Should we move in together?

[bakerrac]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and we are very much in love. we are both about to reach a point in our lives where we will be starting careers. he is planning to move several hundred miles away and wants me to come with him. i would love to, however i'm just a little nervous because its further than i've ever lived from my family and a huge step for our relationship. (but he has been making little comments relating to marriage here and there lately) we havent had a big talk about me moving with him yet, but we will need to very shortly so we can start making plans, etc.

 

i'm also nervous because i don't know what my parents will say/think. they love my boyfriend, but i'm only 22 (he's 25) and we are a fairly conservative catholic family. i'm just not sure how they will feel about it. i've sort of mentioned moving with him before, but not that i'd probably be living with him. i don't feel like i'm too young to live with him....especially if i'm going to move several hundred miles for him. but i suppose if i'm 100% on my own money-wise, etc., my parents can't do/say much about it. I'm an ADULT, right?!

 

comments...suggestions???

[m12988]

I dont see why not. If you're 100% financially on your own then you don't need them anymore. Just make sure, if things were to not go as planned, you have somewhere to go. I too have fairly conservative, catholic parents and if yours really has a problem with this, if you two really are talking about marriage, then you could always let them know that.

[kuiks8]

I think you are definitely an adult and if you are not relying on them financially they really have no say and as someone who waited until marriage to move in with her husband I totally recommend a trial run living together. You learn a lot about a person when you live with them.

[arwen]

It's important to figure out what it is that YOU want, first of all (regardless of parents, although this can be very hard). Do you want to get married rather than first moving in together? Are you able to leave your life and move over this distance? Living together (married or not) is a huge step. It seem to me that the two of you are ready for a next step, but have not yet openly discussed what this step should be (i.e. moving in together or marriage).

 

If you two decide to move in together, I recommend just to tell your parents as soon as possible. I think it's more important to them that you involve them (not in your decision but in your life) and that you are happy, than that you make the choices exactly the way that they want you to.

 

I moved in with my bf of 2 years half a year ago, he found a job at the uni where I work and moved a considerable distance. We both live at the opposite side of the country of our parents. My parents are evangelical Christians and were really NOT fond of me moving in with my partner. Or so I thought. In reality, they are very happy that I found him, and just hope (and pray) that we will get married soon too. Let's just say that in my head, I anticipated a lot of drama while in reality my parents supported us tremendously in our step. Have faith!

[Parsley]

I agree with Hope - your parents might surprise you! My mum is also catholic (dad too, but he's lapsed) and my sister lived with her husband before they go married and there was no massive thing about it. I'm presuming they know your boyfriend pretty well from the past 2 and a half years, and are probably already hoping that wedding bells are not far off!

 

It seems like this is the nub of your problem rather than whether to move in with him or not, I think deep down you know that you want to, but are just shy of bringing it up because he hasn't, but for him I think it's just a given so he hasn't brought it up.

 

Remember, at the end of the day you can love and respect your parents to the ends of the earth, but that doesn't mean they have the right to influence your decision either way. They will love you no matter what you do, so try not to take them into account when making such a life changing decision!

 

x

[richmonder80]

What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything? - Vincent van Gogh.

 

In other words don't let fear hold you back. If things do go sour after you move with him, then that is what will be...nothing that you could change about that. If you didn't move with him, the chance of you guys staying together is very slim anyways, so what have you got to lose? Love is something that is worth taking a risk on.

[Excalibur]

Determine how you "THINK" about it religiously and personally. YOu can't live your life thru the mirror or shadow of your family's values - but you will always have to live with you - so live by your ethics, up to your values, in line with your principles and standards at all times. It's the no regrets policy.

 

You moving way from your family - that'd likely happen as you started a career anyway, unless you're planning to stick around the hometown until marriage and kids, and then remain there because you have kids and wants them close to your family, etc.

 

So you moving for YOUR career - you ought to be thinking about your career, amibitions, goals, and dreams for YOU - and decide if where he's proposing to move is good for YOUR career.

 

You might find living with him is not what you want, going home is not what you desire, and you need to be able to further your career, and create a great life where you are.

 

don't move "with him".....move because it furthers your career and personal goals.

 

If you end up living together, marrying at some point - great, it won't have stopped you becoming more self-sufficient and self-successfully oriented.

 

If you end up living together, splitting up - at least you'll have the structure in place to create a great life and move on - if you've moved to whre your goals and needs are furthered and met by YOUR actions, not his.

[ghost69]

if you are into your bf as much as you say, this really should be no question. it should just feel right. people do this all the time.

[bakerrac]

thanks everyone.

 

i DO want to move in with him, we just havent had an open discussion about it yet, but we will.

 

my parents may support it, who knows...it's just one of those things where they might not be ready to let go of their "little girl" even though they need to, so i'm just nervous to bring it up.

 

as far as my career goes, i can make a great living where i am now or where he's going, and there's NO WAY i'd move knowing i wouldnt do well in my career. i've worked WAY too hard to throw it all away, but thanks for looking out.

 

thanks again!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think the other thing to consider is that you will be living far away anyway, so i doubt your living arrangements at that distance would impact how you relate to your parents very much.

 

If they are very religious they might be a bit squeamish about it at first, but just keep loving and accepting that this may be a bit hard for them... they may not necessary approve, but not hate you for doing it either.

 

That is part of being an adult, making your own choices. They recognize that part I am sure and parents who love their children learn to accept the differences of opinion.

[Excalibur]

A way to present it to your parents, is as an "adult" yourself.

 

"Mother and Dad, I've reviewed my career path, my life goals, and moving to ____ and in with _______ is what is best for me, as an individual. I hope you support my decision, but I no way expect your financial assistance."

 

If you're an adult - you're not asking permission for them to do as if they're going to bail you out or coming running if it doesn't go like you plan or expect. It definitely won't go like you expect or plan- that's becuase it's life - not a thesis.