So What Is More Approprioate?

[sandyv]

I don't wanna do the restraining order thing, I still have feelings for my ex, but I've also gotten to the point he is making me sick (emotionally)

 

How do you tell someone to go away in a nice way, only problem is, I have to mean it when I say it...

[avman]

You could just be direct with your ex and say "I'm sorry, but being around you is making me emotionally sick. I simply cannot be around you any longer. Please do not contact me at all for the sake of my health and out of respect for me."

 

Would he listen to that? Or do you think you need to threaten him?

[sandyv]

Oh Avman, I'm not the kind of girl to threaten anyone.... I don't know anymore what to do.... he is just so relentless....

[Wandering_Sword]

avman has it right, if he even cares for you one bit he should respect what you want. If he insists you can always get a very big stick or get a big dog

[Hope75]

I agree with Avman, you have to be direct. And then you have to follow through my not answering any calls, emails, texts, or attempts to contact you in any way.

 

No one can force you not to talk to him- so you have to really want these changes and make them stick. It's up to you.

[avman]

But does he know he's making you emotionally sick and that it has gone too far? If not, at least make him aware of this and see if he'll do the honorable thing.

 

If he does, great then the problem is solved.

 

If not, then you can go to plan B and threaten him with a harassment/stalking charge.

[Hope75]

Oh Avman, I'm not the kind of girl to threaten anyone.... I don't know anymore what to do.... he is just so relentless....

 

What Avman suggested is not a threat, Sandy. It's a direct statement that is honest and to the point.

 

It's exactly what you need to say to him if you want this to stop.

[sandyv]

Yes Avman, and Hope you are right, as I type I'm trying to understand what is wrong with me that I have a problem implementing these changes... I know I have too, things are becoming more complicated by the day lately.

 

Thank you both, so much....

[AutumnBorn]

What Hope said. Not a threat, a clear, strong statement.

[carriebradshawny]

When it gets to the point where you are at then now is the time to be firm. I would do as Avman suggested. If he doesn't respond to that -- then yes a restraining order may be the thing that makes him aware his actions are causing you pain. Nice and civil is how everyone would like it but sometimes nice has to take a back seat.

[anggrace]

Hi Sandy,

 

I agree with the others. First you have to really mean what you say to him and be willing to stick to it. I think you should tell him how all the drama has been making you feel ill. He really should respect your wishes if you clearly tell him to leave you alone. If he doesn't than you have to take it a step further. If that means restraining order, than so be it. Worrying about how bad it will make him feel is not enough reasons to not do what you might need to do for your OWN well-being. He is not worth you feeling so terribly all the time. No one is. Taking care of yourself is far more important than worrying about someone else who has been so negligent and careless with you. Sandy comes first.

[sandyv]

Hey thankx guys I know it isn't a threat, its a fact, I gotta get him outta my life, easier said than done, its only been two years and has been the reason I joined up here.

 

Thanks all, I appreciate everything to... if only I can get past him, I'll be jussssssssst fine, You all are the best, in case I forgot to say so!....

[Hope75]

Yes Avman, and Hope you are right, as I type I'm trying to understand what is wrong with me that I have a problem implementing these changes... I know I have too, things are becoming more complicated by the day lately.

 

Thank you both, so much....

 

Some people get addicted to the drama of an unhealthy relationship, and others have low self esteem and don't feel they deserve any better than the substandard treatment they are getting.

 

Sandy, have you considered some therapy to try and work through this repeated pattern you find yourself in?

[Daligal83]

Hey sandy, I don't know your story real well, but I had a thought. He's probably relentless because he knows it works. He knows that if he pushes hard enough, you will talk to him and see him. If you stick to it though and truly stop all contact, most likely he will back off and you won't even have to get to the point of a restraining order. I know it's easier said than done, but each time you are tempted, make a list of reasons why you should NOT be in contact with him to help you get through it.

[sandyv]

Hope, No never have had therapy, but about to seriously consider it...

 

Although its more his problem, I don't pursue the guy, he keeps showing up at my door. shouldn't he perhaps get some therapy?

[carriebradshawny]

Therapy would help you not get into these type relationships in the first place. You would be aware of the red flags. Therapy is not a bad thing and you might just find out why it is you have put up with this for the last two years.

[Hope75]

Hope, No never have had therapy, but about to seriously consider it...

 

Although its more his problem, I don't pursue the guy, he keeps showing up at my door. shouldn't he perhaps get some therapy?

 

It's your problem Sandy that you keep letting him back in despite his actions showing you he is not good relationship material.

 

When you perpetuate a vicious unhealthy cycle you have to look at yourself and see why that is- and I think therapy may help you with that.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi Sandy,

 

One thing about a restraining order, most judges won't issue one without an imminent threat or the police first being involved.

 

So, you must warn him that he is tresspassing...

 

If he continues, even once, YOU CALL THE POLICE...

 

They can't eat him, and he brought this on himself.

 

Then... if he continues to tresspass, then you get the restraining order.

 

Then, if he tresspasses or contacts at all, he is violating a court order.

 

And most judges are sticklers for that.

 

I have been through this with someone who was bothering me, so I know what I'm talking about.

 

Jeffr

[Hope75]

I think part of why he keeps coming around is because Sandy eventually gives in and takes him back. It's a very basic principle that even children get- the harder you push the more you will get your way, and it's worked for him so far.

 

I think if Sandy tells him no more will be tolorated and sticks to it he will eventually get the message after a few more attempts.

 

Unless he is threatening her or breaking her door down, or she feels unsafe I don't see a need to get the police involved- at least not yet.

[Jeffrey2095]

I think part of why he keeps coming around is because Sandy eventually gives in and takes him back. It's a very basic principle that even children get- the harder you push the more you will get your way, and it's worked for him so far.

 

I think if Sandy tells him no more will be tolorated and sticks to it he will eventually get the message after a few more attempts.

 

Unless he is threatening her or breaking her door down, or she feels unsafe I don't see a need to get the police involved- at least not yet.

 

It would be great if it were that simple for her Hope, but this guy is pretty persistent.

 

Sandy doesn't need someone wearing her down.

 

So what if the police are involved, he's not going to jail right off.

 

First she must tell him he is tresspassing and use those words.

 

Well, he will come back...

 

So, she calls the cops, and they explain the law and make sure he understands the consequences... He comes back, yes, he goes to jail... boo hoo.

 

Then she goes to the judge for the NC order.

 

You see, a judge want's to make sure that the person has exausted the resources available before they go to the next step.

 

Violating an NC order can get him a year.

 

Most people will "get the message" after the cops talk to them.

 

Jeffr

[Hope75]

I'm just saying I think that is a bit extreme. In order to get a restraining order Sandy has to be able to honestly say she feels threatened or unsafe when he comes around her.

 

The police have a very specific job to do, but if Sandy isn't doing her job (which is to tell this guy to get lost and stick to it) they aren't going to be able to enforce that.

 

After all, if she keeps letting him in when he persists, are we so sure she would call the police on him vs. let him in?

 

I don't think it's fair to involve the police simply because Sandy feels weak and lets him back in and lets him treat her like crap. She has to take action before the police should have to.

 

I think therapy for Sandy would be the first step, and far more important than getting the police involved. Because until she can say "Leave me be" and mean it and stick to it, no restraining order will be effective, since it's only as effective as the citizen who enforces it.

[Jeffrey2095]

I agree that it will do no good if she calls the cops and then lets him back in...

 

But, I am taking her at her word that she is at the end of her rope here.

 

It is just as safe to assume this is the last straw as it is to assume she will let him back in.

 

But... this is how the due process works... that was my main point.

 

People think they can just go see a judge and get a no contact order slapped on.

 

It takes more than that.

 

Jeffr

[Miss Firecracker]

Sandy,

 

I hope this guy finds someone else to torment soon. You have had enough of this. Aren't you already having to take something to help your nerves? I thought I remembered you saying you were prescribed something. How much more can you take of this? So sorry.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

you cant just kick people out of your life (i know this) you just have to say what you say and keep it moving. ignore him if you must

[Miss Firecracker]

you cant just kick people out of your life

 

I have to disagree with you this time, SBJ. Sometimes we have to in order to survive.