My wife doesn't want children - I do.

[Entomon]

So, what did you prove?

I want to say but I shouldn't say. Case closed.

 

 

[ghost69]

this is a tough question. i'm not sure i could be with someone that didn't want kids.

[socal76]

Wow, thanks for all the responses! I'd like to clarify a few things that were discussed. I married my wife because I love her with all my heart and am sure that there is no one in this world better for me than her. Yes, I agree and we probably should have discussed this more in depth early on in the relationship, but I honestly don't think she was even sure back then. And then in the time just before we got married, I truly believed that she was moving more and more towards wanting kids. We've had the "when we have kids..." comments, and "do you like the name ... for a girl/boy?" So all the signs were there. But then as friends of ours starting getting pregnant, and the topic was more in the spotlight, I guess she did some soul searching and realized it was not for her.

 

I can't imagine divorcing this woman. I don't think that is the right answer for me.

[DN]

I can't imagine divorcing this woman. I don't think that is the right answer for me.

Well, I am always advocating compromise - but some things are not capable of compromise and having children is one of them. You either have them or you don't.

 

So you have a simple (but not easy choice) because you of course realise you should not pressure your wife to have children against her better judgment. Either you accept her decision and stay with her knowing you will never have children. Or you accept her decision, regretfully leave her and eventually look for a woman who you can love, who loves you and who wants children as much as you do.

 

There is no easy answer to this issue.

[MissIndigo]

Should she stand firm on her decision not to have children, and you still want to remain in this marriage, you can invite children into your life in other ways. You can always mentor children in your community in need of a role model, or find other suitable volunteer activities involving working with kids. Is it something you could possibly involve your wife in as well--is it that she doesn't like children at all, or just cannot envision herself being a parent, for whatever reasons? Or perhaps she doesn't want to experience pregnancy?

 

I think it's great and shows strength of her character to care for your dogs in the way you say she does, and I am sure it's one of the things you love so dearly about her, but I don't believe that feelings towards your dogs necessarily could translate to feelings she would have for a human child. I personally feel more nurturing towards animals than I do people; perhaps your wife is the same. I can stand a fussy dog or cat all day long, but fussy children, and the din of children's voices, rub me completely the wrong way.

 

I'm childfree, and plan on staying that way, but I've considered the volunteering possibility I've mentioned above if I feel the desire to have kids in my life.

[socal76]

Thanks MissIndigo. That's some helpful advice as well, and a good possible alternative. I don't think that my wife doesn't like children though. She likes playing with my nieces and nephews when we visit. So it's not the kids themselves. It's the responsibility that having your own kids brings with it. I think she's most afraid that the life will get sucked out of her, and she won't be herself anymore and won't be able to do any of the things she likes to do now.

 

Anyway, we're working on setting up an appointment with a counselor now. We are still talking about it on our own as well. Thankfully, we do communicate very well.

[hbax3404]

Thanks MissIndigo. That's some helpful advice as well, and a good possible alternative. I don't think that my wife doesn't like children though. She likes playing with my nieces and nephews when we visit. So it's not the kids themselves. It's the responsibility that having your own kids brings with it. I think she's most afraid that the life will get sucked out of her, and she won't be herself anymore and won't be able to do any of the things she likes to do now.

 

I'm requoting something you said at the first because it made me laugh....

 

We have 2 dogs now, and she is so great at taking care of them. She has even said she would be willing to get more dogs!!!

 

Here's why it made me laugh...

 

I always thought I wanted children. Around my mid to late twenties, when all my friends and my sisters started shooting out kids, I got a bird's eye view of how their lives had changed so drastically. Cultural outtings, late nights out at jazz clubs, spontaneous weekends in Vegas together, feeling sexy and sophisticated in a little black dress, and all the carefree living that goes with being a young couple in love was suddenly replaced with swollen ankles and morning sickness, schedules that revolved around daycare, 2 am feedings, and more Wiggles than a sane person should have to endure.

 

I also saw an alarming amount of "Hey, wife, I'm going out with the boys, don't wait up..." and "Husband, can you please, please, please! watch new-sick-spitting up-cholicky-baby for 45 minutes so I can go to the grocery store to get milk? It's poker night? Oh... okay. I guess I can do everything by myself then..."

 

It was about then that I decided I didn't want to have children.

 

But then, around 30, as my parents aged, I started to sense my own mortality and thought, how nice it would be to be old and have someone there who would see to my needs in gratitude for having given them life and raised them well. So, I found me a fella and decided I could see myself having kids with him.

 

Then we got a puppy.

 

And I love the puppy and I play with the puppy and I take excellent care of her, going to great pains to crate train her and watch her diet and take her to the vet and get up with her 3-4 times a night to take her to go potty...

 

But guess who just listens to her whine to go out at 2am and then rolls over and mutters "Thanks for taking care of that honey... you know how tired I am..." I'm not tired?

 

Right. So, at 4:00 this morning, I got up, pulled on my robe, grabbed the leash, firmly announced that I had decided not to have children, and took the dog out into the freezing cold.

 

So... 1) I guess I'm saying, yeah, thinking about having children at 25 can be daunting when you're witnessing all the lifestyle changes others are going through. And, typically, since women like to complain to each other... she's getting all the horror stories... and not enoug of the "it's so great" stories.

 

2) Dogs are practice kids. It's no lie that when you get a pet, the woman watches you very carefully to determine what kind of father you're going to make. Is he harsh with the dog? Is he too permissive? Is he pulling his weight with doggy care? And dogs are a ton easier than children to take care of, and puppy time lasts what, a year? Children can't be left alone for much, much longer.

 

Does your wife know what role you plan to play in childcare? Or does she believe/fear that sole responsibility for raising the children and meeting their needs is going to fall on her? Is she, perhaps, envisioning herself with 20 extra pounds of baby weight, getting up several times every night for 6 months, juggling trying to fix a bottle, make dinner, change a diaper, and let the dog out all at the same time while you're on the computer or watching the news? Is she going to have to beg you to watch the kid while she goes shopping with the girls while you'll just assume she's going to be fine with the kid whenever you get the urge to work late or drop in at happy hour before heading home?

 

I'm not saying this is the reason she might be reluctant to have kids (and I'm certainly not suggesting that you plan to be a lazy dad), but if it's playing a part, (and it does for a lot of modern women) try making sure she knows you don't consider her the baby machine and are planning to take equal responsibility for rearing, OR if it's so all-fired important to you, become the primary caregiver.

[socal76]

HBax,

 

Great post! I think your first paragraph describes exactly why she doesn't want to have kids (or at least that's my understanding). As it turns out, I spoil my wife as much as I can. I happily take the dogs out every morning so she can sleep in a little bit more and every night before bed so she doesn't have to get cold (thank God they sleep through the night) and we probably split the mid-day take-outs 50/50. I'm just that kind of guy. I definitely pull my weight. I love taking care of her, cooking for her, etc. And by the way, she does the same for...it's the type of relationship we have. However, I do have an entrepreneurial personality and am usually working on some type of "project" in the evenings after my full-time job. I never thought about this, but that could be definitely be a contributing factor to this whole thing. Maybe she's afraid I won't be able to find time for her and/or the child. I will definitely discuss that with her. Thank you for the insight.

[Mrs.HolyHackJack]

Give it some time she will probably change her mind she is only 25

[Snny]

So it's not the kids themselves. It's the responsibility that having your own kids brings with it. I think she's most afraid that the life will get sucked out of her, and she won't be herself anymore and won't be able to do any of the things she likes to do now.

 

To be frankly honest, this is a sign that she is not ready to fully settle and might not have been ready for marriage. I am around her age, and work with kids 5 days a week. As much as I enjoy working with kids, they are exhausting at times. I do NOT want kids of my own for the same reason (and probably don't in the future). I have the same fears as your wife has, which is another reason why I am not ready for marriage. Once you have kids, your life changes immediately. She is more likely afraid of her lifestyle changing. She might be in a lot of stress right now and doesn't want to add the stress of raising kids into her life. Suddenly expecting a 25 year old woman to drop everything she has and make babies when she wasn't sure is asking a lot.

 

I agree with the prior posters that this should of been discussed before marriage. You can go to a couple's counseling session, but be prepared that it does not guarantee changing her mind or attitude toward kids.