Mixed signals, leaving soon, how to proceed?

[CrapAtNC]

Would greatly appreciate some advice on how to handle my last 11 days with my much loved ex.

 

She dumped me in Feb after I broke up with her several times because of the wall around her heart. We were together 9 months. Still seeing each other a lot, but the last time we were physically intimate was May. She had a rebound relationship. Won't get back with me; only reason given calmly so far is that she is scared of being hurt again, though now she's stating other reasons when upset (see below).

 

So, we now work together, very closely. Got on GREAT - better than ever. I discovered she may have a lover and broke off the friendship, but we were soon spending time together again. But, because of work pressure and not wanting to be her friend while watching her go off with someone else again, I have chosen to go abroad for several months - perhaps permanently. She has no lover currently.

 

She was upset when I told her I was leaving, but always stating she won't get back with me. We've had many lovely moments and many heated ones, but always back and fairly intimate soon after. We've both changed a lot, for the better, which makes it easier.

 

I leave the country on the 15th. She has been getting upset, and giving clues, but then I may be reading things into them. Says she hates me. Says she hates hearing about my upcoming trip. Says she won't get back with me because she hates me. But then a few hours later I'll be massaging her, and she'll stay the night, though only on my sofa.

 

I feel that she still loves me, but she tells everyone she hates me and can't wait to see me leave. Sometimes she refuses to let me touch her, saying it's because I'm leaving. When I last tried to find out why she wasn't very relaxed around me recently she said, 'You're leaving ... so there's no point me explaining' and 'I'm not good enough for you anyway ... you always complain about me' (I only ask why she isn't relaxed around me, though in the past I complained about the lack of affection).

 

Her friends listen to her saying she hates me, and so they all think I'm crazy for still being there for her. She doesn't tell them that she stays over, that she lets me massage her almost all over, and that she asks me to spend time with her, though not as much as I do her.

 

Two nights ago we booked a hot tub, but she backed out at the last minute. No problem. I let her take it and I waited outside. She swapped with me later and she waited outside. Maybe because I didn't react negatively, we had a really good talk afterwards. She even said she'd like to come abroad with me to live if she could earn enough money - that was a big shocker for me, as in the past she would have said No (although perhaps thinking different).

 

Today she hated me for asking her friend if she had a new boyfriend (stupid, I guess, but trying to work out whether I should keep pursuing things before I go, and I got a threatening phone call from a guy on New Year's Day and wondering if I'm stepping on someone's toes). Her friend tells me to leave her alone; I explain that I would if I felt she wanted that. Ex tells me she has only ever pretended to like me. By this evening she's relaxing with me again, although she refused to eat with me and went home instead.

 

So, am I crazy? I'm trying to get the most out of relationship before I leave. I'd like to get back with her if she can learn to open up a little, and I can learn to back off more to allow that to happen. I know if I leave her alone, she will be upset, as she always has been when I've made moves to let it go in the past. How should I proceed from here? Back off? Keep it as it is? Try talking about getting back together at some stage?

 

She seems like a drama queen, I know, but that is improving as I have changed a lot (best way to bring about change in others). She seems to hang on to problems and break-ups from a long time ago, but also her mother died in an accident recently, so I choose not to judge but instead try to understand, and try to help her focus on the here and now, and the future.

 

We are very, very well suited, apart from her overly protected heart and my tendency to need a little more love and affection.

 

I'd really appreciate some advice. We like each other a lot - that is clear. Everything else isn't. :sad:

[jettison]

I don't agree with your take that you're very well suited. Relationships shouldn't be this hard at all. I do not know why she engages you exactly, but a woman letting you occasionally massage her isn't exactly a ringing endoresement for the depths of her affection toward you, especially when it's sprinkled in with so much negativity.

 

I think that she's using you because you let her. She can say or act any way she likes and you keep coming back and going in for the massage, so to speak. That's an apt metaphor for this whole relationship. There's you, trying to massage all these problems away, finessing a situation that's really sounds like it's too broken for repair.

 

You can massage the broken bone, and perhaps the muscle will feel a little bit better, but the bone is still broken. Time to get a cast.

[CrapAtNC]

You know, often I start writing a thread on here only to delete it because I can see how I would respond to such a post, and thereforeeee have my answer and no need to pose the question.

 

After I posted this one and read it, I saw exactly what you saw. Strange that I had to write it down before I could see it.

 

I like her. We share exactly the same interests and passions except for a few things that allow us to have fun by ourselves. But maybe she doesn't like me as much as I'd like. Maybe you're right. I know she was madly in love with her previous ex (several years previous) and wanted desperately to get back together with him, but she never gave him that impression. My point (and hope) is that it's not us, or me, but something she has to overcome. Not shifting blame - I've learned a lot about what a * * * * I can be at times.

 

I want to make it work with her, but don't want to get back together if this is how it's going to be. So what do I do now? I'm crap at NC, and we work together and I live above the workplace. Should I just carry on as is, and then go 100 percent NC when I leave?

 

In the past, when I broke up with her, it brought about a brief but drastic change. She opened up more, tried harder to show affection. Maybe I should just leave and not contact her any more - I've never done that before. That would give us both space to assess the relationship and what we bring to it. Maybe I'll wise up and move on.

 

It's sad. But I do appreciate your directness. Thanks for the response.

[jettison]

It could be that she just has a very big fear of intimacy. People like that can sometimes connect short term with strangers, but they find if very difficult to connect emotionally or physically with those they care about it. They just can't risk letting them in and risking getting hurt. This could be her.

[CrapAtNC]

You're very insightful, jettison. That's what I have come to believe it might be.

 

We really like each other - we do. I used to be offended that she was relaxed around others but not me, but now I see it differently: that she is afraid of opening up her heart to me and getting hurt. My breaking up with her several times didn't help (in my insecurity, I may have actually done it to finally get a 'caring' reaction from her the last couple of times).

 

I'm 39; she's 31. We're not kids, but it reads like we are.

 

So, where do I go from here? Abandon someone I love because she will need a lot of time to open up to me (she has done on occasion)? Stay in contact, but more distant? Still supportive? I care about her ... maybe I shouldn't ... doh ](*,)

 

Maybe I'll meet someone better suited where I'm going and I'll realise just how easy love can and should be ...

[jettison]

I think she'll be a really hard nut to crack if that's true. If you get to close, she'll push you away. If you stay away, she'll hate you for not caring. You can't win. It's her problem and not yours to fix unfortunately.

[CrapAtNC]

I'll sleep on that now.

 

Many thanks for the chat.

[CrapAtNC]

Another outburst from her this morning. Told her I'm not taking that, and she cried and got more abusive.

 

Don't know whether to be understanding or just walk away from the abuse.

 

I know which is easier, but I'm not one for running away ... but then which would be the most effective to bring us both happiness ... either now or eventually?

 

 

[CatsMeeoow]

I've followed your story and this is sooooooo not a even close to a healthy relationship.

 

Walk away from this girl.

 

If you do not this cycle will continue to repeat itself throughout your lifetime and you deserve way better than that.

 

The only true chance you have with her is to be completely gone from her. You have been too available and she has continued to be wishy washy... her friends tell you to leave her be...

 

I think you need this trip more than anyone.

 

Use it to refocous who you are. Let the chips fall where they may but please quit taking this girls crap.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear but if you can just remove yourself (and you will be doing so soon) you'll be able to see this with a fresh pair of eyes.

 

Hang in there - no one deserves to be treated this way.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wow, this woman is a piece of work. If I were you I would leave and not look back. She is wishy washy, cold, no compassion or empathy, selfish, no understanding of how her actions impact you. It is good that you are leaving....maybe the distance will give some perspective on how toxic she really is.

[CrapAtNC]

You're all right. It's sad, but I realise what you're saying is true.

 

I should have gone NC from the start, but I'm crap at that. Going away will make that easier.

 

It's taken a long time, but I've finally had enough. Being there for her just isn't working. She has a problem, and as jettison said, it's not mine to fix.

 

I sent the final email, with a clear ultimatum. I explained that I feel she has a fear of getting hurt, and that I've tried to show I won't let that happen. I told her I wanted to love her, but I can't if she won't let me. And that these arguments have to stop. I told her I will leave soon and not look back. I love her, but I will move on. If she wants to discuss us, I will listen, if I'm not already involved with someone else; if not, I prefer that we no longer contact each other so that we can leave this painful 'friendship' behind.

 

And I mean it. From now on, I will just ignore what I don't want to encourage. But I'll respond to any signs that she is willing to fix her problem.

 

Really sad. Love this girl to bits. I've given her a bad write-up here because I need to focus on the problems to get the answers I need, but she is wonderful in so many ways ... she just can't let herself love or be loved. It's stupid, but I'll miss her.

 

Thanks for the very honest and considerate advice, guys. I'm accepting it.

 

Looking forward to posting happier news once I've left this all behind me.

 

Take care.

[CrapAtNC]

She read the email. Today she's being great. I'm not taking it for anything else other than her just being nice today. She's still shy to smile with me, though.

 

Anyway, I'm keeping to my word. I have to. I have one week left here. If she is good to be around, we'll spend nice time together. If she displays any kind of behaviour that I don't deserve nor want, I just walk away.

 

When I leave, it's NC all the way for anything other than a move toward reconciliation backed up by a willingness to open up on her part. It's the root of all our problems, so nothing else will do.

 

Feeling better today. Thanks for listening.

[CrapAtNC]

I'm still sticking by my guns. Incredibly, the email seems to have brought about a very positive change: the last two evenings she has called me up and chatted for 40 minutes or more in a fun, relaxed, and sweet way. This hasn't happened in a long time - not since we were together.

 

Maybe the ultimatum is having an effect. Maybe she just wants to keep things friendly before I go. Whatever the reason, it's something I want to see more of so I'm encouraging it by giving her what she wants: a cozy chat before bedtime. But I stand by what I said in the email: once I leave, she can seek to reconcile or never hear from me again.

 

ThinkICanGetBetterAtNC

[CrapAtNC]

With only me posting, this thread is looking more and more like a journal.

 

I'm guessing everyone can see I'm hopeless and thereforeeee not bothering offering advice any more. Just to reiterate: I've made it very clear I will move on unless she makes it known to me very clearly that she would like to try again (our problem has always been her fear of intimacy, so if she makes attempts at reconciliation, there would be hope for us).

 

Well, things have taken quite a turn, though, once again, I'm reading nothing into any of it; unless she confesses her undying love for me, I take everything at face value. I'm serious. I'm doing this. And it's having an effect.

 

She was very friendly again on the phone today, and last night we'd mentioned maybe hanging out and doing something fun. Well, she didn't play any games, didn't um and ah at all, and let me know very clearly that she'd be happy to do something tonight.

 

So we drove up into the mountains with some of our dogs and had hot tea and some nice food, overlooking the city on a clear, warm evening. We chatted, and it was a bit stilted at first, but it soon turned into a very fun night, with us laughing hysterically at each other while playing a very silly card game. I loved it. She loved it.

 

In my email, I said the only way I would consider getting back with her is if she can learn to relax around me again so that we can enjoy each other's company and have fun once more. She certainly made an effort to relax this evening ... if that makes sense. She even brought along some very expensive chocolate to share, and even tried to pick up the tab (she couldn't have known I'd already paid it.)

 

She did check on the way there that I wasn't under the impression this was anything more than dinner, and I of course was fine with that.

 

All in all, I'm very happy, because we are at least able to relax around each other more before I leave. If nothing romantic happens before I go, and she has made no attempt at sharing her feelings with me (if there are any to share, that is), then I go NC once out of the country. I'm really not going to waste any more time pursing the unpursuable, especially while I'm in a position to have the time of my life.

 

A couple of female friends (dates) have requested some 'fun' time before I go, and I'm in two minds as to whether I'll take them up on it, but we'll see.

 

Do you all think I'm mad?

[CrapAtNC]

OK ... so ... have you all gone NC on me or what?