the new life of bobsiesprincess

[bobsiesprincess]

So, the other day I heard about K getting into the same sorta bad situation he got into when he was with me...

Obviously that made me think of him a bit and i got a bit concerned. Then out of the 900 songs on my ipod... 2 of our songs came on in a row and i found out We Will Rock You is coming to Edinburgh... i took him to London to see it cos we both love Queen and we thought it was amazing, and we had an awesome weekend in Ediburgh one time. Just lotsa reminders in one go. Makes me feel a bit weird.

 

Me and boytoy had a huge fight tonight over nothing. I cried alot tonight when i got home over both these things.

 

since i got back ive been thinking alot about my friend who killed himself earlier in the year. its such a range of emotions when someone takes their own life. im goin to go to a spiritualist soon and hopefully get some answers.

[bobsiesprincess]

ive just finished Mia Tylers book... shes just such an inspiration to me. first of all, she is gorgeous and promotes the idea of girls being comfortable in their own skin and that they don't have to be skinny to be beautiful. more than that though.... she is an extremely positive person. she gets life and its struggles... shes been there.

Two quotes which she constantly stresses are...

"Be patient and tough. One day this pain will be worth it."

and

"Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself."

 

Both are quotes to live by. When * * * * happens... you have to go out there and turn your life around yourself. If you do nothing you are sure to be miserable. Good things don't just happen... you have to make them.

 

Hopefully reading her book will get me out of this depressed funk i seem to be in and can't get myself out of. Im constantly stressing about having no money, my debts, not knowing what I want to do with my life, my weight, etcetc. I need to just deal with it bit by bit.

 

my car failed its mot. its apparently sooo dangerous to drive. its a really old car and would be waaay expensive to fix so basically thats it done. finito. im carless. of course this really upset me. but boytoys a mechanic so he can find me a cheapy car to get me from A to B.

 

we went away for the weekend. it was amazing. i think we really needed the down time together... just the two of us. worryingly, i had a "this is it" moment.... you know when you feel like everything has just fallen into place and everything was meant to be... which is worrying cos that leave u vulnerable to getting hurt.....

of course, we didnt go the whole weekend without arguing. it seems to be what we do. hes just so feekin clueless when it comes to girls and relationships. he makes all the textbook errors. it is quite funny but frustrating.

when we argue though its not like horrible arguing. my friend describes us as like an old married couple. she says its cute bickering. that description is completely accurate.

 

this argument didnt fall into that category...in fact i wouldnt even call it an argument tbh. we were in the supermarket queue... and i leaned in and put my arm round him to get a peck. he pulled back and said "not in public" i felt SOOOOOO rejected. i mean seriously hurt. tears filled my eyes, cos to me it felt like he was embarrassed to be seen with me. he claims he has an issue with PDA... but like I said to him its not like id want to have a full on make out sesh in public. i just dont see anything wrong with hand holding, a quick hug or a quick peck on the lips. i think he got the message though when i wouldnt touch him all afternoon.

 

were falling into that trap of being completely attatched and seeing each other all the time. ive seen him every day for about 2 weeks. but to be fair, i also think its because we're both skint and cant afford to be goin out doing stuff with our friends just now. dont get me wrong i have seen a bit of my friends... but when they want to go out for dinner, or cocktails or clubbing or whatever... i simply cannot afford it just now. when i get a job ill hopefully have a bit more freedom...although the priority is defo payin of my credit card and overdraft and other debts rather than having a gd time. i cant enjoy myself til theyre off my mind.

 

yesterday me and boytoy went to ikea to look for a new bed for him and then i was keepin him company while he did deliveries. for absolutely no reason except to cheer me up cosa the funk ive been in, he bought me the sex and the city dvd and a gorgeous bunch of pink roses. i couldnt believe it. i sometimes wonder what i did to deserve him. but hey.... all the pain from K was worth it!

 

i have an interview 2moro for a job. its only a 6 month contract and prob doesnt pay much, but i really want it. its a good opportunity and oculd lead to other things. i havent been to an interview in so long though... my mum bought me a whole new interview outfit. its smart and businesslike but also fashionable so i feel comfortable and confident in it.

[GetMeBack]

Hi Bobsie, good luck for your interview tomorrow! xXx

 

GetMeBack

[bobsiesprincess]

so the interview went well (thanks for the luck getmeback!).

 

however, the job was advertised as being in the next town to me (a 15 minute drive tops). When I got called back to meet more people, kind of a second interview, they are going to give me £100 extra per month to cover the travel (that doesnt quite cover the cost btw) but the wages r * * * * ty and i never would have looked for a job in the city for those wages. i accepted the job, but the more i think about it the more i realise this is not a good idea. ive been up cryin all night, its 5am... i dont know what wrong with me.

 

i have debts. i need to pay them. i need a car. i need to start saving for a mortgage. but, it i take this job im leaving the house at 7am and not getting back til 7pm. thats like a 12 hour shift. for a 9-5 job. for a job than im not passionate about. this job is not where i see my life going.

 

if i take it ill never see boytoy. itll be back to an hour here and hour there a couple of times a week. the last few weeks ive been in heaven with him, he means the world to me now and i just cant deal with that happening. i need work/life balance and this job dont give me it. im gona be miserable seeing boytoy so little.

 

i just dont know what to do. its such a dilema.

[bobsiesprincess]

I have had a CRAZY day.

 

Back in March I applied to do the Diploma in Legal Practise at the best law school in Scotland. Its extremely competitve to get in, and I was rejected. I was gutted but put on a brave face about the whole thing, and didnt let anyone know my true feeling about it except Boytoy. My family didnt have a clue how i felt cos i didnt want them to view me as a failure. There is easier places to get in so I had decided to think about it and possibly do it one of those places, however i wasnt keen on the idea as id have to move for a year.

 

So strating my job 2moro.... i feel like im at the stage of my life where im ready to move on and grow up... clear my debts, buy a new car, save for a mortgage.....and out of the blue i get a call from the course offering me a place. BUT, it already started on Tuesday so they need a decision by tomorrow morning. I had NOOOO idea I would get into it...not a scooby. Like I say, its already started! So all day ive been crying and thinking and writing lists of pros and cons of what i do. Im standing at crossroads being forced to make a potentially life changing snap decision. Do I do what ive always wanted to do deep down and create more debt for myself? Ive also not looked for traineeships cos I wasn't on the course! Or, do I take a risk, do what ive been planning and possibly get the job Im hoping to start in March...meaning im closer to my flat, debts cleared, nice wee car.

 

So, in the end I have decided to get a loan to cover the extortionate course fees and do the course. The basis of this decision is that everyone is advising me to do it as its what ive always wanted and I shouldnt let debt that I can easily pay when qualified stop me. This morning I thought I was going to my new job tomorrow but now im going to uni!

Life is a funny, funny thing. Full of twists and turns. Having been up since 4am crying my eyes out... i feel like its fate.

[GetMeBack]

Hi Bobsie, I think this is marvellous news.

 

Someone was watching over you....x

[bobsiesprincess]

Hi Bobsie, I think this is marvellous news.

 

Someone was watching over you....x

 

thanx getmeback...it certainly feels that way!!

[bobsiesprincess]

so being back at uni has been good. i love it cos its very practical and realistic. were put into a firm for the year, and basically all the coursework and stuff is based on sort of real life scenarios we'll deal with as lawyers. so itll really set me up well for the workplace.

 

one of the girls in the firm Sanaa is really great. i could see myself becoming good friends with her. shes really gorgeous as well...absolutely stunning hair, but i mean shes not skinny. which is what i like about her.

 

speaking of not being skinny... ive decided enough is enough. ive lost weight before i can do it again. so im gonna try to make healthier choices, do a bit of Paul McKenna stuff and exercise 3 times a week. i wish i could commit to more... i may find myself doing more but my workload on this diploma is really high. but i mean 3 good 1 hour cardio sessions should be good.

man im dreadin graduation and fat pictures

 

OMG i almost 4got 2 write about this.... having not seen and of Ks family for a year... me and Boytoy went out 4 lunch on Saturday, afterwards we went into the bookires so he could put a line on and i bumped into Ks brother. some akward convo ensued. theeen later that night me and Boytoy went out 4 a chinese and bumped into Ks mum and sister. q more akward convo. i dont know why but it really upset me, so i ended up crying. i mean i was shaking. 2 much in one day i think.

 

however, it did make me realise how happy i was to be in boytoys house with him and his family.... the pain was all worth it. he says sweet things to me all the time but ive never been happier than the night i got into the diploma and i was out with him and just randomly out of nowhere he said "you dont even know how proud i am of you right now" it was so genuine and it just made me sooo happy.

[bobsiesprincess]

the other night my mum hosted a "law of attraction" night.

( link removed )

 

it was really kool. we made Vision Boards and ive now got mine on my wall . im gonna try and live by the law of attraction from now on.

[bobsiesprincess]

so K finally has a new gf. i saw pictures of them 2gether. i feel weird... like not necessarily upset but i have a weird feeling in my stomach.

 

im bound to compare myself with her... and shes really pretty. i feel so inadequate.

[bobsiesprincess]

me and boytoy were in the pub 2day having a drink and met Ks other sister. I find it so weird that i havent seen any of them and in the course of a week ive met 2 of his sisters, his brother and his mum AND found out he has a gf.

[GetMeBack]

Oh hun, I can understand how you feel....but try and not let it get you down. You have a great future ahead. im on msn now by the way? x

[bobsiesprincess]

im not feelin so great these days. its undeniable that ive put on the weight i lost over the breakup. so im feelin really * * * * ty about my body.

 

on top of that not having any money is really tough. for 2 reasons. firstly im very into retail therapy, like buying clothes does make me feel better (even if just temporarily!)/ secondly, i dont see my friends as much wen im skint. im lovin spending time with boytoy but i dont feel complete. but at the same time im so self conscious just now i dont feel much like going out with my gorgeous friends.

 

lastly and probably most importantly... im really struggling to keep up with the uni work. i seem to have lost all time management ability i had. i feel completely overwhelmed with it all and am starting to feel that this might not be for me. on top of that the Law Society came in to talk to us on Friday and mentioned how traineeships are few and far between this year because of the credit crunch... im just stressin majorly. dont know what to do with myself.

[bobsiesprincess]

so what i would have thought a year ago to be my worst nightemare just happened.... i met K and his new gf. Yes it was akward, yes it was weird, but i got through it and kept my composure. Im proud of me.

[stranded247]

thats so awesome that you managed that situation well. its amasing how you've gotten better and better

[bobsiesprincess]

ive finally remembered the bad side of relationships.

long story short....

my bf is out and lies to me. i catch him out. he proceeds to get blind drunk, gets home at midnight and phones waking me up (he knew i was asleep) to talk about things. but cant talk cos he keeps being sick and decides he'd rather sleep. so im awake, really upset, and have to get up for uni in the morning. while hes fast asleep and has a long lie 2m. wot a selfish bastard he has been tonight. its been all about him.

[bobsiesprincess]

so i graduated on friday. it was a great ceremony.... in a gorgeous ex church owned by the uni. i looked so smart in my gown. its funny, my "highschool sweetheart" i guess you could call him was graduating as well. his mum came up 2 me all emotional. i clearly remember her asking me what i wanted to be when i was about 14 or somn and i said a lawyer. she said i cant believe ud want to do that and lie for criminals. haha and heres me graduated with a law degree. its such a stupid view to have anyway, cos criminal defence is such a tiny area of law that the majority of lawyers arent even involved in anyway.

 

boytoy came. hes such a sweety, like he spent the whole afternoon with my parents and i wasnt even there. then he came 4 dinner with us, and then out 4 drinks with my friends. he wasnt akward at all and chatted away to everyone and just fitted right in. my mum and dad love him. my mum said to me " Lauren, ur much btr off with boytoy than K, we would not have had such a nice day with K.. he would have been there but he would have been quiet and akward" shes so right. we both fit into each others families really well and thats just such a sign i think.

 

im having a bit of a nightmare in uni. we get put into firms for the year and mine is just a complete disaster. one guy hates the whole thing, hates the diploma, hates working in a group etcetc so hes got this terrible attitude and doesnt turn up for meeting. last week he didnt come to one cos 1pm is "too early" i mean, * * * is he gonna do when hes a lawyer n he starts work at 9. the other guy is just sooo super laid back, hes vertical. he just makes no input to any meetings, want to discuss the weekend or talk to his friends or whatever. the other girl is just completely clueless about everything and doesnt show up to meetings. so basically is me and another girl doing all the work for the firm and theyre passing on our hard work. i feel ill with the stress and dread going in every day.

[bobsiesprincess]

i don't know whats going on with me... i really don't. i mean everything is going right...i got onto the course I wanted to and i have an amazing boyfriend....yet i cant seem to be happy. i constantly punish myself. i beat myself up all the time. i feel very depressed again. i cant stand looking at myself in the mirror or anything. im just a bit miserable and cant pull myself out of it.

 

but looking back at 2008, its been my best year yet. started with a legendary night in Manchester for the Spice Girls reunion tour with my bestest buddie. I had my long awaited american adventure. i got over K and got boytoy. I graduated with a 2.1 which is what i wanted. I got onto the diploma. which is all amazing considering 2007 (or the second half of it) was the worst time of my life. i want to make 2009 even better. I want to become someone better, someone i want to be. I desparetly want to be that happy and confident girl i once was.

 

in some ways i still very much feel lonely. for my graduation 3 of my good friends made stupid excuses and didnt come. i knew theyd cancel. i guess it comes down again to feeling a lack of friends. G i feel like is the only one im really close to and who will always be there. its just a struggle sometimes, i feel like i dont fit in with anyone. i always feel slightly like an outsider. theres one girl in my firm who is absolutely lovely and weve went to lunch n she invited me out for dinner and stuff, thats made me realise its not too late to be making new friends. when i get a job im sure ill meet more people i click with.

 

im also in that comfy happy stage of my relationship where i do want to see alot of boytoy, which is dangerous when it comes to seeing friends. but im trying hard to have a good balance with boytoy/uni/socialising.

 

speaking of uni...its just getting worse with the firm situation. i have the sunday night blues. roll on next weekend.

[bobsiesprincess]

in stark contrast to this time last year...im really looking forward to christmas this year. i feel like a different person in many ways. things arent perfect, but im in a better place than i was a year ago thats for sure.

 

im so looking forward to spending my first christmas (of hopefully many) with boytoy. im spoiling him a bit this year because i can, and i cant wait to see his wee face as he opens his presents.

 

ive actually finished buying and wrapped all my christmas presents. haha. thats a bit crazy but i have alot on uni wise this month, so i decided to make it less stressful by being completely organised. love it!

 

also, spork from camp is coming over just after christmas. so ill c her and a couple of the other camp bunters over the festive season which im really looking forward to.

 

however, i still hate new year! biggest anti climax of the year. meeeh. i wont be as bitter about life this year as to go to bed before the bells like last year, but im sure i wont enjoy it the way youre supposed to!

 

im feeling optimistic about everything. im gonna make 2009 my year. ive have some goals for myself to achieve over the next year....

 

1. lose weight and get fit and healthy. not for societys pressure to be skinny to be beautiful, but to feel better inside and out.

2. get a legal traineeship starting summer 2009....positive thinking.

3. relax and enjoy life more. appreciate what i have.

4. gain confidence in myself.

5. start saving money/repaying my student debt

[bobsiesprincess]

when going through the break up last year, i read something about how people come in and out of your lives for periods of time in order to teach you lessons. ive been thinking about boy toy.... hes certainly taught me lessons.

 

1. that after having your heart broken it is totally possible to find love and be happy once again

2. to not judge a book by its cover - he wasnt my 'type' but i gave it a go and have found him to be a great match for me

3. that age is just a number - i would never have went for someone 3 years younger, but we really never notice our age difference whatsoever

4. to not give a * * * * what other people think about me - and our relationship

5. that i can do anything i want with my life if i put my mind to it

6. that i am worthy of someone elses love

7. to just do what makes me happy - not anyone else

[bobsiesprincess]

aw man i just need a vent. i would firstly like to point out that i had an amazing christmas, i was soooo happy to be spending it with boytoy, i felt like the happiest girl in the world and hope i get to spend many christmases with him.

 

however, last christmas when i was really low, i made myself focus on the positives of not being with K. the main ones were

=> the money id save by not buying K presents and his huge family )and being able to treat myself with it!)

=> being able to spend all the time with my family and doing what i want to do

 

this holiday me and boytoy felt like we needed lots of quality time together, cos with my uni and his 3 jobs, we severly lack in it. but weve not had a minute together. its all his family stuff constantly. they put me in a position where i feel i cant say no, and have to pick his family over mine. i understand part of a relationship is being with their family, but its a bit unbalanced just now. maybe i need to learn to be abit more selfish or whatever... on saturday night i really wanted to see my bestfriend, but his parents hounded me into going to this big family do. when i spoke to boytoy, he was like i dont ask alot of you but please do this. its getting to the stage im feeling stressed and that i cant do what i want, and is making me rethink the whole relationship thing. im feeling a bit smothered and that things are too serious too quick, which is terrible since apart from this im blissfully happy in the relationship.

 

ive also seen a different side to his parents the more i get to know them. i mean i do still really like them, but his mum is really cheeky and makes potentially hurtful remarks. his dad got really drunk the other night and started asking me uncomfortable questions, and showed his bitterness and narrowmindedness. im just fed up, im with boytoy, not his family

[bobsiesprincess]

oh i 4got to mention... somn weird happened yesterday. last night me and boyoty went to the cinema to see Twilight (ive been DYING to see this since I read all the books when I was in America). I love doing things with boytoy like going to the cinema anyway because we were f buddies to start with so didnt do all the coupley things. so im sitting there with my gorgeous boy having a wee chat, about to see an amazing film with my yummy ben n jerrys and i just had a realisation that im happy. that everythings going to well. and i burst into tears (for what seemed like no apparant reason to boytoy) because im terrified of getting hurt. everything doesnt go this well for people, i mean... i got into the diploma, i got a 2.1, i got the best bf ever... like somns gotta go wrong and im just waiting for it to happen.

[bobsiesprincess]

so ive achieved alot in 2008, but still i don't think of it as a good year for me. soooo i though to force myself to focus on the positive, id do a top ten moments of 2008. here we go...

 

10. Student day

exams were over but still an essay to go til i finished. agreed to meet my friends at the library, but really they tricked me into coming to glasgow for a day of drinking. we just sat in the pub chatting and drinking cider when we should have been studying then got an indian in. it was one of those days that i thought this is what being a student should be haha.

 

9. April old firm game with my dad.

I love Celtic...the atmosphere was amazing and it was good to do something with just me and my dad.

 

 

8. End of dissertation weekend.

So months of hard work came to an end. The best friend G came as my date to the Law Ball. We stayed over at a hotel and just had a lovely night. And my dress and shoes and bag were gorgeous which is always a plus. The next night a couple of the uni girls came down and we had cocktails at home, a night out and sleepover...again i had a hot outfit and we just had a right laugh. funtimes.

 

7. Sex and the City

girlie movie of the year...and like everyone else, me and my girls did it in style. went for dinner, had some cocktails and a gossip and then went to see the movie...which was awesome!!

 

6. Halloween

Just a great night. Dressed as a cavegirl and I felt confident for the first time in aaagggeeeessss. Went with my best friend G and her friend L, and then boytoy turned up dressed as ......... oh god i cant remember...the yellow xmen maybe? somn like that! its the frist time we went clubbing together, and he was so sweet and paid for my taxi home and everything.

 

5. Twilight

having read all the books in america i was sooo looking 4ward to this film. sitting in the cinema with my gorgeous boyfriend, my nachos and my ben and jerrys and an amazing film i had a "this is it" moment.

 

4. Exam Results/Getting into Diploma

ok kinda cheating with this one as they happened at completely different times...but hey. when i got my exams results i was over the moon. for me, i just think it was amazing that i did it considering what i was going through emotionally with the breakup. i set myself a goal, and i made it despite the fact i had alot going against me. it was the best reward for such hard work. then to top it all off, i got into the diploma. i got really lucky with that one.

 

3. Birthday/Leaving Night

So my 22nd birthday co-incided with me leaving for America. Had all my best girls over for cocktails and a BBQ (even though it was thunder and lightning!) and then we went clubbing and met up with my 2 best guy friends. i had such a ball. it was an amazing night with all my important friends (minus Bobsies who was on holiday)

 

2. America

ok this isnt one event- more like 3 months but i cant pick any single moments. it was just life changing. it wasnt easy, but it was definetly an achievement. i made friends for life, and grew in so many ways. one of the most memorable times was tattoo weekend...me and two of my best friends from camp and one other girl has a weekend off and got tattoos and had a wee mini party and it was just special. everytime i look at the tattoo (its just really small and in a place i can hide it) i think of my time in america and the people i met. it was one of the best experiences of my life.

 

 

1. Spice Girls Reunion Tour in Manchester with my best friend G.

We were both single, which is really unusual, and had an amazing girly trip. We got the bus down and stayed overnight in a hotel. The show was AMAZING, i wore my Ginger Spice tshirt (haha) and the costumes were out of this world (designed by Roberto Cavalli) Afterwards we went to a club and danced the night away. It was just the best night ever. We had sooo much fun together. I really just needed a night away.

 

so i guess we can say its been a good year. but overall, without a doubt the best thing thats happened in 2008 is boytoy. hes like my angel. it wasnt easy to begin with. in fact we didnt even get into things properly til i got back from America, but something inside me told me not to give up on us and im so glad i didnt, cos im soooo happy with him. i couldnt have met anyone sweeter or who would treat me better. our personalities fit together perfectly and hes just taught me so much. il be eternally grateful for him coming into my life.

[bobsiesprincess]

Spork, one of my two best friends from camp, is in Scotland just now. Shes staying with Green as I thought i was gonna be away over new year. So i went to meet them last night for dinner and drinks. it was soooo good to see them, its been like 4/5 months. they invited me to the Edinburgh street party for hogmanay, but i decided against it. kinda regretting it now, cos the plans i had have been cancelled. buuut Tunes, my other best friend from camp is coming up on friday...so i have a weekend of fun planned with the camp buddies and i cant wait 4 it!

 

oh and i spoke to boytoy about the family issue. he completely understood and couldnt have taken it any better. i love that boy so much.

[bobsiesprincess]

Today, Monday 5th January 2009...is the start of the new and improved me. Its a work in progress and i will use this journal to track my progress so that on 31st December 2009 I can look back and see the changes I have made. I'm very motivated and am looking forward to my journey throughought the next year, despite the challenges i know will inevitably occur.

 

I was sitting in the bath today thinking how lucky a person I really am, and i take it for granted. Im 2 and a half years away from being a lawyer...I will be financially stable, I will have a flat and a car and all the things I wish for. I have a boyfriend and family who love me, and I have a few very good friends.

 

This has by far been the best festive period ever, and im very sad its over. Me and boytoy did lots of fun things together....bowling, pool, cinema, meals out, night away....as well as spending lots of time with each others families chatting, playing games and drinking (im also very proud that ive finally mastered the skill of knowing when ive had enough and having the willpower to stop, resulting in no hangovers...ZILCH!). As well as that I caught up with my camp buddies on a few occasions and that was of course a ball.

 

But the party is over and its back to reality with a bang. Ive worked out today, ate reasonably healthy and done uni work. So off to a good start. Hopefully I will keep that up!

 

Boytoy and I watched the Frankie Boyle dvd the other night cos we both love him on Mock the Week and I saw it half price in a sale. It was HILARIOUS. We were both laughing hysterically the whole way through it. He really is a funny character, although he does cross the line a bit...not for the sensitive!

 

I just cant believe how well my relationship is going. This is the part I'd usually say whens it gonna go wrong...however the new improved me is going to focus on positives and not negatives! Honestly though, we could sit together in a room with absolutely nothing in it and not be bored cos we just have so much fun together all the time. The banter is rare! Although yesterday I managed to hit his car with my dads merc which didnt go down well! We laughed about it like 10 mins later tho.

 

Anyway, im off to shower and make a nice healthy dinner