studbaker99 Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 Every relationship is different - but I'm fairly confident that there's usually a recurring story. Without going into too much detail.. what is your story? did it happen out of the blue? was there conflict for weeks/months prior? was other people involved? Ok - I have a reason behind it - part of me would like to see if my story fits any of yours. Link to comment
jennyp Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 I think you should just post what happened so that others can relate. Link to comment
JoeWho Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 I find that its the same few stories over and over again with just a few details changed with each individual one. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 typically..I think when doubts start setting in on either side...Things get worse and worse...It becomes a push pull situation....in my opinion... Link to comment
Dako Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 Usually one person wants out of a relationship, the other doesn't, and there's a conflict. Afterward they both move on after a period of painful reflection. Sometimes it gets ugly. Link to comment
studbaker99 Posted September 5, 2007 Author Share Posted September 5, 2007 I had a bit of a fight with my gf two days ago about something that happened in the past before I met her (basically I found out that she and my current roomate hooked up before I met either of them).- I sort of blew up and brought some issues of trust about her ("what else havent u told me, that I need to ask you straight up to get an answer?" - she flirted with some guys online, which I only found out cuz I peeked at her email - so yes, double lack of trust...) Anyway, we kinda patched up, but she's been a bit cool towards me. In the past over other stuff we've gone through this before - after a couple days it's back to normal. But, maybe wondering if this time around it'll just actually fizzle out since this time the trust issue is a bit more of a harsher accusation and if we don't or can't trust each other, then really how can there be a relationship. There's more to this really - but it should be in a different post - so yeah - does this sound like we've just hitched up to the breakup train? Link to comment
JoeWho Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 If you dont do something about the trust issues in the relationship then yeah you are hooked up to that break up train Link to comment
Optigan Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 MY assessment, roughly: I don't think anybody has ever felt good in a relainship and then just all of a sudden up and decided to break up. So that's one thing - when the relationship ends, one side is already partly out of it. The other side, also known as "the dumpee" is probably, quite conversely, very, very deep in the relationship at the moment of the breakup. Why? Because s/he has been noticing the warning signs, but did his/her absolute best not to aknowledge them fully. So, while the other side (the mighty "dumper" was exiting the relationship, caring less and less, this person has been caring more and more, and spending a whole lot of energy on not admitting that things have gone very, very bad. So basically, at the moment of a breakup, the dumper is already pretty much out of the relationship, and the dumpee more in it than ever. All that the dumper has to do now is put that other foot over the fence. It's up to the dumpee now to get out of it him/herself too, which a bit harder since s/he is, by that point, in it over her/his head. The fact that the analyzing, reminiscing, guilt tripping, re-contacting etc turn the ground into a quicksand doesn't help much. Usually, everybody survives, though. Link to comment
studbaker99 Posted September 5, 2007 Author Share Posted September 5, 2007 optigan: that's a good overview of one of the facets of a breakup. Obviously here I am reading up on ena ..doesn't look like I'd be the dumper..ahah. Link to comment
Optigan Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 Well, you still might be one of the very few who do the "You can't fire me because I quit" thing. Link to comment
cabman Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 MY assessment, roughly: That assessment is spot on. I have been out of the relationship almost 7 weeks. I have been miserable. I sensed that there was a problem for months. I would ask if everything were ok and I would always get the same answer "yes". I saw her the other day. She was very happy. I could tell it was not an act. I asked her to tell me her secret. She told me it was because she let go months before we actually broke up. Would have been nice if I were in the loop. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 Thing is when people pull away, sometimes they don;t even know why they are doing it. When I lost my feelings for my ex, it felt like, all of a sudden, I couldn't STAND being around him. It was such a weird feeling and I didn;'t know how to deal, so I kinda pulled away from him. He chased hard. I completely shut him out because I didn;t know what ws going on with me. Then he dumped me and i was devastated and wanted to reconcile with him. Strange. I don't usually lose feelings for people like that. That was weird. But Optigan's post was spot on. Usually one person starts pulling away and that person usually ends up being the dumper. The person that is left behind usually knows something is wrong and doesn't know how to fix it, so they try to cling on or else try to placate the soon-to-be dumper. If things are like that, how can the dumpee fix things without alienating the dumper? Like if the dumpee can see the dumper starting to pull out of the relationship, instead of reacting by holding on, how can the dumpee react/act so as not to make the dumper more resolved to LEAVE the relationship? That's the delicate question. Link to comment
Optigan Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 If things are like that, how can the dumpee fix things without alienating the dumper? Like if the dumpee can see the dumper starting to pull out of the relationship, instead of reacting by holding on, how can the dumpee react/act so as not to make the dumper more resolved to LEAVE the relationship? That's the delicate question. I'm afraid the answer is rather simple: in such cases, pretty much everything one does or does not do is "wrong". Link to comment
studbaker99 Posted September 6, 2007 Author Share Posted September 6, 2007 I'm disheartened to hear that dumpers will still answer 'everythings fine' even when it isnt. How can we ever tell ? is it just a feeling on the part of the dumpee ? (i.e. the mere fact that the dumpee is asking is a telltale sign?) Are there any ways to get a heart-to-heart talk to try and intercept the dumper's thought cycles as it spirals down towards breakup, before 'out of the blue' they tell u they want to break up? Note that I said 'intercept' and not 'stop'... cuz at least if there's nothing to be saved, it would be nice to have a parting of ways with both people having some say over it. A sad but needed goodbye with mutual respect. Link to comment
bubblyblonde11 Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 was there conflict for weeks/months prior? Lots for quite sometime although toward the end they were getting less hence why he probably go scared and broke it off. Who knows. Link to comment
eleanorrigby1 Posted September 7, 2007 Share Posted September 7, 2007 wow very good! my life in a nutshell! ; ) Link to comment
eleanorrigby1 Posted September 7, 2007 Share Posted September 7, 2007 I'm disheartened to hear that dumpers will still answer 'everythings fine' even when it isnt. How can we ever tell ? is it just a feeling on the part of the dumpee ? (i.e. the mere fact that the dumpee is asking is a telltale sign?) Are there any ways to get a heart-to-heart talk to try and intercept the dumper's thought cycles as it spirals down towards breakup, before 'out of the blue' they tell u they want to break up? Note that I said 'intercept' and not 'stop'... cuz at least if there's nothing to be saved, it would be nice to have a parting of ways with both people having some say over it. A sad but needed goodbye with mutual respect. i went out with someone who continued to say "I love you too" right up until the day before they dumped me because.. they didnt love me! ha ha! makes me laugh now but at the time i thought "why the hell didnt you yell me sooner!!!" aghhhh Link to comment
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