Moments that changed you

[blueangel]

You are welcome! ^_^

 

you know, I dont know if this suggestion is too imposing or not (nor did I know if the last one was or not either), but volunteering with kids or finding a good cause to become interested in gives an extra slice of purpose to anyone's pie. Ok, that was corny. But really, when feeling alone, I usually look into stuff like this and then I forget about myself. My suffering goes into the background, and becomes a clear picture to me. Once suffering is looked at clearly or in terms of the big picture and so on, it becomes less evident in your life. I usually cringe during the whole church experience, but one day, the pastor started to talk about his own suffering, and said "If everyone around us just took off their masks, I think we'd all start living pretty differently." So if you ever read my posts and wonder why I'm so open and maybe a little out there, it's because of that one man's words. And another friend of mine, Grant or shysoul as he used to be called on this forum, lives by the words, "If nothing that we do matters, than all that matters is what we do." It's brought him a lot of peace of mind and happiness, and I'm beginning to adopt it myself.

 

Good luck to ya. Hope you share more moments. (hope more people share more moments! lol)

[just M.E.]

when I was 20 I went to work underground as a miner - 1973. Something of a milestone, 1st woman in this country (in modern times, who knows in unrecorded history)

 

When someone who tell me I couldn't do this or that, my answer was

"Just watch me"

 

Never got angry, just got determined.

 

sandyv - yes it can be painful, but it is also expanding and wonderful, knowing you can be ok with just yourself, it frees us. Starting from scratch gets tougher as we get older, we a little less resliliant but much more experienced. Next time the negative self trys to pull you down, just tell her "Just watch me"

[sandyv]

when I was 20 I went to work underground as a miner - 1973. Something of a milestone, 1st woman in this country (in modern times, who knows in unrecorded history)

 

When someone who tell me I couldn't do this or that, my answer was

"Just watch me"

 

Never got angry, just got determined.

 

sandyv - yes it can be painful, but it is also expanding and wonderful, knowing you can be ok with just yourself, it frees us. Starting from scratch gets tougher as we get older, we a little less resliliant but much more experienced. Next time the negative self trys to pull you down, just tell her "Just watch me"

 

Thanks Just m.e. ....

 

You are a wonderful inspiration, I truly appreciate what you've said....

 

Yeah sure I feel a little down about the things that have happened, but I also have the rest of my life to try to find little things that make life worth living....

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Sandy

[blueangel]

"Life is hard but you keep finding reasons to live"- Princess Mononoke movie

 

"Those with reasons to live have the real power to win" - C. Kagura

 

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

[blueangel]

Today, well, only a few seconds a go, my mom's boyfriend, Ray, walked downstairs, stopped halfway, saw me sitting on the floor and looked back and forth, mouthing the words,

 

"What are you doing?"

 

"homework!"

 

He nodded and walked downstairs, stopped again, and since I could still see him, I said "I see you."

 

he answered, "I see you too." then walked down to the kitchen where my mom was at, asking

 

"Weren't you two going to go to the zoo today or something?" After a while, I heard my name again, turned down the music coming from my computer and walked closer to the stairs

 

and I picked up these pieces of the conversation,

 

"you're always like it's all his fault, it's all him doing wrong. I know what I do, but I also know how I feel and how I want to feel. I want to be happy. I want to come home and get a kiss and when I leave. When I go to bed... When I speak, I want to be listened to and most times I'm not."

 

my mom: "well...you have to be more considerate."

 

"Oh whatever, Sue..." he turned and walked out the door, driving off.

[renaissancewoman101]

when you realize nothing is forever.

 

And that not all people will like you. I had a hard time dealing with that.

[blueangel]

when you realize nothing is forever.

 

And that not all people will like you. I had a hard time dealing with that.

 

Yeah, I'm going through that now. I look at some people, and try to be nice to them, but am often times rejected because it's cooler to be mean in high school.

[Belgian girl]

interesting question.. guess I will add more on it later.. what came on my mind by reading the title is:

 

I realised I see things from a different point of view so a lot is subjective and could be different on a later moment and so I shouldn't put a too high value on some things b/c they still could change

[renaissancewoman101]

your first breakup. Makes you realize that you can survive it and move on.

[Belgian girl]

that's true

[prizmpyxis]

This is a great thread, and I'm extremely lucky to have found it. Thanks for starting it blueangel.

 

Anyway, here is my story. It might be fairly long but the part that changed my life is at the end.

 

When I was 16-17, I was going through a lot of changes and problems in my life. I felt completely alone in the world, and I did not have a good relationship with my family at all (in particular my parents). I should also mention that my father was both physically and verbally abusive when I was growing up, although he stopped when I was about 13. Anyway, I was cutting myself on a daily basis, and having extreme thoughts of suicide. My parents didn't understand what I was going through, and instead of getting me the help I needed...they chose to ignore and belittle me. I remember telling my mother that I was going to take pills one night and she said, "You're not controlling my household." After that, all she did for me was lock up all the medicine in the house. My parents believed that I was cutting and doing everything I was doing for attention alone. They didn't realize that the problem ran much deeper than that. Looking back now, I realize that they made a lot of mistakes, but they really didn't know how to handle the situation. The first time I ever told my mother I cut myself, she cried her eyes out. The next time she just seemed angry.

 

Anyway, one night I decided to hang out with a guy who I had a really big crush on and had been seeing; he turned out to be a complete jerk. I realized that he didn't want ME as a person, and that he just wanted me for sex. Coupled with everything else that I had been going through and HAD went through (the abuse when I was a child...and many other small things), I felt like this was the last straw and it was time to end things. My mother was at work and my father was away in Florida on business. My parents had planned a huge vacation for their 25th wedding anniversary in Las Vegas and were going to leave in 2 days. Prior to this day, I had been taking benedryll to put myself to sleep, and all I wanted now was to go to sleep forever. I took 14 of the benedryll pills and one dramamine...it was all I could find that my mother hadn't locked away from me. While I was taking it I was also on the phone with a suicide hotline. The whole time he kept telling me things like, "Some people say that it feels like you're trapped in a box with no way out...does that sound right?" I know that he was doing his job and trying to relate to me, but he made me feel worse. Eventually he called the police and they came and brought me to the hospital. I was there for around 2 days just to get hydrated and then I was brought to a mental institution. I remember crying the entire time, and just being terrified of what my father would say when he came back from his business trip.

 

Here's the part that changed my life:

When my father arrived at the mental hospital almost four days later...I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I felt guilty about ruining my parent's trip and making them lose so much money (they didn't go to las vegas because of me). I also expected him to be extremely unsupportive and angry given our past relationship. I didn't have to look at him though. He opened up his arms and hugged me for two minutes straight. Prior to that I couldn't remember the last time we had hugged. He realized that I needed help and he made that his top priority. He got me out of that horrible place where I learned so much in less than an hour. He drove me to a psychiatrist the next day where I was prescribed Lexapro. My father has not laid a hand on me since I was 13, my mother, ...or any of my siblings. He also stopped belitting us, although he can still say hurtful things to my mother, it's a drastic improvement. He also sat me down and had a genuine talk with me about how I was feeling, and explained to me that he had experienced depression in his 20's. My father is a very private person and I had never had a conversation with him like that before. Since then, my family has been much closer and I tell my parents everything. They are always there for me, and have always supported me to no end. I really believe that our parents do the best job that they know how, and that they try their hardest to make us happy. We all make mistakes, and sometimes you have to learn to forgive if someone shows you that they are truly ready to change.

[redrose85]

This is such a great topic thread

 

Well blueangel, though you're 5 years younger than me and still in hs, you have experienced so much. You're clearly a very strong person either in spite of, or because of that.

 

I've only had one really defining moment in my life, but it was the day I left my ex boyfriend. It was probably the difference between life and death for me, seeing as I was having suicidal thoughts really often. When things were really bad, and I had no family and friends to turn to, I often contemplated throwing myself into oncoming traffic. A complete contrast from who I was before I allowed myself to be sucked in by that relationship.

 

I was being suffocated in every sense of the word, and he was turning to drugs and alcohol to numb old wounds from his difficult past, and it finally got out of control. He started stealing my money to pay for his habits, and bills weren't getting paid, we were moving from place to place constantly... At one point, we were living in a tent in his Dad's backyard. That was still not my all time low.

 

He faked a phone call from a doctor saying that I was pregnant (I wasn't, but I wanted an escape from the hell that was my life so badly that I began to experience what is called a psychosomatic pregnancy.) That means that I felt a lot of the symptoms, and my stomach even bloated out. He told people I was pregnant, though we had no real proof... he would "make" doctor's appointments for me, and watch as I cried my heart out every time something would happen to cancel it. Deep down I think I knew for sure that I wasn't, but I needed love in my life so badly, and I needed someone to love me. He created the idea of twins, and we dreamed of names and a future sharply contrasting with the present. He told all his friends and most of his family, and I didn't have friends of my own, and didn't want to make him angry, so I played along. I'm lucky to have some of those friends as my own friends now, who stuck by me even after all the lies. They recognize that something was really really wrong with me. I wasn't even a person. In the years with him, I often thought of myself as a shadow of a person, a shell of the person I used to be.

 

I was a miserable wreck, and so was he. The thought of my own children, my own baby, was the only bright spot in my life. After his mother died (she was abusive to him, he said) he fell apart. At some point, he began spending entire nights out doing god knows what. He'd come back plastered nearly every night, and I would cry myself to sleep, get up for work at 3:30 AM, only to have my money stolen from me by him. He would sneak my debit card in the middle of the night and spend it on booze, drugs, munchies, whatever he wanted.

 

I remember one morning I woke up, and found a girl's number in his pants pocket, with a condom. We weren't using them needless to say, wanting to have a baby. We both needed unconditional love in the worst way, which is why. Plus, it was all about status for him. First to get a serious gf, first to get engaged, would be first to get married and have a kid. That's what really mattered to him. His grandmother described it as "I was a pawn in his sick little game". I tried to love him, but I had nothing left after all he'd put me through. The mask fell off, and I didn't recognize him anymore. I discovered that basically everything he'd ever told me was a lie.

 

That moment did it for me. I didn't even get mad or anything. I didn't cry. This calm came over me, and I was able to confide everything in a friend later that day at work. He took me to the doctor's, who confirmed that no he never called my ex, and no I was not pregnant. To this day, some of the people I worked with give me dirty looks, thinking that I made the whole thing up, but I just can't bring myself to explain it all, and don't feel as though I am required to. F*** them I think to myself... they don't need to know, and have no business knowing. Still I feel ashamed when I see them.

 

The moment I found out I was for sure not pregnant, I knew that was my one chance to get out before the ex started getting physically abusive, as well as emotionally (he did his best to convince me that I was the flawed one, that I was bipolar, crazy, dependent, depressed). So I took it, and that was two years ago as of August 20th, and I've honestly never looked back. From there, my life has steadily improved, and I love where I am at today. I've found real love, I've gotten my self-worth back, and life is basically rosy. And I worked for all of it. I know that I deserve all of it, and no one can tell me otherwise. Now, I thank god that I wasn't able to get pregnant, and that I was able to leave when I did. Otherwise, I really don't think I'd be here today. So, for whatever reason, I was finally ready to tell my story. You guys, my boyfriend, best friend, and my sister, are the only people who know, but this is pretty much anonymous, so it's okay

[blueangel]

It seems I'm always being rejected somehow, ignored on some level. My soul has been through winding roads, and I have yet to see the end of it.

 

My life story started of course when I was young, but really started as I grew old in my early youth years. I saw myself rejected, I saw my parents unhappy and then breaking apart, the conflict, the forced situation of two home lives and two pyscho lovers of my parent's waiting at each door. Elaine for my dad. Ray for my mom.

 

It hurt to go through. I stopped knowing who to be, and I was shy to begin with. My experience of life from an early age went spiraling down to dark silence. But my heart was always pounding, screaming so much. No one heard. I remember writing dark matieral as I got into my teens, not the morbid kind, but the sad kind...wondering about life and meaning, as I was torn inside, completely instable with myself and insecure.

 

As I got into my teens, Elaine was diagnosed with brain cancer and then died. I got to make my peace with her before she left, but it was her son, Tanner, her little boy, I had trouble with after. I never really got to see him much- everything slowly change with Elaine quickly deceased. My dad got remarried a month later and a new stepmom and stepbrother were brought into my life.

 

But I always think of Tanner. As I've been through more heartbreak through the years, I realized I had to be slightly on my toes, slightly guarded against my peers and so on. A few of them burned me greatly...and I burned them back, trust me. In the ways I could, because I'm truly a soft, gentle person at heart.

 

Tanner is the only person I feel selfless when thinking about, when around. There is no guard, only outpouring love. I hope he doesn't feel as though I have abandoned him because I do send things, and then I calll every once in a while. I remember how I felt when I saw my older half brother, Kevin, less and less through my elementary year when I had grown so attached.

 

Tenth grade was the worst- I was put on wellbutrin which made me hallucinate Elaine haunting, or the large panic at least that she was all the time. I couldn't be alone anywhere, I couldn't be in the dark, look in mirrors, in any reflections, or walk by curtains. The suffering inside I faced was tremendous and I broke down a lot.

 

For the last two weeks of tenth grade, I was in the psych ward being weened off the pills. I feel intense panic every night, and keeping it under control with no one to comfort me was living h-e-ll.

 

I've never screamed harder or more than I did in that time period, felt so much grief and distress over fast changes in homelife situations once again (I remember one moment, I was in the kitchen with karen my stepmom and all her family who was over, and I was going out of my mind thinking, "where's Elaine? Where's my Tanner?" over and over again.)

 

That summer after I was released from the hospital, I would sit and just stare, blanking out in some form of silent shock that had taken over my soul. And the bending road continues.

 

I still really dont have a lot of attention from friends, and suppess my hopelessness/overwhelmedness a lot. I feel a lot of sexual impulses, or strong desires that make my heart sore and a lot of aggressive impulses from time to time towards my mother or towards myself from time tme.

 

Life after all that is still not easy on me now, and I'm in my last year of high school. I feel spacey when at work (I am new there so could explain why) and slow to pick up things. I feel desperate with people to listen to me or see me. Sometimes I get loud, at least for a brief second, and when I realize no one responding, I die down again and disappear in solitude, walking among the crowd but alone. Yet, I seem to be happy anyways. I seem to bring myself back up again in my solitude. I seem to want to learn how to bring other people up...which is one of the reasons I come on here. That and also, of course to be heard. It's a human thing.

 

What got me through all of that at the time was the strong belief that God had a plan for me to use it, use what happened for something big. To do great things, to reach people in great ways. But I still fear people, and their lack of outwardly love when I try to let them all the way in. It feels all like a stage to me, a play, a game.

 

And all of these moments, these realizations have changed me.

[blueangel]

I let myself be strong and objective as I wrote that but another one of my suppressed desires is to be held and cared about. I guess as even we get older, we are always learning how not to be a child.

[redrose85]

^

 

But don't forget about the child within while you grow up

[Miss Firecracker]

blueangel,

 

I have watched both my children having hallucinations. It is the most terrifying experience in my life.

 

When my son was on a trial antidepressant a couple of weeks ago, he gradually crossed over into another world. His older brother was on the way down our stairs, and he said, "Look, can you see the ghost following brother downstairs?" And chills went all over me.

 

I could never respond about the children's research hospital because words cannot express the experience.

 

I hope you do well in your senior year of HS, blueangel. You've been through so much for your very young age.

[blueangel]

blueangel,

 

I have watched both my children having hallucinations. It is the most terrifying experience in my life.

 

When my son was on a trial antidepressant a couple of weeks ago, he gradually crossed over into another world. His older brother was on the way down our stairs, and he said, "Look, can you see the ghost following brother downstairs?" And chills went all over me.

 

I could never respond about the children's research hospital because words cannot express the experience.

 

I hope you do well in your senior year of HS, blueangel. You've been through so much for your very young age.

 

Thank you so much. I've needed such kind words towards those memories for a long time now.

 

I'm ok now. I realize antidepressents are too powerful some of them. Not for teens with developing brains. Hallucinating Elaine haunting me was heart wrenching because it was someone I knew and had conflicts with in life.

 

I appreciate your reply so much. Thank you. If anything, I learned that people who are losing their minds, with mental handicaps and so on have the worst type of suffering there is. It gave me understanding and compassion.

 

And those memories are like from another life anymore.

 

-Sarah

[Mavh25]

There are so many.

 

The day my sister was given 6 months.

[blueangel]

There are so many.

 

The day my sister was given 6 months.

 

Oh wow. I'm so sorry.

[Mavh25]

Thank you =) we've been lucky, that was 3 years ago. She's a little trooper O=)

 

You've been through alot, must be really mind altering. You seem like a lovely lass =)

[blueangel]

Thank you =) we've been lucky, that was 3 years ago. She's a little trooper O=)

 

You've been through alot, must be really mind altering. You seem like a lovely lass =)

 

She IS a trooper. Do you mind if I ask what was wrong?

 

Same to you.

[beckyfisher]

Hi my name is becky and ive written posts before based on my dead pet dying on me his name was noodles he was a ferret i loved him like i loved no other, tomorow im going to get a holland lop rabbit im worried about sneaking it in to my apartment (My dad usually doesnt go into my apartment) he doesnt want me getting a rabbit or i dont even know if thats the case he did say when the ferret comes the new one all animals out, do u think he can make the exception to let me keep the rabbit. The thing is i dont want to get too attached to the rabbit to tthen lose something again so im going to make it straight i have a plan b and plan c plan b my bf has it at his house with his mom or c take him to the vet 3 bucks a day and spend the day in the apartment with the bunny

[Mavh25]

Yeah you may ask =) there are lost of things, she was born with a hole in her heart, she also suffers with epilepsy, brain damage and a condition called Tuberous Sclerosis. Funnily enough the thing that mainly caused her worst time was when she suffered with Chronic sinusitis, she went into a deep depression and then we got told the news, but she's going ok now =) She sleeps alot though which is quite sad =(

[Shadows Light]

Very nice topic BlueAngel.....

 

So many learnings in this lifetime to capture them in this brief moment in a post.....

 

 

1. Infertility - Not being able to have children for 8 years. The pain, anguish and struggle. Years of research, myriads of Dr. visits in finding a solution, resolution and path toward our goal of having children. If I could have done anything differently... I would have had me be the one who had the physical problems. I think I'd have weathered it better. What did I learn from this experience.... hope, faith and perseverance.

 

2. Giving birth. I was fortunate enough to have two singleton pregnancies. Beating all the odds. The miracle of conception.... .is nothing to the miracle of feeling fluttering hands and feet dancing inside your belly in tune to whatever music is on the radio at that very moment. The AWE... of both my baby girls first breath... holding them to my breast... and those knowing little eyes looking up at me as if to say... "hello mom, its been a long journey home. Hold me and love me forever."

 

3. The demise of my marriage. Watching my house of cards tumble to the ground. So much blood sweat and tears poured into an 18 year relationship. And coming to the realization that I can change me.... I can fix me... I can't fix or change somone else. Realizing that we all have choices.

 

4. The wake up call.... the day that my X went after my little girl to hit her. She was 2. She accidently spilled her fries on the floor. The look of rage in his eyes and the sudden change in atmosphere is what I felt before I lept to her defence. Like a mother lioness protecting her cub.. snarling. In that moment... I realized... you might have done it to me... and somehow.. somewhere it became ok... but its not ok to hit my babies. No one will do this to them.

 

5. My fathers death bed. I made the connection that the choices I made in my life were because I'd been trained. I went from one abuser to another. The connection.... father, brother, husband.... and then any male authorty figure who held my life in balance. with my dads death... I cut the cord. I forgave my father.. I understood him. He did what he was taught... he did what he knew how to do with the information he had... he didn't know how to break the cycle. I held my father's hand for a week and watched him die. My X... said.. "why? you know he wouldn't have done it for you. He'd have let you rot." Maybe. But I'm not him... no one deserves to die alone. He's a human being. And he's my father. who inspite of those hidden deamons the majority of the world didn't see... was a good man.

 

6. The day that I filed for divorce. The freedom I felt. I knew in my heart of hearts I'd tried everything. Counseling. The church. Every self help and 12 step book known... and there was no saving the Titanic... it was sinking and sinking fast. The day I made the decision and my bid for freedom... sticks with me.

 

7. Suicidal thoughts. Ever have a deamon crawl into your head and whisper sweet nothings in your ear? ok... so that waxes poetic. The day I filed for divorce may have given me a spring in my step... but undoing 18 years of training and leaving the comfort zone proved to be very painful. Like having a gang-greene right arm...and having to perform an amputation.. without the benefits of any pain meds. There's an great analogy for you. It was painful and I just wanted to escape the pain... escape. Thoughts kept leeping into my head of an easy way out... no more pain. Yep... I had a plan. And Yes.. I planned to execute that plan. What stopped me??? fate. For whatever reason that day... my oldest daughter who never naps.. fell asleep on the couch. My mother took my youngest to her house leaving the oldest with me. So I can get some rest. She was supposed to take both. She took one. The moment I saw my baby sleeping so beautiful.... so peaceful... so angelic.... I knew. I could not do it. Instead... I picked up the phone, and called my MD. "I'm in trouble, I have a problem".. .I don't know if it was the intervention of fate or more powerful hands... but in that moment.. I let go... and from there let the white water rapids of life.. .take me.. and allowed friends and family to take care of me. Drawing strength from them... because I knew.. I had none left.

 

8. A kiss... A simple kiss can turn your life on a dime.

 

9. My motorcycle... not everyday is a good day.. not every ride is a good ride... but there are some days that you feel one with your bike, one with the rode, one with nature, and flying on the wind like a hawk riding the thermals. I picked up a new sport... I ride a motorcycle. Hey... you never see a bike parked in front of a shrinks office do you??? My motorcycle has been my shrink. I meet so many new and exciting people almost daily. The stereotype of a biker is much like the old Cowboy desperado stereotype... I ride through the countryside... and go coffee-shop hopping... or ice-cream store hopping... how's that to break the stereotype image??? lol.

 

10. My children. When I see their faces light up in wonder. When my oldest gets all excited to tell me something knew she learned... "Mama, ya wanna know something?" When my youngest tells me she was naughty... "just a little mamma.." with that little impish grin of hers or when its time to put them to bed and I get to hold them in my lap and we talk about what the best thing that happened to us today. Those are moments I cherish.

 

*** The biggest learning for me.. and thats quite recently.. is the cumulative damage that can be done to a child by abuse. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse and phsycial abuse. On the outside that child can appear quite normal... and be living a quite normal and successful existence. But under the surface... where all the gears and mechanisms work... thats where the damage is done. A child who is abused.. will grow up and gravitate to abusive type of people. Why? because that is what is learned... its comfortable. It feels... "Normal". Even if you "KNOW"... black and white... "KNOW" about what abuse is... you may not really have the full scope of it. You may rationalize... "Ohh well its not as bad as... this... or that... or that person." There is so much lattitude between One end of the spectrum to nuclear war if you catch my drift. I've learned to look in the mirror... and I've learned to look deeply. Today... I can see that although the few MEN in my life were separate entities.... different people... they all had a connection. They are all people who had some power or authority over me... and they are all people who were abusive to different degree's. Of course I didn't chose my father or brother..... but I certainly chose my husband and boyfriends.... MY CHOICE... and understanding why I made those choices.... the AHA!!!! Moment... was very important. It helps me understand... me. Helps me be a better person... a better friend, lover and mother.

 

Who was it that quoted....

 

"Mans ultimate goal in life is to give birth to himself." That... is what I am in the midst of doing.

[beauty21]

Yes.

 

Starting when I hit middle school. My parents started to really be mean to me. I don't remember doing anything wrong, except being boy crazy. My mom always sided with my dad and never wanted to hear anything I had to say. I have two other sisters. No brothers. I'm the middle child. My lil sis would always say, "Angie, they just don't like you". That really hurt me because if my lil sis can see it then I knew it wasn't just me. When I hit high school that is when things got worse. I ran away when I was 17. That is when I met my now ex boyfriend. We moved in together, got our own place. That's where the abuse started. He would punch me in the face whenever he got upset with me. One time he choked me so hard and for so long I passed out and woke up vomiting. Another time, we were in the bathroom he pushed me thru the shower curtain and I hit my head on the wall. I was on the phone with my friend and she heard, she called my parents, they called the police.

 

In the middle of him choking me, the police knocked, BOOM, BOOM, OPEN UP! My ex ran to the bathroom about to jump out of the window, I jumped out with him and we ran together. I was so in love back then I never had the heart to leave him. The abuse continued. We moved in with his grandmother. She was a real, nasty old lady that claimed to be religious. She called me names and cursed me out all the time and I was paying her rent, my ex wasn't. One day, I was listening to Faith Hill just chilling. My ex came home, he didn't want to hear that and said to cut it off. I said no, I'm listening to this when i am done I will let you watch somthing. We started arguing, he punched me so HARD in my temple I fell to the ground my eyes twitching. A knot grew immediately on the side of my face I could not move my eye, up and down or side to side. Next day, my whole white part in my eye was red. My eye was black/purple and a fat knot on the side of my head. Imagine how I looked. My eyeball was in excruciating pain I cried for about a week from being in so much pain. It took a month to fully heal.

Still I stayed.

 

He cheated on me constantly. My last straw with him is when he cheated on me with a 13 year old. I could not believe it. So I left and moved in with my cousin. I planned to kill him. He had his own place by this time. One time before I broke in his apartment using a credit card to open the lock, so I had my way in when the time was ready. I searched the internet for gun shops. I bought one. I broke into his apartment, hid in the closet and waited for him to come in. My plan was to shoot him 2 times in the face and shoot whoever else was with him. I didn't care if I got caught that's how messed up I was. Anyway, he ended up not coming home and I always wondered why GOD gave him a guardian angel.

 

I didn't proceed with my plan after that, I let it go and him. I cried so much after that. I felt so alone and broken inside. I didn't have anyone. I got onto drugs. Ecstasy and marijuana. And I was drinking crazy. (I started drinking when the abuse began). I popped 7 ecstasy pills at one time, I felt like I was walking on air. I was not showing into work, they were calling. I ignored them. I smoked so much weed with pills and liquor, EVERDAY. The pills made me happy and talkative and outgoing. I loved the feeling. No one could hurt me. So one day I was babysitting my baby cousin and she was crying and wouldn't stop. In my head I grabbed her and threw her like a football into the wall. She is a newborn baby. And she was not crying anymore. I immediately called my cousin to come and get her. I started crying after that, because I couldn't believe what I was thinking of doing. I knew those drugs I were taking were giving me evil thoughts and I needed help.

 

I needed someone to save me. No one was there for me. I was all alone. One day I remember talking to GOD and it's like I could almost hear him talking back. Telling me that I was strong and I could do this. Cause I was telling him, why not just let me die. I was crying my heart out couldn't hardly breathe. Then there was no more money. I had stopped going to work so I had no more money. I couldn't buy the drugs anymore. Plus, the drug dealer moved. That is when my current bf came into my life. I finally had someone to listen to me and keep me company. Then I knew GOD had made a way. And I'm crying just reading this - bear with me...

 

Taking the way I was abusing drugs there is no telling where I would be now. And even though I blamed alot of people I knew I was the one making the mistakes. I should have left my ex, I could have talked more with my parents. There was always something I could have done differently to avoid what happened to me. But I went thru it all and I made it thru. I'm still alive, still breathing and that is all that matters. I'm drug-free and sober and that's the best thing. I showed up at work after being absent for a month, without calling and had a talk with my boss. He listened as I cried and told him my story. GOD made it so that he'd understand and I was able to continue on the job. And that was 5 months ago.

 

My lil sis had a daughter last year. Everyone says she looks so much like me. She is the apple of my eye and she brung our family closer together. She is our blessing in disguise. Now, I actually sit down and have conversation with my mom and my dad. I give them hugs and kisses something they have never done or me. I tell them both I love them everytime I leave. I chose to be the one to make things right between us, cause I love them. And all I want is for us to be a family and love eachother like we should. I love my niece so much. I like to think of her as my heart. You can't see it, you can't hear it, but it's there. It's your whole universe, it's everything.

 

Now, I have two best friends that are going thru abuse with their bf's. It breaks my heart that they actually saw what I went thru with my ex and they are now going thru it themselves. And it's not like they are gonna listen to me when I say leave, cause they are going to have to come to terms with that on their own. The bad part about it is, they were putting me down when I was going thru it, I can't seem to just stand back and let this happen to them and say, hahaha. I don't want to. The only thing I can do is be there for them when they need to talk to someone or if they need a place to stay. I'm afraid it's out of my hands.

 

May GOD bless you blueangel. I'm glad you started this thread.