just when I think I'm getting stronger...

[SF_mike]

I think about her and cry me heart out...

 

Glad I found this site...I must say reading the various posts has helped me with my personal heartache...so many people with the same sorts of stories...

 

Today marks 2 months since the woman I loved more than anything on this planet decided to break up with me. Feels funny as I'm a bit older than a number of people posting here. I'm 36 and she's 35...we met about a year ago here in San Francisco and it was love at first sight...so right...so quickly...something I've never experienced before on this level. If I could design the woman I always wanted to meet and be with 'on paper' it was this girl. We had so much in common it was scary...we both had great families and great friends who all instantly got along....our life experiences were so similiar...I never met anyone who I clicked with so much and on so many levels (liking the same things, same music, we could almost read each other's minds, etc) She was so unique...had this amazing sense of style that was natural to her (not forced...just how she was). Her quirks, likes/dislikes, & the way she carried herself equaled the most amazing woman I've ever known. Whenever I was with her I felt so fortunate....even that last night...when she innocently fell asleep in my lap like she had so many times before. I've experienced a number of great things in life, but strangely enough nothing felt better than holding my girl when she slept in my lap...the sense of calm & love I felt was something else...I wish I could put into words how much I miss her.

 

We had each been married in our early twenties...each of us had married way too young and neither marriage lasted long (neither of us had kids)...Seemed to give us great perspective on things...We use to joke about when 'we were going to get married'....no big ceremony (as we'd each been there done that)....just Vegas with Elvis as the minister and a huge party for our reception...nothing fancy...all family/good friends etc.

 

Anyways, things with her were amazing for the first 7-8 months...In all my 36 years I've never felt like this...with any past girlfriend (or my ex-wife for that matter) If I had a tail it would be wagging every second I spent with her...everything about her filled me with joy...the way she just could look at me and smile made me the happiest guy on the earth...I felt so fortunate....like I didn't deserve this...and she was the same way with me. Anyways things were beyond great when all of a sudden I felt her acting distant. We had been talking of moving in together etc...all of a sudden from out of the blue she needed 'space' (ultimate cliche) and she wasn't sure why she couldn't commit to me...Needless to say I was crushed. She asked for a month or so to figure things out...we didn't break up and kept seeing each other but I backed off a bit and tried not to smother her. She told me she wasn't happy with her life and couldn't figure out what the reason was. During this time there were some tense moments when we were together and I sensed she felt so unhappy....but other times she was like the girl I had known previously and things seemed like normal. Then one night I got a magical call from her...She said she loved me...It was a love-fest...She said "I'm yours" "You're the man for me" She said I was the best thing that ever happened to her and she apologized for the pain she put me through during the last couple of months....she said "I don't know what I'm afraid of"

 

I had to travel a lot for work and before I knew it we hadn't seen each other in 3 weeks or so. Her nightly calls, emails and Yahoo instant messages had dwindled too and felt less personal. Finally she told me on the phone "I think we should break up..."

 

Instantly I went into denial..."this can't be happening to me" I had planned on proposing on our 1 yr anniversary...."she's just confused...she'll be back" It was so difficult...I was entering crunch mode at the time on a work project and somehow had to go into robot mode (shut out my personal life) and try to get something accomplished...tough to do when work suddenly seemed so unimportant compared to the love of my life uncertain if "I was the one for her" I honestly don't know how I got through those first couple of weeks. I've never been so devastated in my life...never knew I could be in love like this...

 

I'm 36 frickin' years old! Crying my eyes out every night....drinking too much, calling in sick at work, just trying to somehow keep it together and function like an adult. Thank goodness for my family and friends....did my best to not be a burden but had some serious crying sessions with my Mom and brothers. It's funny... as bad as I felt it also was amazing to discover how strong our family bond was and how much they supported me and picked me up when I was down for the count. I feel so much closer to them all after this mess.

 

Anyways, I did my best to stay away and respect her decision...no frantic calls, stalking, anything crazy etc...Just would send an email every couple of weeks telling her how I honestly felt about us and such. We'd trade messages on Yahoo Messenger once a week or so....it was all friendly and cordial. I started to find myself staring at her buddy icon all day...praying she'd message me, email me and say she's had sudden change of heart...I did get a couple of emails from her saying that she's "thinking of me" I started to analyze these emails and disect them..."Does she want me back....does she have 2nd thoughts?" I was making myself crazy to say the least.

 

Finally we agreed to meet for a couple of beers...no pressure...just a catch-up session. She looked so beautiful to me after 2 months of not seeing her....all my feelings/love for her instantly were back like a hurricane....It was a great night. We didn't talk about "us"....just played catch-up like two great friends...We hugged/kissed and said goodnight.

 

The next day I got an email from her saying how nice/comfortable it was to see again and how terrific I looked etc....I answered back, said the same and asked if this was a 'fresh start' for us? She called me the next day and said 'no'....no fresh start.... she said it would be so easy to pick things up with me where they left off but she's still unsure about why she's unhappy in life, if I'm the 'one' for her or if there's "ANYONE" who can be the 'one' for her....She almost seems convinced that she can't completely love someone again. I know she's been hurt in past relationships and her guard is definitely up.

 

At this point in time I had bought a couple of books to try and help me get through this, found this website etc....Was SHOCKED that so many people had gone through/were going through the same sorts of emotions/situations as me in their love lives (felt like I was the only one who had ever been rejected)...I had read about grieving and healing etc....

 

I had to make the toughest call ever....Told her I was 'dropping off her radar'....no emails, no calls, no Yahoo Messenger (uninstalled it)....There's no way I can start to try and heal when I spend all my time hoping she will contact me. This hurts so much I can't believe I'm feeling this pain....She's not only the love of my life but had been my best friend....the person I care most about....We'd swap messages all day...work stuff, fun stuff, love notes...How in the world can I cut contact with her but how can I not if I want to try and somehow heal myself? I can't see another way. I can't do this chit-chat friends thing...at least not now. I mean I'd marry this woman in a heartbeat if she'd only let me...Maybe someday if I'm stronger and better we can be pals again...maybe never. At this point I can't imagine ever seeing her without feeling like I do now....and there's nothing I want more than to have her in my life....but I know no other way to do this.

 

In her last email note to me she said that she loves me so much and 'maybe she'd come back... begging me to take her back...or maybe she won't'....

 

I don't think she honestly knows...I wish I could help her but I seemingly can't...She's just not sure for some reason and I can't force her to stay. It's been ultra-tough because there's been no ugliness/cruelty in our situation...No one's cheated, no abuse, no name calling....just uncertainty on her part about what she wants & how she feels. I almost wish there had been some huge event so I could 'hate her' so moving on would be easier...but that's not the case.

 

She's coming by later this week to pick up her things....I'm dreading even seeing her (as it almost feels like a step back for me healing-wise) but also can't wait to see her again....(sigh)

 

At this point I'm trying to squash out false hope...I'd love to try some crazy scheme to 'win her back' but that seems riduculous right now...I have to accept the fact that she's gone and it's over for good....I need to make myself try and feel better. I need to heal...I can't hope that she'll magically appear on my doorstep begging for another chance...If that does happen (by some crazy miracle) then it was meant to be and I'll cross that bridge if & when but I can't count on it....for now I have to assume that it wasn't meant to be....and it's a bitter pill to swallow.

 

Can't believe I wrote this much....but it feels good to write somehow and share my experience. It doesn't matter if you're 18 years old or 36 like me....love is so amazing....how great it can feel and how much it can hurt.

 

Goodnight from San Francisco.

 

-Mike

[mealone]

I also am sorry to hear your problems, But I see I'm not alone but for me its my wife that wants to leave. We are currently separated, and I know your feelings. I also cry myself to sleep every night, and I'm 37 so don't feel bad about that, it comes with a broken heart. I can't tell you how long till your over it, I don't know. But I do know the feeling of loosing the one you really love. I wish you luck

[Luv_Suks]

Hey Mike

 

Just wanted to send you a note to say that you're definitely not alone in all of this. The way you talk about your ex touched me , as I'm sure it'll touch many others that feel exactly the same way about their ex, the pure adulation and love, how it all seemed so perfect and so right...at the time..

 

I won't bore you with the details of my breakup, but its been 6 months now since the day she crushed my heart, but almost a year since I've actually seen her in person (we dated for 3 years long distance). Much like your situation, it came out of the blue, no real rhyme or reason to it, just that she suddenly didn't feel like she was 'in love' with me anymore (another cliche). I know what you mean when you said it maybe would've been easier if there had been some motive behind it, like they had cheated or something, then it would've been easier to use 'hate' as a mechanism to totally move on. I know it wouldn't have been right, but it certainly would've been easier to comprehend..

 

I haven't been the same since, and even though I've certainly progressed somewhat, I think the thing that scares me the most right now is the thought of always being stuck in this state of limbo, and never really fully gaining closure. It is very much as though ALL your dreams are shattered at once, and it does seem funny when we do suddenly come to realise just how many hopes, and dreams were dependent on that one special person in our lives. I always imagined myself one day marrying my ex, never for one second comtemplated the fact that it could be someone else, and the fact that it will now be someone else scares me to death. The only thought that keeps me in perspective through all of this is the fact that there are 6 more billion people out there and by probability alone, there 'has' to be someone else out there more' right' for me. Maybe keeping that fact in mind will help you too?..

 

But anyhow, don't know what i can really say to help, just that having 'zero contact' is definitely the first step on the long road to recovery. While you are still in touch, you are definitely holding yourself back from healing. After 6 long months of the odd phone call/ email every now and again, I finally came to the realization that it had to stop because i knew i was just clinging onto false hope. You're on the right track, the quicker you can force yourself to cut the ties, the quicker you will start to move on and eventually heal. One thing that was suggested by a member here was that every time you start to feel the urge to call her again, just run the conversation through your head, know in all probability that its not going to be a good one, and that should be enough to stop you from making it (it certainly helps me). After 6 months, the longest time of no contact has been a pathetic 2 weeks. As of today, it would be 2 weeks exactly that we last spoke or email, and now I actually feel as thought this time might be it. We both found it hard not to call. Towards the end she was the one to call me more often, but every time the conversation went the same way, it would start off with small chitchat, and eventually it would frustrate me to the point where I'd start talking about 'us' again and it would always end up with the same ol 'we both need time and space apart and maybe one day we'll get back together...' Two weeks ago I finally had the courage to change my phone number. I haven't had the strength yet to cut off my email aswell. I guess deep down inside I still hope that one day soon, or in the future, she'll send that one magical email to say how much she regrets leaving me and that we should be back together. I doubt that email will ever arrive. I still check my email religiously every day. I guess the day I stop checking, will be the day I'll know I've finally 'let go'. I hope you have the strength and courage to let go sooner, cuz believe me, it'll save you alot of heartache...

 

I hope that sharing my experience has somehow helped you. Other than the no contact thing, all i can suggest is that you somehow keep your mind occupied and not punish yourself too much on things you could've said or done. As humans, we all make mistakes. Just remember how much you loved her and know in your heart you would've done anything for her and worked through everything. Remember that she was the one who 'bailed' on you, not the other way round, so just remember that there is nothing left you can do but to move on, keep your chin up and hope for better things to come. If circumstances change and she does realize you're 'the one' for her afterall, then i'd suggest you think things through thoroughly before jumpin str8 back in..

 

Good luck to you m8, we're all in the same boat..

 

Kind Regards.

[Senna]

Reading those two letters really touched me it really does help knowing we're all in the same boat. l make an effort of checking my email twice a month now it really is like going cold turkey and it does help not seeing or hearing from that one person but it doesn't change any feelings maybe nothing ever will, it's strange how you can have someone so important in your life one minute and the next minuet there gone.

l really hope things work out for you

[SF_mike]

I really appreciate it...

 

Felt nice to read those kind & understanding words today (SwingFox, mealone, Luv_Suks, Senna)...helped me get through another Monday after a tough weekend. It still hurts beyond belief but I have been making some strides (at least I tell myself I am)...Like I mentioned initially I stumbled onto this website and picked up a couple of good books...by reading how we're all going through the same pain it does help one understand what's going on inside emotionally...geez, we're fragile creatures ain't we?

 

I'm taking steps to make myself feel better. Last week I did the dreaded apartment sweep and gathered her things up. At least I don't burst into tears anymore when I see her toothbrush or her cowboy boots on the floor next to my shoes...they're all packed up now. It's gonna be weird when she picks the stuff up Wed night...What will we say to each other? I'm doing my best to squash false hope but as you said Luv_Suks there's probably always going to be a shred of hope hiding in us somewhere...deep down.

 

Also re-arranged my apartment (read that it can help...and it does) It's tough cause I see her everywhere in my head when I look around this joint...same goes for my neighborhood and places we use to go together...I guess it's all just part of it. I'm trying to get out when I can (getting lots of exercise, beers with friends, I also play guitar in a band)...things that I like and make me feel good. Not much else to say at the moment...just trying to take it a day at a time...putting no pressure on myself. It is so strange though how the most important person in your life can suddenly be gone and you're forced to adapt somehow and make sense of it.

 

Thanks again for the responses...I'll probably try and jump in one some of the other threads and help someone like you've helped me.

 

Mike

[Luv_Suks]

SUp Mike

 

No worries m8, thats what we're all here for, to get some advice to help us through this tough time. You're right, don't put any pressure on yourself, just take your time, and ride out the emotions, cuz trust me, theres gonna be a lot of ups and downs.. some days you'll feel really empowered, wonder why you're still feeling down about the whole saga and snap out of it..you'll get on with things and really believe that everything happened for the better (which of course could be true)...but then you'll wake up on some days..and feel like you're right back at square one..you'll miss her like crazy...cry your eyes out...and on days like that it'll just be a mission to get outta bed....anyways...don't worry if it sometimes seems like you're taking 1 step fwd, then 3 steps back..eventually you'll start to realise that you're actually beginning to take 3 steps fwd and just the 1 step back...all part of the (slow) healing process...

 

Yea, sucked when I had to clear out all of her stuff. On the day she broke up with me I took down all the pictures off the walls..but..i knew one day i'd have to clear out everything else, all the little momentoes i'd collected while I had my time with her, things she'd sent me, photos that were still in my drawers. Instead of just putting them str8 away i made the mistake of actually looking at them, and nothing could've described the pain i felt then, pictures of when we were together in places I'd taken her, and places she'd taken me. I eventually packed everything into a box, sealed it up and packed it away in the attic. I'll probably never open that box again. Yea, its tough, you can try and get rid of all the tangible memories of her, but you'll still have a million precious memories floating around your head all day...esp when going past places where you were once together..I've just consigned myself to the fact that it's gonna take a long time before the memories start to fade, maybe they never really will...

 

Anyways, just wanted to share some thoughts. Good luck on wednesday Mike, to be honest, i dont' know what i'd do in your situation, its different for me, if she wanted her stuff back she'd have to jump on a plane and fly accross the atlantic...(dont think she be doin that in a hurry). Remember to stay strong. I know its easier said than done, you'll naturally just want to break down in tears and beg her to reconsider (or maybe you've got past that stage)...but in any case, good luck. keep us posted...

 

Kind Regards

[Cougar]

For what it's worth, I'm rowing the same boat of suffering you guys are. I'd been dating a great guy for almost two months and everything was going great when he hit me last Saturday with "I want to date other people." He was apparently surprised when I said he could do that, but then wouldn't be allowed to see me. I'm closer to 30 than 20 and I just don't feel the need to do the casuel dating thing. It doesn't work for me to date more than one person at a time.

 

Anyway, the last few days have sucked because he's doing that whole "I'm confused" and "I don't know what I want" thing now. He changed his mind on wanting to date other people, but he still doesn't know if he wants me in his life or what.

 

I hate the confusion and the "I don't knows." Yesterday was the first time since we met that we hadn't talked. We used to talk every day. But he didn't call so at this point my only option is to act like we are in fact broken up and give him the time and space he needs to figure it out. The pain sucks worse than a Hoover. I can totally relate to you SF Mike with the crying jags and the hurt you're feeling just trying to get through the day.

 

I'm a full-time student in a rigourous graduate program and all I want to do is pull the covers over my head every morning. It's a struggle to get out of bed and go to class.

 

Nice to find this site - Thank God. It does help to know it's not just me who feels like the pain and hurt will never end.

[Cougar]

Luv Suks,

 

Thanks for your posts - they are helping me put things in prespective. This is Day 3 of no contact for me. I'm starting to feel like it's an episode of Survivor..."Day 3 and the tribe grows hungry."

 

Anyway, I can relate to what you are saying with not having any closure. I don't have that either. The guy in my life can't seem to find the courage to just tell me it's over. The last conversation we had, he was still on the "I don't know what I want" jag. Something my friend said yesterday really struck me - she said that it's hard for me to get over this because I don't yet know exactly what it is I am trying to accomplish. Have we broken up or is there hope? I have no idea what it is I need to be doing at this point.

 

Basically, I am going on the assumption that we've broken up. But the fact that he hasn't said that and the fact that he keeps up with the "I'm confused" crap leaves me clinging to the hope that he will call and tell me "I've made up my mind and it's you."

 

But let's face some basic facts here. My father told me this yesterday and it left me feeling empowered. He said if the guy is so confused and doesn't know what he wants, I need to move on. He said it's ridiculous for someone to be so damned confused and that I don't need to waste my time with someone who doesn't know what he wants. That's the truth. There's no reason for me to hang in there with someone who is that confused and who refuses to give me the closure I need. If he would just call and say "it's over," it would hurt like hell (losing the hope is always painful), but at least I would know and could erase his number out of my cell phone and move forward.

 

It's easier said than done to move on, but I am trying. Sometimes, it's a minute by minute effort, but it has to be done. I can't keep hanging in this limbo, it really isn't worth it. I've decided to get on with things and if I never hear from him again, then I never hear from him again. Truth be told, it's easier not to talk to him no matter how much it hurts when he doesn't call.

 

So...just for today I am going to try to feel hope for the future instead of hope for him and me.

[Luv_Suks]

Hey Cougar

 

No worries, glad that sharing my thoughts has helped you a lil bit, I'm just very sorry to hear that you're having to go thru the same s*** right now, freal, wouldn't wish this kinda emotional pain on my worse enemy..I genuinely feel sorry for all those out there going thru heartbreak, but esp for those still in search of closure...

 

I've read many peoples posts about closure and their own experiences of it, what I've come to understand is that its a very personal thing, what some people except as closure, may not even come close to satisfying the need of closure in others. The feeling of being left to dangle on a string is terrible, a million thoughts run thru the head all day and you're left to wonder what you could've said or done to change things, while questioning to yourself the whole time on whether it really is over or not when the other person hasn't made it crystal clear. This is the problem when one partner suddenly decides that they're unsure of their feelings, and think/believe on the basis of that uncertainty that they must somehow not be 'in love' anymore. At the same time, (unconsciously or not) they can't end things properly with their partner, almost certainly because they don't want to 'lose it all' while they're still trying to decide. Not to come accross sounding too bitter or whatnot but i think its such a selfish thing. I don't believe there is any other way to end a relationship properly than to have a face-to-face, heart-to-heart talk..where feelings are clearly laid on the table. I'd imagine for the majority, it helps to give the other person a real sense that the relationship is officially over, for whatever reasons. ONly then can I believe that the person can move on properly. I'll give you two quick examples, got one friend who is still pining over her ex 18 months (!!!) down the line. To this day she still can't get over him because he hasn't ended things properly, has never told her its officially over, says hes still trying to decide, and basically uses her for sex when he feels the urge (not that she stops him!). Its affected her whole life, and even though shes dating someone new right now, i know for a fact that shes still waiting for her ex to make up his mind!...take my other friend, his ex cheated on him with her ex..hurt him like hell when he found out but she at least had the decency to have a face to face talk, admit she had done wrong and was so sorry for hurting him that way. He said that she had tears streaming down the whole time and he genuinely felt she was sorry. It gave him a true sense of closure and he even forgave shortly afterwards, and they've been able to maintain a friendship ever since...

 

Anyways, as you can probably tell, i didn't get that heart to heart, face to face talk..I just got a phone call one sunday night to tell me its over. I'll never forget that night for as long as i live because I felt the cut thru my heart so deeply. They say the first cut is the deepest, i guess one thing is for sure, that i'll probably never feel that degree of hurt again no matter how many more breakups i might have to endure before i meet the right one for me. I'd felt her being distant for a few days prior to that, but never imagined it could turn out to be such a nightmare, the one person i loved, cared about, absolutely adored and trusted most in this world could end things the way she did. I felt such a turbulent mix of emotions, anger, disappointment, emptiness, fear..she was my whole world, and in a blink of an eye, I realised she was no longer in my life anymore. That was back in April, but i haven't seen her since last xmas. I'd left her at the airport that day after saying our goodbyes, like I'd done so many times before, but only this time, not knowing it would be the last time I'd ever see her again. If only I'd known, I would never have let her go, never have stopped hugging her, never have stopped kissing her lips...I would've done anything it took, gone home and packed my bags and jumped on that plane with her..no matter how irrational it might've been to have just upped and left my life over here like that..

 

Some people may be wondering why i haven't gone to see her face to face since? guess hearing her say she didn't really love me that way anymore caused so much hurt for me that I was adamant that hearing it in person would've finished me off back then..now I've progressed to a point where I'm doin ok and wouldn't wish to drag it all up again, I couldn't imagine ever seeing her again and not having these feelings for her..spose it would give me a sense of closure..but I'm too scared to face the emotions it would bring right now...

 

Anyways, like SF_mike, i don't know how i got thru those first couple of weeks/months, I was just in a daze, struggled just to try and function as a normal human being, tears streaming down constantly..it was terrible, i've never felt so low. I never thought i could cry so much, at one point i was sure i was going insane, just kept thinkin to myself that as a man, surely i shouldn't be so pathetic, but after a while i just accepted i had to go with the flow. At the time i got some books too, I found the book 'women are from venus, men are from mars, - a practical guide to starting over' a good book. The author explained about the lag time between the mind and the heart - the heart clings onto hope long after the mind has already accepted that the relationship is over. Its just a natural human reaction. At some point the heart will learn to let go- as I'm sure yours will too one day. It'll help to speed up the process if you get some sort of closure from him, but regardless, your heart will catch up with your head one day. Your dads right..why would you want to be with someone who can't make up their mind?...personally I know I'm not gonna get that closure from my ex, things have moved on too far, and she wouldn't want to drag it all back up (she would get so defensive and irritated when i tried to get some answers that i gave up in the end, think I've consigned myself to the fact that I'm in for the long haul..

 

I'm sorry for carrying on so much, esp in someone elses post (sorry Mike!), but it was good to vent i guess. I know its a personal thing, only i'll ever know how much I loved her, i could never truly express it with words alone...well, not much point to this post other than to talk a bit about closure I guess, and how important it is in ending a relationship the 'right' way. For all those out there that have left their ex on a piece of string to wonder whether its all actually over or not, please for the love of God will you take some time to think about things and maybe have the courage and strength to give your exes the closure they deserve once and for all. I guess that even if I've managed to persuade just one reader to do the honourable thing.. then this post would have been worth something...

 

Kindest Regards

[SF_mike]

post all you want Luv_Sucks (and anyone else)...we're all in this mess together I guess...we're all trying to make sense of our situations....

 

I identify with your previous posts so much....that feeling of the rug being pulled out from under you....I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

 

It's been a rough few days for me after I had thought I had made huge progress....the 'stuff exchange' was suppossed to go down on Wed but she had to postpone until this weekend ( I can't even type the word "ex" yet when talking about her). This sucks beyond belief

 

I'd been feeling better (somewhat) as a result of 'no contact'...granted it's still f****** miserable beyond belief but 'no contact' is a cold slap of reality and I've been forcing myself to deal with it. Anyways got an email on Wed re: the "stuff exchange" and how she needed to postpone...

 

Can I say that the "stuff exchange" sucks more than anything...and I still haven't even done it.

 

Anyways, she had to go ahead and sign off "I miss you" at the end of her email....Needless to say it was a blow to the gut for me....she then called me at work later in the day and we had a nice 'catch up' session...Just hearing her voice made me feel so happy...I can tell she felt the same....

 

"Us" as a couple wasn't a subject...but it's the only thing burning in my mind...All of the sad feelings are right back here again hot & fresh....only they feel twice as intense...why I'm I posting after 2am for goodness sake? Feel like I'm grasping for straws here...looking for answers.

 

One of our favorite bands was in town tonight here in San Fran playing at a local club....we had just caught their act together back in June before our downfall started. When she emailed me on Wed she asked if I was going to the show tonight...I said I was "on the fence" as I knew she might go...frankly I don't think I could hold it together if I saw her there tonight...too many strong feelings still on my part.

 

Well I just got home and she avoided the show...

 

When I heard the music tonight all I could do was think of her and fight back tears. I'm almost wishing I didn't go either as it brings back such vivid memories...She's got this cool 'faux' leopard jacket that she always wears....she wore it last June when we saw this band....All night I scanned the club for her....imagining her in front of me in this damn jacket...my arm around her....everything in my world making sense...but no such luck....

 

When does this get easier? Does this ever get easier?

 

False hope is burning stronger now...so hard to make myself think realistically. I feel like this breakup is happening for all the wrong reasons...like we're not getting a chance to try and work out the problems. I still feel like I don't honestly know what the problems are????If a relationship is 95% good and 5% bad isn't that still an "A" grade? It was when I went to school....Is any relationship perfect? Aren't they all filled with ups & downs and working together as a team to combat the downs is the way to go? I feel like I'm not getting this chance...I'm feeling so frustrated. As you said Luv_Sucks, I'm feeling so pathetic....I'm also feeling like I'm acting like a baby versus being a man about this....but I can't do anything about how my heart is breaking...

 

I guess that's my venting session for this evening (or morning at this point)...I'm hoping so much things change but I'm not getting my hopes up in the least bit.

 

Hang in there everyone...

 

-Mike

[Cougar]

Mike,

 

It just reeks that she would sign the e-mail with "I miss you." You know, despite the heartbreak we feel over these people, the fact that they do things like that just makes me SO angry. Luv Suks, you are right that they don't want to completely lose everything while they are making their decision, but it's just SO wrong to keep us on a string like that.

 

Last night, I got a call from "the guy." I decided to hell with the crap and I told him I needed closure, he needed to make a decision. He decided he wants to exclusively date me. One would think this was a good thing, but frankly, I am SCARED TO DEATH that he is going to pull this crap again sometime down the line.

 

We're suppossed to get together this weekend and I plan to have a long talk with him about where things are and just be frank about the fact that I am scared he's going to hurt me. I'm also going to tell him that he needs to be sure of what he wants because if he isn't, I'm getting the hell out now. I don't ever, ever want to feel the heartbreak and pain I felt before and if he's unsure, I can get out now and move on.

 

 

[SF_mike]

Good luck Cougar. I hope you come out of this weekend with a clearer picture. I hope your guy is being sincere and not just making a snap decision because you put your foot down. If he's wishy washy over the weekend I'm sure you'll see right through it...Hopefully it's the other way around since he's had time to think. Our thoughts are with you.

 

Mike

[Luv_Suks]

Hey Cougar

 

So good to see you've gained some strength from your time apart, even if it was forced upon you, i think you've had some good time to evaluate things. To be honest, I don't know what I would do if I were to meet the ex again..its been so long..miss her so damn much, but shes put me thru hell and back these last 6 months..and yea, as much as i know I still love her, itz hard not to feel resentment and bitterness at the same time. Its good to see you've got a clear objective in meeting your guy this weekend, agree with Mike, I'm sure you'll see thru him if he's still airy fairy about the relationship. As much as I'd like to think I've become stronger thru all of this, I'd probably still melt into her arms if she were to suddenly show up and say she wanted me back, but that would just be me being a muppet!...

 

Good luck to ya!

 

Kind Regards

[slothrop]

Everyone on this thread,

 

Thanks so much for posting your stories. Whether you know it or not, they've helped me a lot personally.

 

Short story: my girlfriend and I broke up about 6 months ago, after 5.5 years together. We were good friends before we got together as a couple, and decided when we were breaking up that we wanted to stay close friends.

 

The break-up decision was mutual, the post-breakup adjustment has certainly not been. She has moved on quickly, and I seem to be very stuck. This week, she started dating someone new. Since we're friends, I get to hear about it, and it kills me. She can't understand why I'm bothered by it, especially since we both felt trapped in the relationship and wanted out. And I can't understand why I find myself waiting to her from her on email or AIM or cellphone, feeling rejected and alone, even though I wanted out as much as she did.

 

Love sucks.

 

So, I'd be interested to hear from you all about how the "no contact" goes. After trying hard for several months to be "close friends", I am really starting to feel like I'm kidding myself to try and do that, and though severing all contact would be/will be extremely hard since she's such a huge part of my small social support structure, I'm so tired of feeling like s#$t all the time that I'm considering it.

 

Hang in there all of you, and thanks again so much for sharing. SF_Mike, I'll be sending good thoughts for your Stuff Exchange.

[Luv_Suks]

Hey slothrop

 

welcome to the board m8. sorry to hear about your situation. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like trying to maintain a friendship with the ex. It kills me to even think about her being with someone else, but at least we're thousands of miles apart, and although thats probably got alot to do with us splitting up in the first place, at least i know theres no chance of us bumping into each other. With the distance i just try and block out thoughts of my ex with someone else, I'd go insane otherwise.

 

Of course it means that we can't even try and maintain a friendship even if we wanted to. But in all honesty, i could never be friends with someone I love. Thats exactly your problem as well. Although the breakup was mutual, deep down inside you know you are probably still in love with her. I could be wrong of course, but from what you've said, its evident that your feelings are still strong. For both parties, time apart either makes you realise the other person wasn't in fact the one for you and it allows you to move on, or..it makes you realise just how much you did in fact love them...and thereforeeee makes you yearn to have them back in your life. I don't know if you want her back as a gf?..but it very evident that you're still in healing..and the constant contact is definitely holding you back..

 

6 months is a long time apart, alot of time to evaluate, but then again, you were together for 5 1/2 years, and that counts for alot aswell. Maybe since the break shes thinking the grass is greener on the other side, which is why shes dating someone new, testing the waters. Thats tough on you because you're still trying to heal, and like i said, its nigh impossible to do when you're still in contact every day post breakup. If it makes you feel better, a) I don't think shes healed properly either, 5.5 years is a long time to be with someone, so this thereforeeee may be just a rebound, b) she'll be constantly comparing this new guy to you, his every move, action, reactions.. so c) its going to be very hard for this new relationship to last...

 

Anyways, sorry i've gone off the topic a bit, you were asking about the no contact thing..well..as of tomorrow, it'll be a full 3 weeks since having any contact with the ex. Since breaking up in April, we've only ever not talked/emailed for 2 weeks..so this is really beginning to feel like an age already. Every day now seems an eternity, and my heart aches every day as you can probably testify to yourself. Post breakup feelings of grief and mourning, for the lost of this part of your life, comes in waves, big and small. The biggest wave hits when you first breakup. I was distraught for weeks. Took a good month or so for me to even begin to control my emotions, i was all over the shop. As the months went by, waves of emotion came back and forth, all part of the healing process..BUT..i was never allowed to mourn properly because of a) the lack of closure and b) because she kept on phoning (and i kept phoning)...

 

Now there has been a significant period of no contact..(well, considering we had talked every single day b4 we broke up). I won't lie to you, having no contact with the one you truly love hurts beyond belief. Even though I've gained some more strength, and struggled through, i know I'm in for the long haul...but at least i know I'm on my way to recovery. I've changed my number so theres no danger of receiving a random call from her to set me back...all that can set me back is an email from her..but I'm not strong enough to cut all contact yet...but i know there'll come a time for that...now, at least i feel that I can really begin to start healing..and those waves of emotions will become smaller and smaller..until the sea is calm again..and I'll know I've finally moved on..

 

Anyways, again, sorry to hear you're goin thru some tough s***, it has to be esp hard when you've got the same circle of friends. For me, no contact is the only way to go if you are to start healing properly..but every situation is unique and you will have to decide on whats best for you, wish you luck on that. I hope things work out for you. I'd be inclined to think that things are not completely over between you two yet. Hang in there and see what happens. If the pain gets too much then you might have to consider no contact, at least for a significant period.

 

Its hard, I've actually really struggled, which is why i handed in my notice to work a few weeks ago and decided to go travelling back to Asia/Australia for a couple of months. I know it seems like running away, but i see no other way to try and clear my head. My priorities have drastically changed, work seems so unimportant, as does so many other things in my life right now, because I know I'm still completely lost. Its funny, i always thought i was a pretty indpendent guy, never really had a worry in the world and was just so content..until i lost the one person that meant the most to me...and all of a sudden I felt i was plunged into massive uncertainty for the future, and right now it hasn't got any clearer. I know I can't run away for ever, I'm gonna have to deal with the same issues when I get back home, but maybe the time away will give me a good opportunity to reavaluate alot of things, and get my priorities str8 again. Anyways, its always been a dream of mine ever since being a kid, going travelling, seeing the world abit. It will also help in killin the time during this no contact phase, by the time i get back i might have gained enough strength to really move on, a new year..a fresh new start...

 

V sorry for all this venting..thank you so much for listening...

 

Hang in there everyone..

 

Kindest regards

[IWOKEUP]

Mike,

I can emphathize with your plight.

 

You heart feels like a plane....it's trying to take off and crash lands only to take off and actually reach the clouds until the night rolls in or the morning light comes and that planes crashes once more.

 

One day, that plane will take off and soar above the clouds to new destinations and she will be just a pleasant memory when you find the right one. I am in my 40's and feeling your pain as I go through my own grief too.

 

You can't make someone love you and commit if they can't/won't. I must admit, after 2 and half months of crying daily, I saw my ex (who had wanted a future with me and dumped me without warning) on a website for dating! It said he was seeking a long term relationship and that broke my heart no end. I too had no closure and this was devasting to me after two years of sweet love.

 

I did write an email despite my better judgement. Not to throw out accusations but to express my hurt, pain and disappointment at his lack of kindness and explanation at the end. I did not receive a reply which told me volumes. I realize this is not a man that is worthy of me no matter how much I loved him.

 

If she can't see the rest of her life without you, well, that is her loss. You sound like a great guy that any woman who would embrace and be grateful to have in her life!

 

Her loss will be someone else's gain!!!

 

IWOKEUP

[paleoman]

Hey Mike, hope you are feeling a little better. I read your post and totally related to it. Especially when you mentioned you can't even describe in words how much you miss her. People tell you it will be ok and you will find someone who deserves you. I know those things go in one ear and out the other when you are going through these things. I was so in love with my ex I would have given my life for her. I never felt so strongly about someone. She called me tonight and just opened up old wounds (hence posting again). She wanted to know everything that is going on in my life and how all my family were. Well, I don't understand, she has told me she is seeing someone else. But the most valuable lesson I have learned and it does take awhile is that there are no answers to all this. Your girl left you with the same lines mine did. That she was unhappy and needed time. I tried for months to figure it out but in the end realized all it does it make it worse. I know I will always love her but I am trying to move on and keep busy. I hope things get better for you and sorry you are feeling so much hurt. It will get better, I was in your place months ago and never thought I would be able to function but humans have an amazing strength and spirit that keeps pushing them forward with or without the love of their life.

[SF_mike]

thanks again everyone for adding to this thread...

 

Again, it's been truly eye opening to me to read all your posts and I'm definitely right there with ALL of you...it does help knowing that others are experiencing the same feelings/problems (although I'd certainly wish this grief on no one). Seems like it doesn't matter who we are, where we come from, how young/old we are....the feelings and hurt are universal for all of us.

 

As for me...

 

My 'stuff exchange' has been delayed until ?? We had planned for Sat but she was sick with a cold when I spoke with her...She sounded so completely sad on Sat...as did I...Have you ever had a phone call that was so uncomfortable & sad and where nothing was really even said between the two people on the line?

 

She seems so down....Felt strange because we had spoken a few days ago and it felt 'like old times'....I don't know if she misses me, or what the cause of her sadness was...frankly I'm not asking at this point.....if she wants to talk she knows where I am...

 

And she knows how I feel about her/us...

 

It was rough packing up her stuff...every item brought back so many memories & feelings...there's a weird feeling I have still about this miserable exercise...once she takes it & it's 'gone' from my place then she's 'really' feels gone from my life...and I don't want to accept this but I know I have to for now. I can't count on a change of heart....it's not helping me to think this way.

 

I'm definitely running the gauntlet of emotional mood swings lately....one second I want to never see of hear from her again...the next moment I feel the other way and wonder how I could even think that???...I feel like it's still going to blow over and work out...and I imagine the wonderful future I dreamed about between us...

 

Needless to say it's frustrating for me. Still trying to come to terms with this bomb that was dropped on me....

 

Cutting off contact from the one who means the most to me in the world?? It's been so hard....and I look to everyone's posts for examples of strength....I can sense the pain/hurt you all have felt and are still feeling...It's helping me. I hope my plight is helping you in some way....don't know how...but hoping it is...

 

I simply can't do this idle chit chat friends thing considering the way I'm feeling. I don't think there's anyone 'new' in her life and I refuse to even go down that road in my mind right now...

 

A number of you have posted these scenarios and I honestly don't know you can handle it....I simply don't want to envision that right now.

 

Thanks again everyone and please keep writing.

 

One day at a time

 

Mike

[Cougar]

Mike,

 

Sorry to hear the stuff exchange got shelved. If I might make a suggestion - have you thought about either mailing her the stuff or just having a friend deliver it to her for you? It seems like having it around is difficult for you and the exchange getting postponed is just going to prolong the pain.

 

My sense of her is also that she wants to keep you hanging on. That may be why she signs the e-mails "I miss you" and why she has postponed the exchange.

 

What I did will not work for everyone, but I'm finding that it helps to set some boundaries with people who are "confused" or "don't know what they want." These people aren't sure it's you they want, but what they do know is that they don't want to lose the option of you. So they keep you hanging on by sending e-mail, calling and so on, but never really committing to getting back together or whatever.

 

As hard as it was for me, putting my foot down with the guy I posted about was the best thing I could have done. I needed to have an answer so that we could either work it out or I could nurse my broken heart and move on. Thankfully for me, he decided to work it out with me, but that was only after I made it clear that he couldn't keep me hanging like that.

 

So I guess what I'm suggesting to everyone is something I've done more than once (did it in my marriage and in my most recent relationship): put your foot down. One of the amazing things about doing that is that it sometimes will cause the person to realize that they really are going to lose the option of you because you won't hang around any longer waiting at their beck and call. Sometimes when they realize that, they decide to try to make it work with you. And sometimes they move on, but either way, you can also move forward.

 

Good luck to everyone. I know how hard this is.

[fionaterri2]

I am glad to find this site as well. I am going through the same thing. My ex wanted space and I gave him that, after three weeks of minimal contact with him he called on my birthday to wish me Happy birthday, not only that he gave me presents that were well thought of. Stuff that I needed around the house.. I thought this was a way of him saying that he was sorry and wants to continue our relationship. I was so wrong, he said he still wants his space. I am so confused by his action.

 

I miss him badly, I miss his daily and nightly calls. I miss our time together.

I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to hear his voice.

 

I know could never forget him, so right now I am just trying to get over him because in my heart I know he moved on, and I should do the same thing.

[slothrop]

Hi,

 

Me again. I wasn't sure if I should post this but maybe it will be helpful some of you. I don't know, my brain basically stopped functioning somewhere on Sunday morning.

 

In my last post, I was talking about how my ex- has recently started dating again, which has caused a lot of pain for me since we are still friends, and to see her move on is pretty difficult to do.

 

About 2 days after I posted that, one of my best friends was killed in an automobile accident. Instantly. I'd had dinner with him the night before.

 

His friends and I have been sitting around the backyard of his house smoking cigarettes and crying for the past 5 days.

 

The past week has been about a bad a period in my life as I have ever had. In some way, it's almost been a release, in the sense that things are now SO HARD that I don't feel like I even have to pretend to be normal, and it's like I've been freed from trying to have to maintain the pretense of not feeling like hell.

 

I don't know what to say now to you all. I guess my advice is that you need to look into your heart and ask yourself if you really care for the people that you've lost in your relationships; ask yourself this: do you miss them for who they are, the strength of that emotional connection, or do you miss them because you are afraid to be without them? To live your own life without depending on someone else?

 

If you *truly* love them, then tell them so. Life is too short for bullshit, I just found that out this weekend. But be prepared to let them go too. If they don't love you back, that's ok. It'll hurt like hell, but dealing with truth is always better. At least you'll know for sure.

 

If your relationships are really over, find strength in yourself and in your friends. Rely on the people who do love you, and not the ones who don't. Life is too short. Don't waste your time with the people who don't love you, they're not worth it. Don't try and make them love you either. There *are* people who love you, or will love you once they get to know you, and those are the people who you should be investing your life into.

 

That's my advice for right now. I know the pain so many of you are in, and it helps me to know that we're not alone. Do realize tho, as I found out this weekend, it could be worse.

 

Bye for now.

[fionaterri2]

Thanks slothrop, well put.

[Luv_Suks]

Hey Slothrop

 

Thanks for putting things into perspective for me today. Wishing you and your other friends, strength to get thru this.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Kind Regards

[Cougar]

Slothrop,

 

My sympathies to you and your friends! I'll be thinking healing thoughts for you all.

 

Everyone else,

 

How are things going? It's been about a week since anyone posted and I just want to check in with everyone.

 

- C

[SF_mike]

hey again everyone...

 

Slothrop, so sorry to hear about your recent loss. I hope somehow you're feeling better. Thanks for posting your story and making those points...you're so right.

 

How is everyone else doing? Drudging along I guess (that's what I'm doing). I had been feeling better..making strides...but had a bit of a setback today. Real quickly, the 'stuff exchange' had been on hold...frankly, I just wasn't in the mood to deal with it although I know it needs to be done ASAP. We hadn't had contact in 2 weeks...Got a quick email note from her at the end of the workday today....saying 'hi'...she hopes I'm doing ok....etc...She also spoke about what fun we had last year at Halloween and how she was thinking of me (we had gone out with a big group of friends and saw band we love)....anyways the note caused me to churn out some tears as the 'ol hollow feeling bubbled to the surface again. I shot her a quick note and we're trying for the weekend. Told her I missed her...it just seemed to type itself...didn't really say anything else...no begging for another chance (I do have some pride here)

 

Anyways, I know the holidays will be real tough...we shared so much last year. Her birthday is in Nov...mine is a week later....I'm sure some of you have gone through this stage already...Any tips?

 

Can't believe it's been 2+ months....everyday still seems to be filled with ups & downs. More ups than downs...but the downs still hurt like hell. I wish my head and heart could somehow get in touch with each other and work something out

 

Booked a week for myself in Waikiki right before Thanksgiving...looking forward to getting out of the city for a few days...spending some time alone etc... vegging in the sun with some cocktails...Been to Maui 3 times but never Waikiki. What the hell right? Wish I could quit my job and drop out for awhile (good luck on your trip Luv_Sucks.....sounds like an incredible adventure is upcoming for you)

 

Anyways, keep posting as I do still come here often when I'm feeling the downs....I'll do the same....I really hope everyone is doing well.

 

Goodnight and don't eat too much candy Fri night (or drink too many shots)

 

Mike