Is "Best Friends" Enough?

[Cracey]

I’ve read a lot of previous threads so similar to my current situation. I’ve been married for almost 5 years and have a fantastic husband, the problem is that I view him as a best friend rather than a husband. I just don’t have any passion for him now, and as I’ve come to terms with what is happening I can admit that I’m not sure I ever did. Every other aspect of our relationship was great and I guess I thought that the connection that we never had from the beginning would grow over time. This hasn’t happened which I’m incredibly sad about, but I’m not sure I can live the rest of my life feeling like something is missing.

 

I’ve spoken to him about it a lot, he would do anything to change things and is really trying which is breaking my heart even more because I can’t see how this will work out. I’m seeing a therapist to work through my feelings, he will come with me if I want him to (which I don’t right now).

 

I wish I could love him like he loves me, but I have no romantic or physical attraction to him and I can’t see how to fix this. We have tried going on dates, week-ends away, all the typical things that are suggested – all it does is make me sadder about the situation because I just don’t feel it.

 

I’ve been feeling this way for over a year now and I will admit that I have feelings for another man who is a close friend. These feelings are mutual and we have acknowledged them and both want to do the right thing so are staying out of contact totally until (or if) we are both free to consider if we want to see if this is something real. Nothing has happened between us and it never will while I’m still with my husband. These feelings about my marriage have been building up in me and my connection with him has made me realize that I have to deal with them one way or another.

 

Part of me thinks I am so stupid to even consider leaving such a good man and a good life, and I’m terrified that I regret it. Maybe divorce isn't the answer but I just don't know what is. I’d appreciate any advice, opinions of anyone who has gone or is going through this. It’s one of the most horrible times of my life because it kills me to think of the pain that I’m causing my husband, he doesn’t deserve this.

[Aschleigh]

Listen to yourself closely. Passion in life is neccesarry I believe. Love is taking big chances.

It will hurt to leave but it will hurt to stay too. No garauntees. What if you felt no fear? What would you do? Do it.

[wayoverit]

They say there's a 7 years itch and I see no exception here; afterall, you married the guy not at gunpoint.

 

If you are feeling sorry for your loving husband, then after you have exhausted marriage counselling, ask yourself:

 

1) Are there children involved?

2) Your falling for another man creates a bias view of your husband?

 

If both are NO, move on.

[tabbygirl]

Before I got to the part where you mentioned another guy, I suspected that there was another guy.(only because I had a similar experience) Did you really not have any passion or sexual attraction to your husband at the point that you married him? If you did, and that has now faded I would be afraid that if you do leave him and hook up with the new guy, that too would fade in time. Tough decision, make sure you are truly honest with yourself you don't want to regret it later.

[scotty77]

Obviously it is a tough decision ,I guess it depends what you are looking for.There are probably a lot of people who we could be strongly attracted to physically and feel passionate about yet would make terrible partners.In a perfect world it would be great to have both the passion/best friend qualities .Your feelings are likely not going to change if you never had them for your husband initially.

[Mrsympathy]

I would be willing to bet and I'm sure you'll deny it but you didnt realize you didnt love your husband until this new guy came into your life.It's just easy to get on here and say that you never really loved him and that is absurd.People like yourself make marriage just something to do and should never let vows cross your lips again.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I am sorry you are in this situation... a terrible place to be and heartbreaking for everyone. But a few thoughts...

 

If you are crushing on another guy in a big way, it is going to be very hard to kindle a spark with your husband. So if that is lurking in the background as a possibility or alternative to you, you have to put that to rest entirely if you want to work on your marriage.

 

The other thing to consider is that there are lots of men out there who will troll for married women, who are whelchers and cads. This guy may be very experienced in stirring women up, and enjoy the game of courting them and stealing them from other guys. So you could leave your husband, have a fling, and discover yourself dumped and alone, or catch this new man with another woman.

 

So you could be giving up a very good man for a man who is an unknown or potentially devastating choice. There is absolutely no guarantee the new man will work out, none. So you won't necessarily go from the comfort and safety of a good man to comfort and safety with the new man. they are independent of each other, and your chances of failure with the new man are high, just like the odds of any new relationship failing or working.

 

Remind yourself that it is easy enough to get a sexual spark off someone, but pretty hard to find a good man who is compatible with you where you have a comfortable life.

 

On the other side, it is very hard to live an entire life if there is genuinely no spark and the sex is bad. you didn't say if the sex is bad, just that you are missing a spark. he can learn better sex techniques, but if there is absolutely no interest on your part (unrelated to this other guy), then that is not a good thing.

 

So you really do need to work through what is important to you here, and look very closely at the fact that there is a good chance if you leave your husband this other guy will not pan out as a long term alternative. make very sure you know that, and be prepared to accept that, before you leave your marriage.

 

it is a VERY lonely place to be to have that not work out, and realize you tossed over a good man for someone who turns out to be a rotter.

[Cracey]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

 

 

1) Are there children involved?

 

No, thankfully. I'm pretty sure I'd have a different perspective on this situation if we did have children. I just don't want stay for the wrong reasons now and be in a situation 10 years down the line where kids might be involved.

 

Before I got to the part where you mentioned another guy, I suspected that there was another guy.(only because I had a similar experience) Did you really not have any passion or sexual attraction to your husband at the point that you married him?

 

I haven't ever had any real chemistry with him. When we were dating at first I often considered ending it because I didn't see any real future in it. But over time we became such good friends and I really enjoyed (still do) his company and couldn't imagine him not being in my life. We lived together before getting married and I'm really aware of the fact that passion fades over time in a relationship, so when he proposed I really believed that it would all be OK and that I shouldn't not marry him for that reason alone when everything else about our relationship was so good.

 

Now I think I've realized that it's that initial connection or chemistry that makes you husband and wife rather than best friends, and it needs to be there to begin with even if it's way below the surface most of the time with the day to day realities of relationships. He's a great man and a great friend, but I'd be fine never having sex with him again. We're so distanced from each other in the physical part of our relationship now that the thought of it seems very strange to me.

 

The other guy just made me realize what it's like to feel that way about someone again and that made me incredibly sad. I don't even have the memories of that time with my husband from the beginning of our relationship to think back on because it just didn't exist.

 

It's not about him though, I have no intention of having an affair or leaving my husband because of him. The reason I mentioned him was to be honest about a big part of what had brought all of this to the surface for me.

 

I would be willing to bet and I'm sure you'll deny it but you didnt realize you didnt love your husband until this new guy came into your life.It's just easy to get on here and say that you never really loved him and that is absurd.People like yourself make marriage just something to do and should never let vows cross your lips again.

 

Obviously this is true to a certain extent, I'd be lying if I denied it. Did the other guy cause this - no, I was feeling this way before I even met him. Have my feelings for him magnified the issue in my marriage - yes they have, but they didn't cause it in the first place.

 

I never got married because it was 'something to do', I married him because he is a good person and I love him. I thought at the time the kind of love I have for him was enough for me to be happy and never believed when I was saying those vows that I would be here 5 years later. I made a mistake, as so many of us do, which I'm now trying to put right in the best way that I can for both my husband and myself. If there was something, anything, I could do to change the way that I feel I would, I don't want my marriage to fail, and I'm really trying but so far it's not working. I would never want someone to stay with me simply because they took a vow and felt they were obliged to live unhappily because of it. I know people's views of the right reasons to stay married differ.

[Cracey]

Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate them.

 

At first I was really worried that the other guy was my main motivator for wanting to leave, but I feel confident that I've worked though this enough to know that he's not the cause of the issue here. I don't actually want to go into a realationship/fling with him at the moment, all I want to do is live by myself and be on my own for a while to get over this. I'm a pretty independent person, have been even throughout my marriage, and I've never felt the need to always be in a relationship. I'd rather live with the hope that I'll find someone who I can have a connection and friendship with, because right now I can't imagine feeling any more lonely than I do at the moment.

 

Very vaild points about the integrity of the other guy. The situation is not that way because he's someone that I know a lot of history about (about 10 years worth) as he is very good friends with friends of mine. He's a really good guy with no history of this behavior at all, and the way he's handled this whole thing has only reassured me of that. We've been very honest with each other about our feelings (which I know is betrayal enough to my husband) and the decision to step back from this and do the right thing was as much his as mine. He has his own stuff going on right now (not married, no kids - just to clarify) that I know he's working through. We are both very much of the opinion that if we're ever in a place where we are both freely able to see if this is something real, then we will, but no guarantees and no promises or even discussion of changing our present relationships because of each other. So I have no crazy dreams of being with him in the future. If it works out it's a bonus, but not something that I am even focusing on right now.

 

Sex with my husband has always been good, we've never had an issue in that department at all. The only issue is that I just don't feel attracted to him and feel that sex is something that I have to do rather than want to do (which I feel so guilty about). I was feeling this way long before the other guy was in my life.

[Gentry_2000]

From what you have written, it appears you have already entered into an emotional affair with the other man. The fact that you have not pursued anything physically with him does not take away from the fact that you have already started down the path. It WILL lead to more if it isn't headed off sooner than later.

 

The ONLY way your marriage can be saved and for you to see clearly what is transpiring is for you to get individual counseling, for both you and your husband to get marital counseling, for you to go completely No Contact with the other man, and for you to divulge your current indiscretions to your husband. He deserves to know and play a role in what is going on in his marriage as well...it's not just about one party.

[Cracey]

From what you have written, it appears you have already entered into an emotional affair with the other man. The fact that you have not pursued anything physically with him does not take away from the fact that you have already started down the path. It WILL lead to more if it isn't headed off sooner than later.

 

The ONLY way your marriage can be saved and for you to see clearly what is transpiring is for you to get individual counseling, for both you and your husband to get marital counseling, for you to go completely No Contact with the other man, and for you to divulge your current indiscretions to your husband. He deserves to know and play a role in what is going on in his marriage as well...it's not just about one party.

 

I agree that we did/were heading down the path of an emotional affair and that's why I have stopped contact with him, we have a lot of mutual friends (all unaware of this) so I still hear things about him but I always choose not to be with them in social situations if I know he is going to be there. I will not put myself in a situation where I am alone with him because I know we crossed the line and have to avoid even speaking to each other. I know it's naive to say never but I'm pretty certain I would never take things any further with him, I'm not going to have an affair I would hate myself too much. I do enough already for the emotional aspect of what has happened.

 

I am talking with a therapist, my husband chooses not to and would rather think that everything will be fine, but will go with me if I ask him to. I wish he would go alone but I'm not going to force him, it's his decision. He knows how I am feeling, I'm being honest with him as much as I can be but I don't see what good telling him about the other guy will do right now apart from cause him a lot of pain. If we figure that our marriage can work then I'll tell him so that he has all the facts and we start off again from a good place if he chooses to forgive me, but right now I just can't see how I'm going to get myself to that place. And I feel that telling him about the guy is selfish because all it will do it ease my guilt a little and cause him pain.

[bulletproof]

Here is the confusing part for me whenever I hear a story like this: if you are best friends, he's fantastic, and the sex is good, what exactly is it that's missing?

 

I say this because I have had friends in the exact position you describe, and I'm always completely stumped. If all those pieces are in place, what is left? It makes me suspect that maybe what is missing is within the individual, which I think is something you probably explore with the therapist you see on your own?

 

I think I also find it hard to understand because I have been in long-term relationships that I ended for very specific reasons. I knew what it was that bothered me about the person, and I knew what I wanted instead. What is it about your husband that you are finding off-putting?

 

I know this must be incredibly difficult and that sometimes situations/feelings can't be put into words. But maybe the attempt will help clarify some things for you.

[Cracey]

I understand totally why it's difficult to understand, and I do struggle to put into words what exactly is wrong.

 

When I say that the sex is good, I mean that there has never been anything wrong physically with our sex life technique wise or anything. Over the last 3 years or so it's been pretty infrequent I guess because I just haven't had any desire for him. This never seemed to bother him and when it reached about the 6 week mark when we hadn't had sex I knew that he would soon want to and I'd initiate it first to get it over with so that I could forget about it for another while. Lately I just can't go there at all, I can't deal with it. I feel like such a fraud pretending to want to be with him in that way so I would rather avoid it altogether.

 

One of the major things for me right now is that I can't see myself wanting to have children with him. It's not a strong desire for me right now to have a baby and I'm not 100% I actually do want that at all. I'm in my early 30's and know that I don't have forever to make the decision so I do feel that I have to decide whether to continue this relationship sooner rather than later. When I talk to him about kids he answers me that he'll have them if I want but its not a big deal to him if I don't. I struggle that he can leave such a major decision in his life to me, I just don't understand it.

 

I just don't think that I can live my life without any passion like this forever. In the 7 years we have been together we have never ONCE argued. I know that sounds unbelievable but it's true. I'm not saying that I want a relationship with a lot of arguments, of course I don't. But to never have argued in that time to me just highlights again the lack of passion between us. I would love to feel jealous over something that he does, or to feel that he does about me - just once! Instead I'm more than happy to let him go off with his single friends for 2 weeks on vacation. Yes I trust him, but is that really a healthy relationship to look forward to when he goes on these trips?

 

We also don't really have anything in common, I'm a much more sociable person and love being with friends, he would rather sit and play computer games by himself and often chooses to rather that go out, I go alone and meet our friends. When we are together in groups of friends I'm a completely different person than when I'm by myself, I feel more relaxed so I obviously prefer going alone.

 

I have no doubt that some of the issues are my own ones and I am trying to deal with them and figure them out. One of my great faults is that I always put other peoples feelings ahead of my own to the extent that I make decisions that make me unhappy in order to not hurt others. It's one of the things that I've faced up to in therapy, that sometimes it's OK to put myself first. I just have a hard time making decisions that hurt others and I let them go on and on until something happens that makes me face up to it. Exactly what has happened here.

[bulletproof]

I see what you are saying.

 

From my own experience, I have found that when I don't want to have sex with a boyfriend it is usually because of resentments that I'm often not even aware of. This might be the case with your husband, especially since you say that you never fight. Does he know how you feel about his unwillingness to socialize with friends? Does he know how you feel about his passivity regarding having children? Maybe those resentments are festering.

 

I have a friend who is in an extremely similar position to yours. Married for the same amount of time, and she knew going into it that she was not passionate about him. She has always accepted it because she felt like she couldn't do better and that a passionate relationship would devastate her if it didn't work out (she had a pretty crazy childhood).

 

When she and I talk about this, I often tell her that she doesn't realize that she and her husband have conquered the hard part of marriage- they can live together in complete harmony. Whenever a couple is divorcing, we hear stories of how they are fighting like crazy, and can't even be in the same room any longer. I do truly believe that the passion part can be created, although it helps if it existed at some point. Do you really feel that in your entire seven years you haven't had any passion? Can you capitalize on those moments if you have had them?

[just M.E.]

Cracey -

 

After you have read all the advice, here is one more thing to think about.

 

My parents will celebrate their 65th wedding anniversary this summer. There marriage may not be passionate, etc. over the years, but I can promise you, that caring bond, that friendship is something irreplaceable. What they have cannot be discounted. Looking to the last of your life with someone who truly loves you is worth a lot. There are no promises in life, but if I could have had that, I'd take that over any other benefit.

[lucyintheskywithdiamonds]

the point is:

 

IF the guy u are in love you says he is NOT going to stay with you...will you be alone, or will you go back to your hubby?

 

this is THE point.

 

do not throw your life on this man's arms. it is a too heavy weight.

[Cracey]

Thanks everyone for your feedback, this is really helping me to talk through this.

 

Does he know how you feel about his unwillingness to socialize with friends? Does he know how you feel about his passivity regarding having children? Maybe those resentments are festering.

 

He does know how ridiculous I think it is that he won't make his own decision about wanting children or not, I do suspect that a lot of this at the moment is an effort to keep me happy and a fear that if he says the wrong thing I'll use this as an excuse to leave. I've tried really hard to re-assure him that this isn't the case and to think about himself and not me in this because it's one of the biggest decisions that you make in life. He still remains so passive about it.

 

The thing is that I've not had an issue with him not wanting to socialise with my friends for a long time now. It bothered me at first but now I'd rather he wasn't there because it just makes me feel so awkward and I start to resent him for it. We moved a long way away from home a few years back and before we did we always socialised with our own groups of friends and never really together. His friends are very different from mine and from me, I never felt that we fitted into each others world.

 

Do you really feel that in your entire seven years you haven't had any passion? Can you capitalize on those moments if you have had them

 

I don't think I've ever had true passion for him. Certainly not at first when we started to date at the time when it's usually the highest in relationships. The first time we slept together I felt really sad afterwards because I just didn't feel the spark and I really wanted to because he was/is such a great guy. I think that for the next few years I convinced myself that I did have passion for him and what I had was enough for me, but it still made me really sad when I saw other couples who obviously had real passion for each other

 

Looking to the last of your life with someone who truly loves you is worth a lot. There are no promises in life, but if I could have had that, I'd take that over any other benefit.

 

Thank you, this is a really nice piece of advice. My own parents haven't been married quite as long but are in the same situation. The difference I see is that they still have that connection between them. I mean they are in their 60's but I can still see my Mom get jealous over things my Dad does - just silly minor things but it just highlights the way they feel about each other. I don't feel that I have that. Maybe this will be one of the worst decisions I ever make but I think I'd rather live life by myself than with someone that I feel dead inside emotionally with.

 

Recently I thought my husband was having an affair (he's not, I'm sure of that I think it was just me trying to make myself feel better about how I'm feeling. I didn't ever confront him about it or anything, it was my issue I know that) My point is that I actually felt happy for him and hoped he had found someone that really loves him because I so want him to be happy.

 

the point is:

 

IF the guy u are in love you says he is NOT going to stay with you...will you be alone, or will you go back to your hubby?

 

this is THE point.

 

do not throw your life on this man's arms. it is a too heavy weight.

 

I agree with what you are saying but this really isn't about the other guy. All he did was stir feelings in me that made me feel alive again and really sad that I'd never had those kind of feelings for my husband. I know I'm in a place right now where I might make a bad decision which is why he's no longer in my life.

 

I'm NOT in love with him, far from it and I don't want to leave my husband for him. Do I think he's someone that I could love if our circumstances were different - totally. But they are not. All I want to do is live by myself for a while and try to figure this out, I would choose this over running to the other guy every time.

[bulletproof]

Would your husband consider a trial separation? Maybe some time apart from him will help you gain perspective. Maybe you will find yourself not only missing him, but wondering what he's doing. It may seem like you'd be okay with him dating someone else, but the reality is often very different.

 

I just feel bad when I hear these stories because it seems a shame that there is little conflict, and people are still unhappy. But I also know that passion is important.

[Cracey]

Would your husband consider a trial separation? Maybe some time apart from him will help you gain perspective. Maybe you will find yourself not only missing him, but wondering what he's doing. It may seem like you'd be okay with him dating someone else, but the reality is often very different.

 

I just feel bad when I hear these stories because it seems a shame that there is little conflict, and people are still unhappy. But I also know that passion is important.

 

I do think that we need to separate for a while and I really hope so much that this is what I need get back on track. He won't be happy about it but I know he'll do it. The most logical thing for us is for him to move out for a while because he travels so much with work that he's only home about 30% of the time during the weeks and I'm there the whole time. But I feel that it's me that wants this so I should be the one to go.

 

I really want more than anything to shake myself out of this, I really do.

[PixelPusher]

Interesting, for sure. You seem to have put your thoughts down here pretty clearly and logically. That being said, I feel bad for the both of you. But the more I read, the more I wonder if this lack of passion stems from the lack of interaction you have with your husband. He is gone 30% of the time on business, and then he'd rather play video games by himself when he is home? How often do you guys interact? Talk? Do things together?

 

The infamous "7 year itch" (IMO) comes around when people grow used to one another and start taking each other for granted. Now you admit that you NEVER had a passion for him, which possibly was an unfortunate mistake made early on.

 

I too suggest maybe a trial separation so you both can get your bearings. But even though you SAY you won't pursue this other guy, it's obvious (even though you say it doesn't) he is affecting your decision. In the back of your mind, he is your safety net.

 

Good luck though.. sounds like you're really trying your best to think this through and seek professional help.

[Cracey]

Interesting, for sure. You seem to have put your thoughts down here pretty clearly and logically. That being said, I feel bad for the both of you. But the more I read, the more I wonder if this lack of passion stems from the lack of interaction you have with your husband. He is gone 30% of the time on business, and then he'd rather play video games by himself when he is home? How often do you guys interact? Talk? Do things together? .

 

He's actually gone more than that, I'd say more like 60% of the time during the weeks. I'm sure this has contributed to the fact that we've grown apart. I don't mind him travelling, he's always done it as long as I've known him, just over the last year the issue is that we don't seem to want to interact much when he is here. I look forward to the time by myself when he's gone and have that sinking feeling when I know he's coming home - the opposite to what it should be! On more than one occasion in the last year I've asked him to go somewhere with me which he's said he'll do - then an hour later I'm still waiting for him (on one occasion even sitting with my coat on waiting for him, just to see how long it would take him - 45 mins!). It's so frustrating.

 

Now it's at the stage where I'd rather he just does his own thing because I just want to do mine.

 

On the occasions where we do things together we still have fun. We're big snowboarders and I'd say that's the one thing that we have together that we enjoy and will actually get him to move to do something out of the house. Last summer I encouraged him, almost to the point I felt I was annoying him, to go do stuff, join a club, whatever. Never did a thing - just sat at home.

 

I too suggest maybe a trial separation so you both can get your bearings. But even though you SAY you won't pursue this other guy, it's obvious (even though you say it doesn't) he is affecting your decision. In the back of your mind, he is your safety net.

 

Good luck though.. sounds like you're really trying your best to think this through and seek professional help.

 

I know that this other guy is in my mind, I'd love him not to be but easier said than done. I'm working really hard to look at the reality of life without my husband with my therapist and really trying to remove the other guy from the situation at all. I'm still pretty sure I want to leave. But I'm aware that he is clouding my judgement, but I'm trying to minimise that as much as I possibly can. It's tough though.

 

Thanks for your good wishes.

[solsticefall]

I have been struggling with nearly the exact same problem. Dating for more than 5 years, then got married b/c we seemed compatible b/c we never argued and it seemed like the next logical step in the relationship.

 

The attraction you have for this other person is probably a "glimpse" into what kind of relationship you COULD have with someone else. Realize, however, that it is HIGHLY unlikely that anything will manifest from this *particular* person - they probably only serve to show you what's missing in your life.

 

We are taught from a very early age that we shouldn't be selfish, that we should take less than what we truly want in life, that sacrifice is honorable and is to be rewarded. I'm learning to reject this philosophy as completely false in favor of the fact that our lives are what we make of it. If you feel that you settled in your relationship/life, then the only way out is to cut your losses and remake your life into what you want it to be. It will be extruciatingly difficult for you and it may take years to get there, but it can be done. If you, like me, need Passion *in addition* to Comfort in your relationship, then it's *your* responsibility to make it happen, either with or without your spouse.

 

However, this does not mean that you should disrespect your spouse by cheating. If you choose to leave then take care of yourself, give yourself time to let your wounds heal, and THEN allow yourself to be intimate with others. Beware, however, that chances are slim that you and your ex will still be friends after it's over. That's the tax you must pay.

 

True Happiness comes when you take total responsibility of your life and maximize your investment in yourself to be the best person you can become. By definition, another person can't make you happy until you feel that you've earned them and they've earned you.

[Cracey]

Thanks Solsticefall, wise words and I agree with what you are saying. I'm working towards a lot of these things in therapy at the moment, that I'm 100% responsible for my own life and happiness and 50% responsible for my relationship. One of the refreshing things that it has also taught me is that I'm not responsible for his happiness and life (that doesn't relate to our relationship), he is, and I need to stop beating myself up because I think his life would be happier if he changed certain things and feeling responsbile when he won't. I guess in a way to become more selfish for me but still in a respectful way to him.

 

I know that if I choose to leave then I have to find happiness and peace with myself before I can truly move on. I think I'm getting there slowly and now it's time to figure out where the future of my marriage fits with that process.

 

I'm really not going to fall into an affair with this guy, I'm not naive enough to let my guard down, but I do feel that if we were going to go there we would have done already as we've had plently of opportunity. Now we're not in touch and I have too much respect for myself and my husband to physically cheat on him, I know the emotional part has gone too far already. And I know it's very unlikely that anything will develop for us - we were actually really good friends before we realized that there was more to our feelings, that's what I really miss at the moment. But I know I can't go there, too dangerous.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this too and I wish you well.

[Deon]

Hi Cracey, wow, your situation is very similar to what I have experienced -if I may ask, how old are you currently and do you believe that if you should get divorced, that you will find that 'missing part' that has been lost in you current marriage. I believe with my whole heart that I will not make the same mistake again. Have you decided yet what you are going to do?

[Cracey]

Hi Cracey, wow, your situation is very similar to what I have experienced -if I may ask, how old are you currently and do you believe that if you should get divorced, that you will find that 'missing part' that has been lost in you current marriage. I believe with my whole heart that I will not make the same mistake again. Have you decided yet what you are going to do?

 

Deon,

 

I read your thread and I'm sorry you are going through a hard time too. I think that being in this situation is a lot more common that I thought, I guess some people are content to live like this and others aren't.

 

I will be 33 this year, got married when I was 29. I've not reached that final decision yet, I feel like I've not given it a 100% shot to make it work yet and I owe that to my husband. I'm not convinced but I need to try. We can't go on like this forever though.

 

I'm not sure if I'll find what I'm looking for, but I think I would rather live life by myself than feel like this. I feel selfish that by staying in my marriage when my heart's not in it I'm denying my husband the chance to find someone who will have that passion for him. I would like to think I won't make the same mistake again, but I never thought I would in the first place.....

 

I hope everything works out for you.