So What Is More Approprioate?

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

I have to disagree with you this time, SBJ. Sometimes we have to in order to survive.

 

when i say kick people out i mean as in

 

you cant always kick someone out and expect them to stay gone, some people are persistent and keep coming back

 

as far as throwing a person away and trying to move on hell im all for it

[Hope75]

I agree that it will do no good if she calls the cops and then lets him back in...

 

But, I am taking her at her word that she is at the end of her rope here.

 

It is just as safe to assume this is the last straw as it is to assume she will let him back in.

 

But... this is how the due process works... that was my main point.

 

People think they can just go see a judge and get a no contact order slapped on.

 

It takes more than that.

 

Jeffr

 

I think due process applies if the guy was beating Sandy up or threatening her, etc. But from what she's said all he's doing is calling and coming by asking for her back. He's certainly not an ideal boyfriend and plays with her heart and treats her poorly, but that's not a crime in the eyes of the law. It's something that Sandy needs to resolve, not something the police can solve for her.

 

As a victim of extreme domestic violence in the past and a supporter of a restraining order under the right circumstances I can certainly see when there is a need for such a thing there should be no hesitation in going that route.

 

But the police are not here to solve Sandy's relationship problem, only to keep and enforce her safety.

 

If this is something that can be solved by her simply and firmly telling him to get lost and then sticking to it, there's no need for police intervention. But since she has yet to do that, and in fact sends him the opposite message when she lets him back in time after time, how will we know until she tries?

[sandyv]

I have told him in no uncertain terms to get out of my life a few times now, and he did for 2 weeks or so, then he's back, and during that time, I've stopped being angry..... unfortunately, I guess I need to learn to stay angry, otherwise this will NEVER end.....

 

I guess I've hoped maybe he could see at one point, how much damage he was causing both of us, I'm finally realizing he just doesn't have a clue, although there are feelings involved on both sides.

 

This time its more obvious to me, still feel terribly depressed. Seeing him hasn't changed that this time. Before seeing him had the opposite effect, and the hope on my part now seems to have died a terrible death.... not the love stuff, but what the reality of what this sad situation is made of....

[Jeffrey2095]

That's tresspassing and that's enough.

 

Due process is to protect a person's rights, it can apply to almost anything you would see in court, even things like evictions.

 

The police would rather come out and talk before it gets violent.

 

(Standard op... public safety.))

 

If she tells him not to come around, and he does, she has every right to call the cops.

 

They will warn him first.

 

I had someone threaten me with a knife, push me down a flight of stairs, and the judge said it had not been recent enough.

 

Now, if the guy was coming to my place and I didn't want him I have every right to call the cops and should let them handle it.

 

Any cop would say the same thing. "Call us".

 

Jeffr

[Hope75]

I have told him in no uncertain terms to get out of my life a few times now, and he did for 2 weeks or so, then he's back, and during that time, I've stopped being angry..... unfortunately, I guess I need to learn to stay angry, otherwise this will NEVER end.....

 

I guess I've hoped maybe he could see at one point, how much damage he was causing both of us, I'm finally realizing he just doesn't have a clue, although there are feelings involved on both sides.

 

This time its more obvious to me, still feel terribly depressed. Seeing him hasn't changed that this time. Before seeing him had the opposite effect, and the hope on my part now seems to have died a terrible death.... not the love stuff, but what the reality of what this sad situation is made of....

 

Sandy,

 

Telling him is a start, but in the past you have shown him with your actions that your words don't stick, so can you really blame him for being persistent? He knows that if he tries hard enough, you'll always take him back.

 

That certainly does not excuse of justify his rotten behavior, and he does sound like a creep.

 

But you have to say those words and then make them stick- as in follow up on them with actions that are consistant, as in, not answering the door if he knocks, not answering your phone if he rings, not responding to letters, texts, emails, notes on your car, nothing.

 

To do this you don't need to stay angry- that's a waste of time and energy. You just have to stay convicted, and firm.

 

If you stop feeding them, strays eventually go away.

 

Does what I am saying make sense?

[Hope75]

That's tresspassing and that's enough.

 

 

Calling someone, or knocking on their door, is not against the law. Sandy has the choice not to answer.

 

If we are talking about stalking- as in, non-stop months of this behavior, threats for her safety, etc, that may be a different story.

 

The bottom line, as Sandy admits to, is that she always lets him back in. SHe sends him the message that it's acceptable to keep coming back with her behavior and actions, ultimately, taking him back and giving him what he wants.

[Jeffrey2095]

Calling someone, or knocking on their door, is not against the law. Sandy has the choice not to answer.

 

If we are talking about stalking- as in, non-stop months of this behavior, threats for her safety, etc, that may be a different story.

 

The bottom line, as Sandy admits to, is that she always lets him back in. SHe sends him the message that it's acceptable to keep coming back with her behavior and actions, ultimately, taking him back and giving him what he wants.

 

It is if they have been told not to.

 

What, can the guy pitch a tent at her doorstep, and I guess she just has to live with it?

 

There is call blocking, but having someone come to your door is trespassing.

 

Ultimately she will do as she wants.

 

This advice of mine is for someone who is at the point they want to get rid of someone..

 

I am not going to guess as to wether she is serious this time, I'm going to assume she is.

 

No, there are laws for this...

 

Have been forever.

 

Cops deal with this all the time, it's their job, it's not going to put them out.

 

I am making the simple point, that if she wants him to go away and he won't...

 

She can call the cops.

 

Jeff

[Hope75]

It is if they have been told not to.

 

What, can the guy pitch a tent at her doorstep, and I guess she just has to live with it?

 

There is call blocking, but having someone come to your door is trespassing.

 

Ultimately she will do as she wants.

 

This advice of mine is for someone who is at the point they want to get rid of someone..

 

I am not going to guess as to wether she is serious this time, I'm going to assume she is.

 

No, there are laws for this...

 

Have been forever.

 

Cops deal with this all the time, it's their job, it's not going to put them out.

 

I am making the simple point, that if she wants him to go away and he won't...

 

She can call the cops.

 

Jeff

 

 

Sometimes she tells him not to, and others she lets him in. That will certainly come up if she were to file for a restraining order.

 

I guess you and I will just have to agree to disagree, Jeff.

[SoSo]

Sandy,

 

What you have described is stalking. My stalker did the exact same thing to me. It is easier to let them in when they are banging on the door in the middle of the night or to answer the phone after they've called 30 times in 2 hours and have filled up your voicemail.

 

I want you to know that I've been there. It is hard. I downplayed the situation to my family and friends and kept taking him back because it was the easier thing to do. People will say 'but you took him back.' They don't understand.

 

It took me a little while but if someone is making you emotionally ill, you *have* to get away from then. Seek counseling if you can.

 

I don't know what area you live in, but in my area the local law enforcement are knowledgeable in these situations and know that it emotionally takes a toll on their victim and will understand why you kept taking him back. It is NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

Visit link removed for more information. Or PM me if you wish.

[ycmanvs]

Be strong. Ignore his calls. If he comes over, do not answer the door. Sooner or later, he will stop. If he does not stop, then it is ok to call the police because he is harassing you.

The point is to be strong and not give in to letting him back into your life. You should get therapy so that you can stay strong.

[Jeffrey2095]

Sometimes she tells him not to, and others she lets him in. That will certainly come up if she were to file for a restraining order.

 

I guess you and I will just have to agree to disagree, Jeff.

 

It's all good Hope.

 

Jeffr