situation since they haven't lived it. They can only tell us what they think from their experiences and perspectives and usually that's through looking for similarities. It's up to us to decide which advice is valuable and which to discard.

[Litgirl01]

It helps me to hear about other people's situations. Most people try to think of ways they can relate then they go to give advice. We can learn from other people's experinces. Lillypad is right...take what you can use and discard the rest. I mean that's why "wise men" are wise...because they have life experiences. Everyone here is trying to heal...it helps to relate your situation to others! xx

[pumpkinmoon]

I know a lot of us say that since our break ups we have changed and I think a lot of us have and have healed somewhat but if we do want them back that badly and we truly believe they are "The One" how will we ever heal completely if we never get them back? Not because we need them like we once though we did but because we want them. Of course irt could turn out that we meet other people down the line who will make us happier than our ex ever could, but what if we always have to settle for second best and our ex's remain our number 1 until the day we die?

[musashi]

As for getting an objective viewpoint, I can say that it is rather difficult to get here on ENA. Most of the posters are going through a point in their life where their thoughts are consumed by their ex - myself included. EVERYTHING is about their ex and their past relationship. And alot of times they bring that into their conversations in real life and their posts here on ENA. I know that I am guilty of it and have commented about that fact.

 

I have noticed posters going through certain phases as well. Sometimes they will be in the "anger" phase and post advice that is cruel. I recall getting a comment that I thought was a tad bit offensive when I was asking for advice. They said "It is over. Has been for a long time. Forget it and move on." While somewhere deep inside I knew that to be a very wise piece of advice, I did not want to hear it.

 

I was a lurker here for a few months before I started posting. I remember going to the "getting back together" forum and being amazed at how everyone was saying "NC" to everything someone would post. It made me mad sometimes. I was looking for a specific solution to my specific problem. However, when I went NC, my girlfriend came back to me. I was amazed that the advice that I thought was total crap actually worked. I later went against further advice and, much to my detriment, things blew up in my face. I have come to appreciate everyone's advice and comments on here, even though they may sound cruel at times and alot of times it is crap I do not want to hear, I still try to take it all in.

[Andy_2007]

I only ever take the decision to give my advice to anyone on here when I think it will help them with the healing process.

 

sometimes this does come accross as cruel and a bit harsh, but sometimes that's necessary.

 

even though its been nine months since this split and I've had others where i've been on both sides, i always worry that i'm no expert on break ups and shouldn't be offering up advice! but, the only way anyone gets a good idea of what to do is to take every piece of advice they get and decide what's the same about them and what feels right. i'm very happy to contribute to that

 

its also very helpful and healthy to write your own experiences and opinions down as it can clear your head wonderfully.

 

sometimes, you can tend to only take on board the advice you want to to suit your own desires...but you always get someone who says things in just the right way to slap you in the face and make you see things a bit more objectively.

 

whoever started this forum needs a frickin' medal

[Litgirl01]

This site has been a savior to me!! I don't know what I would have done without it! I can tell that it is helping me heal quicker!! xx

[NorthDallas40]

It really is interesting how my friends IRL have reacted to my LDR ex situation. One says "Move closer to her and see what happens," one says "Forget her, she's not worth it," one says "Maybe she still cares", one says "She's GOT to still care about you" and on and on. And generally their advice is based on their personal experience, and I always have to keep that in mind.

 

As far as ENA is concerned, this forum has been the most helpful in showing the wide variety of situations people are in... yet seeing how many patterns occur again and again to different people all over the world. It's made me able to expect ANYTHING that happens concerning my ex, good or bad.

 

For instance, when my ex invites me to see her one day, then cancels four days later with the flimsiest of reasons, I know at least a dozen people on this forum have had the EXACT same thing happen to them. And I can take some comfort in that, as well as keep my guard up for the next time.

 

In short, ENA really DOES live up to its name!