Ｄepressed Ｐeople

[dawn515]

I don't think you're heartless. I wouldn't want to have this woman in my life either. Am I to understand that you and your bf are living with her? Or are you just taking care of her?

 

Either way, it doesn't sound as though she can possibly be financially independent right now anyway. A previous bf of mine had a relative very much like this (his aunt), and she was a constant source of pain and financial drain. She made terrible decisions -- about life, finances, everything. She had her own house, but she was a hoarder -- of garbage, of cats. She would profess to love these cats, but then would let them die in horrible ways due to her neglect.

 

She would let countless men, who preyed on her situation, come into her life, and she had multiple abortions because she could never be responsible for birth control OR the kind of people she had in her life. (Most of these men walked away with huge chunks of her inheritance from her mother.) She too was on many types of psychiatric meds and went through several therapists, many of whom just gave up on her. And she self-medicated a lot through drugs and alcohol. She also claimed to just be "depressed."

 

Eventually, after not hearing from her for about two weeks, my boyfriend's father forced his way into her home and found her unconscious. She'd taken a lot of pills and drank a lot of alcohol. (Not on purpose -- she wasn't trying to commit suicide, just self-medicating.) She ended up being permanently brain damaged and became even more of a financial burden on his family. So, be careful about abandoning this woman, thinking you'll be free of her. It might get worse!

 

I think that your bf's mother is in no way just depressed. Without knowing her, I can only toss out a few possibilities, and perhaps you can research them. She could be bipolar, but Borderline Personality Disorder also sounds like a possibility. Do a little research on these disorders and see what you think. Lots of people just never get a proper diagnosis and are left untreated, or treated for something they don't have, which can make things much, much worse.

 

Best of luck.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Why have you not taken her to get professional help? She's obviously not well and your actions are not helping her become a fruitful person. She needs a professional that is trained to deal with what ever disorders she has.

[Cimmie]

Frankly, and as I said in my original post, I don't think depression is this woman's problem.

 

Again: plenty of depressed people know they are ill and make a concerted effort to recover. Parasitism is not a feature of depression, but it is a feature of several personality disorders. She sounds like someone with a personality disorder, which may or may not involve depression.

 

Please do not stigmatize depressed people or tell them that their feelings are invalid. Your bf's mother is in no way typical. Nor are depressed people personality disordered - in fact they are frequently the victims of such people. From what you write, I am surprised neither you nor your bf is depressed!

 

She is using the 'depressed' label to avoid responsibilty for herself. Just because she is using the word in that way - i.e. incorrectly - does not mean she typifies the condition. Far from it.

 

I think you need to stop pandering to her whims, frankly. She is blackmailing her son and you. And blackmail needs to be called. Call her bluff and withdraw your indulgence of her.

[DN]

I think you need to stop pandering to her whims, frankly. She is blackmailing her son and you. And blackmail needs to be called. Call her bluff and withdraw your indulgence of her.

I agree. But you will have to get your boyfriend totally onside and present a united front.

[Miss Firecracker]

And that is the problem. That is his mother, and he will be hard to convince.

 

But two family members can have her committed even against her will for an evaluation. I think that's the way to handle this. Otherwise, all you have to look forward to is her death.

[ycmanvs]

My stepmother is exactly like the person you describe. She says she is depressed but never wants to get professional help. I suffer from depression myself but I went to therapy, put myself thorugh school and manage to live on my own. My stepmother sits around the house and complains. Her biological children ignore her and she tries to call me every day to complain to me about her life. You have to set boundaries. It is not easy but it must be done to save your own sanity. If she refuses to get professional help for her illness, then perhaps she needs to find other living arrangements. Please talk to your husband and figure out a plan.

[asiana]

For years she has been diagnosed "clinically depressed" by Stanford Medical Center and has been going to an expensive psychologist and a psychiatrist. She's on dozens of costly pills. Her friends who she found in "a depression support club" are diagnosed severely depressed have similar erratic behaviors. Though I suspect that these days, doctors are motivated more by the profit of selling pharmaceuticals than real patient care, there's no reason for us to believe that this is not depression, ... so if you want to call my bf's mom's illness "Rare Type Depression" to put on another label and your own as "Real Depression", do it if it makes you feel justified.

 

Sigh. I came to this board to seek practical advice from the clinically depressed as to how a normal-functioning person might cope with a severely depressed person, and in my values, a mother-figure never ought to be abandoned no matter how detestable she acts. And while I thank each and every one of you for taking the time to respond (no matter if it was reactionary offense and rebuking, or offering constructive perspective) I have to say that... haha, well I obviously didn't find the words I was hoping to hear...and many people's caustic reactions and assumptions about me/us have made me initially even more adverse, and perhaps hostile--(rather than compassionate)--towards depression. In other words, I appreciate the solid effort made in feedback but after reading them, the effect on my perception of depression was rather ugly and unhealthy. So. I took out a piece of paper and thought about what exactly I was hoping to read here from some of you, perhaps self-help advice, about a normal person's (a) coping with the emotional toll of somebody depressed, (b) mitigating the impending disaster that is going to be our burden eventually, © tips on how to effectively communicate to someone in her own little world... knowing that ordinary problems of the real world are going to put her in the hospital. (Guess who's going to have to pay?) The boyfriend's mother already feels self-loathing, and it doesn't help that she sees both of us as attractive, popular and go-getters.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Someone commented that s/he was amazed that my boyfriend and I aren't depressed...and pretty much it's a daily mind-frame that we have to achieve to is conducive to success. Here goes, to hopefully help another normal person's sanity

 

1. Meditate, love yourself, and see the "Problem Person" through God's eyes. Apparently, God has not seen it fit to grant everyone the same intelligence, usefulness, physical fitness, tolerance of life's setbacks, or resilience to emotional duress. There are people who champions in all those, and others who bottom out in all these. But if you are one blessed with more natural talents and the innate drive to learn and grow, don't measure the problem-person to your own expectations or compare them what you've seen (i.e., I dealt with tragedies in life, I endured the pain, why can't you? -or- There are people in Third World countries coping with far more dire issues who handle life better than you. What's wrong with you?) Love yourself, and seek something to appreciate about this person, even if it's only foibles that you chuckle about, and though this "problem person" drains your life, realize it's microscopic in scale. It's only happening to you and a handful of others. A useless thought is: "why is it only happening to me" when the helpful attitude is "thank God it's only happening to me and not everyone else." She isn't going to impend human achievement or all the beautiful things unfolding around you. Her impact on society is only limited to her tiny sphere of influence. It's utterly unfair and incorrect, but, many people need to believe your life is happy, perfect and less troubled than theirs. It's a cop-out of fantasy expectations. They convince themselves that their bad-luck is worse, their breakups were more traumatic, their situation is more dire, ad infinitum. And it's true that a few people are dealt better cards in life, but far more blessed is if you were dealt with more strict discipline, a mind for frugality, built resistance to instant gratification, an ability to process deeper pain and grief, and readiness for growth and change. During Sept 11, a number of people had the ability to go to work the next day to rebuild their business and help families, yet I've seen certain people mope silly disputes for years. That may be an inborn talent. I think this is just a human phenomenon, and partly courage, partly with the way parents raise kids.

 

2. Get plenty of sleep, walking and water. Adequate sleep goes a long way toward sharpening the focus and making you resistant to the "problem person's" antics and making you more effective with compounding her problems to your own already complicated life. With a good night's snooze, you are able to develop crystalline concentration and block out trivial things. It prevents you from reactionary outrages if the problem person is causing drama or being depressed and complaining. I walk about 10 miles a day, at dawn and dusk. Yes it's fitness and it makes for all sorts of good things, but most of all, it gives endorphins. The blood pumps up and you feel more ready to conquer yesterday's setbacks, and you get a lot of negativity washed out when you appreciate the nature's grandeur in each sunrise and sunset.

 

3. Find human role models and do not victimize yourself. Acknowledge it honestly to yourself: dealing with a constantly depressed person is an emotional drag, even if you can't say so openly. But you can overcome this, because other role models have proven so. Read biographies of people (i.e. Lance Armstrong, Shackleton) who are more competent than you are with bad situations and get inspired. You are not a victim; you are in a straining situation, and a pity party about how annoying/unfair/stupid this is, will make your odds of survival worse. Reading about a worse-case scenario doesn't indicate that you relish in someone elses's suffering, but it helps to believe that there are certain mind frames that will yield the best result possible under crappy conditions.

 

4. Volunteer in developing countries and take photos/mementos. Remember them. In Third World countries there are very dismaying situations in which humanity has persevered, and even under shockingly horrid disease and death, impoverished people have managed to die with dignity. It helps to not compare the "problem person" to those villagers (i.e. what are you so sad about, quit being so needy) but rather, to compare yourself to the villagers. How is your own handling of the "problem person" compared to that person who knew she was dying of AIDS and still joking with you? It helps to come to terms with the fact that other cultures that have endured atrocities often are more resilient than this one, and perhaps secretly admit that American culture is kinda wimpy and drama-prone about bad stuff happening to them. And in protective self-delusion, because to a clinically depressed person, you simply cannot convince them that many people worldwide with worse problems are handling it better.

 

5. When a depressed person is cynical around you, it's easy to be influenced because they like to voice out their views, which sets the ante for complaining. The way to inoculate against that is to DELIBERATELY be grateful for details every single day, for things people takes for granted. Think to yourself: "Isn't it nice that the sun is so warm for me today? Boy, I really appreciate that farmers are able to profit by bringing us good food, imagine if I had to grow this myself. Isn't it cool that we live in a world of technology and innovation so that everything is at my fingertips? I'm so glad I'll be able to see the stars shine for me tonight. It's a good thing someone paves the road so it's safer to get around" because it neutralizes you when the "Problem Person" does exactly the opposite!!! Try to rack your brain to turn this into a blessing-in-disguise, otherwise you'll be towed under by their sullen attitude. Trust me, you don't want to see things their way. They're depressed because of the way they perceive the world through their filter. Just because you don't listen to them doesn't mean you're not empathetic or trying to help---there are plenty of things to improve about this world but if you focus on griping negativity instead of gratitude, it immobilizes.

 

6. Celebrate on the process of accomplishment and achieve in spite of the stress. Small victories, no matter how trivial they seem to you in the professional real world, are actually testaments to your human endurance in times like these. I swear, the energy you sacrifice/waste toward a severely depressed is probably the same as building the Taj Mahal. At least in the latter, you see some progress. This morning, I made her a toasted bagel with grilled mushrooms with poached egg and prosciutto. Fresh squeezed juice. Something classy every meal. And she groaned: "Are you being creative in the kitchen again? Have you eaten?" I (ignoring her resentment of my natural disposition to be industrious) replied simply that I'd just had oatmeal, but I wanted her to start the day right, she actually said "Mmm, this is delicious" and later she washed her own dish. Now, with anybody else, that's what they ought to do, but with her, this was monumental. Now, getting someone to do chores is small chips for most people. But whatever, I'm giving myself a pat on the back, and taking careful note to what incentives are driving her.

 

7. Put your anger and vengeance toward the Problem Person into chopping vegetables and meat for spectacular cooking. Or if that's not your talent another "physical" hobby. There's something cathartic about smashing frozen meat when you're annoyed and can't confront the Problem. (i.e. in the case that she has an emotional meltdown or that the ensuing exchange puts her in the hospital.) In other words, use that negative energy and direct it towards a constructive activity. Because we have been eating exceptionally better than restaurant food every day, (Marsala sauce pasta with prawns, chilled peaches with yogurt + cinnamon, Tex-Mex fajitas and enchiladas, grilled teriyaki salmon fillets, couscous sesame salad, dirty rice jambalaya, paella, etc.) and everything is made from scratch ingredients, she is associating good living without spending money outside, and being at home as being pleasurable. It's still annoying that she eats horribly when it's outside of my realm of control, and hence ruins her appetite. It's even worse that she doesn't associate all of this with a habit of "frugality." She takes an excellent in-house chef/servant/coach/companion for granted but...you can't win 'em all. There's personal satisfaction anyway, even if I have to go through the self-effacing "oh it's just easy thrown together" speech and so she doesn't feel suicidal worthless. (Actually I learned some techniques from world-class hotelier chefs who flew in from Madrid, Spain!)

 

8. It's not your fault that Problem Person is cynically depressed, but you must aim toward a win-neutral situation as much as possible. This is important if originally you were surrounding yourself with many win-win partnerships, because suddenly the companionship with a negative person who surrounds herself with lose-lose situations will, at the onset, create an obvious win-lose situation in which, she gains, you lose. Your loss is in terms of time, energy, optimism, finances, and most of all, your own productivity. The win-lose outcome is why most people cut off ties with a depressing person. Recognize that, and if you're obligated to help that person (by guilt, by culture, by whatever) strive to minimize their inadvertent damage toward you. Find something to gain out of this. For me, I think of this like goodie-points with my boyfriend. He already caught an attractive and accomplished girl who has traveled extensively, now he's really respecting the inner strength she's summoned to deal with his mom. Sure sometimes I tell him how unfair it is, that I can't stand his mom's laziness and being imprisoned by duty, but he knows I didn't ask for this when we fell in love with each other.

 

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Anyway thinking this over, this is the practical advice I would have loved to read concerning this frustrating situation. I appreciate how a number of you have put me in the mind frame to think of this and write this on my own, and you deserve credit for that. Any comments or further advice for normal people (obligated to) coping with depressed people is very welcome.

 

I still do not retract the angry post in the beginning, because it was a deliberate effort to write down exactly how it feels to be suddenly smacked into a depressed person's life and problems for weeks and weeks, and I said so. Normal people without a history of severe depression will harbor angry/bitter sentiments towards someone's destructive behavior, particularly in our case, when she's not my mom, and we've had to move in to a unkempt house to pay rent in order to supply her a financial life-line, completely alter our behavior...and cook and clean for her, and then deal with everything else on top of that to keep the ship moving forward.

 

That said, you may be right that I'm naive about the illness and you want to put me in my place, but since each point of contact molds an overall impression, it's not really warming me up toward those with depression. I'm not seeking anyone's approval or setting out to make anyone miserable--there's no benefit in that. Applicable advice for those of us caught in the aftermath of a depressed-person's sphere of cynicism would be immensely helpful.

[Miss Firecracker]

Well, excuse us.

 

We aren't normal people. We are depressed.

[Miss Firecracker]

If there are any normal people here, please respond to this thread.

[Orlander]

Asiana, I think you touched upon every facet of the human condition in your posts except the only one that truly matters...loving kindness. The words you needed to hear have been repeated by many posters.

[southerngirl]

If normal means being judgmental and thinking mean things about someone that is depressed then I don't want to be normal.

[ycmanvs]

Hmmmm, it seems to me that the OP was not actually looking for practical advice but rather looking for validation. I still believe that if you are depressed and want to get help, you can slowly improve. Sometimes, the only way a depressed person can get better is by taking action and having some autonomy. I speak from personal experience when I say that I did not get better until I made the decision for myself to get better. I am the one that chose to go to therapy, to try different ways to cope, etc. I believe that the mother in question needs to have some input into her treatment. Even though she comes off as being lazy and annoying, she should be capable of understanding how she is making others feel....

A grown woman who is in therapy and on medication will probably be better off if she can live on her own or with peers....not with her son and his wife.

[Cimmie]

Unfortunately, when we post on a public forum, we can't always expect to hear what we want. This is a discussion forum, and others have opinions which differ from our own. As points of view they are equally valid, however.

 

Again, congratulations on being such a spectacularly high-functioning individual, and having such amazing standards. I hope life will conform to them.

 

I agree absolutely with Orlander's post. That sums it up.

[Miss Firecracker]

"Because we have been eating exceptionally better than restaurant food every day, (Marsala sauce pasta with prawns, chilled peaches with yogurt + cinnamon, Tex-Mex fajitas and enchiladas, grilled teriyaki salmon fillets, couscous sesame salad, dirty rice jambalaya, paella, etc.) and everything is made from scratch ingredients, she is associating good living without spending money outside, and being at home as being pleasurable."

 

 

I expect there are some people who wouldn't think this is frugal living.

 

 

 

 

"She takes an excellent in-house chef/servant/coach/companion for granted but...you can't win 'em all. There's personal satisfaction anyway, even if I have to go through the self-effacing "oh it's just easy thrown together" speech and so she doesn't feel suicidal worthless. (Actually I learned some techniques from world-class hotelier chefs who flew in from Madrid, Spain!)"

 

 

 

Not modest, are you?

[CarnelianButterfly]

You know after reading all your posts, you sound like a seriously controlling person. Not helpful, just controlling. And since this person obviously bucks your control on a regular basis, its making you angry and insulting every one that shares her disease.

 

If you wanted practical advice and only "normal" people to respond maybe you should have entitled you rant with that instead of "DEPRESSED PEOPLE", this forum is a support group for a lot of people suffering depression and suicidal feelings, you insulted a vast majority of your advice base so its not like they are willing to help you now.

 

Why do you refuse to have her committed? She's suicidal, destructive and you can't handle her, she needs to be in an intensive program that is run by PROFESSIONALS and designed specifically for her issues. You methods are not working, you are not a doctor, she needs a doctor and a institutional setting.

[ycmanvs]

Exactly my point, you said it so much better than I did. If the mother is that far gone, she needs to be institutionalized.....

[Miss Firecracker]

I agree. You are not a psychiatrist or a God who can cure this woman. It sounds as if you are taking pride in what you are doing with her, as if you get a rush when she cleaned out her plate, and that you are her savior.

 

God help me if I thought I could cure my son all by myself with my gourmet cooking. That's for his psychiatrist and his psychologist. And I took my other son to his psychiatrist yesterday for his first prescription of SSRI medication. He has a shrink too.

 

I do not have a psychiatrist, but I take SSRI meds. And if I say so, I'm holding up pretty well.

 

 

No one in my family is normal, except my poor husband. And it's a wonder because there is mental illness in his side of the family too. His mom is definitely Obessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, and his uncle is schizophrenic. His sister has a shrink now and is taking SSRI's, but I don't think it is working very well. She manages to hold down a very good job though, supports herself.

 

What is normal? After reading your last post, I honestly don't think you would qualify anymore than I would.

[Miss Firecracker]

link removed

 

I think you may possibly have what my husband's mother has.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I agree. You are not a psychiatrist or a God who can cure this woman. It sounds as if you are taking pride in what you are doing with her, as if you get a rush when she cleaned out her plate, and that you are her savior.

That's what I got too, it sounds like manipulation schemes and making her act how she wants her to act. Why is it so bad for her to eat a microwave dinner, there are many meals on the market that require very little money (a hell of a lot less than prawns or salmon) and are healthy. For someone complaining about financial burdens, salmon would be the last thing on my shopping list

[Miss Firecracker]

Cereal and fruit are two of my meals. The other I eat out. So I am a bad person.

[dawn515]

Asiana,

 

I'm not sure what you want. I find it hard to believe that you actually wanted feedback from people who suffer from depression and get their POV when your original post was so denigrating to "depressed people." I tossed out a few possibilities to you about what could be going on with her other than depression, but you seemed to wave away other opinions with, well, "Stanford Medical Center" said "depression" ... and her psychologist/psychiatrist said this....

 

So, I guess you couldn't be bothered to look at other possibilities tossed out by myself or other posters, particularly those of us with experience -- you know, the people you supposedly wanted to hear from...?

 

Yes, a person can have another underlying disorder while being properly diagnosed with the most presenting symptoms (in this case depression). That does not mean that there can't be some other, underlying disorder behind it, with one of the manifestations being depression.

 

Has your bf or other relatives been to see any of her doctors to give a proper history? It's hard to give a diagnosis to a person with a long history of psychological problems without input from family members. You need input from more than just the patient to ascertain the entire situation. If he hasn't done so, you should encourage your bf and other family members to talk to this woman's doctors, because it sounds like nothing they've prescribed has worked thus far.

 

Good luck.

[dawn515]

Totally off-topic, but I just wanted to tell Miss Firecracker that her avatars make me feel all tingly, inside and out... ahhh... Cliiiivvvve....

[asiana]

Well, update...and it's a sad ending: it's been two months more of living with her, and I've had it. We move out far away. I do want to apologize to the real depressed people who were caught in this crossfire, because it has become apparent that she, and her friends who wave the depression card, are rather manipulators with resources---other people's goodwill and money---to blow.

 

After lots of research and prolonged exposure to everyday frustrating bad habits, I have found that she probably has Personality-Disorder, Manic Bipolar, and Narcissism, but the tell-tale sign was reading a book from her library called The Sociopath Next Door in which several chilling descriptions were underlined and earmarked with: 'This is Me!!' or 'I do this.' including the fact that she uses depression and pity and blame-everyone-else-and-be-a-victim to conceal her inability to love and share in common human values and societal code of conducts. I'm tired of her stealing petty things from neighbors, her cursing out sales reps, her entire evening cursing out the television personalities. In other words, not only is she lacking class and etiquette, she doesn't have ethics that normally bind people to reciprocal and fair behavior. She's a user and like I noted, a cancer on society that gains people's sympathy to keep damaging others. While it was hard to believe at first, I've come to accept that she's a "bad person"---bad in the sense that in all her development she had not learned empathy or a capacity to want to help herself, and instead, preys on others.

 

Recently when things came to a head and I sat down and said, "The thing I want from you, you cannot give: I want you to be a Mother." I told her I wanted her to be fully accountable for her actions. I had wanted her to be more maternal, more warm, less embarrassingly crude, more able to reciprocate, more able to register which things are done as loving acts...parts of her brain that was missing or unable to do. She began weeping that she was a damaged person with a messed up alcoholic family, and she doesn't know how. She had been cutting back on her spending, cleaning the floor occasionally, but I knew no chores been done for the cohesiveness of family---rather than a pre-emptive act to keep us and our support from moving out. She is incapable of anticipating others' emotions and needs, and thereforeeee tramples over them, but mopes and slams the door in depression every time. (By this time, I was unsympathetic to her Martyrdom-pleas, in which she blames herself and cries and cries and slams the door... only to go out to the movies later.)

 

Anyway while I was out of town on a needed vacation in my hometown and realizing how much I missed a wonderful caring family, she bad-mouthed me to everyone saying everything that some of the forum posters pretty much say... (petty stuff: that I was controlling her spending habits, that she feels this tremendous guilt around me, that maybe I wasn't the normal one, you could read the sort of bashing that people in here wrote) and I drew the line. I figured that throughout all of this since I was the one bringing the needed money and services in, doing all the grunt work, and she was going to sabotage the hand that fed her, I could withdraw. Nobody needs the leeching effect or the somber mood around the house, nor the yelling and cursing and the put-downs and the grotesque filth, and to be constantly demoralized at how selfish and how careless she could be.

 

My boyfriend who was by now her only emotional support system, (her real family ditched, her best friend just had a heart attack yesterday, and she just lost her job because of her attitude) had a very tough time, but he eventually decided that he'd always preferred a tight-knit family like mine with reciprocating acts of love, and that the road to prosperity would never happen with his mom siphoning.

 

Anyway, I used to feel tremendously angst-ridden about this, racked with guilt of how one should treat a mother-in-law and what is good and wholesome...but there isn't any other recourse.

 

I am not without my own character flaws, and admittedly there's a perfectionist streak and the need for order and sanitary tidiness, which made it frustrating to cope with the self-professed sociopath here. But seeing that we've put a solid effort here and failed, and we're the ones with healthy finances, a seven year relationship and a position to set the terms, it's time we cut our losses. I have managed to keep my boyfriend, but the emotional costs are disastrous and I need to bite the bullet and stick to my guns on this one:

 

I do not desire contact with this woman again. When we purchase our estate, she cannot come in. When we wed, she is not invited; when we have a child, she won't see the baby nor damage him/her the way she has with so many around her. For the next few months I've canceled by cellphone so she can't call me. I guess it's deliberate exclusion, but pulling heartstrings by pity isn't working for this person anymore. The aftermath is: having concurred with all these with my boyfriend, with proof of evidence and reasons backing it up, the woman has somewhat lost her favorite son.

[bubblyblonde11]

Sorry but depression is an illness NOT A CHOICE.

 

Not many people go - hey you know what I am going to give myself depression today and for the next 6months.

 

I think you need to learn perhaps about what depression really is and perhaps look up, how to help a depressed loved one, for books or website.

 

Really I never chose to have depression, I don't want it I just have it and am not selfish. I think you are generalising too much.

[Cimmie]

As I've posted before, Asiana, I don't think this woman is depressed. Or else depression is a secondary symptom. People who make life hell for everyone around them and have a warped view of reality and human relations (as you said, scapgoating and blaming everyone else) are usually people with character disorders/personality disorders. I think you are right about your boyfriend's mother when you say she is one of these people. Disorders like this are characterised by a refusal of responsibility.

 

I think you offended people on here by using the term 'depression' in a careless way. Depressed people are mostly not personality disordered. In fact, often they are the victims of people like your boyfriend's mother. In your situation, some people would get depressed. Imagine what it would be like to be stuck with someone like that and not have your energy or resources!

 

I agree that the only way to deal with someone who has a personality disorder is to have as little as possible to do with them. They will never see things in a more reasonable way, because there is something fundamentally wrong with how they see reality. They inflict immense harm.

 

But please don't confuse that with depression.