can sex truly mean absolutely nothing except pleasure?

[Caterina]

Say that a guy knew a girl for about ten years. He was her friend and respected her. At one time he thought he could have loved her. She went after him when he had decided he didn't want anyone and basically he said the only thing he'd be interested in is a relationship based purely on sex. They did this for about 3 months and now he speaks very disrespectfully of her. The guy also claims that she wasn't hurt and he wasn't hurt. He says that there is no way he cared about her. Do you think that this can be true?

[Excalibur]

He has "issues".....and she got sex, hopefully great sex, and has moved on.

[CallingAllAngels]

I don't think that anyone can be in a "friends with benefits" relationship without ONE of the parties getting hurt. Is that what you're asking??? I'm really not too clear on your question...

[jettison]

Say that a guy knew a girl for about ten years. He was her friend and respected her. At one time he thought he could have loved her. She went after him when he had decided he didn't want anyone and basically he said the only thing he'd be interested in is a relationship based purely on sex. They did this for about 3 months and now he speaks very disrespectfully of her. The guy also claims that she wasn't hurt and he wasn't hurt. He says that there is no way he cared about her. Do you think that this can be true?

 

I think that the guy is a jack ass. If all you want to do is get your rocks off then don't do it with your 10 year friend. Pretty dispicable. I wouldn't even dream of doing this with a close friend who I thought might care about me a lot unless I was pretty sure that I felt the same way.

[lady00]

Say that a guy knew a girl for about ten years. He was her friend and respected her. At one time he thought he could have loved her. She went after him when he had decided he didn't want anyone and basically he said the only thing he'd be interested in is a relationship based purely on sex. They did this for about 3 months and now he speaks very disrespectfully of her. The guy also claims that she wasn't hurt and he wasn't hurt. He says that there is no way he cared about her. Do you think that this can be true?

 

If he stopped caring about her due to having sex with her and now speaks of her in a disrespectful way, then he probably didn't really care about or respect her in the first place. If she wasn't hurt, it was probably because she knew what she was doing and was OK with it just being sex. If she's not hurt now, she is probably unaware of how he speaks about her.

[lunatic]

Some people can separate sex and emotions. I know I was able to do that with my FWBs back in the day.

 

She was the one who started getting feelings for me and she knew I could never give her more than what we were. Too many red flags in her life that I could not deal with. We did talk extensively about this when we became FWBs.

 

I agree with Allie on this one for sure!!!

[CallingAllAngels]

Some people can separate sex and emotions. I know I was able to do that with my FWBs back in the day.

 

She was the one who started getting feelings for me and she knew I could never give her more than what we were. Too many red flags in her life that I could not deal with. We did talk extensively about this when we became FWBs.

 

I agree with Allie on this one for sure!!!

 

My point exactly...one of the parties involved can separate sex and emotions, but the likely hood of both parties being able to do so is very slim in my opinion...one always ends up getting emotionally involved.

[ycmanvs]

Actually, sex can happen without emotion between friends. The fact that he speaks without respect is another thing, and makes me think that he is not a very nice friend.

[lunatic]

Actually, sex can happen without emotion between friends. The fact that he speaks without respect is another thing, and makes me think that he is not a very nice friend.

 

Well that is one part of the OP's story I did not touch upon. I agree with you yc on that part of him being disrespectful to her. What a jerk! He should shut his mouth and keep it to himself! What a dork!

[cinder_ella]

He told her from the beginning that all he wanted was sex. She agreed to it and went along with it. She disrespected herself in that aspect. However, I don't think whoever this guy is has a right to go around disrespecting her. How old is he 12? He's very childish and manipulative and I don't think anyone enjoys him as a friend. He needs to move on and leave this woman alone. If she is guilty for what she did with him than he is equally guilty because he did it too. It takes TWO to tango.

[1guygirl]

a guy has a 10 year friendship who must have been a very good friend to him to say that he could even love her. he asks her then for some no strings attached fun, even tho he knew of her feelings towards him, so she says yeah ok, they have a good time, now hes done getting his rocks off, he disrespects her?

 

what a charmer...shes well shot of a w-anchor like this....talk about a user then D&Ding her

[livinginsbi]

I had two FWB relationships that it was very easy to keep the sex and emotions away from each other - the third is a different story. After reading about others FWB's on this forum, I guess I was pretty lucky, in that we did care about the others feelings, never did they act in the manner the OP stated. One of the guys I was friends with for about 3 years before and am still friends with now.

 

So yes there was caring for the other, but not in a romantic way - but more in a 'I respect you because you are a decent person way'

 

This guy is a jerk for sure.

[jettison]

I had two FWB relationships that it was very easy to keep the sex and emotions away from each other - the third is a different story. After reading about others FWB's on this forum, I guess I was pretty lucky, in that we did care about the others feelings, never did they act in the manner the OP stated. One of the guys I was friends with for about 3 years before and am still friends with now.

 

So yes there was caring for the other, but not in a romantic way - but more in a 'I respect you because you are a decent person way'

 

This guy is a jerk for sure.

 

He contains within him the contradictions - the good and the bad - of the community that he has served diligently for so many years.

I can no more disown him than I can disown my own white grandmother.

[ghost69]

i've had sex with girls that meant nothing but getting it on. that's all i felt.

[Caterina]

Lets leave aside the disrespect part. I spoke with him and something he said I misconstrued as disrespect when he actually says he cares about her as a human being. I think that he was trying to act tough and has actually been somewhat hurt by the girl. Yes, can sex really have absolutely no emotional repurcussions? Can sex just be sex? Like eating an ice-cream cone and thats it?

[Excalibur]

Eating one ice cream cone is dessert...eating many makes you fat.

 

Probably depends on the assumptions made by both parties, entering into the arrangement.

 

I can see if a young guy had the impression 'good girls don't, and girls only have sex with guys they really like" - that if he were wanting just sex (so he assumed) and she was willing to have sex, he's think "wow, I am so all that, girls only have sex with guys they like, I made it clear I don't want to date, and she was willing to have sex anyway. That means I am so all that."

 

If that went on for awhile and he thought "mmm, this relationship dynamic works, ,she doesn't bug me, she doesn't make demands, I don't have to do anything I don't want, or provide anything I don't want to give, and she's there for fun, sex, and conversation" - he might have thought "okay, we'll go forward into dating - I've taken the test drive of her personality and her body - she works for me.

 

If he found out at that point she did not want to date, she was only in this for her sexual gratification, that the reason she didn't call him, or have more involvement other than sharing conversation and sex on occasion is that is all SHE wanted...he'd be hurt.

 

He'd have gone around thinking "i'm so all that she's willing to have sex to try to win my heart" - only to find out she was having sex to have orgasms period - while not considering him "relationship material".

 

Depends on what assumptions a person has when getting into anything, as to whether they're disappointed, elated, etc.

[Caterina]

Well, both of them said that they didn't see anything permanent...they entered into their sexual relationship knowing this. They just wanted sex or whatever for the pleasure of it. I'm wondering if there is more to it than that- if the sex act is more than just a bit of fun as he tried to claim.

[Excalibur]

You're spending way too much time in someone's else's head and life, dude.

 

Every second you spend not living your life but pondering someone else's motivations, intentions, needs, or actions and words - that's moments lost to you to create the reality you want to be living in.

 

Some people are only 2" deep...they're shallow people, they don't see meaning or purpose in anything or everything, and you sitting there having existential elements pondered in a shallow person's actions - it is just a waste of your time, while they've long moved past this situation and onto the next bit of pleasure or frustration.

[lady00]

Yes, can sex really have absolutely no emotional repercussions? Can sex just be sex? Like eating an ice-cream cone and thats it?

 

For me: in the past, yes, with an ex at one point (after the breakup) the sex was just sex and it was great. But he wanted more...I'm guessing that hurt him...he was very guarded with his emotions though and only expressed that he wanted me as a girlfriend, but never that he was hurt by the situation. But, outside of that, I have never met a guy that I would feel comfortable just having sex with and with whom I'd feel no emotional connection or repercussions. I don't think I'll ever be able to do that again.

[Caterina]

You're spending way too much time in someone's else's head and life, dude.

 

Every second you spend not living your life but pondering someone else's motivations, intentions, needs, or actions and words - that's moments lost to you to create the reality you want to be living in.

 

Some people are only 2" deep...they're shallow people, they don't see meaning or purpose in anything or everything, and you sitting there having existential elements pondered in a shallow person's actions - it is just a waste of your time, while they've long moved past this situation and onto the next bit of pleasure or frustration.

 

 

You might have a point.