How can he be so cold?

[Cindersam]

I don't understand how someone who loved me for 6 years can appear to be so cold and unfeeling.

 

I was with my ex for 6 years. We didn't fight - neither of us did anything "wrong" - he just lost his feelings for me. I was very upset at first since I didn't see it coming and still had a lot of feelings for him. I wanted to try and make the relationship work but he didn't. He had been depressed for quite a while before the break up and I think that had a lot to do with his lack of feelings.

 

It's been 14 months now and I feel like I'm moving on. I've dated some, no one seriously yet but still I'm out there. I've only seen him once in the 14 months and that was about 8 months ago. He was still depressed then and he admitted to me that I was not the reason for his depression which was something I had been thinking. I haven't talked to him since. The last time I saw him we were friendly towards each other so I felt we left on "amicable" terms. The last thing he said to me was if I see a helicopter to wave. He is a helicopter pilot and he used to circle my house and my job to say hello.

 

One day last week there was a helicopter circling lowly around my job just like he used to. He used to tell me if the helcopter was going counter clockwise then that meant that the pilot was looking but if it was going clockwise then the observer was looking. So that was how I could tell if it was him or not. Well this helicopter was going counter clockwis like he used to so I thought maybe he was just saying hi. Since we left things on good terms I didn't think that much about it.

 

I then decided that it had been long enough and I was over him enough to want to see how he was doing. So I E-Mailed him and asked if that was him circling. I told him that even if it wasn't that I just wanted to say hi and asked how he was doing. I told him a little about what was going on in my life (nothing about dating anyone else). I told him that it would be nice to hear how him and his famiy were doing if he got a chance. It was a very nice, just friendly kind of catching up E-Mail. I made no suggestions about seeing him or wanting anything from him.

 

Then today I got an E-Mail back and all it said was "it wasn't me". I thought that was very cold. He could have at leat said his family was find thanks for asking or something simple like that. I find it hard to understand how someone who loved me for 6 years (and most of it was very good until he started getting depressed) could be so cold. I can't just forget him that easily. Even though I do feel like I've moved on I don't see what the problem is in wondering how he is. As I said neither of us were really at fault for the break up. We didn't argue, no one cheted on the other, etc. So I don't see the reason to be so cold.

 

I guess it shouldn't bother me but I just always kind of thought that if I happened to run into him somewhere we could have a friendly conversation. Now I feel that if I ran into him he would ignore me and I have no idea why. I really don't understand.

 

I spent six years of my life with this man and even though it didn't turn out how I wanted it to I don't regret the time I spent with him. I prefer to think of it in a positive way but when he can be so cold it makes me feel that maybe he didn't really care about me like I thought he did. I would never treat him that way.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think your ex was acting like a jerk.

 

Maybe he was too much of a "coward" to face up to the person he "wronged"?

[Mandyish]

He is a complete jerk. I dated someone with depression. Not fun. And they have mood swings too. Maybe he was on a "down" day. Trust me, you dont even need someone like him for a friend. Cuz you'll never know what you might get. Friendly today or a jerk? Ya know? No more emails to him!

[Cindersam]

Thanks renaissance. I was kind of thinking the same thing.

 

It just almost makes the 6 years we had together seem like they didn't mean anything and that is not how I prefer to remember them.

[Cindersam]

Thanks Mandyish. You're right. I wasn't really hoping to be friends just friendly enough that we didn't feel like enemies or strangers. I know I shouldn't let this one incident change how I've been thinking but it kind of has.

 

It has helped me to move on and be at peace with what happened to think in terms that we had a good thing for many years and even though it didn't turn out how I expected I don't regret it. I really loved him and cared about him and I thought he felt the same. I am not angry that his feelings changed just disappointed. Somehow him acting like this makes me feel like what we had wasn't what I thought it was.

 

He is being a jerk and I don't deserve it.

[blueyes85]

It probably WAS him and now he's embarrassed because you actually saw him.

 

Unless you work near...I don't know, a landing strip or something, seriously, how many helicopters are going to fly that low and in that direction over your work??

 

Sounds fishy to me. But regardless, I agree with the rest, he is a jerk. You were just being nice. He's clearly not in a place right now to maturely deal with whatever feelings he may have---so just keep moving forward!

[ftheunion]

Guys aren't all emotional and junk. But he is depressed, so he aloof. Scientists don't even know why. Don't be all critical and overanalize. Subjectivism. Meaning no one person can ever get into the head of another. They can't understand how the other person is reasoning.

[MorbidMetalHead87]

Cindersam your story is very simular to mine. I dated someone with depression (biopolar dissorder) aswell who just "fell out off love" with me aswell It was not 6 years it was 7 months but I am only 20 so it mean alot to me. All I can say is follow the advice everyone is giving me. If you truly love someone let them go and if it IS true love they will come back to you. I dunno read my posts and look at the other advice everyone is giving me.

[Cindersam]

Thanks Morbid. I thought I had let him go. But I guessd if I really had this wouldn't bother me.

 

It's just so hard to have someone that you spent so much of your life with, that didn't end on bad terms, to never see or talk to them again. It just all seems so empty and cold. Just because our relationship didn't work out does not mean I don't care about this person and what is happening in his life.

 

ftheunion - I don't know if he is still depessed. It has been 8 months of no contact and I've only seen him once in 14 months. I guess he could still be bu I have no idea. I was hoping his life was going better for him by now. But maybe you're right. I have no idea why he is being so cold. I wish I could understand but I guess I never will if he won't even respond to me asking how he is doing.