Living with parents, not so easy

[Gracelove]

Okay, I must say I'm grateful they are allowing me to live with them, however, that doesn't make all of the problems go away.

 

I think I've been doing pretty well. I have a job, although it doesn't pay much at the moment. And I'll be taking a test soon so that I can have a second job (one that pays).

 

So, I think I'm doing pretty decently.

 

My parents on the other hand....not so much.

 

I can't seem to do enough.

 

They want me to apply for jobs everyday. That doesn't seem unreasonable.

 

The problem is that they won't allow me to do anything on my own.

 

There are very few boundaries when living with my parents.

 

Everything has to be done their way.

 

If I decide to go to the gym on a regular basis, and skip a day. I have to hear about it from them, even though it's something I was doing for myself.

 

Anywho, they are stressing me out, big time. I have PTSD, and stress doesn't help me at all.

 

I try to go along with whatever my parents want, because otherwise they can make my life a living hell.

 

I guess I just need to vent.

 

I've been doing really well managing my stress, now I feel that I'm not doing so well.

 

There is this place that needs a receptionist, and my mother wants me to turn in an application there.

 

But I don't want to work there.

 

It won't pay as much as the job I'll be taking a test for, yet she is making me feel guilty for not applying.

 

I don't want to be a receptionist for my second job. It doesn't pay nearly enough. And it's so far away that gas will eat of much of what they are likely to pay me, it doesn't make sense.

 

I've had to develop sooooooo much patience as a result of a traumatic experience. And I feel like my parents are being impatient.

 

They say they don't mind me living here as long as I'm productive. But I think I'm being pretty productive.

 

I'm just really nervous, because stress doesn't agree with me at all. It seems to impair my ability to fuction. And I don't want to be like that again.

 

I think I'm managing very well without therapy.

 

I've managed to put up with any putdowns my mother dishes out. I've gotten used to them making me talk on the phone with anyone who calls the house for me (whether I want to or not). I do basically everything they tell me to do. It's just getting to be too much.

 

Also, they treat me as if I'm incapable of taking care of myself. I feel like they don't give me any credit.

 

I did go off to college. Aside from being stalked and raped I did pretty well.

 

I mean, I didn't even do those things, they were done to me, so why should I be treated like I'm incompetent because of it?

 

That doesn't mean that I can't take care of myself.

 

And they give me soooo many mixed messages.

 

I just don't know what to do.

 

I wonder if moving out when I get a second job will be good for me.

 

I long to be independent.

 

But logically it makes more sense to stay home and save money.

 

I have a friend who said she was going to move into a condo when she left home.

But she got impatient and left before she could afford one. Now she's living in an apartment and is "struggling".

 

I told her not to move out so soon. So I guess I should just follow my own advice.

 

Working two jobs, will keep me really busy anyway. I'll be gone a lot, so I won't have to deal with them as much.

 

Gosh, it's challenging though.

 

Parents will always treat you like a child, beause that's who you are to them, their child.

 

I just miss feeling like an adult. I realllllly do.

 

I'm trying to be patient though.

 

Is anyone else out there living with their parents and having a difficult time?

[richmonder80]

Breath.....let it out...calm down...everything will be fine.

 

Next time your parents gets on you for something, like you resting a day off from the gym, just simply reply, "I am taking a day off from the gym, my body needs rest to function well, like the mind". Say it with a calm tone of voice where everything is in your control.

 

When they are nagging at you to apply for a specific job, tell them that your energy is better spent concentrating on jobs that you want to pursue your career in (if you dont have a career you want to stay with, then just simply tell them, you have something you are working on right now so you want to concentrate on that opportunity).

 

The key is to remain calm, don't lash out and be annoyed with them. The reason why they are all in your business is because they don't feel that you have it under control and they have the need to help you or assist you in putting in the control in your life.

 

It is ok, not to have control of it but present it to your parents that you do have everything under control.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Grace, it does make logical sense to save money, but look at yourself right now. You've already got a lot to deal with and a lot of healing to do - the criticism and pressure from your parents is essentially locking you into stasis, where you can't move on or forward - you're stuck in the same place. I think that you need to get away from your parents to be able to recover. You might save money by staying with them, but your sanity and your emotional health is more important than money.

[beauty21]

I know what you mean. I'm back with my parents too. It is stressful and helpful at the same time. I lost my job and they are complaining about utility bills and me needing to find another job. Which I have been trying to do.

[Gracelove]

Whew! LOL! You are right. I just need to relax. I get quite worked up at times.

 

You're right, they definitely don't think I can handle things on my own.

 

I'll just stick to my plan, and when I get my second job I think they'll see that I can handle things pretty well.

 

Thanks for the advice!

 

~Grace

[Gracelove]

Grace, it does make logical sense to save money, but look at yourself right now. You've already got a lot to deal with and a lot of healing to do - the criticism and pressure from your parents is essentially locking you into stasis, where you can't move on or forward - you're stuck in the same place. I think that you need to get away from your parents to be able to recover. You might save money by staying with them, but your sanity and your emotional health is more important than money.

 

Hey There! How's it going?!

 

That's what I worry about. I wonder if having my own space will be good for me, emotionally.

 

Being on my own, independent....I think it'll renew my confidence.

 

And you're right, I do get stuck in a rut. It's like I just freeze up.

 

Having my own space, it just seems like it would be heaven.

 

I don't want to become too dependent on my parents.

 

And on one hand they want me to leave, but on the other hand they don't.

 

I'm their youngest child, and they are extremely protective over me. Especially my dad.

 

I just don't want to feel like a baby.

 

My mother has gotten much better, she has. Although I do have to hear about my weight every other day. But I also think I've gotten more used to some of the things she says, I don't really object anymore.

 

On one hand, if I move out, I can always move back if it doesn't work out.

 

Anywho, you definitely have a point. Living with my parents doesn't seem to be bringing out my best points.

 

You hit the nail right on the head, I feel paralyzed to a certain extent. It makes me sad, but I don't feel like I can do anything about it.

 

I'm going to see what I can do about moving out. Maybe I'll be able to make the move by the end of the year.

 

If it doesn't work out, I can always come back.

 

Moving out may lift my spirits.

 

Thanks for the advice!

 

~Grace

[Gracelove]

I know what you mean. I'm back with my parents too. It is stressful and helpful at the same time. I lost my job and they are complaining about utility bills and me needing to find another job. Which I have been trying to do.

 

LOL! You poor thing! I know you can relate then.

 

When I wasn't working, my parents treated me like absolute crap!

 

I was wondering why they were being so mean, then all of a sudden it hit me, they didn't like me at home.

 

After the company I worked for closed, I was off for 2 months. They are so horrible. To them it felt less like two months and more like 8 months. Then I got a job for the holidays, and things were pleasant again. When that job ended, they weren't happy campers any longer.

 

I am now working at the grocery store down the hill from our house.

 

I am making less money than I was on unemployment but they seem more content. Weird isn't it.

 

I'm really starting to think that I should move out.

 

Simply because I think they are unhappy with me here. I think it makes them feel like failures.

When I'm working, they feel a little less like failures, so they are a bit nicer.

 

So ya, what can be said about that?

 

But then when you do move out, they still want the control.

 

Like, when I was away at college, I couldn't let 3 days pass without calling home. Otherwise my parents would chew me out.

 

I'd get in soooo much trouble!

 

Anywho, what can I say?

[mynn]

I guess most cotroling parent are like that since i'm having the same issues that you have. My current resolution is just keep quiet, even though it kill me not to say anything back to them.

 

I think you need to look for a better job with a better pay and get out from your parent house and be independent since this is my current plan. At least then you could show to your parent that you can look after yourself. Anyhow and anyway parent would always think that their children are still their babies that's why they act this way. That's what i think.

 

Hope it could help.

[Gracelove]

I guess most cotroling parent are like that since i'm having the same issues that you have. My current resolution is just keep quiet, even though it kill me not to say anything back to them.

 

I think you need to look for a better job with a better pay and get out from your parent house and be independent since this is my current plan. At least then you could show to your parent that you can look after yourself. Anyhow and anyway parent would always think that their children are still their babies that's why they act this way. That's what i think.

 

Hope it could help.

 

Hey There!!!

 

I totally agree with you. They are so used to "parenting" that they don't know how to tone it down when their child grows up.

 

I have decided to move out as well. Not having independence is killing me.

 

I have my own mind, my own brain....but, I don't know. It sucks that my opinion doesn't seem to matter to them.

 

They are sooo controlling it's ridiculous. They seem incapable of changing their behavior (in the regard) so I'll have to move.

 

Oh well.

[Excalibur]

I totally agree with you. They are so used to "parenting" that they don't know how to tone it down when their child grows up.

When you're financially self-sufficient and not coming to them for assistance or rescue - but advice on stocks and investment, then make the decision if they'r treating you like the adult you would be at that point.

 

Right now - you're living in their house claiming to be grown up - becuase of your physical age. Not your financial status, your emotional maturity, or your self-responsibility.

 

 

 

I have decided to move out as well. Not having independence is killing me.

 

I have my own mind, my own brain....but, I don't know. It sucks that my opinion doesn't seem to matter to them.

I'm sure your opinions and views matter. But the thing is - your opinions and views in conjunction with your reasoning and expectations and actions PRODUCE FAILURE FOR INDEPENDENT LIVING. So you're not going to be heard as an equal - when you haven't achieved the status of being equal to the task of living as an independnet, secure, self-responsible adult.

 

 

 

They are sooo controlling it's ridiculous. They seem incapable of changing their behavior (in the regard) so I'll have to move.

 

A suggestion is to realize that they're always going to be in control - until you take responsibility for your life. So when you move this time - commit to yourself to never returning to their roof or living on their dime. Get creative, get responsible, get accountable, and make sure that everything in your life revolves around you retaining your financial independence. That allows you the freedom to create your own personality, and it gives you rights you don't have while living under someone else's roof.

[Gracelove]

I see your point. This is something I should expect until I'm completely financially independent.

 

Although I don't think it's right.

 

I think I should still be given my own space.

 

My parents talked me into coming back home. Do you know that? I didn't want to come back. But they talked me into it.

 

And it's hard to be productive when you are constantly being put down. It's really hard.

 

My parents are good parents. They have good intentions and have provided for me financially.

 

But they weren't there in many other ways. And they were so unbelievably controlling, that they didn't allow me to do anything on my own.

 

All I knew, my whole life, is that I had to do what they told me to do. If I didn't well, I would be physically punished. So they created a dependent being.

 

I always ran to them, to find out what they wanted me to do. What they thought I should do. I still do it now, to a certain extent, unfortunately.

 

And then when I was 17 years old, they sent me off to college. These people who had controlled and sheltered me my entire life. They kicked me out into the real world, far away from home.

 

And then when I got in abusive relationship, and was raped, you know what they did? They blamed me. I had to hear about how they thought they taught me better. How they thought the taught me about people (while they kept me in home school and sent me to a private all girls school). They had all this freedom growing up, they keep me under a microscope, and then they expect us to turn out the same way.

 

Even when I wasn't under their roof they still had control over me. I wasn't allowed to work while I was in school. I wasn't allowed to do a lot of things.

 

And yes, people can say I'm "allowing" them to control me. But it's hard to get from under that when that is alllll that you know.

 

Now maybe I should just do what I want to do, regardles of what they say.

 

They infiltrate every area of my life.

 

It's not like these are my parents and they do their thing and I do mine, and we just live under the same roof.

 

It's not like that at all.

 

I rarely get my own time to myself, to just think.

 

Anywho, when I move out this time, I'm not coming back. That has been my plan from the beginning.

 

I'm trying to stand on my own two feet, to keep it together, but it doesn't help when my parents are working against me.

 

I can deal with anyone else doing that, but not my own parents.

 

I was raised to please them. To do what they said, do what they wanted when they wanted.

And now that I'm 24 years old, it's all a little much. I want my own voice.

 

I'm trying to overcome a lot.

 

My mom always cares about what others think. I was taught to care about what others think.

 

If I move away, I know I'm not going to want to talk to them for a while, and I worry that will make me a bad daughter.

 

Anywho, in a month or two, I should have the jobs that I want, so I'll be able to move out.

 

But until then....I have to deal with it.

 

You know what? After thinking about what you said, I feel a lot better.

I'm not a victim of my circumstances. And if I make my own money, and move out I can do WHATEVER I feel like doing.

I mean, when I really think about it, you are actually right. My parents will have absolutely no control or say over my life.

LOL! It makes me feel so happy thinking about that.

I kept thinking they would still be in control. Because I thought about when I was away in college, they were still in control then.

But I still didn't realize my own power really.

And then, after rape, when I wanted to become completely independent of my parents, they didn't want me to.

Because for the first time in my life, they wouldn't be able to control me!

So, I really shouldn't be afraid of anything. I can make it on my own. I can do what I want to do!

If my parents say I have to call them every 3 days, guess what? I won't! There is nothing they'll be able to do to punish me for not listening to them! I'll have my own place, with my own locks, and everything!

I mean, even when I was looking for jobs. My dad was telling me not to apply to certain places, because they were too far away from home.

I shouldn't have listened!

And I stopped looking at jobs that I wanted, because my parents always involved themselves in my job searches and made comments. They told me not to apply for this or that. And to apply for other things.

I mean, really!

But once I have my own money, I can completely separate myself from them!

I think I lose sight of that you know? I don't know why I seem to feel that I have to be connected to my parents at the hip.

And I hear all of my mother's critisms in my head, and I should just rebel against them.

I mean, it is kind of pathetic that I sit home, depressed with an eating disorder, because I feel I'll never have a life of my own.

I'm not going to do it anymore.

I even had a little fear of moving out. Because of the experiences I had, I was afraid to live alone. But you know what? That doesn't matter.

If I'm going to be raped or killed, it's going to happen. Why worry about such things?

I should live my life, and whatever happens, happens.

Thanks for your comment.

When I get upset or angry, I'll just read it and remember that financial independence is my key to freedom.

[Excalibur]

I see your point. This is something I should expect until I'm completely financially independent.

 

Although I don't think it's right. Life is not about fair or right. Life is what you make of it for yourself - period.

 

I think I should still be given my own space. go rent your own space and you'll hvae it. Unless they live in a home whre there is a separate living quarters complete with living and kitchen/utility area - it's impossible for you to have your own space. What you mena is you don't want to answer to anybody for what you're doing, when, with your resources, while living at their expense. That is ridiculous. Equivalent to wanting to collect a paycheck and never go in to work or produce a marketable effort.

 

My parents talked me into coming back home. Do you know that? I didn't want to come back. But they talked me into it. That's a contradictory statement. If you can't afford to live on your own, they couldnt' have talked you into coming back home. They presented you with an offer, which sounded better than any other option you had at the time. If they'd talked you into it and you found now you don't like it - you could afford to leave and do oit. Asyou can't - they didn't talk you into anything they presented the best offer you could get in light of financial insolvency.

 

And it's hard to be productive when you are constantly being put down. It's really hard. Here's a hint....I've been where you are, what you hear now sa put downs and judgeement and criticism, is really just suggestions most likely. They want you to be financially independent, living a life you're happy living.....they're making all sorts of suggestions based on their life experiences. You hear it as judgement, and if you react against it as that - you're likely to shortchange yourself for a long period of time if not permanently in life.

 

 

My parents are good parents. They have good intentions and have provided for me financially. That's actually enabling - not parenting at this point. they ought to give you 30 days to make friends, find jobs, find options, and create your own out-road. That's parenting. They're enabling...and you're griping.

 

 

 

But they weren't there in many other ways. And they were so unbelievably controlling, that they didn't allow me to do anything on my own. It'll be hard to hear - but if you'd think of them letting you "do" everything you think they prevented - were you asking them to fund your demise? In retrospect, would what you have pursued had the results you intended it to have - so that you'd have had the life you wish you did. If so - pursue those things now -nobody is stopping you but you. IFnot - realizing they were not exercising control -but common sense.

 

 

 

All I knew, my whole life, is that I had to do what they told me to do. If I didn't well, I would be physically punished. So they created a dependent being.s an adult, you get to choose if you are going to rely and depend on life and those around you for your existence or not. As a child, you had less options.....as an adult - you have many.

 

 

I always ran to them, to find out what they wanted me to do. What they thought I should do. I still do it now, to a certain extent, unfortunately. That's the catch 22 of your parent/child dynamic right now, it's a negative on both sides. You continue to look to them for approval and input...while resenting the need/habit of it. and they continue to provide the sustenance and input - out of habit of it.

 

Simply put they ought to cut you off - shove you out of the nest, and you'd survive or die. Either way - you'd be free of what you term control, and they term bondage of your dependence.

 

 

And then when I was 17 years old, they sent me off to college. These people who had controlled and sheltered me my entire life. They kicked me out into the real world, far away from home. Listen, you're complaining becuase you can't get away from them - yet you say they at their expense funded you living in a higher ed environment away from them.

 

What you want - is them to fund your independence, without the restriction of school. IT won't work.

 

 

 

 

And then when I got in abusive relationship, and was raped, you know what they did? They blamed me. I had to hear about how they thought they taught me better. How they thought the taught me about people (while they kept me in home school and sent me to a private all girls school). They had all this freedom growing up, they keep me under a microscope, and then they expect us to turn out the same way. It is tragic you were raped. Learning from the experience to find yourself is possible, if you choose to do it. They're now protecting you from "yourself" - while you seek to get a protected environment "with yourself with options' - it won't work.

 

 

Even when I wasn't under their roof they still had control over me. I wasn't allowed to work while I was in school. I wasn't allowed to do a lot of things. Likely why you were eligible for college at 17, was a focus on your education vs. extra activities, work, etc.

 

 

And yes, people can say I'm "allowing" them to control me. But it's hard to get from under that when that is alllll that you know. If you read what you just wrote - realize you're in the hands of the jailer that will never harm you per se. What you just wrote is that unless people tell me what to do, provide, and allow, protect, and control me - I'm completely lost, useless, a victim to life and a victim to my own ineptitude. So you're screaming with every fiber of your being at all times to the world "victimize me".....becuase you refuse to take control of yourself and your destiny. Your parents are protecting you from the predators of the world, that you attract with your attitude.

 

 

Now maybe I should just do what I want to do, regardles of what they say. You could, just don't expect them to bail you out. If when you do something you wouldn't do it with the back up plan of "if it doesn't turn out like I want/hope/need - then mom and dad will help me out" - you'd be free to do what you wnt. As long as you're willing to deal lwith teh consequences of your actions - you can take any action you please. Don't do th crime, if you can't do the time - so to speak.

 

 

They infiltrate every area of my life. Because you seek shelter and guidance.

 

 

It's not like these are my parents and they do their thing and I do mine, and we just live under the same roof. that's an unrealistic expectation. Parents would expect you to adhere to their rules and exert the commmon courtesies expected in social situations - no matter what. Nobody's going to give you akey- and let you show up at 3am wtih music blaring and tires screeching in the driveway - to walk out to get the paper at 8am, and find your beer bottles and a few lazy friends laying on the lawn, while you saunter down at 10am, with some creep with tattooes and piercings all over him announcing he was your lay of the night, can he have a bagel, to sustain his energy, you'd like to go for a nooner in awhile.

 

It's not like that at all.

 

I rarely get my own time to myself, to just think. The reality is, living on your own in financial self-sufficiency - you'd have little time to think without also doing a chore.

 

 

Anywho, when I move out this time, I'm not coming back. That has been my plan from the beginning. Commit to that - and itll happen. If you'r waiting to move out until your ducksare all in a row and you can live as you like in a lifestyle you want - you won't be moving period.

 

 

 

I'm trying to stand on my own two feet, to keep it together, but it doesn't help when my parents are working against me. They're not.

 

 

 

I can deal with anyone else doing that, but not my own parents. Here's all it comes out to - your back up plan of life is mom and dad. If I get knocked up, if I get hurt, if I go broke - the plan is they'll bail me out. Now -you could goo out and create a situation for yourself that their enabling would fund you to stay as far away from them as possible - if they're that financially well off. You could become what they want no public association with - and paying for your removal from their presense is what they're willing to do. go out and have 3-4 kids of miscreant and unintelligent fathers - and they'll want nothing to do with that brood and your pregnant belly in thier home. they might fund you living marginally in a far off location, to be assured never to have to deal with you or them and what ensues from living in a subpar livestyle, with a compromised genetic inheritance. that would mean you have several brats to keep up with, while working full time, and always living hand to mouth and chaos to crisis anyway - but you'd be completely away from their input and judgement, while having thier assistance.

 

 

I was raised to please them. To do what they said, do what they wanted when they wanted. That's fine......and that is what you're having issue with. You want to do things they won't "fund the escape from" if it goes worng....and yu believe if you can't have that safety net - you can "do what you want" - you can live on the street, under a bridge, you can sell yourself for funds, you can do anything you wish, if you're willing to deal with the results of doing it.

 

 

 

And now that I'm 24 years old, it's all a little much. I want my own voice. You want them to respect you........try you respecting you - the rest follows suit, trust me.

 

 

I'm trying to overcome a lot.

 

My mom always cares about what others think. I was taught to care about what others think. Ask yourself if you care what they think....or are you always attempting to surroudn yoruself with providers in the event you fall short.

 

Think of a job - you get it much easier. If you don't please the boss - you get fired. that's how it works. Now - if you're willing to live without the income, on the street - does it matter if you please the boss - not really.

 

You're going around pleasing everybody, because you consider everybody a resource of providership nad you must adhere in order to receive the safety net.

 

If you stop consider them and others as a way to your security - then you sto pthinking of them as a source of your identity - problem solved. Try reading "Codependent No More" by Beattie - you'll see you in there immediately.

 

 

If I move away, I know I'm not going to want to talk to them for a while, and I worry that will make me a bad daughter. You are goig to have to define "bad daughter" on your own. Is that moving away, not speaking for awhile, failing i life to be self-sufficient, not doing what they want, or whatever. Whatever you define as being a "bad daughter' don't do it - and you're okay.

 

Anywho, in a month or two, I should have the jobs that I want, so I'll be able to move out. That's great, move out with enough to cover the rent for a month if you're out of work - it ensures you won't be back, at least less likely.

 

 

 

You know what? After thinking about what you said, I feel a lot better.

 

I'm not a victim of my circumstances. And if I make my own money, and move out I can do WHATEVER I feel like doing.

 

I and I should just rebel against them. My dear, the quickest and most destructive form of self-identification is "rebellion" - you're currently using 'adherance" is a means of self-identity. But both are using the standards, values, goals, and principles of your parents as a guage - it is not "self" beliefs, values, standards, goals, requirement and accountability. Unti you step up to the challenge of equality with "life' vs. "them" - you will never conquer your demons...they're all internal.

[Excalibur]

To the original poster, without excuses for the outcomes you've dealt wth - ask yourself what good decisions and choices you've made in your life...and you will see why your parents are attempting to give so much input.

 

While you're terming it rape in an abusive relationship......and I don't question your reasoning having experienced it. The choice of the relationshp and association was yours to make. It was rape in that you didn't agree to the sex at the time...but that you were consensual in full to association - left you open to rape or whatever else the character of the person you chose to affiliate with was capable of.

 

THAT is what your parents are attempting to tell you. You make choices, the reults are negative - and you make excuses for the results wanting others to fix the problem.

 

You out in the world with that approach - you're likely to be * * * * * slapped into a grave in about 30 seconds.