New ex BF advice

[littlej]

I need some advice from the field:

 

To make a long story short I met this girl and everything is going well. She started to say that she loved me after a month and everything started to takeoff really quickly. We were talking about the future and everything was positive. Three months in I went out of town for the weekend and when I came back she was very cold. She admitted it and I told her that we needed a talk. So we did. She broke down and told me that she still had feelings for and ex she dated last summer for about 3 months. She said that he would not be the man that she needed him to be. He had too much growing up to do and he did not want anything serious.

 

After we broke up we talked a few times and she stated reasons why we broke up like, "she had no feelings for me anymore" and "I never had feelings for you" and "things got awkward" I know she had deep feelings for me. I found out through a third party a few weeks later that she broke up with me and started hanging out with her old BF immediately. He came back reassuring her that he is a changed man. I called her after I found out and politely told her that she lied. I did not scream and yell just a simple "you lied to me about him" (she told me when we were dating that she just hung out with him over the summer, not a full blown relationship) I went no contact since the 13th and have not heard from her.

 

The thing I don't understand is this guy is certainly not me. They got into fights constantly. He would try to control her and who she hung out with. I know deep down inside and her friends and coworkers would agree that she is making a huge mistake.

 

I just don't get it? Am i missing something. If you have a relationship where everything is going well why would you end it to go back to an ex you dated for 3 months that was bad? Is this a case where the grass is greener? I have been upset ever since and I know NC is the way to go. Its just hard and I need some insight from you guys.

 

Great site BTW.

 

Side note we are both career bound late 20's she wants to settle down so do I, her ex not so much.

[snake_eater]

this girl is treating you like crap! lot of people think theyre in love after a month, I just find it hard to believe the "love" is real when people are apparently falling in love every 6 months with each gf/bf lol ... attraction is a diffirent thing.

[Dako]

She must still be attached to the other guy.

Women sometimes can't let go of an abusive or troubled guy, even if they meet someone who treats them better.

THey get hooked on the drama and intensity of that sort of thing, or adapt to it with dependancy.

Stick with NC and look forward to meeting someone heathier.

[littlej]

You guys make sense. I just hate how she would fall for a partner that is inferior. Something I just don't understand.

[EyesOnThePrize]

My ex fell for a guy whom I believe is inferior to me (of course, I think I'm also biased) however I believe he was meeting certain emotional needs better than I was, which made him more attractive than I was to her. In time, I think she'll see that his complete package isn't all she thought it was. Your gal may figure out the same thing.

[whatadrag]

Yes....how do people fall in love so quickly? I mean my X dated a girl for three weekends and told her he was falling in love with her a few weeks ago. He dated me for three years and broke off our engagement 3 months ago and still says he loves me. Sometimes I think people are rebounding and want that thrill that they had in the first relationship when it was new and to just be back in a secure relationship ASAP.

 

Does anyone really think that stuff lasts though?

[EyesOnThePrize]

I think it can last, however I think lasting rebounds are the exception, rather than the rule. In my ex's case, I think she has a huge fear of being alone, which led her to jump into the new relationship. That, plus this guy has been hitting on her for a year and a half. I think she loves him (interestingly enough, she says she's not sure if she's in love with him) and I think she loves me, too, however I think she has a lot of resentment against me for past behaviors, and I see her sense in that.

 

I'm encouraging her to explore this new relationship. I think she'll find out this guy's true character within a few months and will either decide to stay in another unhappy relationship, or will get out. Or, this guy will realize that she's a lot more to handle on a day to day basis than she is when he talks to her on the internet, or sees her for two days at a time at a convention, and he may end up dumping her. Either way, that's their problem, not mine. If she wants to find me when that breaks down, she knows where I live. To me, the only questions are whether or not I'll be with someone else or not by that point and whether or not she's really ready to address the issues that hurt our relationship the first time around.

[littlej]

My ex fell for a guy whom I believe is inferior to me (of course, I think I'm also biased) however I believe he was meeting certain emotional needs better than I was, which made him more attractive than I was to her. In time, I think she'll see that his complete package isn't all she thought it was. Your gal may figure out the same thing.

 

Yes I agree but she states that when she met him she knew he was the one on their first meeting. She did not feel this with me . I mentioned that it takes more than sparks on an initial introduction for it to work. He would get pissed when she would go out with her girlfriends? He would say "you gonna talk about me?" Talk about immature, he would question her every move and she got sick of it. Months later he came back saying that he grew up and was a new man. I guess she bought the fact that a man can change that quickly. I don't see it?!

[EyesOnThePrize]

Yes I agree but she states that when she met him she knew he was the one on their first meeting. She did not feel this with me . I mentioned that it takes more than sparks on an initial introduction for it to work. He would get pissed when she would go out with her girlfriends? He would say "you gonna talk about me?" Talk about immature, he would question her every move and she got sick of it. Months later he came back saying that he grew up and was a new man. I guess she bought the fact that a man can change that quickly. I don't see it?!

 

It sounds to me like she's in the new love stage where he can do no wrong. I see huge flaws in my ex's new guy. For instance, she refuses to acknowledge that he was after her for months. I think she truly believes that his romantic interest in her started after she told him about the divorce. I'll look at that two ways. First, let's assume he had no interest before the divorce. What type of guy starts going after an emotionally vulnerable woman the minute he hears she's getting divorced? Second, let's assume he was hitting on her under the guise of "friendship" before the divorce. How insecure does a guy have to be to go after another man's wife? She doesn't see that now. These days she tells me how everything I could think of negative about him is wrong, so I don't even bring it up anymore. Besides, I don't think its my job to bring it up.

 

If your gal is similar, she is not seeing the flaws in this guy at this time. She is just seeing what created that initial spark. As they spend time together, I suspect she will see his flaws. I also think she may ignore them at first, and pass them off as "little things." It may only be after months that she realizes she's not who she thought he was. Now, that being said, maybe he did change, or maybe he's started to change and is actively working on changing. In that case, maybe he is a better match for her. I don't think there's any way to find that out except the passage of time. I could be totally wrong about my ex's new guy, and he could be perfect for her. If I am, more power to both of them. I will find someone else. I just don't believe I am, and I believe that someone I still love very much will suffer pain she doesn't need to suffer because of it, and that's her choice. Hopefully if it happens as I suspect it will she will choose to grow from the experience.

 

I really liked a lot of what I read in this thread. Perhaps you can find some useful tidbits there, too.

[littlej]

Yes, i read that thread thru and thru. The thing that puzzles me is that she dates him for about 3 months, breaks up in August and starts to see me in late November. Then she dumps me and goes out with him immediately. Is he the rebound or am I or both. If she can jump to him so quickly can it really work?

[segor56]

she doesn't know how to function if she is not in a relationship. that's my best guess.

 

there are a lot of people like that. he probably was still 'there' all along. they were talking most likely more than you thought they were.

 

to answer you question about 'who is the rebound?'... I'd say she is a giant rebound..... sounds like a bad basketball game.

[2001Acura]

This is an interesting post and it's exactly the same situation I find myself after dating my gf for 3 mos.

 

I was introduced to this girl through my bros. and sister-in-law. She seemed to be a nice Christian girl, great morals, values, etc. We hit it off perfectly. Typically she goes home to see her family for the holidays, but instead, this time she even went so far as to invite her parents and family in for the holidays, so they could meet me too. Everything went fine and as usual, the parents, grandparents and aunt & uncle loved me.

We make it through New Years, still everything is fine, then we get to the end of January, which was coming up on 3 mos. dating. We were having a convo. about past relationships, because a coworker ran into someone I dated two years ago. So, she begins asking me questions about the relationship, and I replied "it was somebody I dated a couple years ago", but she insisted on asking me more questions. Finally, I came out and said, "it was somebody I dated a couple years ago, but it really turned out to be all about sex and really nothing more and the relationship fizzled out. She went ballistic! Up to now, we had never had a disagreement at ALL!

Long story short, after that night, she withdrew from the relationship and I called it quits three weeks later. Come to find out, now she's back with her ex boyfriend, who's an "aspiring" pro golfer/alcholohic/atheist. Yes, that's right, he's an atheist! Go figure, good Christian girl goes back to her Atheist ex, to date happily ever after. Oh yea, he also lives 500 miles away and she typically see's him once every four mos.

She did the same thing to me! Started a fight about a silly comment forced a breakup, so she could rekindle the flame with her ex.

What the hell?

[littlej]

Crazy isn't it?!