the new life of bobsiesprincess

[bobsiesprincess]

so, ive been trying to do a journal in real life, but i dont write in it because i dont want to face my feelings. but i figured im more likely to do an online one....

 

im feeling really down and lonely every single day. i guess i had all these problems with friends (or lack of) before K came along. he solved all my problems at exactly the right time. I'd been crazy about him for years before we got 2gether. i never thought he could possibly like me, i mean hes so funny and popular. but, it turns out he did. he kissed me on a night out and we were inseperable since then. we had so much fun together, so many amazing memories. i can remember the way he looked at me, how much he adored me. i can remember all the sweet things he said to me. i honestly believed no1 could ever love each other as much as we loved each other.

 

after a year 2gether...... something traumatic happened in my life and it affected me really badly. for a long time, i lost all my self esteem, was 2 scared 2 be out alone, or be out late.........to me this is where things probably started to go wrong. at this stage, K had a year out of uni and was working a 9-5 type job. I was still at uni, and working nights/weekends, so we didnt have as much time for each other as we previously did. neither of us could drive, so to see each other it was either 2 buses, or a bus and a train. k was always tired and i could understand him not wanting to make the effort as much 2 c me nemore. he kept promising to take his driving lessons to make things easier on us but he never did. the reason he took the year out was to pay off his debts and take driving lessons..........did he do either of these? no. he pissed the money away on god knows what. he always seemed to be skint, it always seemed to be me paying for things even though he was earning twice what i was. im the kind of person who if i want something - i go out and get it. and him not doing this frustrated me, so i probably nagged him too much.

 

he was so caring though, and i thought of him as the perfect bf. he did so many thoughtful things and was always there 4 me.

i guess i had him built up in my mind though as more than he was, because i remember being so surprised and disappointed any time he did let me down, or snapped at me and things like that - because that wasnt what he was like.

 

i put the change in him down to hating his job. we bickered a bit more, and i felt a bit neglected. but we still had an amazing relationship and so much love for each other.

so his years placement ended and summer was here. i thought it was the end of our problems cos we'd both be going back to uni and be in the same routine again.

but, he couldnt find a new job, and i was now working full time.... so it was just the same problems again time wise. he was really down. his brother divorce was finalised, and he dumped his newest gf n she had to move back down to england. his family was devastated.

 

it was coming up for our 2 year anniversary and we were going to paris.

i remember lying on his bed and him telling me how every1 was asking him if he was going to propose while we were there, i just laughed it off, i didnt realise it was actually bothering him.

 

i enjoyed the trip to paris so much, i felt like we really needed the time away 2gether cos wed both been so busy. we had a great time, and didnt fight or anything.

 

then a few weeks later that was it. there was no signs it was coming, he was alot quieter, but had been for a while, i figured he was down about everything else in his life. he texted me etc all the time n was always saying he missed me n loved me n things. n always reassured me everything with us was fine.

 

i remember the day he dumped me so well. i was at work, i came out on my lunchbreak and he was on the street with 2 of his friends. he gave me a hug n kiss etc n i was like oh i thought you were coming to meet me n surprise me, but he was just out with his friends. i was going to his after work n asked him to wait on me n wed get the bus 2gether, but he said no he cldnt be bothered waiting the extra half hour on me. i was a wee bit miffed, cos ive waited about hours in the city to get the train home with him. so anyway, i was so excited for the end of the day, i had bought us food to make for dinner and i had a wee present for him too. i remember feeling really weird on the bus though, i could feel something wasnt right. in fact id had a dream the night before that we had split up. i got to his and as soon as i was there i burst into tears, he hugged me so hard and kept asking me what was wrong and i kept saying i didnt know. we had dinner n things n went upstairs to watch tv.

 

he started tlking about the whole marriage thing. he said he doesnt want to lead me on cos he doesnt know if hell ever want that because of what its done to his family. i tried to say to him i want him more than i want marriage, and that its silly worrying about his just now because its a long time away. i didnt think we were splitting up though so i just left it. then he said, dont you want to talk about this? n i was like.....what do you mean, what is there to say? n he was like i think we should split up. i asked him if he still wanted to be with me apart from the marriage thing and he said yes. then 2 mins later he said in fact no, im not happy anymore.

 

i was hysterical. i was in shock, disbelief. i didnt know what to say or do. i threw up.

 

i texted all my friends to let them know. some of them didnt even bother to text back. others were so good and there for me for like the first week.

 

now 2 n a half months in, i realised it was only me making the effort to text and phone them and ask them 2 do things. so ive stopped making the effort and realised i literally have no1. they all let me down. all i want is sum1 to care about me, i want a group of single friends to go out with and have fun with.

 

all ks friends r single. hes been out getting steamin n having the time of his life since we split up, as if nothing ever happened. as if the last 2 years meant nothing to him.

 

i love the boy with all my heart. i always will. i miss him more every single day. im never going to get over him or meet anyone who can compare to him. he means everything to me and im never going to be the same again.

 

im broken - my life is meaningless without him. i dont even want to go on. i struggle through every day alone, trying to keep up with the pressure of uni and failing.

 

i was 100% myself with him and ive been rejected, so i feel like im never going to be good enough for anyone.

 

i really need to sort myself out - i have no confidence. i need to keep on losing weight and i need 2 pass my driving test.

[bobsiesprincess]

do you know what k, one day you will realise that love isnt like a fairytale. it takes work and effort and its a choice. ok, it shouldt be really hard or its not worth it, but you have a warped view of relationships.

[bobsiesprincess]

the past week has been probably the hardest since the first week or so.

 

it started on Sunday when I took the plunge and deleted my bebo, because i was checking Ks all the time. Everytime i logged on there would be more pictures of him on the changes page from mutual friends. i couldnt take nemore so it was gone. i also didnt like the idea of ppl being able to view my page and see i havent got much going on in my life just now. i figured if they really care they could call me......but of course, they wont, cos they dont care.

 

then on monday i saw him in the passing which really upset me.

 

i had a big presentation on the tuesday which i just couldnt get.

 

the rest of the week was spent in tears. i literally got no studying done. which i really cant afford this year. im now even further behind and stressed, and again questioning whether i should really be in uni this year cos i dont seem to be coping. im almost halfway into the semester and i feel like im disappointing myself because i wont get the mark i deserve at the end-or would have got had this not happened.

 

an increasing awareness of my lack of real, decent friends is really bringing me down. but, im probably better with no friends and life this year, so ill hopefully get more studying done, but it just doesnt seem to be working that way.

 

im very depressed about christmas and new year which are fast approaching. there is no escape. every shop you go in theres christmas stuff, every pub and restraunt the christmas menus are out, the christmas lights are up in the city. k has made me so happy the last 2 christmases. i love the nice coupley things we did on the run up to christmas. i loved being with him on christmas day, and seeing his face as he opened the presents i got him. to me..... christmas is a coupley time, and im alone.

as for new year.......ive always hated it. its a complete anti climax and always depresses me. ive never been to a new years party that ive REALLY enjoyed. ill have no1 to kiss at midnight. ive already decided im goin to bed early on new years eve and just ignoring the whole thing.

the only good thing, is last year i had to go away at new year with his family. there was so much drama. im so glad this year i wont need to deal with one of his sisters mood swings, the other sisters annoyingness, his brothers fiances * * * * *iness, and the constant fall outs and family politics. that i wont miss. i can just be with my family.

 

theres so much im dreading. this uni year is by far the toughest of my life. i just cant see myself getting through this. i honestly wish i was dead, rather than going through this pain ever single day.

[bobsiesprincess]

so, ive been thinking alot about him 2day. well i think about him alot every day....

 

i want so much to hate him. i try and think about his bad points, or bad things about the relationship, but really there wasnt many at all. i mean, obv things werent perfect, but i dont believe theres any such thing as a perfect relationship. i wish he'd done something bad to me, like cheated on me, so i would know in my mind that he wasnt right for me cos he did that. but right now, all i can do is hate myself 4 losing the best thing thats ever happened to me. i feel like such a failure cos i failed to see the signs of what was going to happen, if i had im sure i could have fixed things.

 

im so so scared, cos i dont think ill ever meet sum1 better than him. hes perfect for me and everything i wanted. i thought it was going to be me and him 4 life. i want marriage and children so much, but i want it with him. he would have been the perfect husband and dad. obv im young and i dont want it now, but i cant help but worry about my future now. im scared im never going to be happy.

 

im sick of people. all they do is let you down. and im sick of people commenting on how much better i look and how i look like im doing well and so on. just because ive started wearing makeup and making an effort again and have lost a bit of weight doesnt mean im coping, but if it makes u feel better about the fact that uve been a * * * * friend/family member and havent bothered with me, then im glad.

 

i miss him so much.

[bobsiesprincess]

i booked my driving test! ill probably fail, but i really hope i pass soon cos i think for me it will symbolise me turning my life around a bit for the better.

 

ive been keeping up with the exercise and eating healthy meals, im just going to have to be careful with the chocolate, i have too much of a sweet tooth!

 

Losing weight and passing my test would make me a bit happier. obv it wont fix things but i think it will help with my confidence and independence.

[bobsiesprincess]

so .... my "friend" J. shes always been one of those people who picks people up and drops them whenever she feels like it. id been hurt by her one too many times and gave up on her. over the past year she called me a couple of times to go on sort of high school reunions. she called me close to my 21st so I decided to invite her. she said yeh. i met her in the town the day of my 21st and she said she was looking 4ward to it and she'd be there. she didnt come. she didnt text me to tell me she wasnt coming or to tell me to have a nice bday. i should have realised at that point that she hasnt changed and never will.

her and her long term bf split up and i heard about it. so i texted her and spoke 2 her on msn about it and we agreed to meet. then me and K split up. she was amazing, calling me, keeping me company etc....for about 2 weeks?? then i got dropped once again. no replies to texts etc.

on friday night it was my friends wee sisters 18th, so i didnt know many ppl goin. me and J agreed to go 2gether and we were both dressing up as the same thing. i texted her on the tuesday morning to find out exactly what she was wearing, she replied late tuesday night saying shes got a bug and doesnt know if shes going, but even if she does shes going to tae kwon do until 8 on the night (yeh really bad bug if ur going to tae know do) i asked her to let me know as soon as she could if she was going or not so that i could find sum1 else to come. heard nothing from her. texted her on the morning of the party. got a reply late afternoon saying she still doesnt know but shed text me after work. of course i heard nothing else from her. but i did hear at the party that shed been out the night b4 clubbing. a bug? shes a feeking liar. and she has no respect, i mean, she knowsz what im going through and how lonely ive been and how hard im finding going 2 parties etc and she can still do that to me. so now im 100% done with her. shes hurt me too many times when i was younger and shes done it again. its my own fault for thinking people can change.

 

then theres G. my "best friend" for the past 9 years. when i text her to let her know me and K split up, she was amazing. called me straight away, offered to pick me up from his. the next day she offered to call in sick to work and spend the day with me. but i started to realise it was ALWAYS me calling and texting her to do things. this was a realisation with practically every1. so i stopped. i wanted to see who my real friends were, who would actually bother with me if it wasnt me making the effort. and as it turns out......... practically no1. but G especially surprised me, because i always though on her as a good friend, and i realised.......she isnt. she hasnt text me once since ive stopped getting in touch with her. well thats a lie....... she only text me to ask what happened to my bebo, not how i was etc. i mean this girl knows everything, how i wasnt gonae go back to uni, how ive been referred to the priory etc etc and she just doesnt care. some best friend.

 

then theres my uni friends. 5 girls ive become really close to over the past 3 years. only one of them bothered to text back when i let them know i had been dumped. these are girls who are all in long term relationships so should be able to imagine what im going through. they dont consider how im feeling, because theyre too wrapped up in their own lives and all they talk about is their bfs in front of me. the one who did reply, i cant deny that shes been there for me, and checks up on me etc but shes the type whos like ur pathetic, get over it and stop crying. so its not much of a help. ive been really disappointed by the uni girls, i though more of them.

 

onto L. shes asked me to do things etc and go out... but shes mean to other ppl, and started being mean to me. the last time we were out she made me cry - she shouted at me and called me a * * * * * for buying her a vodka and only getting myself a soft drink. i told her i wasnt drinking, and she asked for a vodka, so i didnt do anything wrong. she says im so inconsiderate for doing that when i know she doesnt like drinking on her on. firstly, i didnt know that. secondly, i told her i wasnt drinking and she still asked for a vodka. also, shes the tightest, cheapest person i know. i have to buy all the rounds, she doesnt put money towards the taxi home etc, and shes just not much fun to be around.

 

my best boy mates........ T and S. they just have their own lives, and their boys so they dont really get it. i mean, theyve taken me out a few times and cheered me up and stuff. i just wish they could fit me in more. S phones me, but sometimes i feel he only ever phones me to talk about his problems, never to see how i am coping.

 

B....... i love him, hes great. but recently ive caught him out on some lies hes told me about why he couldnt go out this day or that day, and i feel a bit let down by him now as well. plus hes major busy anyway and can hardly fit me in.

 

J, A and M. all good friends. but living abroad this year. im finding it hard to cope without them. but maybe if they were here theyd just let me down like every1 else.

 

obviously mutual friends r kind of out the window... for now neway...... cos i cant be myself and speak to them about how im feeling, and plus they just remind me of K.

 

sometimes i wonder if im too sensitive. im trying not to hold grudges, cos i realise im not in a position to pick and choose who i want to hang about with, so if these ppl get in touch, i will go out.

 

i just feel so disappointed with people. i think of myself as very loyal, and a great friend, im always there for people.

a while back, this girl got dumped. i was still with K so id never had my heart broken. but i knew how hard this must have been for her. i was 100% there for her. i always phoned, texted and went out with her. i want some1 to do that for me, to be there for me.

this girl eventually moved away. when me and K split up i could call her and so on, she said shed always be there for me, and we were in the middle of arranging for me to go and visit her for a weekend. and now shes just dissappeared. doesnt return any of my calls or texts. i dont know what ive done.

 

im trying to branch out and make new friends. its really hard to rebuild your life at this age tho.

 

more than anything, i wish i had a group of single girlfriends. who made arrangements to go out and have fun every weekend and i was included. this break up would be so much easier to get through if i had a good support system. i feel like im never goin 2 meet ne1 new, cos i dont have ne1 to go out with in the first place. im not confident enough to go do things on my own.

 

hopefully once ive finished with uni and get away from here i can start fresh. new people, new place.

[bobsiesprincess]

the only positive thing to come from this break up is it has brought me and my brother closer together. for that i will be eternally grateful. R and I have never had a good relationship. We always argued when we were younger and as we've gotten older we just tend to completely ignore each other. There has always been alot of jealousy between us. In school I was popular, always out with friends, got great exam marks, main parts in shows, played a million instruments ........ he was really heavy, depressed, didnt go out with people, didnt do well in school. he was jealous of me. recently, he is everything i want to be and theres alot of jealousy there. he lost a ton of weight, hes got LOADSA friends and is always out, hes in a band, he can drive, he had his gorgeous gf (although thats now over). he always got loads more attention from my mum and dad, because he was suffering from depression, and because it always seemed like i was doing good. but even back in school when everythin appeared to be going well for me, if my mum and dad had spoke 2 me they would have realised i was very unhappy. it always seemed as though he was the favourite, and i was the bad one. any arguments, they would take his side. so i had alot of resentment for R, because in my eyes he had the perfect life.

 

i will never 4get last christmas. i woke up on christmas day and was unwell out of nowhere. i had to go home from my uncles house and didnt even see my grandparents on christmas day because i was so sick. Ks bday is the 27th december and he was having a party. this made me REALLY ill. he had an afterparty at his house, and i spent the whole of it in bed, i was completely burning up and couldnt even talk. the next day i was sposed to be going away with his family until after new year, but i was so sick i couldnt. i lay in my bed for 3 whole days feeling like * * * * and not one person in my family came in to ask me how i was or if i needed anything. it felt like i meant nothing to them and they didnt care. so i went away to meet ks family for new year.

 

a few weeks later there was a massive argument between me and R. it resulted in a huge heart to heart with my mum. about everything.... she apologised so much for the thing with me being not well and said she was really selfish and just wanted to enjoy her holidays...... she admitted that R always got more attention than me etc. i told her how upset it made me that k had good relationships with his siblings and how i wished me and R could be close.

 

when K and I split up, i didnt think R cared. he never spoke 2 me about it or even acknowledged that it had happened. a few weeks later i was out with a girl who is friends with both me and R. she told me how R had been saying he was really worried about me, and never wanted to mention it to me incase he upset me more, and he said to her it had been so nice to see me smiling in the pub. this meant so much to me hearing that he cared. she went on to say how me and R are so alike in so many ways and we dont even know it cos we dont talk.

 

about a week later R came home crying. he felt really guilty cos hed split up with his gf. he doesnt like upsetting ppl, but the relationship just wasnt right.

since then, me and him have spoken so much. he can relate to how low and hopeless and lonely i feel because hes battled depression for years, and hes been through having no1 there for him. hes given me some amazing advise. and he even hugs me! no1 will ever know how much that means to me. i dont know if I could have got through this without R. Ive called him several times and he comes and picks me up and talks to me and gives me advise when im hysterical. i love my brother so much, hes been my rock through this. i will never feel jealous towards him because he deserves everything he has, he missed out on his teenage years through depression and ill always regret not being there for him then. i did honestly believe he hated me though.

 

neways..... now on2 a rant. my friend S who calls me to go on about girls. he went on 2 dates with this girl, and he didnt know her b4 then. last night he was going on2 me about how he misses her and the kisses and cuddles. i felt like screaming, he went on 2 dates with this girl. i was with K for 2 years and he just expects me to get over it! argh!

 

im really really missing K today. i think its cause im not well. almost 3 months ive been without him now doesnt feel much easier than day 1.

[bobsiesprincess]

i have that horrible panicky hard to breathe feeling that i had for so long back. i cant get memories out of my head today. its all so vivid.

[bobsiesprincess]

its 5.19am. i cant sleep. i cant get him out of my mind. i have that feeling of grief in my chest. i cant stop crying. the only thing that could make this better is a hug from him. i want to be normal again.......i want to be the old me. i cant even remember what it feels like to be happy.

[bobsiesprincess]

i have so much studying to do 2moro...... i came home early 2nite, went to bed at the back of 12 and its haf 2 and im still up. and i feel like i will be for a long time. everytime i close my eyes my mind goes into overdrive. these sleeping problems have 2 stop cos i cant cope with it this year cos of uni.

 

UPDATE: 5am....still awake. what am i gonae do??? i want to cry this is affecting my work.

[bobsiesprincess]

i just want to copy a post i made here a few weeks back to remind myself that i am getting better and can be positive.

Ok so I dont usually post advise n things, cos im still in such a bad place just now I dont really know what to say.....

 

but tonight i feel like sharing a couple of things that have stuck with me...

 

my mum said to me theres not many times in life that its ok to be selfish, but a broken heart is one very good reason to be selfish. do everything for you..... dont do anything that will make you feel any worse. its all about you now. treat yourself, pamper yourself, look after yourself, cos lets face it, no1 else will. do something uve always wanted to do - it doesnt need to be a big thing- go see a film ur ex wouldnt have wanted to, start learning something you didnt have the time to do when you were loved up.

 

also, its so easy to completely let urself go when you have a broken heart. this is ok for a while, but ive found eventually buying myself new clothes, making the effort to do my hair and makeup again actually makes u feel so much better. and obv, u want to be looking ur best if u ever bump into the ex!

 

WORK OUT! its such a good stress reliever, and the toning up will make u feel so much better about urself.

 

Also, ive been really bad for going over everything over and over and wondering if id done this differently, or said that, if i could have changed the outcome. Theres no point - we cant change the past, and if we'd done things differently we wouldnt have been acting naturally. True love should be unconditional - our flaws and mistakes shouldnt matter. no1 is perfect so dont beat urself up over it.

 

oh and DONT cyberstalk. I was going on his bebo EVERY day, and every single day it hurt me. take the plunge, delete ur accounts, you dont want any temptation.

 

also everyone -keep ur dignity - its all we have! most ppl do a bit of begging and crying which is natural because of the shock of the breakup but dont do it 4 ages. my mum said is all i can keep is my dignity, and its so important to do it. you want to walk away gracefully. when they look at their phone and they have 14 texts and 56 missed calls, its hardly going to make u seem appealing. dont act pathetic because in the future when u look back at this time, ull so regret it. i understand wanting to state ur case calmly once, i think this is ok, but give them their space. plus u dont want sum1 to get back with you because you convinced them, you want them to come back for the right reasons on their own. they dumped you, dont chase them!

 

 

Lets all keep the faith that the right person will come along for us!

[bobsiesprincess]

so tonight my dads going to some scottish sports award hall of fame thing that he goes to every year. this reminded me of the same wkend last year that he went - me and k were in London.

 

I remember on the plane he took REALLY unwell. and i knew it was bad because he looked awful and never complains of being unwell or wanting medicine. I started crying on the plane because i was so worried I was going to lose him. I was going over in my mind what life would be like without him if he died. I was so upset and though I couldnt live without him. Well I didnt want to live without him.

 

I took him down as an early present for his 21st because he wanted to see Brian Wilson playing. I also took him to see We Will Rock You because he loves Queen and has always wanted to see it. I took him on a Beatles walk thing. We just had an amazing time doing touristy things like goin on the London eye and spent ages walking about Hamleys having fun. It was probably one of the best weekends of my life. I could NEVER have predicted that this year we wouldnt be together, because we were so in love.

 

I cant understand life or why this has happened. I hate it. I hate me.

[bobsiesprincess]

my friend S really upset me 2nite........ this is the one who went on 2 dates with this girl that he didnt know b4 and hes obsessed with her and why she doesnt want to go out with him and so on and he keeps comparing it to my situation.

i never talk 2 him (or ne1 for that matter) about K or how lonely i feel generally. 2nite i did. the respose i got was i need 2 move on and that ive had every1 there 4 me.

firstly, i think im doing not bad at the moving on thing. i dont talk to ne of my friends about k ever. i use here to vent. ive been throwing myself in2 uni. i dont contact k. im trying my very best. but its not an instantaneous ur all better when u decide to move on thing. when u truly love someone its a long gradual process to get over them. it furstates me that no1 understands this who i know in real life. cos they havent been through it. maybe he should take a piece of advise and stop moping about over a girl he went on 2 dates with.

secondly, whos been here 4 me?? i havent had ne calls or texts? ppl havent been asking me to do things? id love to know who these ppl r hes talking about.

 

neway, ive learned my lesson. dont talk to ppl about how u feel cos theyll prob make u feel worse. its better keeping it 2 myself.

 

this girl at uni yesterday was REALLY annoying. i went to get my phone to text K and vent, cos thats what we both normally did, and realised i couldnt. little things like that i miss. no1 cares or will try and make me feel btr when things like that happen.

 

ive been completely NC with K for ....... prob 2 months now. this weekend ive been tempted to break it for the first time. id just love to know if he remembers what we were doing this time last year. how much fun we had and how special i made him feel.

i hope over christmas and new year he realises how good i was to him and misses me. i spoiled him rotten presents wise, did nice things for him, made him feel loved and helped him out alot. things his family wont do. i know for sure ill miss him. he treated me like a princess. i couldnt ask for anything more.

[bobsiesprincess]

ive been thinking about things and for the first time, i can notice the improvement in me. i worry though whether it is me healing, or if it is the ADs.

 

i find im alot more myself. for a while i felt like id completely lost my personality and i thought id never get it back. i was so depressed, quiet, introverted..........boring. but recently with my friends ive been able to enjoy their company. i have found myself laughing and smiling, which would never have happened 2-3 months ago. i didnt like being with people, i didnt communicate. if i did anything i said wasnt rational.

 

over lunch the other day, i started talking to my friends about how i dont know how 2 act with boys and ill be scared to meet sum1 else and to kiss them etc (i feel about 12 lol but lets face it ive only been with one guy over the past 2 years). one of the girls pointed out that i would never have even contemplated this a few weeks back. this is so true.

 

i also have a thing for this guy. although, thats not necessarily a good thing. i used to like him years ago. hes also just out of a long term relationship. we'd totally be rebounding on each other if anything was to happen, so id rather just keep our friendship than ruin it. but even feeling an attraction to sum1 is huge progress for me.

 

i also came to the conclusion that even if k came back, i wouldnt take him. i want him soooo much to want me back and realise hes made a huge mistake, but i would take him. i still love him, thats for sure but hes caused me too much pain. my family could never be the same with him after seeing what ive been through. i want sum1 who loves me so much that theyd never let me go. and honestly, i think i deserve it.

 

i also told my counsellor 2day i dont want to go back. i think its best 4 me. rather than focusing on K and everything that happened. i just want to 4get about it, or deal with it on my own in private.

 

im so lonely. but i dont want another bf during this uni year. i have so much work, i actually dont have time for a boy. plus im goin 2 america for 4 months next summer, then hopefully to spain for a year so i dont want to get attatched to sum1. i want to know im strong enough to be on my own. intrest from sum1 would help tho to boost my confidence a bit.

 

im by no means saying im better or im ok, cos im far from it. i still have really bad days, but i definetly dont cry half as much as i used to. but i can at least see that one day i will be ok. and i couldnt see that b4.

[bobsiesprincess]

wow im really down 2nite.

 

im more stressed about uni these days than k. i feel like ive just focused everything i have on uni so that i dont have to focus on k. but now i feel just as bad and just as lonely. ive put all this pressure on myself to get a 2.1 this year. on any other course i could get it no bother.... but im studying law, and its HARD. the level of classes i take are alot higher than on other courses. i sometimes wonder y i did this to myself. if i dont get a 2.1 i will be devastated.

 

ive always been like this. i put SOOOO much pressure on myself for my highers. i wanted 4 As and a B so i could get into law and that was it. i would have never 4given myself if id got any less even though i tried my very best.

 

i have an essay due in on thursday and since tuesday ive been trying to get it started and i cant. its so different from previous years and i cant get my head around it. its half sociology rather than law and everything analytical rather than descriptive n i just dont know if im cut out for this.

[bobsiesprincess]

i dont know how much more i can take. im so alone. i honestly dont feel like my life is worth living anymore. all i have is uni work. 24/7. and feeling down about how i look.

 

ive been so bored that ive realised its btr to have crap friends than none at all n i started to get in touch with ppl askin them 2 do somn. no doubt theyll have their excuses, but at least ive tried.

 

i cant take another weekned in alone. im 21 i shld be out having the time of my life. im never goin 2 meet ne1 else.

[princess_summer_blue84]

Girl first of all CALM THE HELL DOWN! goodness! It'll be ok! Just keep urself busy! Jeez!

[princess_summer_blue84]

Seek professional help please!

[bobsiesprincess]

Ive had a really stressful week uni wise. Which means less time to think about K which is a plus i guess.

 

I had an essay due in on Thursday. Its so different from the legal essays I've done for the past 3 years so I really struggled with it. It was far more analytical and was more of a sociology question. I spent so so much time on it, but just couldn't get it. I disappointed myself because I did so much research and focused 100% on it and still did a crappy job. I know I tried my hardest, but I guess my hardest isn't good enough which worries me.

 

The night b4 it was due in i was up til 5am. So the next day I was completely exhausted but had 2 get up early and get on with the essay. I eventually got to the I give up on this stage, my brain was dead. So I sorta wrapped things up and sent it away.

 

That night was J's 21st party. I had already decided I wasnt going because of how bad she has treated me. But my brother had all his friends over, and they were all going, and I guess everything just hit me at once again. I couldnt stop crying. Just stress over uni, missing K, feeling lonely, seeing other ppl live their lives and feeling like I have nothing. As it turns out R and his friends didnt end up going 2 the party. However, they got wrecked and were running about the house mad making so much noise. One of them was sick in a shoe and threw it out the window......lovely. So I never got to sleep til haf 4 or somn.

 

On friday I felt ILL. prob from the lack of sleep. I went in the town with my mum and gran in an atempt to finish my christmas shopping but it was manic. my grans quite posh, so i found it weird that she wanted to go to the pound shop. when we were in there she kept asking how much things were. lol. im like A POUND!!!!

 

last night I went out 4 dinner and drinks with a friend. got absolutely steamin. in this bar, these guys came and sat beside us, they were really sleazy and obv trying 2 chat us up. so we decided to leave. we were polite and just said we were going home n stuff n the next thing one of them was pure swearing at us, calling us slappers and so on. it really upset me, i was just thinking im never going 2 meet a nice guy...theyre all like that. he just couldnt handle the fact that we werent interested.

 

neway...2day im hungover and in the uni library, so i btr get on with it. so much catching up 2 do cos i spent so much time on that essay. *sigh*

[bobsiesprincess]

more than anything, i want to turn back time and have things work out 4 me and k and for us to get our happily ever after.

 

id give everything to have him lying beside me in bed, hugging me and looking in2 my eyes telling me how much i mean 2 him.

 

i miss him so much

[bobsiesprincess]

so a couple of girls from uni asked me 2 go out. as ne1 whos reading this is aware.....ive been so lonely and dying for sum1 to ask me to go out. but when it came to it i started panicing about everything. i was stressed bout what to wear, i thought i looked fat, worried about how ugly id look beside these girls and in the end i didnt go. i have to sort myself out. ive lost all my confidence completely. i dont really know how u build it up again.

 

sat in a food court in the shopping centre 2day myself for an hour n a half with christmas music playing........ how depressing!!

[bobsiesprincess]

I Love Gok Wan

[bobsiesprincess]

its snowing! im so excited. me n my mum went shopping for lights to put outside so im feeling really christmassy. wish i could just watch movies instead of doing this essay. yuck!

[bobsiesprincess]

the essay aint going so well so i thought id come back.

 

i wana write a post about on of my favourite people in the whole world. SL was in my year in high school. I was a "good girl" - good marks, never in much trouble, hung about with other "good people" SL was the ultimate ned. u know those neds that r like famous in ur area cos they have such a reputation.... that was him. the whole town knew who he was. all the girls fancied him, cos u know how every1 loves a bad boy! we never ever crossed paths during school, never spoke a word 2 each other. my only memory of SL from school was one day in the playground all these scary ned guys from another school came in looking 2 fight SL n they were all throwing metal dustbins at each other n stuff.

 

fastforward a good few years n i was working part time in a call centre. SL was full time so we never crossed paths. then one day he joined my team. he didnt look neddy nemore, but i knew his reputation, and he was still chummy with all the neds so i never bothered with him and he never bothered with me. one day in work i had on a Ramones tshirt, so SL started talking to me about music. weve been such good buddies ever since.

 

he is one of the nicest most genuine ppl i have EVER come accross. hes not like i imagined him 2 be at all. its amazing how people change........ he spoke to me about how he regrets the way he was in school, he wishes he was at uni or somn like me, he wishes hed talked to people like me in school, he says he wishes he was brought up like me (he swears alot and talks really rough, but i talk more proper and he says it sounds much nicer!)

 

i remember one day in work i got shouted at off the boss 4 somn completely not my fault. he threw an absolute fit! he threw his headset down n stood up and was like "for sake imagine talking 2 her like that shes the nicest person in this place" blahblah. not many of my friends would stick up for me or defend me like that.

 

weve lived two completely different lives so our conversations r always so interesting. he asks me so many questions. he tells me so many stories, about times hes been set up by ppl and had guys come and stab him. he talks openly to me about how hes dependant on alcohol and hes been told if he doesnt stop drinking he'll die. that makes me sad. cos i love the boy, wouldnt want nething 2 happen 2 him. hes told me bout times he though his gf was pregnant n stuff. we just talk about anything and everything. hes so so funny.

 

when i left my job, he was the only person who got me a card or anything. he wrote a pure lovely msg in it saying how hell miss me and im one of the nicestppl hes ever come accross, n he got me a box of chocs n a bottle of vodka. it made me cry, i so didnt expect it!

 

i love when people we both know work out were friends. the look on their face is always priceless, cos we really are the most unlikely ppl to be friends.

 

since ive left, weve kept in touch by text, but obv were from two completely different worlds so havent crossed paths. i went to his gig the other night tho......... hes an AMAZING musician. i was so shocked. his songs r well catchy and he has some voice. and the complete rock n roll attitude! it was great to see him and get a hug from sum1 who actually cares about me. he said how much he luvs me and misses me and really appreciated me goin 2 c the gig, and it meant so much 4 him 2 say that! wish i could c him more. gonae go 2 all his gigs from now on! it was actually a really god night generally, i got a wee bitty drunk and had lotsa fun. but i was sad the next day cos i wish i could have that more!

[bobsiesprincess]

i passed my driving test 2day. ive been dying 2 drive for sooo sooo long. hopefully this is the start of things going right for me and my life turning round.

 

it was sort of bitter sweet. i shocked! my pre test was so so bad it was the worst ive ever driven then my test was like perfect........ only 5 minors. so i was exstatic. then i got home, and realised i havent got k to share it with. we spoke so much about what we would do when i passes n stuff. i know i wlda bn spending 2day with him in the car.

 

it woulda been ok if i had sum1 2 do stuff with i guess, but every1s on holiday or working/studying. so i just drove about myself all day. going to pick up my friend soon tho.

 

man i hate bras! they never measure u right. every shop they tell u a dramatically different size. grrrr!