Forgive her or not?

[savagegerbil1607306442]

Hi, my story is really complicated, I hope I can describe it as best as I can....

 

It started when I saw a new employee at work, she seemed like she needed a friend. She kept to herself and every time I saw her I never saw her with anyone else. When I got the chance, I asked her if she would like to go to lunch and from there our friendship began. I was attracted to her physically but I didnt want anything more then friendship. At the time I was having hardships with relationships. It turns out she was engaged and had a child. I didnt think anything of it, I only wanted to be her friend. Well we know how this goes....

 

I learned more about her and her fiance, he is a monster. physically/emotional/drug abusive prick. I cared so much for her and my feelings for her changed. I had only known her for a short while so I didnt feel comfortable with trying to break up the wedding. I knew it wasnt right and so did she but because of pressures and guilts and this and that she went ahead with it. I accepted her and I would only be friends from that point on and went on with my life.

 

We remained friends but she developed feelings for me, well at least I believe they were genuine feelings. We admitted our feelings for each other over the course of a few months, and I wanted so much to be with her, but she was so confused about everything in her life. I began to grow angry at her choices to stay with him, I felt like I was being used and taken for granted. I started to change from the caring guy she grew to like into an insecure little man. Eventually, our relationship dithered so far down I didnt trust her anymore. It turns out they have cheated on each other so many times before, and he is still cheating on her to this day.

 

I became so disgusted by the whole situation I told her she needed to make a choice, him or me, and if it wasnt me then to never talk to me again. She chose her marriage, said she had to try even though she knew it wouldnt work out. We havent spoken since. She has done some horrible things to me and treats people badly. She is a bad person but god I love her so much, and I forgive her for everything she has done to me. but I dont trust her...... she wants the old friendship but I cant help but think our whole relationship was built on lies and dishonesty. And I dont see her as just a friend anymore, it's was more then that.

 

I dont know why she chooses to stay with him knowing he is cheating, knowing full well there was a guy willing to give her the world. It makes me feel like some drug head prick is better then me. I have slowly been realizing lots of mystakes made and things said. I was getting over it.... until she emailed me saying she misses me so much. I dont know if this is just a manipulation ploy to get me back in her power, or if it's real. I know she needs someone in her life to show her what a true friendship is about, what a true love is about, but I am so jaded I dont know if I can forgive her or not for her choices in life..... her friends are a joke, half pretend like there is no problem, the other half she pushes away cause she doesnt want to hear the truth (which happened to me). her family thinks there is magic between them and they should be together (yeah, some magic when he hits ya, you see stars)

 

My friends say stay away, so does my family. But she needs someone to show her, to push her in the right direction. she needs so much help and I feel like I am he only one who see's it. She knows something is terribly wrong but everything about her has been grinded down to nothing because of his abuse and the manipulation of him, her family, and her friends.

 

what do you think? there is so much more to this story, but it would take days to write it all out. there are complications to complications to complications. I want to give up on it all, but I also want to see her happy for once in a long long time.

 

Btw, we have never been intimate with one another or kissed. Appearently I am the only guy who wasnt after her for sex or tried taking advantage of her. I dont know if thats why she has feelings for me.... or if I am just someone she cant have.

[Neo7]

Ouch! Dude this one is a real tough one. There are a couple things you need to consider though. First off, she has a child with this guy this I'm sure was a determining factor on why she chose marriage and him over you. Most mothers want the best thing for their child and having a father there everyday helps a lot. Regardless if he hits her or treats her like crap, she is to blind to see that now b/c all she is thinking about is givng her baby a father. However, from what you say this girl has some MAJOR self-esteem problems and makes very bad choices. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said the reason she is attracted to you is b/c you've never used her and have always been nice to her etc. I really dont know waht to tell ya. You have to realize she does have a kid and you may be crazy about this girl but are you crazy enough to have a child in your life also? Think of all the financial and emotional contraints that comes along with that. I"m not trying to discourage you or saying what your doing is dumb. I'm merely trying to look at that big picture and point out all the problems you may be faced with if you two "get together". I would be their for her and suggest MAJOR COUNSELING for herself. Set up an appointment for her and go with her if you have to. This girl has to build her self-esteem up first before she can do anything. Its admirable that your trying to help this girl out. But I would definitely safe first and foremost she need some help before you can move in and consider or even mention her leaving her husband for you. IF the conselilng is good and she gets her self-esteem back she may just leave him on her own and then they'll you'll be seeing her through it the whole way. Good luck. I'll be intersted to see how it goes.

[Shy_Guy]

Unfortunately, you've discovered one of the most difficult aspects to trying to help someone who you KNOW is in trouble - They have to WANT to be helped. No matter how painful the situation is for them, and how excruciating it is for us as friends to observe the pain they are putting themselves through, sometimes, that pain or that treatment is all they know. For whatever reason, they have resigned themselves to the NOTION (not fact, although they themselves believe it as fact) that there's no way out of their present situation. It's unfortunate, because there IS help available, and a better way to live, it's just that their views are distorted by very behaviors which are damaging to them in the first place. As a friend, is there anything you can realistically do? You have to let them know you're there for them, but in an unconditional way. If they even one time find you to be unreliable, they will discard you, and your offers of aid in a heartbeat. They're not doing this out of spite, anger, or malice, but rather that in their mind, they can't trust you. Also, at some point you have to realize that until THEY are ready to 'come in out of the rain' so to speak, there's nothing you can do but leave the light on and the door unlocked for them. It's THEY who have to decide to come in. Be supportive, and try to stay in their life, in an unobtrusive way, but stay in touch, and let them know they can rely on you!

 

Good luck.

[savagegerbil1607306442]

There have been numerous times she has found me unreliable, not that I wasnt there for her in any way, but my patiance grew thin when it came to her and her inconsistant feelings for me and him. She wants us both, and she would go back and forth on who she wanted. She feels it's not fair to me while she tries to work things out. And I dont see the point in her making me wait cause she knows it's not going to work out. I think she is holding on to something, hope I guess, that he will change or something, which makes me feel like dirt cause she wants him more then me. But she doesnt want to let me go. I wont stand around while she puts me on the sideline while he "tries to be good", to come to me only when he is treating her badly. I deserve more then that.

 

we havent spoken in two weeks.... I was doing really good until she emailed me. Why would she say that??? I can only assume he messed up again and she is in dispair again. I want to so badly go to her but she will never figure it out if she keeps relying on people to be there, for her to use, and give her strangth.

 

Everyone in her life abandones her, and the people who stay in her life are not good for her. Her own mother went through this for 20 years, and she still pushes for her child to stick it out, "things will get better".... I wish she could see it wont get better, it will only seem not so bad when she gets used to it. I believe the way her life is all she knows, and she doesnt want to let that go. It makes me so sick!

 

how can anyone be like that? how can someone be so selfish...

[chakka]

Savage, I disagree with some of the above replies.

 

I don't think it is your job to fix this girl.

And I don't think there was anything wrong with how you lost patience with her. She is very self centered to think that YOU are unreliable just because you occasionally get sick of her messing with you.

 

You need to examine why you have accepted this treatment, and why you were so affected by her email.

You shouldn't give her this power over you.

You will never be able to find a good relationship if you keep falling back into this pattern with her.

 

 

If there were no romantic baggage with you guys, I would say - fine, offer help, if she accepts great, if not - her loss.

But she is not just some down-on-her-luck friend you are trying to help out. She has a romantic hold on you, and this will keep YOU from being happy.

 

Her problems are not yours. She is definitely being manipulative.

Why shouldn't she send you an email and keep you interested? It doesn't COST her anything. But does she actually DO anything to get together with you in an exclusive romantic relationship? No. If she wanted to be with you enough, she would be.

My guess is she likes this relationship just the way it is.

 

She has problems, but she also has control over you, so you are in no position to help her.

FORGET her. If she contacts you, remind yourself that she doesn't really want to be with you. And personally, I'm not sure what on earth you see in her.

 

I'm not saying don't forgive her. You can still forgive her in your heart if you want.

Just chalk it up to her problems, and let it go.

But whether you forgive her or not, I can't see any reason to stay in contact with her.

 

You deserve real love, areal relationship.

 

Good Luck

[savagegerbil1607306442]

Chakka, thanks! Your words made a lot of things clear for me. As far as I am concerned, she can accept her misery or she can get out of it on her own.

 

Axe03, no, thats what I get for wanting to help someone, I'll be sure not to make that mistake again!

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

She is e-mailing you cuz you do mean something to her and she does miss you. It's usual for people to appreciate people who they like a lot more once they are no longer a part of their life. However this woman sounds very selfish to the core. Regardless of where it's from (low self-esteem etc) she will manipulate you emotionally into staying interested without getting in a closer position where she might get rejected or hurt. Stay away from her until you are totally over her. Then contact her only to see if she is alright and cosider whether she will ever again deserve your friendship.

[WArrior458]

I will write something short and simple but i hope this will help.....

 

Forgive her...But move on.

 

Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable, and still feeling hurt,

I believe that forgiveness is a step of healing.Forgiving doesn't mean that

you will fall into their trap again or continue feeling the same way about them..It doens't mean you got to continue talking to them it means removing resentments and healing urself..When you forgive you do it for you, not for the other

 

"What?" you say! "Cut them some slack after what THEY did to me? Never!" Let go! Move on!

 

You deserve better, someone who will Love you and show you, Someone who won't be confuse and knows wat the want, somene who won't be ashame to say I love you and i want to marry you, someone who doesn't have a low self-esteem and would want to bring you down to their level, you need someone who will lift your spirit and vice versa....

 

That is my suggestion but it is up to you do do it ...I hope this helps

 

Lot's of love and Blessings ...Peace!!