Oh bother.

[click-click-boom]

It seems as if life is no longer worth living. I hate sounding emo-depressive, but that is how I feel. Growing up I never imagined I would ever be where I am now. I always thought I had a relatively good life. I guess I do, really. I suppose my angst and emo-depressive thoughts stem from my broken heart...

 

I coach the debate team at my old high school. My ex-girlfriend is on the team, which means I have to see her twice a week from now until February (the competition). It's a pain just to have to see her and attempt to be civil (she cheated on my twice and then had the audacity to break up with me because it apparently was my fault), but now I have to watch as she canoodles (Google it) with some other guy during practice. The teacher-coach has had to separate them during practice, but only when he catches them. When I try to separate them the teacher-coach gets mad at me and tells me to leave my personal problems at home. What a crock!

 

That's just one of many problems. My latest broken heart lies with a girl named Laura. I met her at university and her and I have grown very close over the past semester. I have admitted my feelings to her and she has told me that she does feel the same, but there is a catch: she is engaged (and I use the term lightly) to someone three years older than her. He thinks they are destined to live their lives together, but she has serious doubts. We've stayed up countless nights (and by countless I mean a weeks worth) discussing why she is still with him and how badly she wants to leave him. But when it comes down to the task at hand she seems to freeze and immediately go into the "I must stay with him because he loves me" mode. It's upsetting for me, but I can only imagine how hard it is for her. I have tried to just not think about it so much but it bugs me to the point where I can't sleep. It's quite pathetic.

 

These problems only scratch the surface. I could go into detail but I don't want to sound like a Hollywood sob story. I suppose since I'm here and I'm trying to ask for help I should fill you in.

 

My mother (whom I rarely see) was recently diagnosed with cancer. As devastating as the news was, it didn't affect me as strongly as it did my little brother. A few nights after the news my little brother (whom I also rarely see) attempted suicide. In the same week, little sister #1 was in a car accident and hospitalized and little sister #2 (whom I love with all my heart and soul) moved to Washingston state. My family seems to be ripped apart my tragedy.

 

Now I know what you are thinking: "How could so much bad happen to one person?" Trust me, I ask myself the same question every night. However, the story does not end there.

 

About the same time as all of this, my father saw it fit to kick me out of his house. This left me with no place to sleep (save for my car) and really put me out (literally). It was Laura who allowed me to stay at her dorm room even though she herself was going through difficult times (personal and financial). Cue the trouble with Laura and my broken heart and all the rest of the bad things that happened. As you can imagine, I did not stay at Laura's for very long. I soon found it quite comfortable to sleep in my car parked outside of my father's house.

 

Not long after all of this I lost my job. This meant no gas to get to class and no money for food. That translated to me missing a lot of class and my grades dropping. I only wish that my lack of food for the two weeks led to a loss of weight.

 

You see, not very many things like to go my way in life. Most things work against me. I don't know if this is the Invisible Man In The Sky's way of testing me, but I'm obviously failing miserably.

 

This has led me to the decision to give up on life. Not necessarily dying, but just giving up. Not going to class, not going to work. Doing whatever I can to eat. Who knows? Maybe I'll set off on an adventure to Alaska where I can starve to death (cue Into The Wild reference). At least that way I can be remembered for doing something with my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess what I am trying to say is...

 

HELP.

[doyathink]

Love your username...love the song!

 

Answer me this. Where exactly would you like to see yourself? Honestly. What would you like to see happen in your life.....right now?

I know tragedy's like this happen...I had one comparable to your story happen to me this summer. It was only a turning point in my life tho...ya see.

After what I thought was hell knocking on my door wanting me to enter....I hit my knees and gave up.

Soon to follow was the most incredible chain of events.

Just about the time we give up... is when we can see the light of day...

you know, it can't rain all the time.

[click-click-boom]

I like the rain. I see your point though. I guess it's just hard sometimes, especially when you don't really have much support. Sure I have one or two close friends, but even they don't seem to be much help. I guess that's why eNotAlone exists.

 

I just wish I was strong enough to get through things on my own and not sit here and think of all the ways to kill myself. It's very depressing, if you want to know the truth.

 

And to answer your question: I really do not know where I would like to see myself. I guess the best answer I have is I want to see myself somewhere safe from tragedy, but seeing as how this isn't a Shakespeare comedy I won't worry about avoiding tragedy. It'll find me somehow despite my best efforts. I'll just try to be more like Benvolio.

 

P.S. There was a Catcher In The Rye reference and a Shakespeare reference that you may not have understood completely. This is because I am an English major.

[doyathink]

Well, don't mind my poor English then please. lol

You have just as much potential as any human does.

I truly do feel for you. I can't imagine going through so much and not being able to see I really do matter....I really do have potential.

 

It's takes a lot of courage to kill yourself, most ppl say the opposite. But when faced with that reality....it takes more willpower then I could ever muster.

 

You're going through a very rough time, I'll give you that.

Sleeping in your car! Thats harsh.

Can you do this...start focusing on where you want to be and what you would like to see happen...instead of killing yourself?

[ButterflyWrists]

Isn't there some kind of help you can get from the government? I don't know where you live, so I don't know the laws and such. But try and find some kind of shelter, and they can help you start getting back on track.

 

Talk to us more in depth, and we shall help.

 

Sleeping in a car is harsh, but at least you have somewhere to sleep.

 

For the time being, I'd say it's best to ignor relationship posibilities for the time being, and work on getting yourself somewhere safe to live.

[15 Storeys High]

Your ex is your ex because she's a horrible person and obviously doesn;t deserve you so you are clearly better off without her. If she wants to cannodle with some bloke in front of you laugh at her, find it funny that she feels the need to try and get to you in some way still.

 

This Laura girl, although she's probably very nice, is stringing you along as an ego boost. She won't break off her engagement because she has his attention and yours all at the same time. She doesn't feel the same as you do, otherwise she would be making more of an effort. Be friends with her sure, but keep your distance for the timebeing.

 

It seems your mum's cancer diagnosis has been some kind of catalyst for the rest of the bad stuff thats happened to you. Perhaps because its your mum and mums are generaly the lynchpins of most families. The shock and the realisation of that has hit your family hard and thats okay as long as they all start to deal with it. You've all got to keep positive. There's a huge success rate in fighting cancer so you should focus on that.

 

Your brother attempting suicide, well, I don't know about you but I'd be a little pissed off with him about that. What were his reasons? He's obviously hurting but if he did it just because of the news about your mum.....well, thats just wrong. If he has other issues then perhaps he can get the help he requires.

 

Your sister being in a car accident is one of those unfortunate things that sometimes happens. Accidents don't wait for people, they don't get planned, they just happened. She'll recover and she'll move on.

 

Your sister moving away. It's hard when people leave but she's still your sister and you just both have to make the effort to remain in contact.

 

Now, onto you...Why did your father kick out? Can you talk to him about it? If you really can't then you're at Uni right? Why can't you look into getting a dorm room? Bad idea sharing with Laura, glad you've worked that one out. Sleeping in your car is rough so that's your main priority, getting somewhere better. So you lost your job....bad time for it to happen but these things happen. Get out there and start looking for a new one. They're not going to come to you.

 

It's very easy to sit about and wallow in your misery and self pity when it seems like the whole world is against you and all these bad things happen in a short space of time. It's easy to do all that. I know all about it. But there comes a time when you have to take yourself by the balls and start to unravel the problems you're facing. What is killing yourself going to mean? To your family? Your mum, who may be about to fight for her own life? Your brother, who attempted already and is vunerable? Your sister, who already saw her life flash before her eyes and possibly had to fight for it? Your other sister, who has moved away and can't be as here for you as before? What is killing yourself going to bring to you, your family and the world? Nothing.

 

You're obviously pretty intelligent, family minded and all that and right now, you're depressed (understandably) and miserable. But don't wallow in it. Climb out of it.

[click-click-boom]

Why did your father kick out? Can you talk to him about it? If you really can't then you're at Uni right? Why can't you look into getting a dorm room?

 

My father kicked me out because in his mind I am a failure and failures don't deserve a roof over their head. I try to show him my accomplishments (A's on papers and such) but he ignores all of that and continues to stress the bad grades I get and how hard I have to struggle to pass certain classes. In addition to that, he thinks that 18 is the age where I need to start becoming independent and fending for myself. I don't quite understand him there. Kicking someone out is a fine way to show that you might be clinically insane, but of course I will not tell him that. And I'm looking for a dorm room, but that kind of thing takes money. I have an appointment to see the V.P. on campus to explain to her the situation. I guess I should say "wish me luck", but I haven't exactly been running into a lot of that lately.

 

I suppose killing myself would do no good, but if it's such a bad thing then why does my mind want to focus on that and only that? It bothers me that that is all I can think about.

 

I'd like to state that for the record if my life were a screenplay (movie script) it would totally be a comedy. In a tragedy, bad things happen to the protagonist. But in a comedy, bad things happen to everybody else around the protagonist. I guess that's what makes it funny.

 

Oh bother.

 

I'm trying to look for the words to go into this more in-depth. Right now I'm late for class today. I have enough gas to get me there. As for getting back, we'll just have to wing it.

 

And I think if you all don't mind, I'd like to try and keep posting in this thread as like a journal of sorts, at least until I get past all of this (if that time comes).

 

Thank you all for the support. It's good to know that there is someone out there who cares, even if it's a complete stranger.

 

P.S. I have a question for you all: why do bad things happen to good people, and vice versa?

[doyathink]

I have a question for you all: why do bad things happen to good people, and vice versa?

 

Why? well, think about it. If we went through our entire life with everything being so easy....would we ever grow? Would we know how to be strong people? Would we know how to be good people?

And...most of all, would we know how to appreciate the good times, and the good things that happen in life?

I know it's hard to see the forest through the trees right now, but understand...this is only temporary. Everything changes.Things get better just as they've gotten worse for you right now.

You're going to wake up someday soon and see...that for all your efforts, life is cherry. Have more faith in yourself that you can...and will...control your future.

[15 Storeys High]

Do you think you're a failure? There comes a time when we need to do things for ourselves, not our parents. As long as you're doing your best according to your own rules then it's okay. There's only so much pressure one can take from their parents. Is your dad quite controlling? Seems like he is. He also seems pretty negative, what with focusing on your lesser marks instead of your better ones.

 

It's good you have an appointment to explain your situation to the university. I'm sure they'll be able to help you or at least point you in the right direction.

 

Your mind wants to focus on killing yourself because it's easy to think about. It's easy to wonder and think miserable thoughts. Easier then trying to think positively and getting out of your hole.

 

Why do bad things happen to good people?

So there's this guy right. He's one of the best writers in the world, maybe even better than Shakespeare.....He gets to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered. All those bad years and bad events he went through......Those were the best years of his life.....Because they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know.....total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, throughout all this, although it doesn't seem like it, you're growing as a person and it's shaping you into someone who could quite possibly be brilliant one day.

 

People assume that the universe is logical and orderly. People believe in a universe that "makes sense." When some sort of tragedy happens, people look for some explanation and believe there's a cause for things happening in the universe. When sometimes.....maybe there just isn't.

[click-click-boom]

I guess if I had to answer the question of being a failure I'd say I was. But that's mostly because of the situation that I am currrently stuck in. I wish things would just start to get better.

 

I found myself driving along the coast on PCH yesterday. It was quote beautiful. I was listening to The Spill Canvas and found that it was quite depressing. I guess that's my life in a nutshell though.

 

I think I found a way to describe exactly how I feel right now. I feel like I am standing in a pitch black room holding a flashlight with no batteries. There's hope (the flashlight) but it's empty hope (no batteries).

[Spugly Fuglet]

"worth" that word again I see it so often here

 

worth is such an odd thing, I mean think about it for a moment, if I go to a shop and see a nice car, I look for the sign that says how much it is, then I think how much can I get off. See thows who made the car set its worth in cash, when we thing of things we thing of worth as cost. But now me I'm thinking road trips, getting around, how nice the radio is, will it work, now to me that is its worth, not cost but action.

 

But a life that's not so simple, I mean you don't have a price tag on you do you, see who sets your worth, thows around you, well in a way yes but what they really value is your lives overlaping theres, so where's is your lifes "worth", it must come from you, just like the car its what you can do with a life, the actions you can make, I mean the worlds a big place, theres lots to see and do until your miles have run out. Its just out there, why not take your life for a spin 1st befor handing in the keys.

 

worth comes from doing, not thinking, each day do some thing you like, a small joy that adds worth. over time this stuff adds up, I know.

 

play with life, have fun with it,

ever day wake up and say what shall I do today I have never done befor.

 

worth its such an odd thing,

 

we find it when we stop thinking and start doing.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi CC boom,

 

Here is a thread about a guy who had no reason to hope...

 

Yet, he is GLAD he went through this turmoil, loneliness and broken heart.

 

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

 

PM anytime if you want to chat!

 

Jeffr

[Sirus99]

Hi, CC Boom.

 

Do not dispair, life had the knack to make you feel really low and misserable. I have my own story here too unfortunately.

 

It is when we act that life gets better you find other avenues and ways to move forward. Always move forwards.

 

Find your path and follow it day by day make your path move towards a better you. Then once you find it enjoy it. You will know when you are calm and at peace with your self. I have not been there yet, I am going to do it some day. Finding this website meant a lot to me. Push forwards and move along the right path.

 

I hope all goes well. I will be here for you when you need me.

 

From David