Christmas Eve! Am i right to be angry?

[demolition_lover88]

A few weeks back my boyfriend asked what i wanted to do for Christmas. I work in retail, so i only really have the bank holidays off. I said i'd like to see him on Christmas Day after dinner, so i could spend time with my Mum.

 

He said that was a good idea, and that as a traditonal he always went out on Christmas Eve with his best friend/cousin. I didnt think anything of it at the time, infact i encourage him to see his friends.

 

However last weekend (as some of you may know from previous posts) my boyfriend and i had a bit of a conflict. One of the reasons is stated in my previous posts, but in the evening i found out it was not just my boyfriend and his cousin going out on Christmas Eve, it was also his cousins girlfriend and her friend going too. I got upset, not because i really wanted to go out, but because i felt he should of asked me if he knew some girls were going along too. I'm feeling really hurt now. I've swallowed my pride and said sorry in a few text messages. I've tried ringing him, only to get one answer and he was distant with me. I'd like to apologise in person, but i cant seem to get a reply from him. I wouldnt just turn up at his house.

 

Im not sure whether i was right to be angry, to me it seems he was trying to hide the fact these girls were going. I only found out when i met one of the girls myself and she mentioned it infront of me.

[shikashika]

It is upsetting, but really he is STILL going with his cousin, just some extra people are coming along as well.

 

Since you already told him you couldn't go, why would he ask you again?

 

Are you more upset that other people are coming along as well now, and its not just him and his cousin?

 

I can understand being a wee bit upset, but I think you are overreacting a little bit as well.. its Christmas.. what is his cousin supposed to say, No.. to the girls?

[Hope75]

Did your boyfriend actually know that his cousin was planning on bringing along his gf and her friend?

 

What did your bf say when you asked him about this? Did you tell you that you can't join them?

 

I'm trying to figure out what it is you are upset about specifically.

[15 Storeys High]

I felt he should of asked me if he knew some girls were going along too.

 

You think, because girls were going, he should ask your permission to go? That comes accross as quite possessive and a little bit controlling. Don't you trust him?

 

Maybe he didn't think it was a big enough deal to specifically mention it. Maybe he assumed that you would know his cousins girlfriend would be going too.

 

Having said that, you know your boyfriend and if you think he was delibrately hiding the fact from you then maybe you need to have a look at why he would do that?

 

If you feel you had the right to get angry then that's all that matters. No one can make you stop getting angry at such things....they're your emotions.

[demolition_lover88]

I guess i had already told him i couldnt come along because i was working all day. (This was when he mentioned going out with his cousin).

 

It was at the weekend i found out these girls were going, apparently they'd been going all along. It just seemed as though he knew all these people were going and didnt think to ask me.

 

I would like to go out, the only reason i said i was busy is because i assumed it was just him and his friend and i didnt really want to go out with the lads.

[demolition_lover88]

thanks for replying 15 Storeys High.

 

I guess i am quite jealous and possessive. Its not something i am proud to admit. I do have trust issues, not that i have any reason to untrust my boyfriend.

 

The way he made it sound when mentioned going out, was that he was going out with just his friend. He made it clear i was unwelcome really. I found it upsetting to find out these girls were going too. It made me feel like everyone was invited apart from me.

 

Maybe i am wrong.

[shikashika]

I would like to go out, the only reason i said i was busy is because i assumed it was just him and his friend and i didnt really want to go out with the lads.

 

 

I thought you said it was because you were working ?

[demolition_lover88]

thanks for replying Hope75.

 

Im not really certain whether my boyfriend knew that these girls were coming along before i found out about it.

 

 

When i asked him about it, he almost brushed it off saying it was something he did every year (i wasnt with him last year, so its new for me). He also didnt really ask me if i wanted to join the group now i found out about the girls. That upset me the most, it just felt like everyone had been invited apart from me.

[demolition_lover88]

I am working! Only til 5pm! So i can go out, i just said that at first because i wouldnt have wanted to go out if it was just him and his friend.

[shikashika]

Well, I'm sure there is no problem if you join them after work then? Would you be fine with that?

[15 Storeys High]

But you had already said you were busy hadn't you? He can't read your mind. Getting upset about not being invited when he was told you were busy is illogical.

 

What are you really upset about here?

[demolition_lover88]

i am fine with that, of course i'd be thrilled to go.

 

its just he hasnt actually asked me. i dont want to just invite myself.

[shikashika]

hmm.. I would ask him.. he is your boyfriend afterall! just say something like "I know I said I wouldn't be able to make it, but I'm only working until 5:00 and would like to meet up wiht you after that"

 

Or however you prefer to say it!

[demolition_lover88]

i am upset because he said it was just him and his friend going out! i am working until the evening, but i could easily come out afterwards. (he has never actually invited me, he just stated he was going out with a friend)

 

the only reason i said no is because i didnt want to go along with just him and his friend.

 

when i found out the girls were going its as if he deliberlatly didnt want me to find out. i just feel like i was the only person not invited.

[Hope75]

thanks for replying Hope75.

 

Im not really certain whether my boyfriend knew that these girls were coming along before i found out about it.

 

 

When i asked him about it, he almost brushed it off saying it was something he did every year (i wasnt with him last year, so its new for me). He also didnt really ask me if i wanted to join the group now i found out about the girls. That upset me the most, it just felt like everyone had been invited apart from me.

 

To be honest it just sounds like it was bad communication on both your parts. He may not have known these girls were going, you already told him you had to work and weren't interesting in going, if it were me I would not have thought of asking you after you said 'no thanks' simply because members of the opposite sex were going.

 

If you really want to go now just ask him if it would be alright if you come along. I don't see what is so wrong with that.

[15 Storeys High]

Did he actually say it was "just" him and his cousin? Or have you added that bit in?

 

You've just said that he's never invited you....so how is it that you said no then? You can't say no to something you weren't invited to can you? The fact that you declined to go means you were invited surely?

 

So do you know these other girls? Whats changed that you want to go now that they're going? He's still going to be with his cousin.

[Jess...]

He's still going to be with his cousin - it just so happens that now a couple of girls are also going. I'm sensing a bit of jealousy - and you said there isn't any reason not to trust him, so what is really the problem?

 

I agree with the other posters - just say "hey, I'll be able to make it now, if you want me to come" and take it from there.

[ftheunion]

What makes you think he hid it. I wouldn't mention it if other females were going along. Just because a guy goes in a group like that doesn't mean he is on the prowl for a fox.

 

He might not have known for sure, but in anycase, you wouldn't tell him if other guys were gonna be in your group if you weren't good aquantances. I think it is overreacting. But women are complicated.

[demolition_lover88]

thank you all for replying whilst i've been at work!

 

i just need to clear up a few things here. i guess i didnt word it all very well.

 

basically my boyfriend and i were chatting about plans for Christmas. my boyfriend asked me when i wanted to see him over the period and i said Christmas Day...after lunch with my family. My boyfriend said he couldnt see me Christmas Eve, because he was going out with his friend.He NEVER actually invited me in the first place. I just said 'its okay, i'm working late anyway'. I decided i didnt want to play gooseberry and go out with him and his friend. However it was a few weeks later i found out he was going with some girls aswell. One of the girls was his friends girlfriend. I got angry because he said he was just going out with his mate, and i got hurt that loads of people were going apart from me.

 

hope that makes it easier to understand.

[ghost69]

wait. he already asked if you could go right? you told him you couldn't. even if he didn't, he asked your plans and you told him. so he is going out with some friends and a cousin. there happens to be another girl. do you trust your bf? even if you don't trust the other girl, do you trust your bf? if so, push this down and outta your system. you will lose guys doing this otherwise.

[alcide]

There's nothing to get upset about besides you could just mentioned it to him, maybe he had a complete reason or thinking as of why he said nothing to you about it.

 

Maybe he wanted to let you have your own share of your fun and maybe didnt want you to come because of the respect he has for you and knowing what can be said when boys are out i bet its nothing reallly.

 

Who knows if you had ask him to come along he might said yes, but i throught you wouldnt want to come.

 

May be if you ask him to come and he said no then you would have the right to be upset. We ladies act to fast before thinking at times, one of my biggest problem.

[JadedStar]

I think it would be important to know if he knew that these girls were going at the time he said to you he couldn't see you on christmas eve. Since it was tradition for him to go out with his cousin, do you know if traditionally his cousin brought along his g/f? If so, then I think it a bit wrong of him to not have extended the invite instead of saying "i can't see you christmas eve as i am going out wtih my g/f".

 

So yes, if he knew that traditionally his cousin brings a g/f and he didn't invite you right off the bat I'd say you have reason to be hurting. If traditionally the cousin DOES NOT bring a g/f, and he did not know ahead of time that another girl would be there and that is why he didn't invite you that would be more understandable.

 

 

I'd try to find out if he knew ahead of time that the cousin's g/f were going. That answer would decide for me if i would continue to let this incident hurt me or not. If he didn't know i'd toss it out as superficial. If he did know and never even tried to invite me i'd be a very hurt considering this is a holiday event.

 

Truth is you never said you had to work late until AFTER he said he couldn't see you on christmas eve so no one can say "well you told him you were working late" as an excuse to support him on this.

 

Something else that is important is when you heard this news that the other girls were going, how did you react? Did you get upset and hurt with him right off the bat? Or did you calmly explain that you heard this and ask him if he knew ahead of tiem without being accusatory? If you were very emotional right off the bat then you have probably caused him to have his defenses come up and getting thru this without a fight is going to be tough. If he is upset with you because you jumped to some conclusions iwth him i can understand his frustration.

 

IF you found this out and nicely said since so and so's g/f is going mind if i go to, i'd love to go with you guys and he said "no" then he is looking like the bad guy here. If you flipped on him and got all emotional before knowing the facts then he is more in the right to be upset and you more the bad guy.

 

I think you both made some inferrences that you shouldn't have and if you had both been more clear about what you wanted this would have been avoided. But we as humans run into these situations sometimes and we just have to try very hard to keep communication here on out to try to get thru the difficulty.

 

Good luck and I hope you both still have a wonderful christmas.