My daughter sent my ex a not too nice E-Mal

[rosie76]

Not sure, DN. I didn't know anything about previous contact from her, etc., but based on what was written in this post, I think I still stand by my thinking. I don't agree that I'm not seeing it from his side - he doesn't have to speak to her, but he also doesn't have to be rude about it. Being irritated aside, she's a person and he could have either not replied or replied to her civilly. To say he should deal with things as his ex finds agreeable, I'd say that he should write back with news about himself and his kids and respond to what she's said about herself. I don't think he should if he's not interested in that - but saying that anyone who's broken it off with someone can be as short as they like simply because they're irritated goes too far. Some people want communication and some don't. I try to understand those who don't, but likewise they should understand me when I do and at least go so far as taking the time to state that they don't want to talk. I think it's quite lazy to just ignore situations you'd rather not reply to - and I've been in plenty of those as well. Once the connection is there, as it will be after any sort of long-term relationship, you should always try to treat the other person gently if that can be done in any sort of honest way. And writing back as I suggested - 'sorry, but I don't want to talk' - is, to my mind, a much better way that sending the same message implicitly with silence or with a stropy one-liner. But had she pursued it after he'd done that, I'd have no problem with his being cold. But, as I say, I don't know their earlier history.

[DN]

I try to understand those who don't, but likewise they should understand me when I do and at least go so far as taking the time to state that they don't want to talk.

It's obvious he doesn't want to talk - otherwise he would. The talk was over and done with for him the last time she asked for it. This time he responded to her message with a simple "It wasn't me". It wasn't rude - it was a simple statement of fact. He could have chosen to ignore the message altogether but he at least let her know it wasn't him.

 

I think he did all that could be reasonably expected by agreeing to the meeting some months after the break-up - many, if not most, people would not do that. To attack him for a terse response to a yet another contact when he clearly doesn't want to go there is unreasonable in my opinion.

 

It was even more unreasonable, and plain rude, for the OPs daughter to send him a nasty e-mail. To contact him yet again to explain it wasn't her idea would be taking this to a form of harassment of someone who clearly doen't want contact.

[lady00]

Just because a person has a right to do something doesn't make it the right thing to do (e.g. I agree 100% that an ex has the right to reply shortly in a rude way...everyone has the right to do a whole lot of hurtful things...it doesn't make it the right thing to do...especially after a six-year relationship which ends on good terms). I do think there is something to be said for being kind, or at least refraining from being rude to people just because it is the right thing to do.

 

The email by the OP's daughter was wrong but she is a not yet an adult (I'm guessing) and her heart was in the right place. I don't think there is any need for her mother to apologize for her. I think everyone should just leave each other be so that everyone involved, including the children, can heal from the breakup.

[DN]

I wish people would try to see this from his point of view. Something that is very often lacking on the forum where only the point of view of the OP is considered.

 

The man ended a relationship because he fell out of love. It's hard but it happens. But the OP seems to think it is because of his depression even though he said it was not. The problem with that thinking is that it leads people to think that if the problem that caused the person to leave their SO, in this case depression, is solved, the person will see that they made an error and want their OP back. It's easier than accepting the truth because if someone falls out of love with you it is hard to convince them to come back to you.

 

Some months later she demands/request a meeting to talk about the relationship and he agrees. Again - many people would not agree to that but he did. He reiterated that it was not depression and, apparently, was pleasant but also very clear about his feelings.

 

Another few months passes and she contacts him again with what must have seemed a somewhat flimsy excuse about a helicopter circling the building - followed by an update about her life and a request for information about his life.

 

He knows that the OP did not want the break and was insistent on a meeting because afterwards she felt she deserved it. Under those circumstances, it is not at all surprising that he must have thought it was another attempt to get him back and that anything other than a denial that it was him in the helicopter would be seen as an invitation to continue the messaging back and forth. I suppose he could have added "Don't contact me again" but perhaps he felt that was too rude.

 

If there is a cardinal rule after a break up for the person who was dumped it would be 'no contact' - because if you do this is the likely result. The person contacted feels that they are being pursued and the person doing the contacting gets hurt.

[lady00]

I do see the ex's perspective. I get that he has a right to do what he did and that he might fear that she is trying to get him back. I've had exes that dumped me and I know they had every right to ignore me if i wrote a friendly email later on talking about my life and asking about theirs...and the best relationship I've ever had...the guy never acted like that. I could still talk to him and he was friendly and open and wanted to hear from me even though he knew that I wanted him back. So...I get that dumpers have a right to ignore dumpees. I get that they can be worried that the dumpee is just trying to get them back. I get all that. I just don't see why rudeness has to come into play--on either side (I think the daughter's response was wrong also). Maybe I'm just too naive. I will admit that is a possibility.

[DN]

How exactly was he rude?

 

He was unresponsive perhaps except that he said it wasn't him, but is it that really rude under the circumstances?

[Clarity]

I agree with DN, there is no evidence I see of him being "rude". Given what was explained, he has 100% the right to behave the way he did and did not at all deserve to receive a nasty e-mail from the OP's daughter. The fact that he has not responded to it is classy, if anything. What if he was and still is depressed, imagine what an e-mail like that could do to a person, being judged by a child... I feel for him.

[Daddy Bear]

Everything points to major depression in the ex, and depression is a disease that's very hard to understand and sympathize with unless and until you've experienced it firsthand. Having been there, I feel that his so-called (by some here) 'rudeness' should rightly be excused in the same way that we would excuse victims of Tourette's for their aberrant behaviors. He is not himself.

 

As to OP's daughter's email: myself a father of five, I know what I would do. Viewed in the context of his illness, her words were entirely inappropriate; but the fact that the girl had presumably no background knowledge on the matter should be taken into account. I think, then, that enhanced awareness is called for; certainly not any criticism or disciplinary action. As the parent whose task it is to raise her properly, I would simply explain that he was sick and suggest that she send him a very brief note of apology saying only that she didn't understand depression when she wrote the first and that she hoped he would feel better soon.

 

That course of action, I believe, is the one that would bring the most healing to all three people who have been hurt by the entire situation. With the girl's innocent mistake thus rectified in the spirit of compassion (a very good example for her to draw on later in life), I would then consider all loose ends tied and let contact with him drop.

[lady00]

He was unresponsive perhaps except that he said it wasn't him, but is it that really rude under the circumstances?

 

Maybe rude is the wrong word? It is definitely cold...to me this is basically the same thing... I don't see how he could not have realized that when he wrote it. What do you mean "under the circumstances?" As far as I understand, at the time the email was sent, as far as the OP knew, she and her ex were on good terms...if I were her, I would have thought "wow...I thought we were on good terms...I guess not...I guess you are going to be cold now. That's weird. I don't get it."

 

I think the most important thing is...what is the way forward...NC and the OP and having a chat with her daughter about moving on from the relationship that the daughter had with the ex and his children, so that the daughter understands that sometimes these things happen and the solution is not to lash out at the ex, but rather to just let things stay between the two adults. I worry that the children involved also need help dealing with this. Not having kids myself and not having gone through a breakup involving children, I am not sure how to approach it exactly but that would be my main concern in this situation.

[Cindersam]

Maybe rude is the wrong word? It is definitely cold...to me this is basically the same thing... I don't see how he could not have realized that when he wrote it. What do you mean "under the circumstances?" As far as I understand, at the time the email was sent, as far as the OP knew, she and her ex were on good terms...if I were her, I would have thought "wow...I thought we were on good terms...I guess not...I guess you are going to be cold now. That's weird. I don't get it."

 

Thank you lady00 for you resonses. You are right - this is exactly what I thought and no I don't get it. As a matter of fact the last thing he said to me the last time I saw him was to wave if I saw a helicopter. About a month later he did circle my house, I waved an that was the end of it. So when I thought it might have been him this time, I thought I would just send him a friendly E-Mail asking how he and his family were doing. I still don't get it but I will leave it alone.

 

I wish my daughter had not sent the E-Mail that she did and I have talked to her about it and explained some things to her - it won't happen again.

 

DN - I understand what you are trying to say but you have a few facts wrong. First I did not demand a meeting 6 months after the break up. He broke up with me on the phone in what amounted to about a 2 minute conversation with absolutely no warning that it was coming. A few weeks later I requested to see him in person which he agreed to but different circumstances kept postpoing it. We did meet 6 months after the break up because I felt (and he agreed) that I deserved to say good bye in person. It was a friendly conversation.

 

The last thing he said to me was that I should wave if I saw a helicopter (which in my opinion left the impression that we were on friendly terms) so when I thought it might be him circling my work I didn't think that was too big of an assumption.

 

Also as far as his depression, I asked him if I was what caused his depression and he said no. I know there were other things he was dealing with that last year. I asked him this question because I never would have wanted to be the cause of that for him and although I feel bad for him and what he was going though I was glad to hear that I did not cause it.

 

I still do care about him and hope he is no longer depressed. Because I care about him I will leave him alone because it appears that is what he wants.

[Cindersam]

somebloke - you are absolutely right about depression. That is the reason I wish she wouldn't have sent it. I do not agree with what she wrote and those are not my feelings on the subject. I do not think he deserved what she sent him and you're right an E-Mail like that to someone who is depressed is that much worse.

 

DN - one more explanation. I am not hoping that his depression is gone so his feelings for me will return. I hope his depression is gone because I still truly care about him and want him to be happy. I have watched my mother struggle with depression and I know how devastating it can be. Although I have accepted that we are no longer together and never will be that does not mean I don't still care about him. I only wish good things for him.