Treating your partner like a secretary...

[TheFoglifter]

I've noticed this behavior mainly in women of all ages, and I don't know if I can take another 50 years of it. What is the deal with people who turn their partners into personal secretaries?!?!?!

 

Its a real OMG LOL type of thing: she asks you do something relatively simple like sweep a floor while she is organizing papers. But while you are in the middle of sweeping the floor, she rattles off her laundry list of tasks that she's been building all day. "Oh, can you call the recycling company and find out whether they accept cardboard boxes? Also, the dog needs his medicine, and that rebate on the detergent needs to be postmarked tomorrow. Oh and call Betty and ask her whether Mike has already mowed the lawn because junior is looking to make some money doing chores."

 

It gets worse sometimes. If you are able to remember all the things on the list, because you were sweeping the floor while she was talking, she will come up to you while you are in the middle of that phone call to the recycling company and ask you whether you gave the dog his medicine or called Betty.

 

Its not so much that its being done maliciously, and its not an all or nothing thing (at least in my case, this is a "recent addition") but no matter how many times I ask nicely, it doesn't seem to stop.

 

For those who are going to say "if you did all that stuff ahead of time, you'd never be asked", don't bother because you know as well as I do that it isn't that simple. I am proactive, and accomplish a good number of things without being asked but there are always those random things that come up.

 

Plus, one must judge each situation individually. If she is asking you to do these things while she herself is working, thats one thing. If she occasionally looks up from this month's vanity fair to sip her ginger ale and issue another command, thats another thing.

 

Just curious whether I'm the only one experiencing this phenomenon?

[RayKay]

Well, I have to say that is not my personal experience at all.

 

We both tend to really do ourselves the things that need to be done, and that we want done. If it is a bigger project, we will discuss it (i.e. RayKay, I want to clean the gutters tonight after work, can you give me a hand?).

 

Whomever is going out the morning first on trash day will take it out, whomever gets home and sees the grass is long will cut it, during winters because I generally get home first, I will try and shovel if there is fresh snowfall before it gets dark (as he gets home when dark). Anyway, you get the idea. We have our regular chores we each generally do ourselves (i.e I will do the general cleaning & grocery shopping, he will change oil in cars or such), but for other stuff, if we see it needs to get done, we get it done (i.e dishes). Last weekend I came home to him deciding to wash the windows inside and out, so he really is great about doing stuff like that!

 

Maybe it is because we are both fairly independent people, but I feel if I want to know about cardboard boxes, I can call myself! We both have very busy schedules with work, school, hobbies and athletics, and so we both realize we need to put in what we can, when we can.

 

I have to say I would find it very odd if I was always given a "honey do" list by my partner, or if I gave him one. There are certainly things that HAVE to be done, but we seem to have figured those out ourselves and be pretty proactive about them, and as I said, for bigger things, we will talk about them beforehand, and they really need to be something that the other DOES need help with, not just something like sweeping the floor. That would honestly make me feel like a child if I was being asked and told to do this or that every two minutes.

 

I do however notice sometimes some things I may do are not as noticeable. For example, if I did not change the sheets every week, or sweep/wash the floors, I am sure it would be noticed, but because I do it, it is not noticed (not intentionally, just one of those things that are little things that need to be done and are less visible).

[TheFoglifter]

In my particular case, I don't think it is that the things gf does are not noticeable. I have just never been the type to rattle off lists of things, and I'm really not the type who is inclined to receive them. I have absolutely no problem doing my "fair share", but I just get annoyed being dictated to. I just plain don't like it.

 

She does her fair share too, and perhaps its just me being a victim of my own thoughts. I too am the type who thinks of something and does it myself, as opposed to saying "can you do that". Like if I was the one who thought about calling the recycling company, I'd just call them, I wouldn't delegate it, ESPECIALLY not if I was idle at the time.

[TheFoglifter]

Hi ellie:

 

I don't think its a behavior learned at work, I really and truly think its one of those "embedded' behaviors that just can't be unlearned -- kind of like how men will look at other women almost no matter how many times a partner protests.

 

I believe behaviors like this can be "tamed", but it seems to me that they are seldom if ever eliminated completely.

 

Maybe she thinks she is being helpful, I judge on a case by case basis. Like I said, I'm not so irritated about the times when she is also working. But there have been a few times where she was relaxing with a book, and rattled off a list while I was cooking dinner. Those did not end well for her.

 

Depending on my mood, I react differently. Sometimes I'll just say "I tuned you out", or other times I'll say "don't ask me to do anything until I'm done with what I'm doing". I kind of recognize that this is a situation where she can't win either. Sometimes I will just go "ok, mmmhmmm, uhh-huh" when I'm not listening at all, and then I'll ask later "what did you want again"?

 

Maybe she feels I'm reliable enough to be asked to do things, as opposed to having to do everything herself. I suppose thats a good thing in a way, as its nice to be considered reliable. Other times, she just flat out doesn't feel like doing it herself, and that makes me feel used. Part of me wants to be good and reliable, but part of me does not want to be turned into a butler.

 

Like many of these other behaviors, I just can't make myself do the same to her. I don't WANT to spit lists at her, and if I did, she'd probably know I was only doing it to get back at her. That isn't healthy and I don't want to be a jerk about it, but at the same time I feel like if I don't be something of a jerk, i'll just become a butler. I refuse to be 100% perfect, because then there would be no challenge. I'd rather have problems for being not good enough than for being too good.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you can turn this into an opportunity to learn how to negotiate rather than a conflict... maybe you should sit down for 2 minutes every morning and discuss what needs to be done that day, and write down the things you need to do, and things she needs to do, tear the list in half and you both walk away knowing what needs to get done without fighting.

 

if your list is always longer than hers, you have evidence of this, and can negotiate with her to get her to take her fair share of the chores. this is efficient time management for both of you, and can reduce a lot of conflict and power struggles.

[TheFoglifter]

Thank you BSBH, I have thought about a list. I know that formalizing what needs to be done can help make it seem more fair.

 

The challenge comes when there is that "extra thing I just thought of" that needs to be added to the list. Odds are I would say "no no, the list is closed thats the deal" while she would say "oh come on, its just one thing".

 

Then there are those tasks that lead to other tasks. Personally I HATE being asked to research someone for someone else unless I know exactly what information they are trying to find. If she asks me to call the recycling company to find out whether they take boxes, it will not occur to me to also ask whether they have co-sponsorship for elementary school recycling programs. So she'll ask "did you also ask about co-sponsorship" and I'll say "no, you didn't ask me to and I CANT READ YOUR MIND".

 

I mean, in cases like that, isn't it more work to ask someone to do something than to just do it yourself?

 

As I said in the other thread: "the word 'no' is a complete sentence".

[shikashika]

foglifter, have you talked to her and expressed how you feel when she does that?

 

Maybe she doesn't know.

 

I wouldn't want to feel patronised like that either.

 

Do you do all these things? Maybe because you do what she asks, she continues to ask you to do these things, because she knows she can?

[TheFoglifter]

I have expressed my irritation in terms ranging from nurturing, to insulting. As I said, I think this is just one of those embedded behaviors that can be tamed, but never eliminated completely. As it goes on, my tolerance will go down too, and even if she goes from doing it daily to doing it once a month, that once a month will still be too much.

 

Sometimes I do the things she asks, other times not. As I said, it depends on my mood and the context. If they are reasonable, and if she is/has been helpful, I will comply. If its late at night or early in the morning and I don't feel like arguing and ruining the night/day, I'll comply to preserve the peace. If she is sitting and reading, and I'm already working on one thing, I'll tell her to wait until I'm done or do it herself.

 

Apparently, aside from others I've personally witnessed, nobody else has this problem.

[BellaDonna]

I think that would drive me right up a wall. What I would suggest is getting either a small chalk board, marker board, or paper posted on the refrigerator where you can both post to-do lists. (not instructions or orders for one another- but just reminders of general tasks that need to get done) When it's done, cross it out or erase it from the list. At least that would prevent the "repeating" or having to be constantly asked if it was done.

 

I've always had the mentality that if someone asks me to do something too many times, I naturally do not want to do it and will wait on purpose. I'm not advising that you do that- but sometimes it helps not to jump when someone says jump- because it will just reinforce their nagging behavior if you respond right away.

 

BellaDonna

[Siriana]

I red only the opening post.

My stepfather has this tendency.

I am concentrating on something on work and he jumps in, starts running around while telling me what else needs to be done and asks me all bunch of questions that has nothing to do with what I am currently doing (and usually I am doing something that requires me to be concentrated).

 

it happened yesterday.

 

I simply told him: look, you're confusing me here and I can't listen to you, work on this and answer the questions that has nothing to do with this right now.

Wait till I am finished or write me a list.

 

So simply tell to your So how you're a guy and by default guys can't do two things at the same time and how you can't concetrate while doing something else.

Tell her how you'll talk about it when you finish with a current assignment.

 

She wants to tell you right away what she has on her mind because she's way to lazy to write it down and doesn't want to forget it.

That way she puts things off her shoulders.

So ask her to talk later with you.

And you can make a list together.

By that time she'll do most of it alone - because she'll be way to lazy to wait. That laziness will be stronger than delegating to you.

[TheFoglifter]

Thank you Syrix and Belladonna:

 

"Tell her how you'll talk about it when you finish with a current assignment."

 

I do say this often. It stops me from being pestered THAT time, but not future times.

 

"She wants to tell you right away what she has on her mind because she's way to lazy to write it down and doesn't want to forget it.

That way she puts things off her shoulders."

 

I had considered this too. By asking me to do something she wants done, then its MY fault if its forgotten because "hey, I asked you to do it". I'll have to make her aware that I know the tricks.

 

... always had the mentality that if someone asks me to do something too many times, I naturally do not want to do it and will wait on purpose."

 

I am amazed at how few people seem able to grasp the relationships between events as well as has been done here. Behaviors are often directly related with simple cause relationships. eg. If you nag me, I'm forced to wait longer so you don't learn that nagging works. If you try to control me, I rebel so you don't think you can control me. If you withhold sex, you make me want it more, not less... and so on.

 

Glad to hear I am not the only one this happens to. Perhaps I will post two boards on the fridge, and she can take the trouble to write on it. I can already see us writing on each others boards...

[Siriana]

Thank you Syrix and Belladonna:

 

"Tell her how you'll talk about it when you finish with a current assignment."

 

I do say this often. It stops me from being pestered THAT time, but not future times.

 

"She wants to tell you right away what she has on her mind because she's way to lazy to write it down and doesn't want to forget it.

That way she puts things off her shoulders."

 

I had considered this too. By asking me to do something she wants done, then its MY fault if its forgotten because "hey, I asked you to do it". I'll have to make her aware that I know the tricks.

 

Of course. You have to repeat it all the time.

I have to with my stepdad.

But I don't mind.

I say it, and he than gets the idea I will listen to him with my full atention little bit later so he is more patient at that moment.

But tomorrow you have the same story going again.

So you need to tell her that every time it happens.

She tells you a list out of the blue every single time, so feel free to calmly use a SECRET method every single time.

She wouldn't mind, I am sure, because she simply forgets, it's her style and she doesn't mean anything bad at all.

 

No, do not make her aware you know the trick! Just ask her to wait till you finish and say how you'll talk than.

I bet she'll make a list in that case;-) because otherwise she'll forget about it, or she'll make at least 30% of that stuff alone because it will be easier than waiting or writing.

[RayKay]

You know, my boyfriend and I both make lists up every week/weekend of things we want and need to do, we do them separately though, but we put them where we both can see them. It will have everything from personal tasks we need to do, to house projects.

 

Then we do cross them off as we go (I like to see what I have accomplished over week from my list!).

 

So, maybe this is part of why we do not "nag" one another, as we can easily see one anothers lists of house projects and chores, and errands, and see that we are crossing them off and doing them. So neither of us feels the other is "doing nothing", and we each can see what has already been done so the other does not need to bother doing it.

 

If there is something else we would like the other partner to take care of that is their responsibility (ie if I need to move some stuff out of his way so he can tackle something) then it is something he does ask me to do, but I don't see it an a nagging or endless issue because it is phrased as a REQUEST (not a DEMAND) and well, it is something that is also aiding him and for our mutual space (and it is MY stuff anyway!).

 

There is a little book (literally little) by Dr. Gary Chapman (same one whom wrote 5 Love Languages), called Household Hints or something along that lines, I don't recall exact title, but it talks precisely about how household chores really can divide couples, and how to tackle the issues in ways that are more effective, less demanding and where other partner more readily is there to help out.

[TheFoglifter]

Its not really so much that things aren't getting done. Its that I feel I will be in the middle of a particular task, and she will rattle off a bunch of other requests. Any of the following could happen.

 

- I will get frustrated because she SEES that I am busy, yet makes more demands on my time. This is exacerbated if she herself is sitting down relaxing. Its like "I'm cooking our dinner, you have SOME nerve asking me to do something you can do yourself.

 

- I will miss something on the list: that is bad because then I am "unreliable" and she gets frustrated that things don't get done. Of course I'll fire back that it didn't get done because I was doing other things, but she just doesn't accept that.

 

Just seems like the only way I'll get change is to treat her the same way, or when she does the offending behavior, just stop whatever I'm doing, pick up a book and a cocktail, and go sit and relax.

 

I think it was a Calvin and Hobbes comic where Calvin says "sometimes if you do a job poorly enough, you don't get asked to do it again".

 

I will, however, try the list resolution, and see where it goes.