tmp0620 Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 definitely the way to go. It's very hard to find girls like that at my age unfortunately. I think it has a lot to do with uncertainty though. Link to comment
Lily04 Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 definitely the way to go. It's very hard to find girls like that at my age unfortunately. I think it has a lot to do with uncertainty though. hmm i was like that but I think it actually backfired lol... Link to comment
tmp0620 Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 hmm i was like that but I think it actually backfired lol... A lot of guys are confused at our age too . Link to comment
Rainz Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 All the men I know personally where we've had this debate. All different walks of life, ages, stages of life etc...they all have pretty much in their own words told me the same thing. That they think it's nice and flattering for a woman to initiate and take the lead from time to time as generally it does tend to be the men that do that. However when it comes to finding a woman who could be a potential life-partner they would prefer to do the initiating, taking the lead during the early courtship stages. Having the woman be receptive to their interest and building up to a relationship from that point. Link to comment
bubblyblonde11 Posted August 27, 2007 Author Share Posted August 27, 2007 Well, not an oops - you chose to get drunk and chose to get on the computer when you are drunk. I think that's great that you are being honest with yourself about just wanting a fling. Thank you, yeah it would just be nice to have short term fling with someone and being honest I don't think with everything going on in my life right now it would be the right time to contemplate a serious relationship anyway. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 Sounds good, just wanted to make sure you weren't settling since he didn't call you right away to ask you out. Link to comment
bexcelant Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 The whole chase and pursue thing is a game. I don't like games, I'd rather move straight to the real stuff instead of having a carrot dangled in front of my face. definitely agree with you. If I pursue, I better see some reciprocal action. if she plays hard to get, well I'd just as soon go C'ya!! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 A man making more of the calls and doing more of the asking out in the beginning isn't "chasing" behavior - if the woman responds enthusiastically to the asking. It's not game playing. Link to comment
bubblyblonde11 Posted August 27, 2007 Author Share Posted August 27, 2007 A man making more of the calls and doing more of the asking out in the beginning isn't "chasing" behavior - if the woman responds enthusiastically to the asking. It's not game playing. Like you I thought this is what men prefer, not to chase but pursue - as men like a challegne and to hunt - if a girl just offers it on a plate sure you'd sleep with her but that would be it, if men what a LT relationship they like to put effort in and think that he is special to her and would not just go for anyman?????????? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 I wouldn't go so far as that. I think a bit of a challenge, a bit of mystery isn't such a bad thing. As long as a woman has an interesting and fulfilling life all she needs to do if she finds herself smitten is to remind herself that she needs to keep things in perspective and not drop everything just for someone she barely knows. The problem is when someone who is needy/lonely meets someone she is smitten with and has too much free time and not enough self-confidence to have reasonable boundaries as to her availability. But, since you decided that you only want a fling for now these so-called rules don't apply - so just have fun! Link to comment
Miss M Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 Hiya DD, me again, not scary, I promise. My point is that you should make your own success rather than rely on others. It goes both ways. But you also have to understand simple supply and demand. If you are a attractive woman and find two guys attractive out at a bar, yet one guy is being very friendly and open to you and the other stands back waiting for you to ask him out, most women will of course be more likely to work with the guy who's assisting her by making the effort himself. So I'm trying to say that guys shouldn't sit back and complain that women don't ask them out enough, there may be reasons like that going on. Make your own success. This is interesting. I was once having a debate with a girl friend about this. She said if there's more than one man (or a room full of men) the first guy to approach her shows proactive behavior, and she thought that was a good sign, and she'd be more impressed with him than those who hang back. But I saw it differently, because I think the first guy to step up shows too much eagerness, and I'm much more inclined to notice the guy who hangs back. But I think it also depends a lot on each of us, what type of people we attract. I know from experience that the first guys to jump to the head of the line grinning in my face are usually the types that don't interest me at all. Eager men who want to beat a path to me as if it's a competitive race are a huge turn off. But those guys who look me over with a little skepticism seem much more logical, because they seem to be thoughtfully considering if I'm what they really want. I do know that that's not necessarily what they're thinking, but their hesitancy is much more appealing to me than those other eager beavers. Whenever a guy jumps to the front of the line I automatically visualize a big X on his face. Of course, the guy who hangs back has to also indicate he is interested, because I'm also not interested in a man who isn't interested in me. It has to be mutual interest, and he has to meet me half way. But yeah, the guy at the front of the pack can totally forget it. As to who should chase or not, I think it varies. There are some men who never chase, and some women who are not interested in being chased but who thoroughly enjoy the chasing. If they find each other it's a good match and no one should tell them to do it differently if that's what suits each of them. I'm capable of showing a guy clear interest, reaching out to him first, but I'm not very strong on the chasing end for more than that initial interest. If he needs me to chase him intensely, then we're not a good match because that's just not me. I do know women who are strong chasers, and they can't be like me because it would drive them totally nuts. But they always seem to find guys who like them, those guys who thoroughly like when the woman chases and takes control. Link to comment
bubblyblonde11 Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 I wouldn't go so far as that. I think a bit of a challenge, a bit of mystery isn't such a bad thing. As long as a woman has an interesting and fulfilling life all she needs to do if she finds herself smitten is to remind herself that she needs to keep things in perspective and not drop everything just for someone she barely knows. The problem is when someone who is needy/lonely meets someone she is smitten with and has too much free time and not enough self-confidence to have reasonable boundaries as to her availability. But, since you decided that you only want a fling for now these so-called rules don't apply - so just have fun! Ahh but thinking about the future when I do, then I'll need to know whats what and how to go about it! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Ahh but thinking about the future when I do, then I'll need to know whats what and how to go about it! Yes, I understand. My take is that you do want that now but are not willing to wait for the man to do more of the calling, asking and planning (as you discussed on your other thread, getting drunk and sending an email to someone you met through an on line site). It's not easy to wait (been there, done that, many times over) but it's also not easy to tell yourself "ok I just want a fling then" when it's not really true. You're not "lying" but from all your threads and posts about wanting a relationship it seems odd that you've done such an about face and right when you decided to write to someone who hadn't yet contacted you. I've been there, done that too with the rationalizing. Link to comment
bubblyblonde11 Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 Lol I know I'm nuts!! Tee hee hee. Hard when you fancy someone to be so strong, hey I waited over a week.....not bad....LMAO I wish I could understand all thoughts/feelings etc that chop and change from one day to the next - now wouldn't that be blissful (I could also make a lot of money from a book deal I'm sure) Thanks hun you are right about things you have said, I think anyway even if others think differently. Link to comment
Luke Skywalker Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 I do not understand 'chasing' women...women make choices of what guys they like and are either interested or not interested. If you are chasing then that just sets you up to being a chump or being used by her, assuming any positive outcome comes from it. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 yes, that's what I thought. there is nothing wrong with contacting a man in the beginning - at all - other than the risk that you are taking away what he feels more comfortable doing and/or might come accross as too needy/clingy/desperate. My point is though that it doesn't make it wrong to contact - you are an individual and if the benefits- giving in to your impulse to contact - is worth the risk, that's totally up to you. But, I would try to be consistent internally because you don't want to get into a situation where you pretend to be ok with a fling and then get angry at the guy when he is ok with a fling too. Link to comment
Miss M Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 I do not understand 'chasing' women...women make choices of what guys they like and are either interested or not interested. If you are chasing then that just sets you up to being a chump or being used by her, assuming any positive outcome comes from it. I don't understand the idea of chasing either. And I've been told my behavior is totally confusing to the guys who think I'm being aloof because I want to be chased. Some who like to chase can't figure me out when I don't respond in the typical way. But those who resent chasing women get annoyed when they assume I'm waiting to be chased (even if I've made no indication of that). For the chasers I take all the fun out of it, and the men who like to be chased think I don't like them because I won't chase them. Every once in a while a guy figures me out (that I'm incapable of playing cat an mouse) and if there's mutual interest we might explore more. But being completely uninterested in "games" seems I'm definitely one of a small minority. Link to comment
JoeWho Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 I am not chasing any women. I like to pursue but not chase. If a girl isnt showing enough interest or I feel like I am doing more of the contacting then I just stop. I feel like there are so many girls out there that why should I waste my time on someone who is half assing it when I could easily find someone who is a bit more serious. Link to comment
Lily04 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 I like a bit of a chase as it's intriguing (and i'm a woman), but at the same time I don't like games... it makes me feel like he's lost interest and then i'll usually back off, so it can backfire too if the person doesn't understand that you're playing... like now...my bf isn't as interested in chatting and i don't know exactly why... unfortunately I've also decided I don't quite miss him either...as much as i like him. we went from seeing each other everyday to only once a week and minimal contact in between and then he even blows off plans at times (and we've only been seeing each other about a month...) my friends told me at first he's playing games because i did tell him i like guys who are hard-to-get which was why i dated some guys who turned out to be players... but i'm now questioning...and unfortunately losing trust in him, and forcing myself to lose inerest as well as a result... so lesson learned guys... if you're trying to get a girl to like you, *show interest* and be intriguing...don't act aloof and stupid because it won't work. Link to comment
Lily04 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 I am not chasing any women. I like to pursue but not chase. If a girl isnt showing enough interest or I feel like I am doing more of the contacting then I just stop. I feel like there are so many girls out there that why should I waste my time on someone who is half assing it when I could easily find someone who is a bit more serious. exactly. i share these sentiments... Link to comment
Lily04 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 my friend just suggested proposing plans in advance and if there is hestiation or flaking then that will not be so good for him... that's a good idea. BUT... as the girl, should I really be proposing plans? it's just that typically i sort of like guys to work for me... i mean i've dated jerks/players in the past who didn't want to put in effort and i don't want it to turn ino that...in other words, i don't want to be chasing after him. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 I think you simply keep declining nicely the last minute offers until he understands that he needs to make plans in advance. He will make the effort if he is sincerely interested. Link to comment
Lily04 Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 I think you simply keep declining nicely the last minute offers until he understands that he needs to make plans in advance. He will make the effort if he is sincerely interested. this is what I thought but my friend said he'll probably take it the wrong way and think i'm not interested if I keep declining to meet with him. He may not click that "maybe it's because i'm not making plans in advance" he may just conclude that 'oh so she's not cool with meeting me anymore..." Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 Well, no, it's how you say it: "thanks so much for the invitation - I would love to but I already made plans for this evening - wish you would have let me know sooner, oh well!" Link to comment
Lily04 Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 maybe i should just be more spontaneous and not think so much. Link to comment
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