the new life of bobsiesprincess

[RedBranchKnight]

Hey BP!!! Long time no speak

 

Ive just read over the last few posts in your journal and I couldnt be happier for you! I really envy you for being so strong and determined. You had alot of damn hard times and stress and periods of time that seemed so daunting but you came through it and youre getting ready to make 2009 and year you continue to improve upon, rathe than living in the past! Ill be reading your journal with great interest.

 

Any other craic with yourself?

[bobsiesprincess]

Hey BP!!! Long time no speak

 

Ive just read over the last few posts in your journal and I couldnt be happier for you! I really envy you for being so strong and determined. You had alot of damn hard times and stress and periods of time that seemed so daunting but you came through it and youre getting ready to make 2009 and year you continue to improve upon, rathe than living in the past! Ill be reading your journal with great interest.

 

Any other craic with yourself?

 

 

cheers RBK, good to hear, specially on a day like today when i feel like giving up. i just need to remember i can do this.

[bobsiesprincess]

the past week at uni has been one of the most stressful of my life. all my assignments i have to do myself, im fine. im well prepared, relaxed, know i can do it. the group assignments are an absolute disaster.

 

our firm had a really important negotiation on friday. now trying to get my lazy ass firm to meet and do some work was a huge task in itself. when it was finally arranged one was an hour late, one was two ours late one was three ours late and the other didnt come. on the day two of the turned up admitting they had done no preparation. i mean wheres the firm spirit? theyre non preparation fails me. i cant carry them all through the diploma. who the * * * * pays for a course to do no work.

 

im trying my hardest, absolute hardest to be strong. but every single day ive been crying. im so stressed. and just so emotional. like i really dont know whats wrong. im worried. i seem to have no control over it.

 

in brighter news, i had a criminal advocacy assessment. my tutor asked me if id ever consideres doing it for a career, i said well yeh... she said youve definetly got it. you sound like a defence solicitor now. not all lawyers can talk but you certainly can. to think you can stand up and do that like that after 10 weeks is amazing. go for it... it gave me the confidence boost i needed i think.

 

yesterday spent 8 and a half hours gutting boytoys room. i wish we'd took before and after photos...the difference was phenomenal. we got rid of 6 bing bags full of stuff from the room. cleaned it. rearranges all the furniture and organised everything that was going back in. we were sooo proud when it was finished.

[bobsiesprincess]

i had a terrible sleep last night. then woke up crying hysterically. i really dont feel like i can face this week.

[bobsiesprincess]

ive never gone into 2 much detail on here about my firm, but all you need to know is theyve made my life hell since october. they make everything difficult.

 

this has been by far been the worst week at uni ive ever had (and its only Tuesday) in my whole 4 and a half years. we have an important tax assessment.....a presentation and a written answer. its basically the final exam. we are marked as a firm, not individually. but theres no team spirit or consideration of others in my firm.

 

Everyone in the firm was supposed to have their tax written answers done by Friday night, so we had the weekend to look over each others and make changes etc. Only L and I sent completed answers.

 

Yesterday, L and I had a long talk about the lack of work and committment thats been going on in the firm (with regard to N and A at the negotiation, and the tax answers not being done) and decided we had to get it sorted. So we asked everyone to stay behind after a class we had on monday. N couldnt stay and A didnt bother turning up so that couldnt happen.

 

This morning I came in, only L was there, everyone else was like an hour late as usual. S hadnt finished her question, neither had A and N hadnt even started it. So, the morning was supposed to be for gettin the written answers together and the afternoon for writing the presentation. But we couldnt do this. I was sitting with nothing to do waiting on them to do work they were supposed to have done for the previous Friday. I tried to start the presentation but couldnt as it was based on S answer. Half the time N and A were on random websites and not doing the work. I got REALLY stressed out and upset, so since i had nothing to do decided to go out and get fresh air for half an hour before the class.

 

After class was still a complete shambles, N and A still finishing answers while S, L and I started the presentation. L, as she quite often does, took something I said completely the wrong way and went nuts. She was shouting at me in the computer lab in front of everyone and stormed out. I started crying because I was humiliated, shocked and felt like this was completely uncalled for. S made us get together in a room and talk about it. L basically completely assassinated my personality, but the funny thing about it was everything she said about me, Ive noticed in her. Basically there is various things ive said that shes taken the wrong way. I think shes on the defensive about being off. I said this to her and she said im probably right, cos she feels guilty but at the end of the day none of us care she was off, thats life and we all know she woulndt be off if she didnt have to be. I tried to explain things to her but she kept cutting me off and wouldnt let me have my say. In the end she apologised and admitted she snapped at the wrong person and went about things the wrong way, and that shes stressed because of the rest of the firm stuff. I tried to show her that when shes pissed off she creates an atmoshpere amongst the firm, as thats i guess what she thinks i do. Im sooo hurt because like I explained to Lindsay I thought we had alot in common and an understanding of each other. I also feel like there been lots of problems in our firm, but L and I have never had issues with each other...we were the only thing holding us all together at times. Now I feel like i have no friends in the firm. Although the air was cleared by the end, i cant forget what happened and will never think on L as the same. It seems as though the stress has been building about other people, but in the end i got the brunt of it and made into the bad guy for no reason.

 

I think its absolutely ridiculous that A and N can get away with doing nothing. Something needs to be done and fast. They are letting everyone down. I physically cant do all the work and Im getting into debt to do this course. Im not prepared to fail because of lazy, difficult boys. At the end of the day, this isnt like it is in the real world. If people did no work, were consistently late and missing meetings they would be fired. So how do they get away with it here? Im at the stage that I cant see this firm working at all anymore. Ive given it a whole semester...my best shot. But i really cant anymore.

 

I was in such a state tonight when boytoy picked me up he didnt want to leave me. I was absolutely hysterical. i just want to give up.

[bobsiesprincess]

oh i forgot to mention that k and his new gf split up. tbh im kinda indifferent.

[bobsiesprincess]

im a bridesmaid! aaaaaaa! im so excited!

[bobsiesprincess]

So my healthy living/new me regime started on 5th January. I've been eating healthier and exercising more. But I'm not doing anything drastic or excessive - only things I can keep up for life. I'm also not depriving myself. Everything in moderation. Ive allowed myself treats and to live a normal life. Generally ive been having breakfast (cereal or porridge), mid morning snack (fruit or a smoothie), lunch...sarnie and a yoghurt maybe, afternoon snack (something with protein.. maybe oatcakes and sugar free peanut butter, or rice cakes and a small handful of unsalted nuts) and a balanced dinner (half veg, quarter carbs, quarter protein). Ive been going for wholegrain options with bread rice and pasta and trying to have my 5 a day and as much water as possible. Some days i will also have a small chocolate bar. On top of this ive had treats...nachos and ice cream at the cinema, a few glasses of wine or vodka, chocolate, meals out, sugar free fizzy juice, a few forkfuls of peoples takeaways. By being good 90% of the time and using the Wii fit and exercise dvd a few times per week ive lots 11lbs in less that a month! I cannot believe it. Im soooo proud of myself. Im determined this time, it just feels different. Its sustainable. I dont feel deprived. Im in the right mindset about the whole thing. I know these changes are for life now. Its gonna be a long journey...ive set myself a year to get into proper shape, it may even take a year and a half. But im on the way now..its happening! It just proves to me all these faddy diets are stupid, you can never keep them up and when you eat normally the weight goes back on...im doing it the good old fashioned way. my bodys feeling so much better already...you put good in you get good out!

 

in other news, i went to see Glasvegas the other night. it was part of boytoys christmas. its was such a good gig. obviously they are a scottish band and the atmosphere was just immense. i recommend everyone go listen to their stuff!

 

im stressing over an essay just now. ive just come to a complete halt. hit a brick wall and i dont have a clue. ive asked friends, looked in textbooks, looked online and the answers just arent becoming any more apparent. im really worried. i go on holiday the day of the resit for this subject, so i just cant fail. its alot of pressure.

 

k and the gf back on i think. on bebo the other day i saw he uploaded pictures of a trip they took to london together. it was really weird cos they done all the same stuff that we did together. felt kinda strange.

 

boytoy came to my house tonight and cooked dinner for my mum and dad and then just sat and chatted away to them. it was amazing. i mean what bf does that??? hes actually the best ever.

[bobsiesprincess]

i had a bad day on saturday food wise.... slipped up and had some takeaway (i did pick a healthier option but couldnt resist some of my bfs, and mums and dads unhealthier options) and some chocolate. as a result of this i was waaay 2 scared 2 get on the scales on sunday. so i waited a week and a half. still expecting to have put on some weight, i found that ive lost another 4lbs! it worried me a bit that my view/judgement is so distorted. Ive lost over a stone and i feel bigger than when i started.

 

my dad said to me, when you lose 16lbs i will buy you the dancemat thing for the wii you want. i dont think he expected it to be so soon though! the reviews of it are all great...theres a workout mode on it which im excited for. however, its currently £74 on amazon. i managed to find one on this obscure website for like £37 including delivery. how good is that??? im good at finding the online bargains that are out there to be had.

 

boytoys birthdays is in april, a week before we go away. hes been going on about these oakley sunglasses for months and months. i was initially opposed to them as they are expensive (over £100) and i always always break sunglasses. buuttt, its what he wants. so i found them on sale for £65, and got a nice oakley case and cleaning kit as well on sale. im so excited for holiday now! and he LOVES these glasses hes gonna be so chuffed.

 

Ive got LOADS coming up to be excited for.

-> valentines day (just a quiet night in the two of us. im cooking wholemeal spagetti and his favourite desert toffee pavlova. ive got him a big huge heart shaped millies cookie cos he loves their white chocolate ones. n we will probably get a dvd in or something)

-> hotel night. we got a bargain £9 room promo, so we are going out for a meal and drinks and having a nice night together.

-> wedding fair, dress shopping, engagement party and lotsa bridsemaid duties! i love all that kinda stuff

-> snow patrol concert

->rob brydon gig (i love welsh accents and i love comedians, perfect!)

->uni finishing! yaaay!

-> cirque du soleil with my parents and boytoy. they went to see Love in Vegas and thought it was amazing, so im looking forward to this.

-> HOLIDAAAAYYY. 1 week of relaxation and quality time with my boy.

 

all in all, not a bad next few months!

[bobsiesprincess]

i feel like such an idiot.

[GetMeBack]

Why do you feel like such an idiot? x

[RedBranchKnight]

Hey BP!

 

Congrats on the great training progress. Thats great work, keep at it, youll keep on improving and getting better and better! And dont worry about the cheat meal you had, its actually good for training to have a 'bad' meal every so often because it actually helps, seriously!

 

Keep up the good work, keep staying positive and havin a good outlook. You sound like youve lots of great things lined up anyway. Let us know how you get on

[bobsiesprincess]

yeh, ive came to the conclusion that if im not bad every once in a while il go insane!! plus i said i want to make this sustainable so if i dont eat anything bad ever i wont be able to stick to it!

[bobsiesprincess]

last nite i got a missed call from K. I was sooo shocked when I saw it. He hasnt gone out of his way to contact me since we broke up. He was the one who wanted to be friends, yet never made any effort whatsoever. I was the only one who tried. It actually made me angry seeing the call. My immediate thought was he probably called me by mistake, cos his most recent ex and I names start with the same letter. anyway, i never called back.

 

so anway, valentines day has been and gone. was kind of a disappointment. like its not a big deal to me, but it was our first so i was secretly lookin 4ward 2 it. but we did ALOT of arguing throughout the day...duno what was going on with us. but neway, i spent lots of time and effort making boytoy dinner, and his favourite dessert. he LOVED it. so it was totally worth it.

 

the Crown Office and Procurator Fiscal Service has advertised for their 2010 trainees. I REALLY REALLY want it, sooo badly. My criminal tutor told me Id be brilliant at it, so i just pray they give me a chance. I really need this.

 

theres this woman in my mums work, who is notorious for being a gossip. like she says things that arent true. and my mum has had it out with her before because she talked crap about her. shes what you call a stirrer. so anyway, the other day she worked out that she knows boytoy and his family. all my mum said about it was "yeh hes really nice we really like him". now obviously through working with my mum she knows how upset i was when me and K broke up. so yesterday she met boytoys mum in the town and was like "yeh I work with bobsiesprincess mum, shes (me) madly in love with boytoy" Im absolutely LIVID. Im completely embarrassed because she said that to his mum. My mum has never said anything along those lines to her. I mean who the feck is she to say that?? shes never met me! and the way i construe it is that shes making out to his mum that im some kind of psycho obsessive girlfriend cos of the whole K thing. I better never ever meet this * * * * * . she should keep her nose out of things that have absolutely nothing to do with her. im RAGIN.

[butterflyx0]

So I haven't been on here in a VERY long time and I saw your name and I remembered that you were going through a similar situation as I was. I hope that all is well with you and that you have healed from the pain that you went through! Good luck!

[bobsiesprincess]

So I haven't been on here in a VERY long time and I saw your name and I remembered that you were going through a similar situation as I was. I hope that all is well with you and that you have healed from the pain that you went through! Good luck!

 

i have healed yes... i remember speaking to you in those hard times! how is everything with you??

[bobsiesprincess]

im afraid ive lost the plot a bit with sweet treats over the valentines weekend. i need help getting back.

[bobsiesprincess]

so recently ive been putting alot of pressure on myself with regards to my firm, uni work, diet, exercise, job hunting, money, trying to see people more.... and tonight i just cracked. over something minor. i just started crying hysterically. ive not cried like that in a LONG time. but i feel better for it.

[bobsiesprincess]

im so frustrated. ive worked out 6 times since i last weighed myself, like proper full on workout. and yes, admittedly i had more sweet treats that i usually do, but ive by no means gone crazy with them. and ive put on a little weight. not even a pound. but still a little. it makes me feel like giving up. ive been trying sooo hard.

[stranded247]

im so frustrated. ive worked out 6 times since i last weighed myself, like proper full on workout. and yes, admittedly i had more sweet treats that i usually do, but ive by no means gone crazy with them. and ive put on a little weight. not even a pound. but still a little. it makes me feel like giving up. ive been trying sooo hard.

 

Seriously this is nothing to worry about, it sounds like you're gaining muscle and not only that but the bodies weight fluctuates a lot due to water weight, you may have retained some due to eating sugary foods. But don't worry about it! I'm sure you'll find that next time you step on the scales you'll be lighter. Honestly I wouldn't go by the scales that much, go by how you fit your clothes, what people tell you, measurements and how you feel and look. The scale is JUST a number-nothing more. Don't give up, keep going you're doing so well!!!

[bobsiesprincess]

im so confused about things. about my relationship. sometimes i dont even know if want to be in a relationship. i feel myself getting into a rut again. but i love him, i do. lifes just a confusing thing.

 

ive had a couple of really good girly nights recently. maybe i just need more of those. hard when i have no money though.

 

im ready to spread my wings. i want a fresh start. I never got that traineeship I wanted. I was looking forward to moving to Edinburgh completely on my own. i know it would be lonely, and hard, leaving all my friends, family and boyfriend. But Im ready for it. Its an adventure. Ive found another traineeship in Edinburgh that I want more than the previous one. Its absolutely perfect for me. But i know how competitive things are with the state of the market - they have the pick of the absolute best.

 

im just sooo frustrated. i know im amazing at advocacy. its the only thing i feel like im good at naturally. im passionate about it. but i just cant get a chance to prove myself.

 

my criminal tutor has been amazing. shes the one who gave me the confidence to go for my dreams and has been helping me out lots and given lots of advice. if she had a firm i know shed take me. but she hasnt. for the first time in my life i feel like i know exactly what i want to do in life, what my long term goals are and where im going. but in this economic climate it feels impossible.

 

*sigh*

 

weightloss etc still going good. but its a slow process. im impatient. i want it now.

 

and its exam time. so naturally im on a downer. i HATE studying. especially accounts - its sooo boring. i want to be a lawyer i dont even know why i have to do accounts.

 

i just dont know what to do with myself right now. im not actually well which isnt helping matters. not been able to work out for a couple of days. making it harder to study.

 

all i know is i need to get myself out of this slump and fast.

[bobsiesprincess]

i can never be bothered writing in this anymore, but i think im gonna try. its therapeutic.

 

so exams and everything are over. in fact, uni has been done for over a month. ive writted speculatively to over 60 law firms, and applied for a good few vacancies and nothing. i get various rejection letters every day. the world is just in a bad place - and its a terrible time to be looking to start a career. its hard not to get disheartened - i mean 5 years at uni and im worried its going to be wasted. im trying my best to stay upbeat.

 

apart from being skint - im bored out of my mind being unemployed. i mean seriously. its a viscious circle - no money cant go out much, cant go out much get boreder. i just pray this all ends soon and i get a traineeship.

 

went on holiday with boytoy. i was still feeling weird and smothered. i ended up having a huuuge chat/cry with him about how ive been feeling and it seems to have helped. holiday was good...so nice to get away and forget everything for a week.

 

as for the weightloss - seems to be the only thing going positively. i kind of hit a plateu for a while which was frustrating but im on the move. have lost 2 stone 4 lbs now. im enjoying working out and eating well. although im allowing myself treats as i want this to be maintainable. my skins better and i feel much better inside - if i eat a bit of crap my body feels horrible now. i dont seem to be letting myself enjoy my achievement mentally though - i still think im ugly and fat. i dont know what on earth happened to my self esteem but i need it back.

 

im going out for dinner with the uni girls tonight and im having that horrible time were i have "nothing to wear" ive tried on loads of things and hate myself in everything. it doesnt help that all my friends look like supermodels to me, i cant help but compare myself.

 

i really want to just lie in bed all day alone but i know that wont solve any of my problems.

 

i hate this - i hate punishing myself every day. i hate feeling like this.

[bobsiesprincess]

i had a good weekend - the sunshine really lifted my spirits. i wish it was sunny all the time..life would be easier! i remember at camp noticing how whenever the weather was rubbish, the staff morale was low, but when the sun came out everyone was happy again - strange!

 

im now at 2 and a half stone weightloss. my crying and upsetness about looking rubbsish/having nothing to wear paid off last week. although i wanted to curl up in my bed and call the night off, my mum convinced me to go buy something new to wear. that in itself was an ordeal i was driving about everywhere but managed to get something in the very last shop. as soon as i put it on boytoy was like 'wow you look great you should wear clothes that fit you all the time so people can see your weightloss'. that was the first night my uni friends noticed my weight loss - partly because they saw me every day while it was happening and because im still wearing my old (now too big) clothes they hadnt noticed. i felt great they were all like omg you look amazing. boosted my confidence.

 

boytoys dad had won on the irish lottery so the following night we went out for a 3 course meal - something we never do. it was sooo good just going on a date.

 

ive noticed though that i struggle to eat well on weekends - stuff always comes up - bbqs, family getting chinese, meals out to socialise. its hard. but im trying to say to myself im trying to do this in a sustainable way so have the treats and just try n focus and be good the rest of the time... its the 80/20 rule right? plus i do try and make more sensible choice and watch portions, but i never want to be that boring girl who sits pushing her food around her plate, only orders salads and has nothing while everyone else has dessert. moderation is key. unfortunately i do feel like when i eat rubbish i put myself on a guilt trip. im getting to that obsessive stage about calories.

 

so today im goin for an interview for an unpaid job *sigh* im at the end of my tether. 5 years at uni for what, an unpaid job??? everyone keeps saying whats for you wont go by you, but ive lost hope. and i dont know what my backup plan is. i dont have anything else i want to do in life. its such a struggle.

[bobsiesprincess]

its funny how just getting showered, doing your hair and makeup and putting on nice clothes can make you feel sooo much better. im feeling a bit more positive now - you never know this unpaid job could lead to bigger and better things for me

 

also the fact that i can dress casually for this interview swung it for me - if it was formal dress i may not have gone! haha

[bobsiesprincess]

so i got the job - typical! haha. the guy was reaaalllly kool to be fair. he said that although it would be employment law, his partner is in charge of the criminal department so id probably end up working with him too which would be ideal. also, he ended up getting his last volunteer a traineeship with another firm through his connections so this definetly could lead to more. its all very laid back, hes gonna take on a few of us and its a kind of phone you when i need you to do some legal research so its not too full on. itll be great for the cv if nothing else, and he says provided i do work he'll give me a good reference. its kind of like were helping him out so in the end he'll help us. we were just in a huge discussion about how bad things are just now for law graduates and it was nice to know that some lawyers out there are doing what they can to help.

 

so anyway, i was browsing ena tonight and came accross a thread that you have to list 5 bad qualities about yourself. here are mine -

 

1. im so negative - im a glass is half empty kinda girl

2. overly sensitive - i take everything personally...its draining

3. im totally impatient - get very easily annoyed

4. i over-react to things

5. i hold grudges - find it difficult to forgive and forget

 

im gonna work on these because im in a bad place mentally and am detemined to get out of it.