stuck

[bakerrac]

ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years. he was a stoner when i met him and he's still a stoner. when we first started seeing each other, i never thought it would turn into a LTR, so i just sorta brushed the stoner thing aside. i was just having some fun. turned out, we got along great and ended up falling in love. now, after 2 years of suppressing my hatred for his lifestyle, im really starting to break down. i dont feel comfortable asking him to stop smoking because i know it wont go well. ive thought about ending the relationship, but when i think about how much fun we've had together and how amazing he can be (especially when he isnt high), and how much i absolutely LOVE his family, i break down. i feel like im really stuck between a rock and a hard place. ive also thought about writing to his family to let them know he has an addiction. i think he might hear it a little more if they voice concern for him. i love this guy, i really do, but...i dont know, im so lost, and everytime i try to start telling him how i feel about the smoking, i get stuck and i cant. i know he wont change for anyone but himself.... help?

[romantic sweetheart]

I understand your pain. My sister is finally leaving her husband in part because she is done trying to cope with his addiction to marijuana.

 

As with any addiction, the beahviour becomes a crutch, a tool to avoid something, to distract the mind/body/soul from something--to basically not be present to life during the high.

 

It comes down to the fact that you are unhappy with his lifestyle, and need things to change in order to feel secure. You owe it to yourself to have a talk with him, to voice your feelings. It's important that we reveal what is in our hearts to those we love, instead of letting resentment grow.

 

It seems you may be afraid to discuss things with him because in your heart you know that if he resists, you will have to make that tough decision to either stay or leave, and it's scary having to come to terms with that. But your happiness is worth this risk. It wil only hurt you and him in the long run to deny your own misgivings, to "brush it aside" as you stated earlier in your post.

 

It is true that he has to make that decision to change--but perhaps you would be surprised to find he may indeed seek to stop smoking if he knows it upsets you so much.

 

Please share your thoughts--keep working through all the possible scenarios in your mind so you won't feel so frightened, and let us know how things are going.

 

Remember, never feel badly about wanting to be true to YOU, and what you require to continue a loving, healthy relationship. Relationships that involve a serious addiction have energies pulled in opposing directions, and harm is done to trust and love......So don't be afraid to speak your feelings......

[Daligal83]

If you've been together for two years, I assume you guys talk about/think about a future together. What kind of future can you build with someone who is a stoner? How can he hold down a job? Help take care of the house? Help raise children?

 

I think it's fair at this point in your relationship with him to have that conversation. You can say that you want a future with him, but you're worried about how often he smokes pot. It's one thing doing it with friends when you're young, but now that you're getting older you're worried that it's a lifestyle thing and it won't change. Let him know that it's not something you can deal with forever.

[RayKay]

When I was in high school, I dated a guy like this too.

 

He was a lot of fun, really sweet and kind....but he was a big stoner. We were quite the opposites really - I was rather geeky in terms of wanting to get good grades, athletic, artistic....he was more into breaking things (he worked in demolition too!), smoking pot and just skating by in school!

 

He knew I was not really "happy" with how much he smoked pot (I didn't by the way) though I never asked him or told him to stop, he often would show up stoned for school, or for dates with me, or for family functions...and what can I say, I felt disappointed. He knew I would be and would promise to not do it again (not not smoke, but just be more considerate about when he did) and he would....

 

I ended up breaking it off shortly after high school (he did not graduate either). It was hard. He was my high school sweetheart and all, we had been together three years and gone through some tough stuff together. I admit I did not handle it in the best way either but I was really young & very confused. I broke his heart (he had thought we would get married and all) but I knew we were just such different people, going in such different directions. I really cared about him - and loved him - and while I wonder how he is doing at times and hope he is alright; it really was the right thing to do. We just were not right for each other in the long term.

 

 

Only you know what your needs are in a relationship, and what you need in the long run. The problem with being with a stoner is they are never really "there" to really be participating in the relationship and they are never really "them".....often you are dating them "on drugs" and not THEM.

[WaterIsLife]

As with any addiction, the beahviour becomes a crutch, a tool to avoid something, to distract the mind/body/soul from something--to basically not be present to life during the high.

 

It comes down to the fact that you are unhappy with his lifestyle, and need things to change in order to feel secure. You owe it to yourself to have a talk with him, to voice your feelings. It's important that we reveal what is in our hearts to those we love, instead of letting resentment grow.

 

I agree very much with this statement. It is one thing to enjoy something on occasion, but when it is a lifestyle you need to be 100% ok with it or something has to change.

 

Not too long ago I had a pretty good drinking habit. As romantic said, it was totally a crutch. Something I used to shut-off and avoid things. It can be very difficult to deal with a person that is doing that.

 

You are really going to have to put your foot down on this. Its pretty scary to do. But if you don't this is going to eat away at you steadily to the point where you will loose your love for him.

[Blue Skittles]

I feel for you. I just broke up with my stoner boyfriend of 8 months last night. When I first started dating him I didn't even know cuz he hid it from me for 3 months, by then I was in love.

 

I've dealt with relationships with addictions before and if there is one thing I have learned there is nothing you can do to stop them. He has to make that decision himself. You can't change them.

 

Thats why I broke up with him. I just don't want the pot a part of my life. I couldn't deal with that when I get married and have kids. And I don't want to wait around to find out when or if he is going to quit.

[bakerrac]

thank you, everyone..you've been helpful. he's what i call a "functioning stoner" b/c he can seem to do anything stoned...he has a job, he's in school, but its just a gross habit, etc. he's turning 25 soon and wants to be an elementary school teacher when he finishes the credential program ( and they dont drug test teachers here either which is sickening to me), so i feel like its about time to grow up a little. plus, he was in a terrible accident a couple years ago and died but was rescusitated...i dont understand how he can treat his body so badly after being given a second chance at life.

 

***does anyone have an opinion on letting his family know about his lifestyle? they know he smokes, but they dont know the extent of it, and i feel like they might be able to convince him to get the help he probably needs.

[ghost69]

i wouldn't go the family route. i'd try and help him personally first. one on one help. you have to intervene if you want anything to change. the relationship is half yours and if you have concerns, you need to bring it up.

[devilslefthand]

All you people think that smoking pot is a bad thing, and couldnt be farther from the truth. Marijuana has never killed a single person in the history of mankind and it's only a matter of time before it becomes legal. As for the whole "you'll never get anywhere in life" mentallity, over 80 million americans have smoked it. Millions of people over the history of man have used it, including:

 

Nobel Prize winner Dr. Francis Crick

Friedrich Nietzsche

Mike Bloomberg

Pablo Picasso

Stephen King

William Shakespear

...just to name a few

 

And, in fact, link removed states that even Jesus Christ used cannabis.

 

The list I took the names off of came from link removed.

 

Marijuana is not some evil, life-destroying killer like the government would want you to believe.

 

Sorry for the rant, its just that this usually peeves me off when people make conclusions about things they dont fully understand.

[ghost69]

you were there when jesus was smoking? don't believe the hype. any smoke of any kind in your lungs is bad for you. otherwise, sitting in a house fire would be okay for you.

[RayKay]

It is indeed bad for you, and your lungs, as you are inhaling toxins in there and smoke damages lungs, no matter what kind of smoke it is. Many studies have also showb that you are just as impaired driving for example by smoking pot as you are drinking alcohol - more likely to cause accidents.

 

No one had said here that "one puff" will kill you (even that LIST on the left side of your cannabis users list references the list is only to show "a puff won't kill you" so it does not indicate whether these are people whom tried it a handful of times, once or are dependent on it...), we are talking about a dependency to degree it does bring down your life in more ways than one.

 

Just like with alcohol, if you use a little bit, and manage it properly - it probably won't "affect" your life that much. I have smoked pot in my distant past too a few times as a young teenager, and certainly am no worse for the wear (though I have not smoked it since I was a teenager and wouldn't either as it DOES affect lung capacity for my athletic training, IS smoke-damage for your lungs, and I DO have responsibilities like a career, family and school and honestly....I just think it is a bit immature now and pretty stupid...it makes people THINK they are more lucid and "smarter" but it is generally the opposite...just my $0.02).

 

But, just like with alcohol, if you become dependent on it, it certainly DOES affect your entire life - and I have seen it many times.

 

The OP IS bothered by it as her boyfriend IS dependent on it in some fashion and it IS affecting him, her and their relationship and she has every right to be concerned about it.

 

I have nothing against pot itself for people whom want to use it themselves, as long as they stay home and don't drive. I have no problem with someone using it for medical purposes as it is legalized for that up here at least. But, I would not date someone whom was using it at this point in my life, as I HAVE seen what it does to personality and overall life more than once.

[jaded22]

interesting post. i too am dating a guy who is a pothead. he can do anytihng high but now i notice when he is stoned or not by his lack of concentration or his eyes. or the things he says, unfortunately. Either way, when i started dating him i knew he smoked but figured we too werent going to be long term so i let it go. then i fell in love and we were happy and slowly my hatred for pot crept up on me. ive always seemed to date guy who smoke pot too much (is it that popular?) and i always end up leaving them because honestly i dont want my husband putting his kid down for a nap then sneaking to the garage to smoke a bowl. no thanks. grow up.

 

 

my point is -- i too am also to the point where i just want it to stop. he quit smoking cigarettes and told me 'dont get excited, im not going to quit smoking pot'. nice right? Do you ever feel like your bf talks about pot like it is the coolest thing on the planet? the more i hear about it, the more fed up i get. he always seems to bring it up in conversation and im just at the point where i am over it and over pot and i want to move on and be ADULTS. no offense to people who smoke pot but im just not that into it and ive made a promise to myself that the next guy i date, if i do date again, will have nothing to do with pot whatsoever. i cant deal with this crap again.

 

in conclusion, i know how you feel. and i am in the same struggle so i guess i cant offer that much advice except for me i try to decide if him smoking pot is something i can deal with for potentially the rest of my life. and i know that i dont but besides the pot thing he is the greatest bf ive ever had. so really...what can you do? its a hard choice.

[sweetooth]

Wow I can totally relate... especially "and i always end up leaving them because honestly i dont want my husband putting his kid down for a nap then sneaking to the garage to smoke a bowl. no thanks. grow up."

 

Somehow we got to talking about pot again and some of my bf's comments like "I"m going to do it wihle I can" do I figured he was going to stop when he is older (he's 22) but we talked about family and children and he said that he plans on still doing it, "just not around his children". Wow. Big turn off. It is a tough choice and the more I think about what I want in a husband...That is definitely not it...And as people stated how it will eat away at you...it will, because it's eating away at me and I'm at the point where I am ready to move on. Do what makes you happy.

[jaded22]

the perfect example of this problem happened to me tonight. i told my bf in the beginning of our relationship that the minute pot interfered in our relationship that was it for me. Tonight I wanted to hang out with him b.c. i havent seen him and barely spoke with him for the past week due to winter break. He invited me over but let me know that some 'friends are coming over to smoke'. Sooo pretty much THAT means i will be sitting on the couch watching you and your friends smoke pot and then play video games. No thanks.

 

This is now interfering with my relationship. & I refused to go over there tonight because Im not going to put myself in a situation where I am so completely uncomfortable and angry at the same time for his choices.

 

 

I am even more confused about it now then I was two or three hours ago! I want to hang out with him so bad but not like that.