Served Again

[confusedmama]

There was a knock on the door this morning and there stood another deputy with another motion from my ex to haul me back into court for another round. I am so sick of his controlling, egotistical, selfish ways!!](*,) This motion is to change his child support because I have changed child care. I'm trying out a new plan with child care to make it easier on myself & the boys. Yes it does drop child care costs by about $100/month but he only pays $432/month so I really don't see how much lower it can go.

 

He filed this yesterday after I refused to give into his demands about Easter/Spring Break visitation, and wants it to be heard on March 4 whe we are in court for the other 4 things he has brought up.

 

Why can't he just move on with his life? I can't move forward with mine when he continues to pull me into court over and over

[Ash]

I can't say as I understand at all motives of guys like this, other than their sole intent is to punish you for taking a stand that removed them from your life. Apparently, they'd much prefer to pay a lawyer and a court system they don't know or care about rather than put that same money into caring for their kids. Ridiculous and disgusting.

 

He can't move on because he doesn't want to. He'd rather dwell on what he considered past wrong doings rather than do the right thing for everybody involved, support his kids in a decent fashion and allow you to move ahead unencumbered.

[confusedmama]

This is the way I feel also!!! I'm trying really hard not to be bitter, nasty and hateful when I want to be all three. This makes me sick to my stomach and gives me a headache. I don't want to go through my entire existence waiting for the other shoe to drop and him to yank these chains. I wish there was a way I could ignore the summons and him.

[just M.E.]

confusedmama -

If he moved on, he would have to mature emotionally, right?

He would no longer have the drama and couldn't view himself as a victim?

What would he live for if he didn't have his childish vindictive activities?

 

It seems that someone as this, has never learned to build a normal, healthy emotional life, he must thrive on these activities.

 

You can't ignore the summons, but you can always remember that in spite of how it affects you personally, it really isn't personal. You could be replaced this another actress in your life role and he would probably behave exactly as he is. I'm betting money his "It's all about me" show would be portable and move to the next player in his life, unfortunately, he is still meeting his drama fix with you.

 

I'm really sorry you are going through this. Hang in there. Keep the high ground, he will always look so much worse in comparison to you, maybe eventually the courts will tire of his games.

[confusedmama]

I am hoping the courts will tire shortly. I am trying to keep a good outlook. I simply get frustrated because I lived in fear for 15 years of his repercussions, usually emotional and verbal. By divorcing I was hoping I wouldn't have to live in fear any longer. That doesn't seem to be the case. I would be elated if he would find someone else to put all this energy into-sorry for her though!!

 

I am tired of being tired. I'm tired of being the good guy and doing the right thing. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!

[just M.E.]

confusedmama-

 

I do know EXACTLY how you feel, my ex is very much like that, words like petulant, vindictive, childish, demanding, abusive, controlling, etc., etc. describe his behavior. I also understand the fear, when you live with it for so long, all the implied threats become a very real part of your life.

 

But it has to be great being away from the everyday, every moment involvement with him. That is what I feel, how good it is to be away from that, even if he keeps returning to his drama, I am learning to laugh at him and stay to the high ground. It must make my ex crazy that he isn't getting the reactions from me anymore. I imagine when the drama no longer has the desired affect, your ex will also lose interest.

 

Reba McIntyre has a great song called "Can't Even Get The Blues"

Listen and make it your theme song ....

 

it's mine ;-)

[CallingAllAngels]

I am so sorry to hear of this situation.

 

You post reminds me to be thankful for one thing as I go thru my ugly divorce: that we do not have children.

 

My husband would ABSOLUTELY be doing the same nasty things that yours is. If we had children, they would end up suffering more than I am.

 

So...I am thankful I have no children. WHEN I get my divorce, I will be DONE with my husband FOREVER...there will be NOTHING that ties us together. NOTHING AT ALL.

 

Again...I am sorry for what you are going through.

 

((((HUGS))))

 

~Allie

[BeStrongBeHappy]

He'll learn soon enough that the courts are not there to settle his petty grievances. Child support is usually awarded based on a percentage of his income, and not by tallying up the costs of every little thing you spend money on.

 

Most states have laws too that orders can only change every 3 years or thereabouts, or if there is a significant change in income or extenuating circumstances.

 

So you should actually be happy when he does things like this, because it will just annoy the judge and make him less likely to be sympathetic to your husband's whining.

[CallingAllAngels]

He'll learn soon enough that the courts are not there to settle his petty grievances. Child support is usually awarded based on a percentage of his income, and not by tallying up the costs of every little thing you spend money on.

 

Most states have laws too that orders can only change every 3 years or thereabouts, or if there is a significant change in income or extenuating circumstances.

 

So you should actually be happy when he does things like this, because it will just annoy the judge and make him less likely to be sympathetic to your husband's whining.

 

Well, that is good to know.

 

NO ONE should have to be dragged to court over petty BS for the rest of their lives, AND, CHILDREN should NOT be used as "pawns" in divorce.

 

While I have no children, I know TOO MANY DIVORCED people who do, and too many ADULTS who damage their children by using them as "weapons" against the other spouse.

 

I know this is NOT what YOU are doing confusedmama...it is what your "ex" is doing...and it's CRIMINAL.

 

~Allie

[confusedmama]

Thanks for the words of encouragement!! It comes with good timing I just finished meeting with the Guardian-ad-litem for the boys and while I didn' t want to go in there bashing my ex-because his actions speak for themselves-I kind of felt called on the carpet for my oldests grades, what I tried to get the lawyer to understand is that they were with my ex 7 out of 8 weekends for that time frame pluse THanksgiving and part of Christmas. I CAN"T keep up with his parenting skills also. AS if I'm not worried enough about this. I do like this lawyer and I think he will do and has done a great job, I'm just very sensitive to this right now.

 

THEN, when I get home there is a message from my lawyer stating that they (my ex, his lawyer, my lawyer) want to meet to "work these things through" instead of going to court. I don't trust this man any further than I can throw him. He doesn't follow a judge's orders WHY would he follow something written on paper by the lawyers? We've done this before at the very beginning-it didn't work. WHY won't someone believe me?????

[CallingAllAngels]

If it helps, I BELIEVE you, because I am going thru the same b*llsh*t with my husband, MINUS the kids. He won't follow court orders, yet always wants to "meet before court dates" with his lawyer. Wants to "get my hopes up for nothing." In fact, I have to meet w/my lawyer today @ 3. Court is next Thursday. I expect he'll want to meet w/me and my attorney on Wednesday, again, to make some RIDICULOUS offer like he did before our last Court date.

 

So, for what it's worth, know that there is ONE person out there who BELIEVES you, and who KNOWS how you FEEL regarding the whole messed up Court system...

 

My best to you.

 

~Allie

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If you file a formal agreement with the court that you both signed and agreed to, the court will enforce it in the same way they would enforce the judges own orders.

 

The advantage of settling is that you don't have the expense of a trial. So you should consider it in order to save money. He of course can ignore anything, but if he doesn't pay child support or is in contempt of court he can go to jail for that.

[Ash]

Good question, my partner's ex is a non-paying sort of guy. He ignores the court order to pay support and we often question if he'll ever pay heed to anything he's been ordered to do. She's stuck in a situation now that he's taking her to court to change the agreement that he hasn't honoured. Not only is she getting no support, now she has to pay a lawyer to defend against a case that's meaningless really. Even if his arrears are reduced or payments lowered, he's not going to pay anyway, so why should she be spending thousands to defend?

 

Like you said, some of those folks just don't do what they're supposed to, so why trust them an inch? Too bad the legal system is such a big let down. Sorry, but if one of the parties has been disregarding the law for several years, why do they even have the right to attempt to have what they're simply disregarded changed? And why as you say is there any assumption made whatsoever that all of a sudden they'll start playing by the rules?

[Ash]

If you file a formal agreement with the court that you both signed and agreed to, the court will enforce it in the same way they would enforce the judges own orders.

 

The advantage of settling is that you don't have the expense of a trial. So you should consider it in order to save money. He of course can ignore anything, but if he doesn't pay child support or is in contempt of court he can go to jail for that.

 

I don't mean to be impolite, but this isn't a realistic view of the world. Yep, it's supposed to work that way, but in a reasonable portion of cases it simply does not! We partner is proof of that. Her ex pays nothing, but is allowed to take her to court to change the agreement years after the fact. Sure, perhaps he can petition the court to change it from this point forward, but what on earth is the justification to erase all that he's done in the past when he was thought he could get away with doing nothing and thereforeee did nothing? Court cases cost LOTS of money. You don't simply show up in court to defend yourself because if you make a procedural slip you lose. For example, my partner paid her lawyer in total for 6 hours the other day for what turned out to be a 15 minutes session with the other side and the judge.

 

There's a long list of stall tactics that a lot of the deadbeat parents know about that are provided through the legal system. We have a legal system, not a justice system. Granted, the guilty parties may eventually get tossed in jail, but after several years of disobeying the law and causing irrecoverable costs to the innocent party.

[confusedmama]

In my case we are in J&D court and I may actually spend MORE money by meeting him & his NEW lawyer with my lawyer. I also have spent more money than I have to get out of this situation while he, who doesn't play by the rules, seems to get nothing and has to spend very little. I feel like I'm being punished for being the "good" guy. I'm afraid to go to court but I'm even more afraid of meeting with him. HE may agree to something in the meeting but he won't follow through and then I would have to spend more money pursuing yet another "show-cause".

 

Ash-to top it all off my ex NOW works in in court system-as a parole officer-so he knows how to play the system and I think he is getting his legal advice on the cut rate.

[confusedmama]

The meeting with the guardian-ad-litem went well, I think. Unfortunately, esp. since I WANT to know, he meets with them while I'm out of earshot. AND yes, I know this is the whole point-to get their feelings and their wants out in the open to an unbiased person, I just am a nosy mom. I really don't want to impose, but its a mom thing-i think.

 

Ialso got my oldests mid-term grades and they suck! They went down from the past grading period and I didn't think that was possible. That scares me!! I'm pretty sure that it is coming from all the upheveal in the personal lives-he hates change, so when he thinks his life is going to change he just shuts down-but I can't prove it. He doesn't have another counselling appt. until the day before we go back to court, so I've got 2 weeks to try & handle this on my own.

 

Its bad enough I have to deal with the ex's attitude and crap but it really kills me when it affects the kids this badly and in a way that I can't fix. AAAARRRGGGGGHHH