longhaircats Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I didn't see this is coming and I'm in shock. Also I cannot believe I'm here again...Please let me vent. My boyfriend of 4 months just dumped me over the email, saying that he realized that his ex is the one for him and they are planning their future together. Okay, background. His ex (25) and him (24) broke up in Feb. He left her because she neglected him and never tried to see him after she went back to her country after graduation for 8 months (they were together for 1 year). We met in a party in early June while I was in the US. It was one week before I was leaving for UK where I study, and we were apart for 6 weeks but we kept in touch. I didn't take him seriously at first because he was a lot younger than me (10+), plus I am not sure where I would be 6 month from now (yes I have very unstable life, being a part-time PhD student, and having two jobs) but he chased me hard and even came to visit me in the UK, so I gave in. When I return to the US in July, we saw each other almost every day and he was all over me. He introduced me as his girlfriend at his birthday party in August, and things were pretty good. I admit that he talked about his ex too much. He was saying that his ex was controlling and he could not breathe and he is so much happier with me, because I am prettier, stronger, smarter, and better cook and great in bed. We had some big fights over his ex about a month ago when his ex found out that we were dating and she wanted him back so badly. She sent him very nasty emails, telling him that all her friends hate him and she hates him by doing this to her. She also told him that he should see a mental doctor because he is dating such an old woman (me!). I am quite attractive and smart, and am quite confident about myself, so I was not intimidated by his ex at all (plus thought that she is a bit crazy!), but she picked one thing that I cannot change--my age. He did not stand up for me when she said those nasty things and I should see this as a red flag. He became very distant from me the moment I left the city 2 weeks ago. I thought that this was because he did not want to do a long-distant relationship again. Also he is looking for his job and there was a chance that he might take a job in China. So he told me last week that he feels sorry for not being affectionate towards me but he wants to focus on his job and he wants to keep a bit distance from me until he comes back from China (just visiting to see if he wants to move there). And now this. His email was so cruel and did not say a single word saying sorry to hurt my feelings. He didn't seem even care how I feel. The last sentence was this: "It will not be inconvenient for me to drop off your stuff somewhere but I do not think it is necessary for us to meet. " I am very disapointed, sad and feel used. I want my stuff back but I feel disgusted and I never ever want to talk to him. What shall I do? I was a good girlfriend and what did I do to be treated this way? Link to comment
buckdawg Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 o boy i'm so sorry for you. this guy chewed you up and spit you out. obviously the easy thing is to say you're better off but you probably know that already and it's not helping yet. no one deserves to be treated like you were and i'm sorry that someone who seemed so nice and caring could turn into such a dirtbag. Link to comment
Taking The Lead Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 If you believe in anything greater then yourself, he'll get what's coming to him. Link to comment
ultraviolet Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 No one deserves to be treated this way. I'm sorry this is happening to you longhaircats. I know this is little consolation to you now, but this thought has helped me in the past: It's better you find out now what kind of a guy he truly is, before you married him. People will tell you to take the high road. Knowing myself, I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he hurt me, so I'd probably send a friend to get my things. But you might just be the sort who need to get in a last word. What feels right to you? Link to comment
jul-els Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I'm so sorry to hear he ended things that way. Nobody ever deserves to be treated like that. It's not your fault that he is a tactless jerk. I would just email him back asking where you can pick your stuff up at a time when he won't be there and not speak to him again. Just sever it permanently. It will take time to heal, but you will be much happier once you have. Keep your chin up. Hugs. Link to comment
love4life Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Taking the Lead is right. Karma's a ! You're better off without him. And, trust me, international LDRs are NOT easy (tried that once with a Navy BF who was stationed in Bahrain). Link to comment
BYOB Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 If I told you that treason exists since nineteen ninety nine, would you believe me ? Why ? Questions of morale are also old. How about all of those chinese proverbs ? Were they invented for no particular reason ? I can't speak of anything perfect enough that it will make you smile, I know that. However, I want you to know that I read you and I thank you. Sharing this difficulty also lets me grow from that experience. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 What a jerk! One thought is that maybe his gf has his password to email so he had to control what he said (but of course email after 4 months is a complete cop out!) Maybe, could you have a friend e-mail him on your behalf re: where to drop your stuff off as in "Hi, i'm a friend of [ ] - she received your e-mail but is very busy and wanted to make sure you returned her things to [location]. thank you and please reply to me if you have any questions." Link to comment
BetterKarma Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Just send him a one sentence reply. "Please mail my stuff to me. Thanks. " Link to comment
longhaircats Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 Thanks everyone for your quick responce. I feel like puking now, I just cannot believe this is the same person as I know. He told me 3 days ago that he really misses me and loves me A part of me wants to send an email to say how hurtful he is and want to make him regret sending this to me, but a part of me just want to stay away from him. I know I'm not rational at the moment, so I should not do anyithing, right? Link to comment
love4life Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 longhair, you got it! When in doubt, do nothing!! Mixed feelings? Don't do ANYTHING! But you need to get your feelings out, so write them down, draft a letter to him, but don't send it. There's actually thread on this forum called "Letters to exes" so if you need that relief of pushing "send" post it on here! Link to comment
Wandering_Sword Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Sorry to hear about what you're going through. You have the right idea by not seeing him again. You deserve none of this and he will learn what he has lost when his EX gets him back and tosses him back out again. Take care of yourself and were all here for you Link to comment
longhaircats Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 If you believe in anything greater then yourself, he'll get what's coming to him. Hi, could you elaborate on this? Link to comment
longhaircats Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 longhair, you got it! When in doubt, do nothing!! Mixed feelings? Don't do ANYTHING! But you need to get your feelings out, so write them down, draft a letter to him, but don't send it. There's actually thread on this forum called "Letters to exes" so if you need that relief of pushing "send" post it on here! Hey, thanks for saying this. I really really want to tell him how I feel but I know I shouldn't, because I don't want to be like his ex who tells nasty things to him. (He defended her telling me that she said it because she was hurting) I'm mad at myself too, because I ignored the red flags. He doesn't deserve me!! If wish I broke it off first when he started acting weired. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Thanks everyone for your quick responce. I feel like puking now, I just cannot believe this is the same person as I know. He told me 3 days ago that he really misses me and loves me A part of me wants to send an email to say how hurtful he is and want to make him regret sending this to me, but a part of me just want to stay away from him. I know I'm not rational at the moment, so I should not do anyithing, right? He does not deserve to hear anything from you other than the logistics of getting your stuff back. Link to comment
longhaircats Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 He does not deserve to hear anything from you other than the logistics of getting your stuff back. Thank you so much and I know this! But is it a bad idea to tell him what I feel because I never gonna see him again? I wrote a draft email like this. Dear J, You became very distant from me the moment I left DC, which pretty much told me that something was going on with you. It was totally unnecessary to tell me that you are getting back together with ex, because it just hurts my feelings. I rather wanted to think that you wanted a break due to the distance or you decided to go to China for work. I was very sad you became hot to cold all the sudden. What strikes me the most is that you didn’t say a single word to say sorry to me and you don’t seem to even care how I feel. I’m not a bag of potatoes and I have feelings and emotions. Anyway, I respect your decision and I trust whatever you choose in life is good for you. We all get what we deserve. I had a great summer with you. You made me feel like I was 19 years old again. You made me feel so happy and loved. I was very impressed with your ambitions to improve yourself and was very touched with your affection towards me. I was scared to show it but I was crazy about you and thought that I could really be with you. I was able to open up my heart again, and I was thanking you for that. I’m not good at communicating in person or on the phone, so I wanted you to know this just in case you didn’t know it. It hurts now but I know in time I will be fine. I would appreciate if you could drop off my stuff between December 8th and 14th, so that nobody will be at my apartment. You could hide my keys somewhere too. Good luck with everything. XXX Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I wouldn't give him the benefit of your feelings. At most I would write: Thank you for your e-mail. [one sentence re dropping off stuff]. I wish you the best. Take care. Link to comment
buckdawg Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Fixed it for you: Dear J, You're a douchebag! Piss off! Better? Seriously. don't get all mushy with him. keep it sterile. you'll be fine in no time at all. look at all you've accomplished to this point. keep your chin up! Link to comment
longhaircats Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 His email was sterile and that's what gets me. Here is what he wrote: XXXX I have had some time to reflect and realize my heart isn’t into the relationship anymore. I had fun and will remember the good times we had. But I need to move on and I think that is what is best for me. I have realized that my ex is the right one for me and we are planning our future together. It will not be inconvenient for me to drop off your stuff somewhere but I do not think it is necessary for us to meet. J I'm so angry now!! I want to wrap him around with red ribbon and send it right back to his ex with FedEx!!! Link to comment
buckdawg Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 stay with us stay with us!!! don't do anything you'll regret. it's ok to be angry just don't DO anything right now. btw, here's the perfect reply to his email. don't even address it to him. just say: k that's it. a simple recognition of his email. don't let him know that you're guts are upside down. he resigned the right, THE PRIVILEGE, to care about you when he lodged his head up his * * * *. Link to comment
longhaircats Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 stay with us stay with us!!! don't do anything you'll regret. it's ok to be angry just don't DO anything right now. btw, here's the perfect reply to his email. don't even address it to him. just say: k that's it. a simple recognition of his email. don't let him know that you're guts are upside down. he resigned the right, THE PRIVILEGE, to care about you when he lodged his head up his * * * *. You mean, just say "OK" in my reply? I don't want to say anything I regret, but his ex said nasty things to him and he still wants her back!! Aghhh!! He has no self esteem?? Link to comment
buckdawg Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 yeah! let him think it took you 30 seconds to get over him. and trust me as a former low self-esteemer you didn't want any part of him anyways. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I have to say I LOVE the "k" response. Not ok, just..... k. Ok?? Link to comment
Hearts Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I'm sorry to hear what you had been put trough I feel for you. I can understand the reason of the anger you have towards him, the guys who cannot break up properly or who breaks up cowardly is plainly annoying and jerks in my opinion. But from what I have read so far, he sounded like you were a rebound since you said he kept mentioning about his ex and comparing you with her, telling you that you are better than her it just sounds like he was trying to convince himself he doesn't need his ex and he can do better than his ex although he knows it's not true for himsef deep down. Well don't get me wrong here, I don't tell you are worse or better than his ex but I'm trying to tell I think he was in a denial of his break up with her ex during you two were in the relationship. So based on this I think what he did to you was reasonable, saying I love you other day and becoming the coldest person ever next day towards you as he sees a little flash of hope to be together with his ex. What he did to you is totally wrong while he was feeling that way, getting into a relationship with you while he was still feeling for his ex and the break up he made is another thing, he could have done it better, what he did was so cowardly, he is just a jerk who doesn't care about others feelings. Link to comment
longhaircats Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 Thanks guys. I will not do anything tonight. I have to chill out and think what's the best for me. I will prob write a simple email to him about my stuff a few days later. I have an urge to make him regret what he did to me (I don't know how). I want him to grow up and someday he realized what he's lost. I know he still have feelings for me, but I know his old feelings for his ex was stonger at the moment. They are going to meet after being apart for 10 months and maybe he realized that he made a mistake, who knows? People change all the time, and I don't want to waste my time wondering about other people's feelings that I have no control over. My time is precious and there is alway someone who cares about me and loves me. I know there will be a time when I feel weak, but I know I'm not alone! Link to comment
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