JadedStar Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 wow. you just narrowed your dating potential to about 30%. i've never really had a bad breakup. so i can run into an ex and say hi. is this what you constitute as friends? or are you saying friends as in talk on the phone, email, text, etc everyday? i find that to be a problem with letting go. that's more of a red flag for me. I agree. It is all in how you look at it. I think it more a redflag when they CAN"T let go. Link to comment
jaded22 Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 as someone mentioned i think it all comes down to boundaries. YOu dont need to be calling one another every day to say 'hi', you dont need to be calling at 3am on the weekends to say hi. You dont just stop by the house to say hi. haha get what im saying? I think its pretty obvious if its just an ex who ur buds with or a relationship that is too close. I talk to one of my ex's maybe once a month? All the others maybe once every 6 months. Im in a relationship & I dont feel the need to see what they are up to really. Im not saying that to be mean, but Ive moved on. But agian, yea, def. all about boundaries. If these are set early on, as I did with my ex's, friendships can def. succeed. But there are far too many relationships out there (mine too at one point) who suffer b.c. boundaries are not enforced and drama/problems/mistrust ensues. Def. make sure you both know how you feel about one another so theres no moments where new partner is thinking "you two clearly arent over one another"... My advice to anyone who wants to be friends with an ex: set some ground rules!!! Link to comment
hers Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 I am friends with most of my ex’s. They are people I love and I haven’t stopped loving them just because we aren’t dating any more. I’ve seen a lot of posts on here about one partner freaking out about another partners relationship with an ex, and I want to ask if that is a deal breaker for some of you. I would never date someone who wouldn’t let me be friends with people I loved whether I had slept with them in the past or not. What about you? If your partner is close with an ex is that cause for concern? I used to be ok with it. I actually thought it spoke highly of my last ex's character--that he doesnt hold grudges and can always find the good in people. However, if your current boyfriend or girlfriend crosses boundaries with their ex that shouldn't be crossed (such was the case in my last relationship), then it becomes a problem. As long as they are honest and upfront about their relationship with their ex and they don't do anything to jeopardize their current relationship, I don't think it's a problem. For me, however, it is now a problem b/c I've found trust issues that I never thought I had so I'm going to be unnecessarily cautious in my next relationship, even though it probably won't be fair to my next boyfriend. But it's my insecurity and I will have to establish it as such. Link to comment
hers Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 I didn't read this before I posted my response to the OP's statement. I agree with you 100% here!! Especially about calling an ex at 3am to say hi--that's exactly one example in my last relationship and he didn't understand why I got upset about that. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 'my ex came over last night and we watched a movie.' if i told just about 99% of the women i dated this happened, i would not have a gf anymore. they'd be gone. of course i would never do this. do you get the idea now lucy? and don't even tell me this wouldn't put you off in the least bit. Link to comment
Lucy__lou Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 watching a movie together can be pretty cosy. And it's what you do when you want to be together and share something, but not necessarily have high energy one on one. the movie thing would be a bit odd. Seems a bit coupley to me. But if my boyfriend said for example, "I went over to -----'s house (name of ex girlfriend), and we caught up, or, got really drunk and had chats, or had lunch and had deep an meaningfuls / I'd be not only cool with it, I'd be happy about it. I think it's a sign of a good guy if he puts effort into touching base with his exes and working on the post relationship relationship, and cares. Watching a movie doesn't sound like the most time efficient way of touching base with an ex though. It's more of a pass the time in good company type of thing. Link to comment
PreciousPrincess Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 i know exes that still kiss and hold hands......this ain't right Perhaps it meets a need...maybe both are lonely are fear committment so they hang on to each other. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 You also want a three way relationship. Most people don't want that so naturally they won't be warm and fuzzy with the "got drunk with ex" deal... Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 Perhaps it meets a need...maybe both are lonely are fear committment so they hang on to each other. sounds like a good theory Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 exactly why i red flag the behavior. you are scared to move on. when i'm with someone i want full commitment. what does the ex still have that i can't provide? you aren't with the ex anymore, what do you need from them? what void is being filled in your life? Link to comment
jaded22 Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 lucy_lou I give you a lot of credit b.c. I would never be able to hear my bf talk about how hes hanging out wtih his ex all the time or calling her. My whole opinion of that would be, ok, if shes so great then how come you two arent together? & why are we together? I just feel once a relationship is over of course the love doesnt die, but i dont believe that a friendship needs to be made. Its ok to be on good terms where you CAN see one another out ad say hi and make small talk but i think it should be left at that. I dont think regular phone calls are ok or even hanging out together after the breakup, regardless how many ppl are there. I believe that just allows time for one person or the other to see that maybe they ARE good for one another, if that makes any sense. Idontwanttoknowyou....my bf & I actually just had this conversation AGAIN! (i posted about it in a thread called 'hes still talking to her' in trust & relationships) and he too is kinda like, "what do you mean i cant call her at 3am? i was hammered i just wanted to see what was up!" Ok b.c. no bf should be calling any other woman at 3am unless its his mother or his gf. Thats just how I see it. However, I, too, drunk dial so Im not exempt from the issue. Like Ive said so many times, its so hard to see whos right & wrong in a situation like this b.c. you can either be hitting the nail on the head or it can be soooo blown out of proportion so easily. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 exactly why i red flag the behavior. you are scared to move on. when i'm with someone i want full commitment. what does the ex still have that i can't provide? you aren't with the ex anymore, what do you need from them? what void is being filled in your life? great insight on the subject Link to comment
Darkness_Falls Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 'my ex came over last night and we watched a movie.' if i told just about 99% of the women i dated this happened, i would not have a gf anymore. they'd be gone. of course i would never do this. do you get the idea now lucy? and don't even tell me this wouldn't put you off in the least bit. I often watch movies with my ex, go shopping etc. My bf is fine with it. I like having my ex in my life because he is a good friend. And I see nothing wrong with it. Link to comment
PreciousPrincess Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 exactly why i red flag the behavior. you are scared to move on. when i'm with someone i want full commitment. what does the ex still have that i can't provide? you aren't with the ex anymore, what do you need from them? what void is being filled in your life? Very good insight. It's one thing to be cordial in passing but something completely different so still correspond, hang out, etc. Too much unfinished business. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 I often watch movies with my ex, go shopping etc. My bf is fine with it. until he tries something on the couch, right Link to comment
Darkness_Falls Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 until he tries something on the couch, right We sit beside each other on the couch... or on different couches, whatever. We are friends, thereforeeee we aren't doing anything inappropriate like lying on each other etc. The concept of exes being able to be friends seems to be beyond some people.... Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 usually people in this situation are holding onto hope. that it will magically still work out. i have plenty of female friends. they have female friends whom i've never met blah blah. so when i'm single, i can meet them, maybe date them. but i will never date my female friends .... again. (not going down that road). anyways, my female friends possess enough that i don't need to keep an ex around to fill a void. i dated the person cause i was attracted to them and wanted more than a friend. i do not need anymore female friends. so my exs gotta be pretty much out of my life when it's over. i don't continue to be friend with any exs of mine. an email every few months, okay. but that's it. just to say hi and see how school is going, work, etc. even love life. but nothing is to the extent where we are hanging out. especially if another bf/gf was involved with one of us. just nuts to me. Link to comment
PreciousPrincess Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 I often watch movies with my ex, go shopping etc. My bf is fine with it. I like having my ex in my life because he is a good friend. And I see nothing wrong with it. But do you ever wonder why your ex still wants to hang around? Every ex I said I would "be friends" with was just my lame and pathetic attempt to get back together with them as I wasn't ready to move on. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 We sit beside each other on the couch... or on different couches, whatever. We are friends, thereforeeee we aren't doing anything inappropriate like lying on each other etc. The concept of exes being able to be friends seems to be beyond some people.... how long ago did you date and how long? how old is he? Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 We sit beside each other on the couch... or on different couches, whatever. We are friends, thereforeeee we aren't doing anything inappropriate like lying on each other etc. The concept of exes being able to be friends seems to be beyond some people.... the concept of me not wanting to feel up my exes are beyond me Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 Very good insight. It's one thing to be cordial in passing but something completely different so still correspond, hang out, etc. Too much unfinished business. well stated Link to comment
Darkness_Falls Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 But do you ever wonder why your ex still wants to hang around? Every ex I said I would "be friends" with was just my lame and pathetic attempt to get back together with them as I wasn't ready to move on. We mutually decided to live together with our mutual friends. Our relationship ended because we had become friends and not lovers anymore, that was 2 years ago. We have different partners now. We do not wish to ever get back together, we know we weren't destined for that kind of relationship. I am very happy with my current bf. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 We mutually decided to live together with our mutual friends. Our relationship ended because we had become friends and not lovers anymore, that was 2 years ago. We have different partners now. We do not wish to ever get back together, we know we weren't destined for that kind of relationship. I am very happy with my current bf. okay that was 2 years ago. how long were you officially bf/gf? Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 I don't think being a friend to an ex means you are "holding on/unable to let go". It can just mean you are better as friends than you ever could be together, that past is behind you and you are just that...friends. As I said earlier, I would never remain friends with someone (ex or otherwise) whom was not respectful of my partner or relationship (and I HAVE ended such friendships before with BOTH sexes). I also have never had any desire to reunite with any of my ex's that are friends & they are also all happy with others. One of my boyfriends ex's...he set up with his best friend and they are now married so definitely nothing there! I did cite an example of one of his ex's whom did show some jealousy earlier and demonstrated feelings towards him still, but my boyfriend set the boundaries. I am often surprised when people say "never ever". I am not sure if it bad experience, or they can't trust themselves enough with a friend as an ex that thereforeeee they think all such relationships are the same. I am sure sometimes it is insecurity or a partner whom does not respect their boundaries or is not very trustworthy...but I can say I have never had a negative experience with a partner being friends with an ex and I have never acted in anything but the ultimate respect to my partner....he comes first over ANY ex. For the record, I don't cuddle on the couch watching movies with any of them though! Link to comment
Darkness_Falls Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 okay that was 2 years ago. how long were you officially bf/gf? We were together for 3.5 years. Link to comment
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