My daughter sent my ex a not too nice E-Mal

[Cindersam]

My daugher just told me that she sent my ex an E-Mail last week. It was not nice.

 

Some background; we broke up 14 months ago. He fell out of love. He was depressed at the time which I think was a major contributor to the loss of feelings. It was not what I wanted nor did I expect it but I have come to accept it and am moving on.

 

At first he wouldn't talk to me (he broke up over the phone) but I felt I deserved one last convesation in person. So about 6 months after we broke up we met. I did most of the talking but it was a good conversation. I think he was still depressed because he made a comment about my life going well and his wasn't. Plus everything I asked him about - job, kids, etc. I got a negative response from him. I did ask him if his depresson towards the end of our relationship was due to me and he said no.

 

I really wanted to end things amicably. I didn't see any reason not to. We were together for 6 years and most of it was really good. Even though the breakup was not what I wanted I would prefer to have good memories of what we did have. We left things on good terms

 

That was 8 months ago. A few weeks ago there was a helicopter circling my work (he used to do this to say hi). I thought it had been long enough so I sent him an E-Mail asking if that was him. I then wrote a friendly E-Mail letting him know some of the things happening in my life. I didn't mention anything about "us" or anything personal. Just a kind of catch up wih an old friend type thing. I asked how he and his family were doing (he has 3 kids that I watched grow up for 6 years and I often wonder about them).

 

A few days later I got an E-Mail back that said "it wasn't me". I thought that was a pretty cold reply considering we left things on good terms. I mentioned it to my daughter who agreed he was being a jerk. A few days ago she told me that she had written him an E-Mail letting him know what she thought of him. I read it and it wasn't very nice. She said she was disappointed in him because she thought he was one of the good guys but now he's just an A**hole like the rest of them. She said since we left things on good terms there was no reason he couldn't say hi and that I didn't deserve all the sh** he put me through and she was glad she would never have to see him again. She said a few more choice things and then told him he deserved the life he has made for himself.

 

I wish she wouldn't have written it. I know she is entittled to her opinion but I don't feel it was her place plus it was pretty mean. I know she is trying to stick up for me which is nice of her but I still wish wouldn't have done it.

 

I have no idea why he wouldn't reply with at least one sentence telling me they were fine. I have no idea if he is still depressed. If he is maybe my E-Mail telling him how good my life was kind of a slap in the face if his isn't going good (which is not how I intended it). I have no idea how he is doing or why he wouldn't reply. But I was just going to let it go.

 

I feel bad about what my daughter wrote. Part of me would like to let him know that I had nothing to do with it. I don't want him to think I put her up to it because what she wrote is not what I feel. I still care about him deeply and hope his life is going well. I no longer have any illusions about getting back together. But I do wish him well.

 

Should I let him know that I was not behind the E-Mail or just leave it alone?

 

I have some pictures of his kids from some of the trips we went on that I was thinking of sending to him (none of me of course) and maybe a little note telling him that I knew nothing about the E-Mail.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions?

 

Thanks!

[Entropy Smith]

Leave it alone.

 

She probably sent the email you should have but none the less...she chose to get send it and i'll bet it was on target...maybe she over stepped her bounds a bit...but a kid like that...sounds like a keeper to me.

[DN]

I think your daughter was out of line. He is an ex and is not obliged to answer e-mails. She should apologise and if she won't you should on her behalf. Just an apology is all.

[Poe]

She's your daughter. Don't sell her out to some chump who left you, for whatever reasons. Back her up against the world, just make sure she knows not to do that again. Win/win.

[DN]

No one owes someone a relationship and people have an absolute right to end a relationship.

 

Once it is over then people have a right to not want to engage in conversations with their ex. Again, that is their right. It does not make them a 'chump'.

 

Think about it from his point of view for a moment. He gets an e-mail from you about the helicopter thing which could easily be taken as an excuse to contact him and try to resuscitate the relationship. He answers it simply to say it wasn't him - he could have ignored it completely. He doesn't owe you a response to your questions nor does he have to acknowledge you telling him about what is going on in your life. He probably felt that if he did you would reply again and that would lead him into an area he didn't want to go - an attempt by you to get him back.

 

I don't think he was a jerk and although your daughter may be attempting to show loyalty her e-mail was rude and uncalled for. Apart from anything else - it simply isn't her business.

[Cindersam]

I really don't think it was her business either. But I'm not going to apologize for her - that's up to her and she feels justified in what she did.

 

I just would like him to know that I had nothing to do with it and didn't even know about it until a couple of days ago. Should I tell him that or just leave him alone?

 

Also, send him the pictures of his kids that I think he would want or not?

[DN]

I think it is clear he would prefer to be left alone.

[JadedStar]

She's your daughter. Don't sell her out to some chump who left you, for whatever reasons. Back her up against the world, just make sure she knows not to do that again. Win/win.

 

I agree.

 

It probably wasn't right. But she was protecting mom.

[MsOz]

Don't contact him at all, it's over - Move on!!!

(and don't say you already have, it kind of looks to me like you haven't otherwise you wouldn't be obsessing about this)

 

No contact!! be cool

 

That's my advice anyway, for what it;s worth

[Levora14]

Just leave him alone. You shouldn't worry about what he thinks. It's better to continue moving on, but make sure your daughter knows not to do that again.

[lizer]

you know, to DN, the moderator, perhaps as a male you perceive things differently. because as a female, a man just 'shutting off' and 'shutting out' and being cold and non responsive, is absolutely gut wrenching to a woman. as hard as that may be for you to understand, just because a relationship is over should not give the entitlement for the man who "loved her" for 6 years to pretend as if she is absolutely nothing, and especially a 'nothing' not worth a proper polite amicable response. that makes a woman feel used. just because a relationship is over does not give right for a man to show disrespect. there needs to be a certain level of tact, and care. his responses show his complete lack of care and concern. which further makes the woman feel like her many many years with you were worth nothing.

 

to the poster, its quite obvious hes dealing with things in his personal life. perhaps still depressed or perhaps just emotionally unavailable. not to mention immature. is it true men dont truly mature until they're in their 60's?eitherway, your daughter expressed her feelings and although it may have not been the best choice, it cannot be undone. just as he has offered you cold responses i dont see why you need to offer him an apology. im sure his poor actions towards you have hurt worse than any words your daughter could ever say.

[loveistough]

I agree.

 

It probably wasn't right. But she was protecting mom.

 

I agree. It wasn't her place but she stuck up for you. I wouldn't say anything else to him given his brief response to your last email. It might be from the depression but since you don't know for sure I would just leave it alone.

[loveistough]

I totally agree with this.

[Cindersam]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all your opinions.

 

you know, to DN, the moderator, perhaps as a male you perceive things differently. because as a female, a man just 'shutting off' and 'shutting out' and being cold and non responsive, is absolutely gut wrenching to a woman. as hard as that may be for you to understand, just because a relationship is over should not give the entitlement for the man who "loved her" for 6 years to pretend as if she is absolutely nothing, and especially a 'nothing' not worth a proper polite amicable response. that makes a woman feel used. just because a relationship is over does not give right for a man to show disrespect. there needs to be a certain level of tact, and care. his responses show his complete lack of care and concern. which further makes the woman feel like her many many years with you were worth nothing.

 

lizer - i think you it the nail on the head so to speak. I know the relationship is over yet his cold response still bothered me and I wasn't exacty sure why until I read this and it makes perfect sense. I think his cold response did make me feel as if the 6 years we spent together meant nothing. I don't see it that way. Even though it is over those 6 years meant a lot to me. Maybe it's a male / female thing. Thanks for helping me see this more clearly.

[Cindersam]

I just had another thought. Let me know what you think about this.

 

I think maybe my daughter took it a little personally when he broke up with me. I think she kind of looked up to him as a sort of a father figure. We did things together with his kids and my kids kind of like a "family". She has had problems with her own dad being distant and not available much so maybe when my ex (not her father) broke up with me she felt as if he did it to her too. She looked at his kids as step sisters and brother and maybe it's hard on her not to see them or know how they are doing. Does that make sense? Her E-Mail was pretty angry so maybe part of it was personal to her.

[kevinm]

First off Cindersam, don't worry about your ex "knowing it was you"... that is irrelevant. I'm sure based upon grammer and context, he probably knows it's not you. Whether that be directly or indirectly, who cares? Would he really think you coerced your daughter into writing a nasty email? And why would it make a differnece anyway? Like you said, she has a right to her own opinion.

 

As per the male/female thing... it's not that simple. Just because it's over doesn't mean the man still does not harbor feelings for his ex. It's just that there is little use in dwelling over the situation. If it's over, it's over. Why spend one's time and energy into crafting a kind response? The deep feeling may indeed still be there for the man too, just that the man doesn't feel the need to keep these feelings so close to the surface... and once they begin to subside, why pull them back to the surface. By not letting go one only prolongs the time it takes to heal. It has nothing to do with respect, it's about practicality for the man.

 

-Kevin

[pinkelephant]

I just had another thought. Let me know what you think about this.

 

I think maybe my daughter took it a little personally when he broke up with me. I think she kind of looked up to him as a sort of a father figure. We did things together with his kids and my kids kind of like a "family". She has had problems with her own dad being distant and not available much so maybe when my ex (not her father) broke up with me she felt as if he did it to her too. She looked at his kids as step sisters and brother and maybe it's hard on her not to see them or know how they are doing. Does that make sense? Her E-Mail was pretty angry so maybe part of it was personal to her.

 

I totally understand her position. Eventhough the email isn't exactly the best, i don't think she is that entirely out of line. He wasn't just in a relationship with you, he was in one with your daughter as well. Her anger is personal and while it could've been dealt with better, it is NOT out of line.

[DN]

Well, you seem to have a thing against men so i won't address that other than to refute the silly 'men are immature' theme.

 

It can be as tactless and insensitive to give people false hope that a relationship can be rekindled. It can also be seen as immature to contact someone after a relationship has ended.

 

People don't 'owe' you anything. It is no more disrespectful to not share details of your life after a relationship than it is to share them. He didn't use her, abuse her, or disrespect her. He just moved on without her and that is his right.

 

This isn't a man vs. woman thing and there is little point making it one.

[need2bme]

I don't know if an apology is "owed", but I would just let it go.

 

I agree with DN, to the point that really, "what was he to do". I was last told, "giving crumbs, basically give something to hold onto" (paraphrasing).

 

Also, the shoe was for me, on the other foot...hers...

 

So, lizer, change "he" to "she" or "men" to "women", etc., and that was right where I was at, about 4 months ago. It can go either way.

 

Lastly, I do finally realize that once it is over, nobody owes nobody, nothin (hey, I am originally from the South and I can speak that way, if I wanna).

[CatsMeeoow]

Well lets not forget that kids do get hurt when relationships end and sometimes they take it personal.

 

It's still hard for me as my son still talks about my ex and it's been 6mo since he's seen him.

 

I never talk about my ex at all to my son - even though I am still in communication with my ex that is never shared with my son because I don't want to risk his hurt.

 

On the times my son brings up my ex I am supportive of what he says --- he'll say 'XXXX would make a great step dad' and I'll say 'You would very much like to have a step dad, wouldn't you'. I try to support his feelings and when he says 'I miss XXXX and his boys' I'll say 'sometimes I do to but right now XXXX and his kids are busy doing their stuff right now and I'm not sure we have time to get together'. Keep in mind my son is 6 so I can't really get into a lot of detail. I just hope with more time he'll think of my ex less and less the longer he is out of the picture and we'll both move on.

 

But, I can understand - 6yr being in a child's life has a huge impact. 6yr in developing minds is like an eternity.... her daughter may have her own abandoment issues which spurred the awful email.

 

I agree - let it go.

 

Maybe he's still dealing with major depression. I know with my ex when he was most stressed I got very little response from but when he had a good day he was totally receptive.

 

I hope this man is getting help - especially if he has kids... he needs to pull himself together for himself and then his kids.

 

Cats

[Cindersam]

Thanks everyone. I really do appreciate all the divers opinios.

 

DN - I am not trying to make it a male / female thing I just thought it might be -not to say anything against males - I love them. But there are differences with the way men and women deal with things.

 

You're right he doesn't owe me anything. I never thought that he might be seeing my E-Mail as possibly wanting to get back together but I guess that could be why he responded the way he did. I've had exes contact me after a while for a friendly chat and I never thought they were trying to get back with me. That was not my intention but maybe that is what he thought.

 

Catsmeeoow - You're right about the way our relationships affect our kids. I wasn't too upset about this whole thing, just a little irritated and confused, but my daughter obviouly got pretty angry. She has probably been bottling this up inside since the break up.

 

Kevinm - thanks for your response also. I wasn't seeing it from that perspective. To me no response made me feel like we had nothing for 6 years. But maybe he just wants to not bring all that up to the surface again like you said. That made me feel quite a bit better - thanks!

 

Thanks everyone. All of your opinions really helped me. Even though I wish she wouldn't have sent the E-Mail I don't think me contacting him to let him know I had nothing to do with it would be a good idea. He obviously wants to be left alone so I will respect his wishes.

[need2bme]

I am ALWAYS told I deal with things, just like a woman...especially FROM women.

 

I understand all of this completely. My original ex that brought me to these boards, was with me for 13+ years. My kids were mostly happy we broke up, but they did have feelings about it...

[DN]

But there are differences with the way men and women deal with things.

Not necessarily and even if that is true for most men/women it is not true for all of them and it may not be true for the man/woman you are dealing with at the moment. That is the problem with generalisations and stereotypes- they don't help us deal with each other as individuals and can easily mislead us when we are trying to understand each other.

 

You say that exes have contacted you and you have not seen that as an attempt to get you back. But he may have seen it that way and not unreasonably so from his perspective. But not all women would see it as you do and not all men would see it as he may have done.

 

But if you can acknowledge to yourself that he did see it that way and reacted as he did to forestall further contact and make it clear he is not interested in reconciliation then it may help you realise that he isn't a jerk - he simply did what he thought was best at the time.

 

There are literally thousands of posts from people on here asking what this or that message/sign/flicker of notice meant from an ex and most of them are hoping for someone to say 's/he wants you back". They look for any sign that may be the case - and will use it as an attempt to keep contacting the ex. He may understand that.

[rosie76]

I read about these one partner goes silent and the other feels used, hurt, worthless, etc. situations on here all the time and am going through one at the moment. I always agree that no one 'owes' anyone a relationship or continued contact in any way. I think it's poor show to ignore someone or be short with them, particularly if the people involved have been very close - but if that's what's going on, the best way forward in my mind is to accept it and move on.

 

That said, the line delimiting what's a reasonable amount of communication post breakup is surely debatable. If a couple are together for 20 years and one day a partner just never comes home, they're usually considered a rat. But what if they come home, say 'I'm leaving you' and refuse any further communication? By the 'when it's over, no one owes anyone anything' rule, that should be fine, but it's not. What about after a serious and conscientious talk? Or three? Or a hundred? Certainly at a certain point, if you've been as clear as you can about things and communication is just a pointless rehashing of set pieces, it's best to stop communicating. But I think it's a cop-out to say that set an artificial limit on when this is. And I don't see why those who favour open communication should be expected to understand and adapt to those who find it easier not to communicate and not vice-versa.

 

I know some will disagree, but I think once you've involved yourself in someone else's life to such an extent, especially when there are kids involved, and there's no poor treatment, you should deal with things in a way that's as mutually agreeable as possible to both parties. No, it's not 'owed', but this isn't a business transaction, is it? And if it were, the communicators are always getting short-changed.

 

I think his treatment of her in this situation is quite rude and extremely cold given the depth of their past relationship. It shouldn't make her feel the past was worth nothing, as there's no evidence of that, but I think it's fine that she feels upset and her daughter feels angry about what is needlessly cold behaviour. Writing the email is another thing, I suppose, though I agree that you needn't apologize for your daughter's actions.

 

Sure he may have assumed she was trying to get back (though that would be a mighty long stretch, and pretty arrogant) and maybe he just didn't want to be in touch, but both of those concerns are better addressed by an unambiguous 'Hi, thanks for your email. The helicopter you saw wasn't me. I'm glad things are going well for you, but I don't really feel comfortable starting up contact again right now. Sorry.' than by silence. That way information will have been exchanged, everyone knows rather than guesses where they stand, etc. Just not acknowledging the friendly tone of her message seems a selfishly one-sided and, yes, immature choice.

[DN]

know some will disagree, but I think once you've involved yourself in someone else's life to such an extent, especially when there are kids involved, and there's no poor treatment, you should deal with things in a way that's as mutually agreeable as possible to both parties.

But that isn't what you are saying - you are saying he should deal with things as his ex finds agreeable.

 

It must have been quite clear that he didn't want to talk - the last meeting was something he reluctantly agreed to six months after the break. Surely if he was interested in talking he would initiate contact - and not circle a building in a helicopter. I imagine that as far as he is concerned the last meeting was sufficient 'closure' for anyone - and they parted on good terms. I can see why he would be irritated at further contact after another eight months had gone by and was concerned another meeting would be demanded - just as the previous one had been.

 

It seems no one is looking at this from his point of view at all. The relationship is over, he wants to move on, he must have thought agter eight months that he was free to move on himself and didn't appreciate what must look like an attempt to start up again.