i thought he wouldnt get physical......

[GypsyGurl]

My boyfriend and i have been dating for a year...yesterday actually. we fite alot. its mostly verbally abusing each other. him calling me names and always being rite. we broke up and got back together....he never got physical till now...

 

I was trying to sleep in his bed it was 1130pm. he had just finished work, i was to work at 8am tomorrow. He was on his computer which is a foot away from the base of the bed. I said baby i love you im going to sleep. he called me a goof cause i wouldnt wait up for him for sex. It was 1145pm and i couldnt sleep because the glare from the computer and his typing was bothering me. I asked him (with my earplugs in) if he could come to bed. He mumbles something, i cudnt hear him cause my earplugs were in and i took one out and i said what? he was going on about how i should be leaving him alone cause i was supposedly goin to bed and that i was the one that didnt want to wait for him to finish with what he was doing to come to bed. He said " off leave me alone and stop ". I said babe how would you feel if i was the one on the computer typing away and you were trying to sleep. He said close your eyes and you wont see the glare, put a pillow over your head. He said If you werent at me rite now then i could be done what I was doing faster and then I could come to bed. I said babe im not im just telling you that it doesnt make me feel important when your on your comp and I would like you beside me so we could go to bed and the glare from the comp is bothering me. He said you do it all the time, I said when have I done it. The last time I was up later than you and talking to my roomie you got pissy. He said thats because we had things we were going to be doing in bed, i dunno what he meant by that. I said how would this make you feel, trying to get him to answer the question. He didnt answer and tried to blame my on the fact that i wasnt getting sex from him or that I was worrying what he was doing on the computer. I said it wasnt about that and that I just wanted him to come to bed. he said just get used to it. i said ok you are getting way to angry and im leaving. he said your being ridiculous, just go to sleep. i said ok fine then lets make a compromise, if in fact im working late when we are living together then am i allowed to have computer time before bed for 45min-1hr as well if im working late and you are trying to sleep. he wouldnt answer my question and kept interrupting me asking me the same question, how long were you on your computer for today? i responded and said about an hour. and he said see then leave me alone!. I said but it wasnt when you were trying to sleep and it was when you werent around. he got mad and starting telling me to shut the up. I said i cant talk to you like this, im trying to compromise with you. i wouldnt care about the fact that your on your comp rite now if was allowed the same thing in return. in the past he has gotten upset that im online or on the computer in front of him. he then got up and said actually you im an adult i get to do what i want and just shut your mouth. I said ok obviously you wont listen to what im saying and your too angry so screw it im just goin to bed. I put my earplugs back in and try to sleep. he lays next to me. i can hear him saying things that are muffled cause my earplugs are in. i take one out. hes saying he needs a few days to himself for awhile. he needs a vacation to me. i said you really are trying to make this a huge fight arnt you? thats very immature to threaten to not speak to me for a few days. i laughed and said if thats what you want then ill leave now cause i cant handle this rite now. i said i was done. this was too immature and i just wanted him to listen to me. he said fine why dont you leave then. opens his bedroom door and starts throwing my stuff in the hallway. i can hear my stuff banging against the hallway wall. he puts his arm around me as to push me out then grabs my cell fone and throws it outside in the hallway too. i felt like that the cellfone was expensive and if he was goin to treat my belongings with such disrespect that i was goin to take his. so i grabbed his wallet and said fine im taking this with me and grabbed his wallet and put it behind my back. i didnt even try to leave with it. i didnt have time to. i looked up and the next few seconds were a blurr. he grabbed me by the throat and threw me on the bed and choked me. it may have lasted 3seconds. but it was the longest 3seconds ever. i gurgled cause i cudnt breath and grabbed at his hand and then he let go. i dont remember too much after this, i think i got off the bed and grabbed my cell fone and went into the upstairs bathroom and called my roomie. i remember turning the light off so no one could see me in the bathroom and wispered to her to pick me up. i didnt tell her why i just told her i needed her to come get me and that i would tell her afterwards. she said ok. I remembered that i had left some of my stuff in his room and in the kitchen for work the next morning. I was shaking and fighting off tears when i went back to the bedroom to knock on his door which was locked to ask for my black bag. i grabbed it and left to go upstairs. then i was pacing and waiting when he came upstairs and said are you really leaving? whos picking you up rite now? i said it doesnt matter whos picking me up rite now i cant be around you. he said well im telling you to get back downstairs, i said no. he said theres pple upstairs your making a scene. i said i havent talked to anyone except my roomie, im leaving. He said get back downstairs and we will go to bed and we will talk about this in the morning. i said no, i cant talk to you rite now. he asked why i said you know why. he said well you see what happens when you bother me and harass me? i said it doesnt matter, it doesnt justify what you did. he said i didnt do anything. i said i cant believe you dont remember. i cant do this anymore babe, you need help. he said your the one with the problems and you see a shrink, if you just didnt bother me then this wouldnt happen. im asking you to come back downstairs, not cause im being a nice guy but because im letting this slide and im tellling you to get downstairs. i said i was leaving and he said fine then leave. i walked out the door with all my stuff and i left and waited outside for lori to come me. i dont know what to do. part of me wants to change him, cause i thought that he was going to change since we got back together and since he proposed. hes never gotten physical before. verbal abuse like calling me names etc. but never like this before. i feel like everyone will think im lying if i tell them. since i exaggerated when we broke up. he hadnt done anything like this then. i feel like i have no one but him now. i feel like he will never change and i will be trapped. i want him to change, i think he will, but its getting so much worse. if i was looking at myself. a year ago i would have thought, wow this gurl is an idiot. shes in so deep shes screwed. i dont know what to do...we are moving in together in oct and we are supposed to be gettin married in april. please help...

[Country Girl]

Dont go back, call the police and get a restraining order and file assult charges. he obviously doesnt understand that what he did was wrong and yes it is wrong. asking him to come to bed is no reason for that. my ex put me in the hospital (yeah at 16 i was getting beat everyday for 6 months) i was to scared to leave so just dont get into a position where you have to be afraid. Take action now while you can and while its easier cause i promise you it will only get worse. The first time it happened to me i thought i had dreamed it until i touched my face then i told myself it was one time thing he was stressed i wasnt helping and he just snapped. Well once turned into twice. Soon he wasnt just giving me one slap accross the cheek. It turned into a punch and a punch turned into more punches which turned into being kicked which left him to literally throwing me against walls and counters and the floor until finally i said the wrong thing (called him a whiner) and i remember a vase coming at my head so i ducked and looked back at it, by the time i turned around he pushed me onto a glass table and it broke so he beat me for breaking the table hence the hospital. I had a broken nose, chipped tooth, black eye, bump on the head, concussion, several cuts, a broken wrist, two cracked ribs and a few other things. Dont let that happen to you. I got lucky i came out with two little scars, you may not get off so easy.

[CarnelianButterfly]

He choked you. That's assault. This guy is going to be pain and trouble. He will not change, if he does it will be because he's worse and more violent. Choking is a good way to kill someone, he had his hands around your throat and was trying to kill you. This is not a man that will love and honor you, this kind of man will beat and abuse you.

 

Please get out now!

 

Cut all contact, forget the stuff you left there, its just stuff, you need to get yourself somewhere safe. Do you have any relatives that you could go see get you out of the city or state for a while?

[GypsyGurl]

do you guys think that proposing pre-marital counselling will help? he already thinks that getting help is ridiculous for myself and always tell me that i should just try to fix myself my own way. does that make sense? anyways, my therapist proposed this idea and ive thought about it but he doesnt believe in the idea of therapy. im so scared that if i give him an ultimatum that i will lose him. we raised a boston terrier together and i know i will never see the dog again.....part of me is telling my heart to get out now, cause he will never change but the other part is trying to fix him. Is this stockholm syndrome? i read about it somewhere. anyways im rambling cause i cant sleep...and cant stop crying. the flashes of what happened tonite keep me up. i really wish i could have prevented it from happening...oh god why am i saying this? i feel like im torn

[GypsyGurl]

P.S. How should i tell him my proposal of pre-marital counselling or just counselling in general? should i rite him a letter, tell him in person? i know i need to wait a few days before i talk to him but... should i do NC?

[mr me]

I just wanted to clear up some of the things that u have talked about and now being out of a bad relationship i just wanted to share. i know u will do what u feel like u need to do it but u really dont. I know that might not stop u but im just telling u and who knows. I think ur having like either post traumatic stress or trauma headaches if u have them because thats what i was going thru gettin out of a relationship with an abused person who became abusive to me and idk. I know reading feels like it will help u because its almost like u want to help them because i have done that but most of the time nothing u can do will change anything unless its the other person who wants to change.

 

its probably the hardest thing i have ever went thru and would never let myself get into that situation again and havent. Its also hard because either a break-up or just dealing with what has happen takes time and no one really wants to think about the future they want the right now but its such a bad way of dealing with things. All i can hope is if u really want to get away is hopefully someone else can do things that u cant do right now. i guess by that i mean hopefully someone else can get u away from this person and try to keep ur mind off of this so u can deal with it.

 

I also wonder if u felt bad for this person or are just such a good person or try to be that u feel like there is something u can do. I guess u are tryin to rationalize with an irrational and probably disturbed person. I think u should look for outside help because its hard to grasp whats going on when ur so into someone or been thru so much with someone. I can just hope that u can take this as a very scary learning experience and eventho might not be able to see it, things can get better and thats what im doing.

[CarnelianButterfly]

P.S. How should i tell him my proposal of pre-marital counselling or just counselling in general? should i rite him a letter, tell him in person? i know i need to wait a few days before i talk to him but... should i do NC?

He would need serious counseling, the kind that comes when the court gets involved.

 

Do you still want to marry a man who tried to choke you to death?

 

You had a fight over something so small and he tried to kill you, does that seem like the actions of a loving husband to be? He is not a good person. It doesn't matter how sweet he is any other time, this one incident should be enough to tell you this man could kill you. This man could do horrible things to you. Do not ever see him again. If you want to tell him its over, mail a letter, do not give it to him personally, do not talk to him. Ignore his attempts to get you back.

[beauty21]

Coming from someone who has been in an abusive relationship, it's not gonna stop there. The next time, it will be a punch in the face. You do not need to marry this guy. I know you love him, but sometimes love isn't enough. Loving someone and seeing them choke you, with hate in their eyes is very hurtful. It breaks your heart. And right now, you're blaming yourself for him doing that to you. It wasn't your fault. You can do better than that Gypsie.

[Aurian]

He lost any right to be with you the moment he decided to lay his hands on you in anger. Don`t blame yourself. Any decent rational person would not let themselves get that far no matter what the provokation.

 

Leave the relationship now and do not marry him. This is who he is, and he will not get better. He will only change for the WORSE. My ex was abusive and I dragged him to counselling. It was a waste of time because he refused to believe that anything HE did was wrong, and decided that the counselor was a crock for not supporting his actions! He also used what I said in those sessions to hurt me more. If he is unwilling to see that anything is wrong, he will never change or fix things.

 

If you decide to leave, he may make a bunch of promises that sound believable, but they will be LIES. He just wants someone he can lash out at and will do anything to keep you chained to him so he can hurt you again later.

[littlestarlight]

Unfortunately this has crossed the line that you can't ignore. Please consider all of the advise given here and protect your own safety.

[Beyondthesea]

DO NOT MARRY HIM.

 

I'm sorry to say, that once it gets physical like this, it will never turn back. The cycle has started, and it will continue.

 

 

Leave him, don't even question if you should stay.

[GypsyGurl]

thank you so much for the advice, last nite when i went to bed i kept seeing flashbacks of his hands reaching for my neck and the gurgling noise i made trying to breathe. i called my therapist first thing in the morning and she was on holidays, they suggested the county crisis center who then referred me to the womens shelter emergency line. they told me to go to the hospital and get my neck checked out and also to get me mentally checked out cause i couldnt stop crying whenever i thought about it. i went to the hospital where i was assessed by a crisis nurse and then a doctor who then after hearing my story suggested i press charges. i hadnt really thought about this avenue and got majorly scared....i was worried that he would make me look like the crazy one and tell everyone i was lying n had made it up...i was scared that the police wouldnt be able to do anything. but said ok i want to press charges. he at this moment is being searched for by the police and will be taken in to be charged for assault. i feel relieved but also very empty. i called my parents and they are coming tomorrow to visit for the day....the police said that if he tries to contact me to call the police because of some restraining thing they put on him....i have no idea how it works, i just know i was told to call them if he showed up at my work or home. i dont feel that this will be over yet and im sure i will have to go to court but i hope that he feels just as scared as he has made me feel throughout the times we have fought and last nite....

[GypsyGurl]

P.S. i will not be marrying him and have made my descion to not try and work it out...everyones advice including the police, nurses and family ive spoken with today has made me see that choking is not something someone you love does to you, and it is not my fault. i have many fone numbers to call in case i feel weak again, and will not be broadcasting to our mutual friends how much of an he is to anyone because its my business how ive handled this....does that make sense?

[GypsyGurl]

One more thing, my neck is really stiff today other than that, no bruises that you can see which sucks cause i cant really state my case very well...

[CarnelianButterfly]

Deep bruises can take time to show, just keep an eye on the area.

 

I've had bruises take days to show even though the area is very sensitive.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Were ultraviolet and infrared photos taken?

 

If not, go to the police and request that they are taken, taking photos with UV and IR filters can show bruising not visible on the surface.

[GypsyGurl]

no infrared photos were taken. i dunno if they have that here. i just rcvd a call from the police dept and he was taken in and processed and he has a court date for the 30th of aug and i have to call them back to find out what i have to do, if i have to testify etc. Also they told him never to contact me or show up at my home or work. Im surprised he was willing and im scared as to what he told them... he is very manipulative and can make me look crazy in a second. i hope that he gets help, but i wont take him back. i cant forgive him for the fear he has instilled in me....i know it will take a very long time before i am able to get back to myself....any thoughts on what its like to go through all of this anyone?

[CarnelianButterfly]

I've never been through it, but I certainly hope that this guy is put away. When you talk to the cops again ask about the pictures for your neck. Any evidence they can get to build a case will make their job easier, so I'm sure they will want to know about any sign of bruising.

[GypsyGurl]

ok i will definitly let them know if i have any bruises tomorrow. mostly its just stiffness which is prob mostly stress and not sleeping enough to let my muscles rest. the amount of sobbing ive done today has made me so dehydrated. i hope that he gets the point now, that i will no longer tolerate his actions. i am done.

[Beyondthesea]

I've been through the abuse part, and the getting away from it part.

 

I just want to tell you that you have shown tremendous courage in making your decision, going to the hospital and pressing charges. I wish that I would have done the same!

 

Trust me, the police do NOT believe him. They are trained to understand and recognize abusive individuals and won't believe his lies. You have nothing to worry about.

 

Right now you only have to worry about you, ok?

[GypsyGurl]

thank you beyond the sea, i really need all the support i can get. my family is worried i will go back to him so they are cautious as to how quickly ive made my descion.

[Beyondthesea]

Unfortunately it's not uncommon for women to go back with abusers.

 

Be very careful right now, much more careful than you think you should be. He will try to contact you eventually. Maybe not right away, but he will try to follow you/have you followed, as well as try to win you back with letters, presents, flowers, pleas to change, etc. Do NOT believe him.

 

I went back to my abusive ex when the stuff hit the fan the first time, he'd promised he'd changed. Oh brother. Within a few weeks he was right back at it. Sadly, I'm starting to think they are just 'that way' and it is who they are inside to be that way.

 

I am so glad you found out now before you married him.

[GypsyGurl]

yeah when we broke up the time before, in march. he didnt contact me for a few days and then it was repeated fone calls and emails. he then would txt message me. but it was the last email he sent that made me believe he would change. he went on to say he needed me in his life and he was sorry for what he did. but when i called him to come over that day he acted like he didnt remember threatening me or being a complete jerk for 6mnths but he still apologized...which at that time i took seriously. until few weeks later when we got into our first fight after getting back together. it was over the fact that i wanted to wear knee high boots to our date and he told me to change. I said why and he said cause you look like a prostitute. I yelled back and then he got all " i dont deserve this, you shouldnt blame me for giving you honest criticism". I said you cant tell me what you wear. He then stood over me and call me and after i made a comment about how he never compliments me on what i wear anyways. So then i cried and he said "see if you had just listened to me then none of this would have happened". In the end of it I ended up changing and he gave an apology for calling me that name. But after that fight i knew that in order to prevent the verbal abuse, and that I should just listen to his requests so he doesnt get angry.

[GypsyGurl]

So in the end I was the one changing to adapt his behaviour...not him. I just realized this now.

[beauty21]

Gypsy, I am so glad you decided to get out of this relationship. I am more happy that you took this to the police. I was in a abusive relationship for 4 years. I never had the courage to report him to the police. I finally got out about a year ago. God knows I wish I would have found this site, when I was going thru it all. It would have helped me a lot. But you know, everything happens for a reason. This will help you see, what you deserve out of a man and what not to put up with. You did nothing wrong. This man verbally abuses you, and he put his hands on you. That is not love, and that is not respect.

 

One day your Prince Charming, will come along and he will treat you just like a his Little Princess. Your self-esteem may be low, but you take this time for yourself to re-evaluate you, and who you were before you met this guy. I understand your family's worries. My family was the same way. My mom asked me to move back hom a dozen times to get away from my ex, but I always refused, cause I believed in him, that he'd change. He never did though and the abuse continued physically and verbally, but mostly physically.

 

When I got out, it took me a LONG time to move on. I felt broken, like I was nothing. My looks had changed tremendously, due to alot of black-eyes, and busted lips, but most of all the drugs I was using to release the pain I was feeling. It was terrible. When I come here and read some posts of abused women, it breaks my heart, because I've been there and I can relate. I know it feels to watch someone you love, treat you like a dog, and kick you around like scum. You will be fine. You will have your sad days. Days you miss him. Even days when you are going to want him back. But when those feelings come up, give them room to breathe, time will heal you, if you let it.

 

You have a long road ahead. So get ready. This is gonna be a big challenge. Believe in God. Have faith. And just let go. HE will catch you, IF you fall.