Help, Christmas Angst

[confusedmama]

I'm really unsure where to post this. But since it has a lot to do with my children I'll try here. It's been a long time since I've posted, not that things are running smoothly, but time is at a premium. The holidays are a struggle, especially with this issue.

 

We have had Christmas with my dad & stepmom the weekend before CHristmas for over 10 years, this year the weekend (this weekend) falls on my ex-husbands weekend for visitation. I asked to switch weekends month ago-he has refused, unless I give up my part of Christmas break (he has the boys 6 days, I have them 4) in return. This would mean I get the kids only 2 days over break, the only time I'm not working and can spend the time making cookies etc...

 

I am sooo angry with him, the boys are afraid to ask. When I asked again last week, he stated "some traditions have to change". He has no plans for the kids, why can't he let them come to their grandparents?

 

Any suggestions?

[melrich]

I have no real suggestions. This is one of the more frustrating outcomes of shared custody or access. Unfortunately some years the chips don't fall your way.

 

I would normally advise you to talk to him but I get the impression he is not going to be accommodating.

[confusedmama]

As the weekend gets closer I've been crying more. I hate that he can still do this, although I think I'm crying for my kids more than myself. My parents are in good shape but they aren't going to be around forever and I want my kids to spend as much time as possible with them and the rest of the family.

 

I guess I just don't understand what makes him sooo horrible. This to me is simply meaness and I don't deserve it and the boys definitely don't deserve it. Why do people act this way? HOw hard is it to be nice to someone? Especially if those people are your own children?

[melrich]

Well why can't your family switch the Xmas date so the kids can be there?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

this is one of the unfortunate consequences of divorce. i know this is upsetting for you, but he is their father and has rights to see them over Christmas too...

 

you are looking at the kids as 'yours' and your parents, like you should have rights to all the family/holiday time, and that doesn't work in a divorce.

 

rather than wasting energy and anger about this, most families who divorce accommodate this by celebrating Christmas on the days you do have them. So whatever days those are you have with the kids, make it a family celebration, and have you parents celebrate with you then. the actual DAY isn't so important as the family celebration and enjoyment of the holiday.

 

if you are angry and upset because you are not having everything exactly as you want it, it will ruin the Christmas for them. you need to put on your apron and bake those cookies the days you have them, and spend the time they are not with you doing other fun and relaxing things for yourself and your parents. go shopping, read a book, and try not to dwell on something you can't change. sometimes this is the way it works out, and you will have other times when you have them that your ex husband will be hurting.

[confusedmama]

We have actually moved this date to the weekend before Christmas in order to stop all the family fighting/stress. My parents are divorced, my ex's were also. This weekend is the beginning of Christmas. Why should I ask the rest of my family (2 brothers-1step, their wives & children) to move a "Family" Christmas that is alway scheduled on the same weekend? I don't expect the rest of the world to stop because of my schedule. Besides we have my neice's birthday next weekend and we try to keep that separate and then the ex gets them back Christmas Day until NewYears Eve.

 

I would still be upset, but maybe not so much except the ex just had them 3 weekends in a row because the way the THanksgiving holiday worked (last year I gave him 2 days in there when he didn't have them for that long of a time frame). I offered him 4 weekends in a row in order to have the boys this weekend so they could be with their grandparents.

 

I try to make the best of this situation. I'm tired of being the good guy. If it sounds like I'm whining, I am. While i know what goes around comes around it doesn't make it easier right now and to watch my 6 year be angry & sullen this morning because I get to have Christmas with Pappaw and he doesn't, killed me. I look like crap, I feel like crap and I would like to curl up and cry for the next 3 days.

[3boys]

Have you tried to tell the ex how the kids are feeling about this? It sounds like he's just being spiteful. Have you asked your family to switch? Or, at least your parents? My best friend was going through a similar situation with her in-laws and her family agreed to switch just to keep the peace...

[3boys]

Oh, and I'd remember this the next time HE asks YOU to switch weekends....

[confusedmama]

I did tell him how important iit was to the boys, to no avail. I even had the boys ask him and I NEVER tell my children to ask him for anything (if they do it on their own that is one thing but we sat down and talked about what they wanted for this weekend) he still said no.

 

I have already decided that the next time he wants a favor-it won't work with my schedule. I woun't withold my children from their grandparents, but he will get NO extra time.

[southerngirl]

Well, I know it wont be for the Christmas get together that your family does for a week before, but perhaps since you will have them on Christmas you can make a special trip there to see your parents. Or make the trip two weeks before.

[Mythical_Suicide]

When two parents aren't together and are having to split time it's a push-shove situation. You both have to give at some point. I know, I had a hard time adjusting at first but you have to do what is best for the kids and if that involves letting him get the kids on his time so there isn't a huge fight over it then so be it. Celebrate Christmas some other time with your family, it shouldn't be about the date, time or place but the fact that everyone is able to get together. It is his time with HIS kids as well, and while I do understand the breaking traditions is hard but sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do in order to make things work.

 

Just from now on don't bend over backwards to help him out in anyway.

[Mythical_Suicide]

My parents are in good shape but they aren't going to be around forever and I want my kids to spend as much time as possible with them and the rest of the family.

 

 

 

While this is true about your parents, it can also be said about the father as well. He won't be around forever either and the kids do need to spend as much time as they can during the holidays with him too.

 

I know you're probably not liking the way i'm seeing things but it's unfortunately how it works out when you're splitting time with someone.

[confusedmama]

No, I actually agree that it needs to be split. I have not had a problem allowing the boys to do things with their father at times when he asked (I've even moved other arrangements for this). I won't do it any longer.

 

I did make it through the weekend-although not without tears. I missed my kids terribly and the thought that they missed all the family time-swimming with their cousins & pappaw, helping Nanny cook dinner, rabbit hunting with the dogs and their Uncle, chillin' watching Christmas movies, etc-made it harder. I realistically spent alot of time sleeping. It was hard and it is even harder not to be bitter and hateful toward their father. The fact the the oldest came back sullen and silent, the middle one has a tummyache(that has been going on since Fri) and the youngest is soo clingy he seems to be permantly attached to my leg, doesn't make me any happier.

 

I do understand about changing traditions/splitting time. IF the ex hadn't had the boys for 3 weeks in a row overThanksgiving, IF I hadn't offered to give him 4 weekends in a row to have this one, IF his family was coming in, IF the boys hadn't wanted to go this past weekend, then I wouldn't be as upset as I am. Sometimes I get tired of being the one who gives up the time/money for the "good of the boys". Sometimes I want to be the pushy, nasty, evil b*tch.

 

Guess I should simply be glad I'm out of the relationship. Unfortunately, for my children, the relationship will never be over.