lostwithouthim Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 I'm a young (30s) professional. My partner and I had been together for almost 9 years, until his untimely death 5 days ago. After returning from having dinner with friends, a drunk driver traveling at high speed on the wrong side of the road smashed into us killing my partner instantly. I was able to get out of the car on my own and even though I was very dazed I was only concerned about his well being. Six hours later I was informed of his death (they waited to tell me bc the doctors were afraid my fast heart rate was related to a physical condition--turns out it was anxiety). I sustained minor injuries to my body, but my heart is crushed. We love(d) each other SO much and did absolutely everything together. Less than a week later I find myself in our large home, completely alone with absolutely no desire to live without him. I am not suicidal, but simply have no earthly idea how to begin accepting the fact that he is gone. A huge number of people are expressing their genuine sympathy--he was a spectacular human being (I'm finding that to be even more true now). I have cried myself dry and yet I know I have not touched even the tip of the iceberg with my grief. I am completely numb. I need to know I am not the only gay man who has lost his partner in an unexpected way. Please share your experiences and any tips for grieving/healing. I know I am only at the very beginning of a process that will take years to get through, but I want to start off on the right path. Thank you Link to comment
adore Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 oh my god. i'm not a gay man, but my heart goes out to you. i'm so sorry that you are going through this. you are in my thoughts. adore Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 welcome to enotalone BIG HUGS I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It is a profound loss, and it's ok to take all the time you need to mourn your partner. You had a great love, and know that he loved you up until the end, and that he wants you to be happy again. Take your time, do what feels right for you. there is no one path through grief. big hugs again. vent here any time you need. we are here to listen. Link to comment
Cassie Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 Lostwithouthim ... welcome to eNotalone. Your partner will always remain alive in your heart and through your memories and experiences with him. As he looks after you from another place, remember how much he loves you. Although you feel trapped in an empty and hollow daze, he would not wish to see you continually suffering. Lostwithouthim, you are not alone. *warm hugs* Take each moment at a time, and focus on being extremely kind to yourself right now. Link to comment
PeanutButter Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 aww this made me cry. im sorry to hear as well and hope you feel better. i hope everything will work out for you. i dont know what you done, but you thought of cremation to turn the ashes into a ring. well to have him with you forever instead of just in the ground. no one visits ppl in the ground anymore. i hope you feel better!! i hope someone can help you out.. that really sucks, nine years. im sorry. ='[ Link to comment
jevonj77 Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 OH, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine losing the love of my life in this fashion...it would take a very long time for me to get back to my usual self and I might . I wish you all the best and want you to know that you will get through this. After you have grieved properly, you will be able to pick yourself back up and go on with life... Don't hesitate to write on this website as much as you feel necessary. The entire online community will be more than willing to answer and help as much as they can. Link to comment
skyjuice Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 Hi Sorry to hear that. I believe your passed away partner would hope that you would get on with your life. Live a life that make him proud. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 Oh, dude... the world can bring such grief. But I guess if we were immortal, the time spent in the arms of a friend or lover wouldn't be quite as sweet. Damn, I just made myself cry. I went way inside for that one. Anyway, you've come to the right place in such a tragic time, and I hope you'll stay a while. There are many caring people here; straight, gay, and all shades in between (and possibly even an asexual or two), who are always willing to lend an ear and offer comments that may be of use to you. No one can take the pain away, but we will try and help you find a way to live with it. Welcome to our corner; please feel free to stick around. If you'd like to tell us a little bit about your partner's life as a tribute at such time as you can manage it, I, for one, would love to hear about him. We carry on, so they'll be remembered. Link to comment
CynicalGuitarist Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 I'm really sorry about that. I know sorry won't make everything better, and that losing a loved one leaves a big, ugly permanent scar, especially when you're with them shortly before they die, but he isn't dead. Sure, his physical self is dead, but his spirit and his existence and everything about him lives on... inside of everyone he's affected. So, I say take skyjuice's advice and live on. Link to comment
lostwithouthim Posted September 9, 2007 Author Share Posted September 9, 2007 Where do I begin? He was absolutely amazing! He was the most brilliant person I'd ever met. He read an average of 5 books a week--cover to cover, on different topics (microbiology, fiction, religion, politics, satire, classical literature, ...)--and remembered every detail of what he read. The town's librarians even sent a condolence letter with stories of recent visits/interactions. He was by no means a geek--ok, well maybe a little bit, but that's what made him so charming. He was so afraid to venture out and try something new when we first met, yet by the end of our time together we'd been to Japan, all over Europe, the Caribbean, Canada & the US. 8 yrs ago he was so unsure of himself in public settings and I watched him become someone who could command an entire room with his smile or with one of his elaborately embellished stories. No one ever really knew how much of his stories were truth and how much was fiction, but no one ever cared--they were so entertaining. When we would begin work on a project renovating/restoring our old home he would always say to me "why don't you show me how to do this?"--knowing full well I would get on a roll and finish it. Almost every time I asked him if he wanted something to eat or drink, he would say 'no', only to change his mind when he saw my food or drink--I learned to prepare him the same even as the question rolled off my tongue. Out at a restaurant he always preferred what I had ordered over his own meal. His great big green eyes acting as his "puppy eyes" meant that he almost always got what he wanted, but not undeservedly. I'll share more later. Thank you for all your replies...I know I need to pick up where we left off at some point, but my life has been stripped bare of its color for the time being. Link to comment
Kristen 18x Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 i am so sorry to hear that my love and prayers go out to you. Link to comment
ftheunion Posted September 21, 2007 Share Posted September 21, 2007 I ain't into gay rights or anything, but that is just intense. Doesn't matter in that case. Sorry for the loss. It ain't right. Maybe philosophy would help. Link to comment
Up and Down Posted September 21, 2007 Share Posted September 21, 2007 This is so sad. My deepest condolences to you. Link to comment
beauty21 Posted September 21, 2007 Share Posted September 21, 2007 Lostwithouthim, I am SO sorry. I don't even know what that feels like. Keep your head up, and take care of yourself. Link to comment
lostwithouthim Posted September 22, 2007 Author Share Posted September 22, 2007 my own injuries from the accident, although very minor in the grand scheme of things, are in some way distracting me from really dealing with my partner's loss. It still doesn't feel real, 3 weeks later and I still feel like he's going to walk in the door. My body is still in so much physical pain and friends and family have been stopping by and calling so much that I've had so little time to even deal with--or little desire for that matter--to deal with bills, paperwork, lawyers, insurance, etc... All of the daily "business" related to the accident and my partner's death is keeping me from truly facing the immense depth and complexity of his absense. We had so many plans for our life together and I truly thought I would have him by my side for decades to come. No matter how much I've cried I know I haven't tapped even the smallest part of my grief. I'm so grateful for all the compassion and support I've been getting from both strangers and friends. Thank you. Link to comment
redrose85 Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 I don't even know what to say...I'm so sorry. *hugs* grieving takes a long time, I know that, and there is no direct route, so it will be awhile before you begin feeling somewhat normal again. But because he loved you so much, he would want you to be happy, and to carry on, day by day. "Almost every time I asked him if he wanted something to eat or drink, he would say 'no', only to change his mind when he saw my food or drink--I learned to prepare him the same even as the question rolled off my tongue. Out at a restaurant he always preferred what I had ordered over his own meal. His great big green eyes acting as his "puppy eyes" meant that he almost always got what he wanted, but not undeservedly." I loved this part lol Link to comment
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