just when I think I'm getting stronger...

[bdub]

She had a history of dealing with painful subjects in poor ways. While we were together, she always had some drama on her mind. Whether with a roommate or her boss, it never seemed to end. In most cases, she was not wrong to be upset at a person for what they had done to her, but I always felt that she held on to that resentment way too long and it seemed to drive her. She just didn't seem to understand that people are going to hurt you in life. Both intentionally and unintentionally. But the strength of your character dictates how well you are able to deal with it and move on. If you aren't able to forgive people, then the pain and hatred you feel toward them will be what drives you, instead of peace and love. I have always chosen love as my driving force, but she does not. Many times I thought to myself that she hurts herself by not forgiving, but I always thought that I was above her wrath, that our relationship was somehow different and that we had a better understanding of each other. Wow, but I was blind.

 

I have a question though. We both go to school at the same university. My brother also goes here and studies the same subject as me. Him and I frequent a specific spot in the library to study and work on assignments and such. A few weeks after we got back to school, he saw her there a few times. Keep in mind, she knew that I'd likely be in this place, and there are hundreds of other places in the library to go, not to mention other places on campus that she could go. She never used the library much while we were together, either. So I wonder what her motivation was for going to my spot? Its almost like she was standing outside my front door.

 

She called me once to bring back some of the stuff I had of hers, and we talked like friends for awhile, then I started talking about the relationship. That was before I knew about this site, and I was pretty desperate. I don't know if she was in the library before or after that meeting, but she was pretty dead set on not being around me that night.

 

Sorry for the long post, but while I'm on the subject of asking for opinions: I bought this book for her father that we had been looking for him for several months before we broke up. After we broke up, I found the book online and I bought it. It arrived here, and I didn't really know what to do with it. Finally, one night I called her up and said "I have the book that your Dad has been looking for. Do you want it?" I told her that she didn't have to tell him it was from me, but since I know he wanted it, and I had it, that he should get it. She didn't seem to know what to say, and finally said I should return it. Then a few weeks later, she sends the group mailing list an email saying that she had a great present for her parents figured out, but that she couldn't give it to them because it wasn't appropriate anymore (sparing you the details). She wanted to know if anybody had any ideas of what she should give them. I wanted to scream YES!!! BUT YOU REJECTED IT ONCE. But I didn't respond. I still have the book. I haven't talked or seen her since.

 

Opinions anybody?

bdub

[Cougar]

Bdub,

 

The fact that you attend the same university may make total no contact somewhat difficult. However, what I would suggest is that you go total no contact with this girl. I don't know what her motivation is for showing up to your spot at the library. Perhaps she wants to keep the friendship or keep the option of you alive. One way people keep that option open is to keep in contact with you. In other words, they dangle the carrot in front of you so that you will keep hope alive and then they go on with their lives.

 

What I would suggest for you is to stay away from her and work on letting go. I can't tell you how much easier no contact makes your life. I've had no contact with my ex for two weeks and haven't actually seen him in three. It's the better way to go. Having to see them/talk to them keeps you ensared in the web, keeps your hope alive and so on. You need to get away from the dog that is biting you in order for the bite to heal.

 

As for the book, sell it on ebay or return it or whatever. Also, you may want to unsubscribe from the group mailing list for awhile. Yeah, it may seem unfair that you should have to do that when she's the one who dumped you, but honestly, it's just another way you are keeping her in your line of sight.

 

No contact is almost always suggested because it works. Healing your heart means getting away from the pain that is causing the problem. In all of our cases, that pain is our exs.

 

Good luck. It's not easy. Moving on is always a difficult process, but it is worth it in the end.

 

- Cougar

[bdub]

I didn't mean to suggest by my last post that I'm holding on to anything. I have moved on and in fact I have been in total no contact for about 3 months. I read the emails that come my way from the group mailing list, but they don't really bother me. She doesn't hurt me anymore because I don't let her. All the things that I talked about it the last post happened at least 3 months ago, and I didn't respond to any of them.

 

One weekend, about 2 months ago, some of our mutual friends came to town, but they didn't tell me they were coming. I didn't find out until after they were gone that they were even here. Turns out two of them stayed with the ex and thats the reason they didn't call me. I found out later that they wanted to call and invite me to go out with them, but didn't because she said that she would just stay home if they invited me. Since they were staying with her, they chose to go with her instead of me. Its one of the things that she said she woulnd't do, to make our friends choose between us, but turns out thats EXACTLY what she's doing. Like you said earlier, Cougar, some people can't handle being in a committed adult relationship and resort to petty and spiteful ways of dealing with people they claimed to love. I wish for everybody's sake that she could just grow up a little and move on.

 

bdub

[Luv_Suks]

Hey everyone

 

HOpe everyone is well (under the circumstances), I've been trying to follow this thread while being away on vacation and its been incredible to see so many people relate to SF_mikes plight and post up your own heartbreak stories, it's never easy trying to express with words how the pain of breakup feels. I empathise with everyone here and only wish time is helping to heal.

 

As for me, well, i haven't posted since leaving for Asia/Australia way back in early Nov. Prior to that my breakup had been for a good 7 months or so, a relatively long time really to still have been hanging onto false hope, but thats exactly what I felt I was still doing - hanging on like a lost soul with no purpose. Like so many others here, the breakup had come as a complete surprise and shock, no closure felt on my part, just a deep sense of betrayal of trust and love. I truly empathise with those of you whose breakups are still fresh and badly hurting, my heart goes out to you.

 

SF_mike, read your posts, your strength was inspiring, and like others here, i respect the way you've handled your breakup with maturity, and understanding towards your ex, i don't honestly think I could've held up so well in your circumstances, seems like such a waste that your ex couldn't quite feel that last 5% connection (you had mentioned the other 95% was dead on for her). I personally think it will definitely be her loss and some other (lucky) womans gain cuz you seem like such a decent guy. Maybe she'll truly realise it some day, maybe she won't, either way your life seems back on track and we've all got to learn to move forward - something I've finally found the strength and courage to do. I just logged back on for the first time today since being back and to my surprise had two private messages (good to know I've made some new friends!). Just wanted to share some wise words of advice given to me in one of the messages:

 

"Hope you are finding it easier as it goes. Sure is the most hellish thing we ever have to face, but.... things change, things "do" move on. It only takes a strike of good luck, maybe... one in the magnitude of the one that caused you to meet your x partner, but they do happen. One of those and life switches focus, a new dawn.

 

I'm not talking about another woman, but a feeling of purpose. A feeling that you "can" do it alone, without love. You may have no choice and that sucks beyond all else, but you can and you will. Adapt or suffer forever. It takes a while for the mind and the heart to realise, but the body and soul will realise eventually and guide you.

 

Trust who "you" are. Not the half that was in the relationship."

 

Some very wise and appreciated words of encouragement. Yep, as for me, well, I quit my job way back in Nov and went on an adventure back to Asia for the first time and to Australia. Had the fortune of visiting Thailand, Vietnam, Oz and Malaysia. Had a fantastic xmas with friends in Oz, and a wonderful news years next to the twin towers in Malaysia! Met so many new people, saw so much beautiful scenery, experienced so many new things, and now cherish so many wonderful memories of it all. It was truly a remarkable journey for me, being back in my homeland and seemingly leaving all my sorrows and worries a million miles behind. Although travelling away for an extended period of time is something I've always wanted to do, i must admit that hoping to gain some real closure from the whole breakup, and hoping that the time away would help kill the initial (and hardest) few months of the whole 'no contact' thing, was a massive incentive for me to up and leave the way i did. I still remember so clearly all the times last year that i had resolved to never call again or reply to her calls, or email her or reply to her email. And i remember how pathetic i felt when I did break the 'no contact' rule and set myself back in the healing process.

 

Well, I'm glad to say that being away for all that time HAS finally given me enough impetus and will power to finally move forward with my life and not wait around on false hope. Yes, I've come back jobless and broke (for now) but it was worth EVERY single penny! It must now be 3-4 months with zero contact from me, and i can't even remember now precisely what day i had last spoken to her, which in itself is testiment (for me at least) to the fact that it is no longer significant anymore (yes, i had been counting the days before). And yes, the ex has tried to email me a few times, wanting to see how things were, and has left a few messages on my old number, but I've managed to resist the temptation of replying. And yes, i still find myself missing her terribly (on some days), and still love her, in many ways. But i honestly now believe that severing all contact (at least until fully healed- if ever) is the best and only option, for me at least. And i suppose forgiveness is the real key to fully healing- must admit, I'm still working on that, but I'm slowly getting there, one step..no..maybe a couple of steps at a time

 

And now i find myself back home, and reflecting on an incredible few months away. For any who might be wondering, I did of course meet some girls, one in particular that I had a holiday romance with. And even though we both knew it wouldn't last beyond that short time we had together, i know that at least i could contemplate on having those intense feelings of actual true love again on a much more permanent basis for another..one day..

 

For those of you that haven't reached this point yet, i promise that you will, eventually. That 'lag time' they talk about between the heart and mind, is only just that- lag time, eventually the heart will learn to let go, partially at least, and with time (hopefully) fully.. I must thank all those that continue to post up your stories and words of advice on this forum. Its been, and continues to be, an immeasurable amount of support to not ever be 'alone' and definitely helped me through the worst of the storm last year. It sounds awfully cheesy but with this new year, i see a new horizon ahead, for everyone and myself included..

 

Ya'll take care, and feel free to PM me for any advice or otherwise, I'll gladly help anyone in the same way that others here have kindly helped me, ya'll hang in there and remember that the only thing that really matters now is to keep moving fwd and focus on life and love ahead.

 

My Warmest Regards.

[SF_mike]

Hey Luv_Suks,

 

Great to hear from you again! I was re-reading this thread a week or so ago and was wondering how your trip was going. So glad to hear that it was everything you were hoping for. Too bad it couldn't have come under better circumstances but it sounds like it was the thing for you to do at this time in your life.

 

I personally think it will definitely be her loss and some other (lucky) womans gain cuz you seem like such a decent guy. Maybe she'll truly realise it some day, maybe she won't, either way your life seems back on track and we've all got to learn to move forward - something I've finally found the strength and courage to do.

 

Thanks for the kind and encouraging words. It's just about 5 months now since the initial breakup for me. I know I've come a million miles since my first post here and even though I know I'm not out of the woods completely yet...I've accepted what has happened. I've stopped asking myself all the same questions over & over and making myself miserable. I think I turned the corner a couple of weeks ago with that last cold slap of reality and despite a couple of small setbacks from time to time, I must say there are more ups than downs for me now.

 

It must now be 3-4 months with zero contact from me...I've managed to resist the temptation of replying.

 

I've had long stretches but nothing like this....Good for you!

 

She dropped off my final few things last week (while I was away at work... per my request) and it's strange as that could be the last contact...as I won't be contacting her.

 

I'm kinda where you are now in a way....working on forgiveness...and also not sure if/when I could ever be just a friend again considering the deep feelings still involved (but under control)...I'm also not forcing myself to make that call right now...just working on healing myself and putting no pressure on me to suddenly turn into a 'Superfriend' over night. Maybe it'll never happen. I guess we'll see.

 

i know that at least i could contemplate on having those intense feelings of actual true love again on a much more permanent basis for another..one day..

 

That's good to hear...especially for folks like us dealing with this stage of healing...We get so wrapped up believing our ex's were the only ones for us....blah blah blah....I miss the amazing feelings associated with being in love & I know that I want to experience that again.

 

Glad again that you're back and thanks for that uplifting post.

 

Mike

[kungfumaster]

Man - you guys all rock!! You have all been quite a help to me -

reading what you guys have all gone through - thanks SF mike and and Luv_Suks for sharing.

 

I recently broke up too - its been one month now - we were together for 2 years and 3 months - we broke up over the Christmas holidays - quite depressing. We were great the first 2 years when we lived in the same city - and then I had to move because of a great job oppurtunity which I couldn't pass up - I was really hoping we could do the long distance thing -because I really loved her - and wanted to be with her forever. But, I'm still not sure what happened. I visited her twice, once per month after I left for work in September, and I was really looking forward to spending Christmas holidays with her but we didn't make it - there's so many details, but I'm not sure anyone wants to hear about it.

 

Anyways, its been 2 weeks since our last online conversation - only one email before that in one month - it still hurts - but "no contact" rule is helping somewhat. Before our online conversation 2 weeks ago - I was actually starting to heal- and the online chat seemed to set me back - I was determined to move on before that - basically, her way of breaking up with me was by avoiding me - she'd never return my emails or answer my calls - so i got the message - man did that hurt - it came out of nowhere- well almost nowhere - i had to be the one to email her to say its okay if we break up - i just wished she'd email me at least if she couldn't tell me in person - man it really hurt. i'm still trying to recover slowly - holy i have alot to say. But, I guess its I am moving on slowly - there is so much to tell still, but i think I have said enough for now.

 

I thank God that this forum is here, and you guys are here for someone like me who needs to let off some steam. Have a good night everyone - and may your angel keep you safe.

[SF_mike]

hey kungfumaster,

 

Sorry to hear about your breakup...Getting the silent treatment is really cold after 2+ years together and I'm sure you're looking for answers. Giving someone the blowoff like this sounds like something that might happen after a couple of dates but not a way to behave in LTR. Did communication problems exist prior to you moving?

 

Anyways, take care and keep posting. There are a lot of great people here in the same boat anxious to try and help you out.

 

-Mike

[kungfumaster]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for the for your input SF_mike - and thanks for the offer of assistance/advise- yah - it kinda sucked getting the silent treatment - for a whole week - I just drank myself to sleep - it was the only way I could fall asleep because it was so painful.

 

Yah - come to think of it SF_mike - there were some communication problems - I can't believe I was so in love - I was denying that there ever was a communication problem - everytime we talked on the phone - I would feel like I always would try to get her to talk - she would always be moody, and I don't know - always seemed withdrawn - but other days, she would just love to talk, but that was rare. And then there were times when she got really mad at me and just hang up on me - oh man - I don't know if you guys have ever gotten hung up on - but it feels like terrible - its like the other person doesn't even respect you - or think that your a human being with feelings - and then she'd expect me to phone her back after she hung up on me - oh man - yah you're right SF_mike - there were communication problems. I was willing to work on the problems though - because - I don't know - I really loved her - she was beatiful, smart, and a very strong person, but I guess she didn't want to work on "us" anymore. Oh crap - got to get back to work.

 

Thanks again SF_mike for your input - yah - sometimes hearing that my relationship (although I loved her alot) had many problems - communication being one of them- and if I dig further - I might find more things. So maybe my relationship was destined to be doomed. More later I guess.

 

Have a good rest of the day everyone! Your angels are still with you

[kungfumaster]

Hi everyone, I'm back.

 

It is so hard to let someone go that you've loved for so long (2 + years). Somedays, it is okay - you have fun going out with your friends, but then you come back to the reality of your own grief. I've been reading a good book lately about the grief process after a relationship break-up - its like going down a slide, and its completely dark - you slide and slide, and then suddenly, you hit the bottom. Once you hit the bottom, you can see a sliver of light above you, and then you gain some hope and start gathering strength to climb up the stairs to the top of the slide again - I am not sure whether I have hit the bottom of my slide yet - I mean, I know I'll have to hit it, I just don't know when. I guess I should take my time as you guys have all suggested in previous posts.

 

Have a good rest of the day my friends

[bdub]

I can relate to you with the silent treatment. Sorta during the break up I would try to figure out what she was feeling, so I could try to act accordingly, but she would always just not talk. Just sit there. It sucked a lot. She would always tell me after a small argument that she didn't say anything because she didn't want to say anything that she'd regret later. Well, do you regret breaking up because we never talked about your hurt feelings? I wish I could have said that to her. But here I am, some 4 months later, and still no contact from her. She even makes our friends choose between us when they come to town. Something that she said she'd never do. I think they are starting to resent her treatment of the situation as well.

 

I'm better off without her though. I mean she would hold on to her anger for people and it would rule her. I never really liked that while we were dating, but that is how she is. Why would I want to put myself in that kind of a relationship. I mean, her whole family disowned her grandfather and one of her uncles and his whole family. I mean, this is blood relationships that they have cut out of thier lives completely for like 8 years. What made me think that she would treat me with anymore respect than she does them is beyond me now. It is truly amazing how blind you can be when love hits you

 

Best wishes everybody,

bdub

[sbojo32]

To everyone who contributed to this thread - thank you. Thank you for sharing your stories, your strength, your courage, your support. You are truly a wonderful group of people who don't deserve the pain that you've been dealt with. I'm so glad that I found you, a group that understands exactly what I'm going through.

I have a post on the breaking up board, but my story is the same - I'm with the love of my life, the man I thought I'd be with forever. We've been together over two years and are currently living together. Yesterday he decided he needs space. He needs to live on his own and figure out what he wants to do with his life before he can make a commitment to me.

So I let him go.

And it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I miss him, I love him, and I want nothing more than him to come back and tell me that he loves me in the same way that I love him.

I found a connection with him, an understanding, a level of emotional connecting that I've been searching for and hadn't found until him.

And now he's gone. He still wants to stay friends, possibly even continue to date while he goes off and figures things out. But I don't know how to do that. So I'm here... glad to have found others that know the pain of having your heart stepped on and crushed.

thanks

[Luv_Suks]

Hey Guys

 

How is everyone doing? Thanks for the welcome back SF_Mike, appreciated. Good to be back home in a way, but obviously still wish i was back on the beach with the sun instead of coming back to the middle of winter here! Good to hear you've progressed all this way since you first posted. Feels like an age ago since i was first reading your first post, my breakup was still so fresh in my mind, I'm glad time is helping you heal also, one day at a time hey.

 

kungfumaster, welcome to the board, glad you found this site. It'll help you immensely when you see how so many other people are going thru the same pain as you are right now, you're definitely not alone, theres so many great people here to give you advice and support to lift you up on the days you feel down and out. Without meaning to sound too harsh, what your ex did to you was totally immature and cold. To give someone the silent treatment after a 2+ year relationship, to me, seems incomprehensible. The least she owed you was to have a face to face chat to let you know how things had changed for her. Maybe its best that you found out this side of her now rather than later. The only thing you can do right now is take time to figure out the way forward for yourself and not worry about her at all, you have to be selfish right now and concentrate on your own healing and give her time. I wouldn't recommend you calling her up, trying to find out all the answers to the many questions you must have swirling around your head at this time. Trust me, you'll never get anything out of her while she's still justifying the breakup to herself right now. Don't give her more ammunition against you, don't call up everyday asking all the whys and hows, it'll only give her a chance to think to herself how inconsiderate you are to HER feelings that you're not respecting her wishes. Let her be for now and maybe in time when things have settled, she may be more forthcoming with some of the answers you may be seeking..

 

bdub, totally agree, is it truly amazing how blind you can be with love!..

 

Sbojo, you're welcome. It helps to share and collectively support each other, who'd want to go thru all of this alone. Totally sucks. It almost makes you wish you'd never fallen in love in the first place but i guess the experience will help us grow stronger with time, SF_mikes right, if it felt so amazing this time around, with the wrong person, imagine how incredible its going to feel when we all meet 'the one' for us?! Anyways, hope my pm to you was helpful in some way ;-) btw, when you mention that he 'want to stay friends, possibly even continue to date while he goes off and figures things out'. I'd be very cautious if i was you. Things have already changed forever, feelings have already been laid on the table. The last thing you want to become is someones backup plan, or second choice. Its hard enough to remain friends after a relationship breaks down, let alone go back to casual dating again. Please look after your heart, i'd imagine it's pretty fragile right now, if he needs time to 'figure things out', let him do it on his own. Sorry, only my opinion, but you definitely need to look after number one right now..

 

Take care everyone,

 

Kindest regards

[Cougar]

Hey Everyone!

 

I don't know if any of the "regulars" still read this board, but it's been a year or close to it since most of us started posting. I wonder how everyone is doing these days.

 

An update on my situation: I never heard from my ex after the phone call I made to him back in January. Thank God! I am now able to see what a blessing it was that he dumped me. He broke up with me in January and I spent the better part of six months moving on. I took a one-week vacation in May to a beach resort, which was a huge help in getting some perspective. I went snorkeling for the first time and just generally had fun and relaxed.

 

In June, I started dating again and I met "Mr. Unavailable." I dated him for maybe a month or so and then started dating someone new in early July. We hit it off right away and our wedding is being planned for next summer!!

 

I never thought I'd recover from the pain and hurt of the breakup. It was truly the worst time in my life. Even my friends and family now say that they were incredibly worried about me during that time because I had just completely flipped out. Well, yes, I did lose my emotional stability for quite some time. But I came out of it stronger and better for the experience.

 

I'd love to hear how everyone else is doing!

[Luv_Suks]

Hi Couger

 

First off, congratulations!!! Its always uplifting to hear of a happy ending ;-

) Its very hard to find the right person, but as you've shown - never impossible even though it might feel like that sometimes!

 

Was wondering the same, how everyones doing etc. I haven't been on the board for quite a while now as I wanted a new start this year, no more dwelling on the past etc. I'm actually on hols again right now, back in Paradise on Phuket Island ;-) but was just checking this thread as I know alot of people contributed to it last year. Hope everyones found some happiness or stability again in their lives..

 

As for me, well, I think i've reached that point where I've fully accepted everything thats come to pass. The ex has tried to contact me a few times this year, was still using my old number up to the summer when I got an unexpected phone call from her. For the first time, it felt truly as though the person on the other end was a stranger, I think i'd realised that we had truly lost that connection that had meant everything to me before. Since then I got a new number so I don't know if she has tried to contact me again but whether she has or not, I realise now it doesn't matter anymore, I think I've become independent again.

 

It still hurts from time to time, especially on anniverseries or holidays but I guess we all reach this point of no return, where you know things would never be the same again. It's been nearly 2 years since I've seen her now, I sometimes wonder if I should've completely forgotten about the whole thing by now, I've always read that it takes about half the time of the relationship itself to get over a breakup. That time has passed now. I guess it still saddens me from time to time but i guess only time will completely heal ;-)

 

Anyways, just wanted to see how everyone was doing. Congratulations again to Couger, hope the wedding goes well!! It will truly be a special day!!

 

Kindest regards

[Cougar]

LuvSuks,

 

First off, congratulations!!! Its always uplifting to hear of a happy ending ;-)

 

Thank you! I'm thrilled about the way things turned out.

 

Its very hard to find the right person, but as you've shown - never impossible even though it might feel like that sometimes!

 

It's not impossible. As new agey as it sounds, a lot of it for me had to do with believing that it would happen. Believing that I would find someone I loved as much as my ex.

 

everything thats come to pass. The ex has tried to contact me a few times this year, was still using my old number up to the summer when I got an unexpected phone call from her. For the first time, it felt truly as though the person on the other end was a stranger, I think i'd realised that we had truly lost that connection that had meant everything to me before.

 

That's a big turning point - when the ex sounds like a stranger rather than someone you were once so connected to. Why was she trying to contact you?

 

Since then I got a new number so I don't know if she has tried to contact me again but whether she has or not, I realise now it doesn't matter anymore, I think I've become independent again.

 

That's great to hear! I know it takes time to get to that place, but it's such a good feeling!!

 

It still hurts from time to time, especially on anniverseries or holidays but I guess we all reach this point of no return, where you know things would never be the same again.

 

So true. That point does come to pass and it really is a help in healing.

 

read that it takes about half the time of the relationship itself to get over a breakup. That time has passed now. I guess it still saddens me from time to time but i guess only time will completely heal

 

I think that whole "it takes half the time of the relationship to heal" thing is a crock! It takes as long as it takes. It took me way more than half the time of the relationship to move on. In fact, it took me twice the length of the relationship before I felt ready to go forward.

 

Anyways, just wanted to see how everyone was doing. Congratulations again to Couger, hope the wedding goes well!! It will truly be a special day!!

 

Thank you! I am truly blessed to have my fiance and ever so happy to be starting a new chapter in my life.