New Years Eve

[TAB1234]

I need your help guys (and girls ). I saw this girl last yr very briefly but quickly bailed out b4 it got serious (just wasnt ready for a serious rship). However in Jan i started thinking abt her again thinking i didnt give her a chance and decided to go back and not be so fickle this time. Unknown to me was that people started gossiping abt reasons why i bailed out b4 saying that i disliked her family/mum etc...which wasnt true. She was sceptical at first and gave me a hard time abt the things i was supposed to have said but then gave me a chance and we got back together. Everything was going really well for abt 6 months (i honestly thought she was the ONE), we made plans abt settling down (we're both in our 30's, never married before and would like to have kids asap) but then we had this little argument which just "blew up" and she sulked for a week and didnt return my calls which got my back up so in anger i finished it VIA TEXT. felt bad immediately this time and tried calling her but she was understandably irate and told me never to call her again and hung up. I thought fair enough and gave it a few days and called her, i told her i didnt want to argue but she was v.irate and started shouting her head off, saying i'm play games with peoples lives and hung up!!! i thought i can't be with someone who is going to disrespect me by shouting (I have never shouted/swore at her). She did use one swear word but then realised she said it and backtracked a little) but still carried on shouting and hung up. didnt give me a chance to say one word.That was my closure. i deleted her number and texts so i wouldnt be tempted to reply and that was it. it hurt 'cos i thought she was the one and we'd made plans etc...but she just didnt trust me. Other people have told her that i'm a "player" and she thinks i go around using women but thats not true.

 

Anyway that was that and now i keep thinking abt her and have sent a couple of meaningless email saying -"hope ur well" (which have understandably been ignored) but without expressing how i genuinely feel ie that i did really care for her. Also sent her one msg on facebook saying hope ur well and she blocked me!! Question is Do i let go and leave it as have already caused so much damage and it's now been 4 months since we broke up (+ the fact she's ignored my emails/maybe blocked me even) or do i tell her that i did care. When i'm writing this it seems clear that i should drop it and move on but feelings are still there which i've never expressed to her which i sometimes feel i should express. However i'm confused as i'm also unsure whether i should express these feelings because i'm not 100% sure i want her due to the way she's treated me. if she's cut me off before she'll do it again (and what happens with the next argument) or do i still risk the wrath of being blasted again and express how i feel and take it from there? I feel as it its new years eve i can leave her a nice note (and not expect a reply) and at least end the yr on a positive/nice note but am confused!! Hope the above makes sense!! Any advice/thoughts?

[bustertypsy]

It's a tough call,I wrote a similar post link removed after 3 months of NC.

If you are 100% prepared to accept that you will not hear back from her then go for it.If it's a sense of closure for you,then it may help you move on.You have made a fair effort to rectify the situation,but she is still very angry by the sounds of it.My ex is similar,and as stubborn as a mule too.So expect nothing back and you won't be disappointed,at best.

Personally I have decided not to text her tonight,I already made enough of an effort to win her back.If she wants me,she'll have to do the work.

[TAB1234]

Thanks for that buster I have always been of the notion that if someone is rude/disprespectful then one should walk away but i do feel i contributed to it and when we argued i never re-assured her that i cared but was just exasperated by the silly argument we had which came out of the blue. I thought i had closure 4 months ago and now i still can't get it out of my head!! Should i send a note or not? One minute i think YES ('cos i want ehr to know that i genuinely cared) and the next i think NO (thinking she doesnt deserve it). Got 6 hrs to make a decision

[bustertypsy]

Well Tab,You will need to weigh up the pros and cons here.Just remember that relationships are a two way thing.It's as much her fault as it is yours.You have held out the olive branch to her before,only to be shouted at and ignored.I feel that you probably are more emotional because of the time of year and you want to show her that you have no hard feelings towards her.That's great and I wish more of us were like you.

 

If you feel the overwhelming urge to text,then please,for your sake just be prepared for no response.I have no idea if she'll respond or not,but at least prepare yourself and think no response.Then you can close this chapter in your life and walk on with no regrets whatsoever.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Only send the note if you want to get back together with her. It sounds to me that you are just thinking of yourself and how hurt you were but are not thinking much about what prompted this anger from her. You bailed on her once because you were fickle. Then she gives you another chance and with one argument (which you don't say here what is was about and why she was so angry) you just chuck the whole relationship instead of giving her time to cool down. It sounds like you want everything on your terms and get all bent out of shape when your feelings are bruised but don't even consider her feelings except on a very superficial level. She may have been rude and disrespectful...don't we all get that way when we are fed up and hurting. Sounds to me like you feel you are allowed to behave however you want even if it is hurtful and expect others to cut you some slack...whereas the minute someone hurts you...you stamp them out of your life without trying to understand why they reacted that way. How much can you really love someone when you can dump them so easily. How much can you really love someone if your ego and false sense of pride gets in the way. Over a silly argument you break up with her and then say that YOU can't trust HER. This is the second time you dumped her for no good reason and you are in self-pity mode saying YOU can't trust HER. You want to contact her to give yourself closure when you were the one who behaved badly. Your reasons for contacting her are simply to get closure and be rather vague with her so that when she doesn't respond to the vagueness you can walk away claiming you did all you could. Please! With that attitude I would say don't contact her...4 months has not helped you re-think your attitude and behaviour to any real depth....on the surface you know it was wrong, but deep down you don't really seem to care...this seems to be more of a game to you than anything else.

[TAB1234]

i'd prefer the "no response" because at least i can say to myself that i did make a genuine effort ('cos all my emails have just been vague one-liners saying hope ur well and thats it). I've never told her that i genuinely cared. Question is do i say that (even knowing that i'm unsure whether i want a r'ship with her) or do i just drop it and think i made a mistake and if she wanted to talk she could've? As i said i change my mind between the 2 choices every 2 secs!!

[TAB1234]

Crazyaboutdogs the argument was so silly. i made a nonchalant comment abt her mum not liking boys (her mum has 3 daughters and 2 granddaughters and i said my cousin has 6 boys and my ex's mum said she wouldnt like to have all boys which i misheard to her saying she doesnt like boys). However my ex called me a jerk for saying that her mum doesnt like boys and said her mum would never say anything like that and i said "are you saying i'm making it up out of the blue and lying" and she said stop being such a jerk which really surprised me as we've never been disrespectful to each other and got me upset. We had dinner but i was upset and dropped her home. I calmed down and told her we need to talk abt what happened. I told her i couldnt look at her y'day 'cos i was upset at the name calling -she took that as i meant i couldnt look her out of disgust but it wasnt that -it was out of hurt/upset. She thinks i was aggressive and how dare i say that to her etc... and she hung up. She then ignored me for a whole week which is when i sent the hissy fit text. I apologised 24 hrs later saying i was angry at being ignored for a whole week and she blasted me which is understandable and i hold my hands up for. However a few days later i rang her again saying i dont want to argue but got shouted down again and she hung up.

[TAB1234]

Crazyaboutdogs -guess you're right. Deep down i do feel bad for hurting her and am vague abt getting back 'cos i'm not sure whether we can both trust each other 100% after whats happened.

 

i meant i hope she doesnt response with the fact that i don't want to get "blasted" again

[TAB1234]

"How much can you really love someone when you can dump them so easily"

 

Think i got scared thinking she can ignore me so easily and whenever we have an argument she'll stop talking to me for a week and i couldnt handle that. I sent the hissy fit text to protect myself

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like you both have communication issues. If you were behaving like a jerk, she has a right to tell you that you were behaving like a jerk...she was defending her mother because you insulted her mother. It is all fine and dandy to use the psychobabble "I am hurt when you say such and such" but in the heat of the moment, we don't always think. She called you a jerk..but she didn't go beyond that and really hurl abuse at you. Do you think saying to someone "I can't look at you" is kinder? I can see why she was upset. The minute she shows any kind of emotion you kick her down and retaliate...maybe she is just fed up. I am sure this is not from today...I bet if you really think about the last 6 months, you will realize that there were probably many instances in which you did not treat her respectfully and take her feelings into consideration. I think you really need to do a lot more thinking about this. You even said you don't know if you want her back. If you don't want her back, then why bother sending a New Year's greeting. You really need to get a better grip on yourself and start thinking about the impact of your actions on those around you.

 

Not talking to you for a week is also inappropriate. The two of you really need to work on your communication skills.

[TAB1234]

That was the first argument we had!! I really don't know what to do

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, I guess first you have to decide if you love her enough to want to re-build the relationship. If you do, then you should contact her with an apology for how you behaved and that you do love her and would like to re-build the relationship if she would like that as well.

[TAB1234]

didn't send the note in the end (Even though i went to her twice, i couldnt bring myself to post it!!). You're right i shouldn't be doing it just to make myself feel better and only do it if i decide i want to re-build the r'ship. Got caught up with whole closure in 2007, new years eve thing. If she wanted to she would've been in touch but has either moved on or is still angry, thereforeeee a note would only antagonise her which isnt fair. It's strange as an "outsider" it seems so clear/simple but when one is caught up in a range of emotions one can't think straight. Am confused 'cos still have feelings for her which i never expressed but also as she doesnt want to have any contact with me then i should let it be