drunken verbal assult from the girl I love

[greenmonster]

short history...

 

her and I have been best friends for 6 years....our sexual relationship just started a couple months ago...we aren't bf/gf...but we are closer to one another than most married couples and tell eachother we love one another regularly...we are complete opposites in basically everything, but when we get together we make an amazingly great couple...

 

So I paid for us to go on vacation down to the Caribbean last week...the last night we went out she got totally smashed...I had quite a few...but she was way more drunk than I have ever seen her....and we got into a HUGE fight.

 

in 6 years, this is the first fight her and I have ever been in...

 

and she insluted me and attacked me on things that she knew I was most insecure about. said things that were VERY painful...things that had nothing to do with what we were fightin about...attacked me verbally in ways that I would have never imagined her capable of doing...and it hurt...hurt bad. I could go into detail here but for time sake lets just imagine your significant other/best friend insulting you on levels that would crush you like a beer can under a semi-truck.

 

I've tried to just play it off because I know how drunk she was...but when she attacks my weakest spots...the things that only she knows hurt... how can I just let it pass?

 

we made up later that night and had some drunken makup sex...but I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to look at her and think of her again the way I did before all this....she said she doesn't even remember what happened...but I see it all so clearly and puts doubts in my mind as to weather or not she means the things she says to me...

 

am I just being stupid?

am I just putting too much thought into what a drunk pissed off girl said?

is this just the way she fights? I mean...everyone fights differently...and she might just throw low blows from the start...

should I just forget it and never bring it up again? or should I question her on things and see if there is some deep rooted problems here?

 

I'm so confused....I love this girl more than anything I have ever known...but I've never been hurt by words alone like this and I don't know how to react...

[TheRedQueen]

What instigated the fight?

 

Why was she so bitterly angry at you?

[Beautiful_Stranger]

Oh man, that's a toughie! Talk to her about it, tell her what she said and find the truths about her feelings on the topic.

 

Even if it's awkward and uncomfortable for you to bring it up -- DO IT.

 

This could make or break your relationship with her; take the chance.

[TheFoglifter]

Dude...

 

You get free, no-strings-attached, bed-busting hot sex ON DEMAND from a girl who doesn't give you all the "lets talk about our feelings" crap, and "what are we". You don't have to buy her dinner, you don't have to meet her parents, you don't have to go to brunch with 3 other couples.

 

KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT

 

Now you know not to let her get near the sauce.

[RayKay]

I really think your avatar is cute

 

Honestly, I just felt for you reading this. Whether this is her fighting "style" or not, does not warrant her verbally assaulting you with the very things I am sure she knows are painful or emotionally difficult for you.

 

I think this is definitely something you need to establish boundaries on, that is just not how mature, loving people handle conflicts with their partners. A "fight" should be about the issue, not the "other person".

 

I am wondering, though, if you are such a great couple, why are you NOT "together" in a boyfriend-girlfriend way?

[Beautiful_Stranger]

I am wondering, though, if you are such a great couple, why are you NOT "together" in a boyfriend-girlfriend way?

 

I am also wondering about this; it seems like you want more than just a booty buddy...

 

The only conclusion I was able to come to is that they don't like the whole "label" thing...

[jul-els]

Looks like a red flag for some emotional and or drinking problems. You say you are not bf and gf but it sounds like you have real feelings for one another beyond mere sex buddies so I'm not sure how you two qualify your relationship status. Are you two non-exclusive?

 

At any rate verbal belittling or berating is never acceptable from anyone at anytime. You should let her know exactly what she did and that it is simply unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Set the boundaries now and let her now if she treats you that way in the future you won't be sticking around.

[greenmonster]

What instigated the fight?

 

Why was she so bitterly angry at you?

 

I have no problem AT ALL with her dancing with other guys...but the guy she was dancing with was getting WAY too handsy...and she was too drunk to tell...I told her this...I said "I know we aren't together...but some random dude out there feeling you up is making me uncomfortable" and I asked her if we could just go to another bar...and so we went to another bar then she FLIPPED

 

You get free, no-strings-attached, bed-busting hot sex ON DEMAND from a girl who doesn't give you all the "lets talk about our feelings" crap, and "what are we". You don't have to buy her dinner, you don't have to meet her parents, you don't have to go to brunch with 3 other couples.

 

I know her parents...they think I'm great and I think they are too...

 

money isn't a big thing for either of us...buying dinner isn't a big deal...we both spend a ton on eachother...

 

and we go to dinner parties all the time...we are best friends...

 

we just happen to have great sex too...

 

I am wondering, though, if you are such a great couple, why are you NOT "together" in a boyfriend-girlfriend way?

 

she isn't the relationship type...never has been and probably never will be...she hates relationships and destests the idea of marraige and thinks it goes against all human instincts...we are VERY different on this...

 

she has never had her heart broken because she has never trusted or loved anyone enough to give them controll like that over her

[greenmonster]

Are you two non-exclusive?

 

yes...we both date around...

 

we live a couple hours apart and only get to see eachother twice a month or so...but when I come there or she comes here we are all over eachother without even thinking of anyone else...

 

I know its not normal...but it is what it is....

[TheRedQueen]

I have no problem AT ALL with her dancing with other guys...but the guy she was dancing with was getting WAY too handsy...and she was too drunk to tell...I told her this...I said "I know we aren't together...but some random dude out there feeling you up is making me uncomfortable" and I asked her if we could just go to another bar...and so we went to another bar then she FLIPPED

Ah, well my best guess is that she's secretly livid that you guys aren't boyfriend/girlfriend even though, given the circumstance, in her mind, you ought to be.

[Scout]

You get free, no-strings-attached, bed-busting hot sex ON DEMAND from a girl who doesn't give you all the "lets talk about our feelings" crap, and "what are we". You don't have to buy her dinner, you don't have to meet her parents, you don't have to go to brunch with 3 other couples.

 

I'm confused. Did we read the same post? I don't recall the OP mentioning this girl had any of these facets about her.

 

So with that in mind, how would your feedback help him decide whether or not he should be worried that this girl's verbal assault is a red flag for future scary behavior?

[Beautiful_Stranger]

she isn't the relationship type...never has been and probably never will be...she hates relationships and destests the idea of marraige and thinks it goes against all human instincts...we are VERY different on this...

 

she has never had her heart broken because she has never trusted or loved anyone enough to give them controll like that over her

 

I'm sorry... I really do feel for you; I've been in a very similar situation... but society has incorporated into my head that a lot of guys are like that; however, I've never knew of a girl that felt like this about relationships.

 

I just feel for you because I'm can see you getting badly hurt.

 

No advice; just my sympathy.

[greenmonster]

I'm confused. Did we read the same post? I don't recall the OP mentioning this girl had any of these facets about her.

 

in foglifters defense...I'm pretty sure he has read some of my other stuff about her and I's situation and he is right about that stuff quoted...

 

she isn't like most girls....not at all...

[greenmonster]

I'm sorry... I really do feel for you; I've been in a very similar situation... but society has incorporated into my head that a lot of guys are like that; however, I've never knew of a girl that felt like this about relationships.

 

I just feel for you because I'm can see you getting badly hurt.

 

No advice; just my sympathy.

 

thanks....

 

and your right...I know many guys like this too...but she is the only girl that I've ever known like this...

 

its just a crappy deal that she happens to be the one I want more than anything else...but that is a whole nother thread that I'll start one day.

[TheFoglifter]

... with that in mind, how would your feedback help him decide whether or not he should be worried that this girl's verbal assault is a red flag for future scary behavior?"

 

If I was lucky enough to have a sex-buddy, and got regular super hot sex without all the drawbacks of a relationship, I'd overlook one drunken incident. I'm sure he knows enough about her to fire back just as mortally.

 

... has never had her heart broken because she has never trusted or loved anyone enough to give them controll like that over her"

 

The very definition of true power -- as I say, she can walk at any time and she will never be hurt. In exchange, she will never know the dizzying highs that come with true love.

 

Even being head over heels in love with her -- everyone has faults. Can't you just keep her away from alcohol?

[itsallgrand]

I'm sure you realize this now, but you made a very big mistake in having sex with her that night.

 

Is she a big drinker? Whether she is or not, I think it would be wise and fair and healthy for both of you to establish a no-drunk boundary.

Meaning: if she gets really into the sauce, you walk no matter what.

 

Stay strong.

 

What she did was wrong, no matter how drunk she was. No excuse.

 

I think you should talk to her about it. I really do. You say you are best friends, and there is obviously a lot of caring on your end and sounds like hers too.

Lay it out for her.

Let her know how it made you feel.

Tell her what you are going to do as far as dealing with it (the boundaries you are making in regards to her drinking and any other possible verbal assault on her part).

 

You can do this and remain loving. It is a loving thing to do.

 

take care.

[Scout]

he is right about that stuff quoted...

 

she isn't like most girls....not at all...

 

Well, if you mean that most girls don't detest relationships/refuse to get in them, you're right.

 

If you mean that most girls are primarily defined - to paraphrase FogLifter - by incessantly babbling about their feelings, dragging boyfriends to meet their parents and having brunch, I would certainly disagree with that assessment.

 

Personally, I think this girl sounds rather dysfunctional, and I know if the tables were reversed...if a female poster was talking about a guy who verbally assaulted her in such a low down, really going for the jugular way when drunk and was known for detesting relationships and being so distrustful, practically everyone would be urging the poster to RUN.

 

So, why is such an aversion to relationships being looked upon favorably in a female?

[greenmonster]

the drinking isn't really a problem...her and I go out every chance we get and get some drinks in us...we have been totally smashed with eachother too many times to count...

 

this is just the first time that we have ever ended up fighting...

 

telling her that she cant drink...or that she cant get drunk...or that if she gets drunk around me I am walking away is probably the last thing I think would work here...because more than likely if she is drinking then so am I... and I know there have been plenty of times that I've been WAY more drunk than her...

 

like Homer Simpson once said:

 

"Here's to alcohol, the cause of and solution to all lifes problems"

[itsallgrand]

Well, then.

 

Unless you are willing to change what you do, how can expect the situation to change?

 

Sounds like you guys have it all worked out exactly how you want it.

[JadedStar]

Well after six years if this is the first really bad fight you have had, and it was alcohol induced to boot, you have to make the decision to forgive her or not. I do not condone the outbursts or anything like that but I also know when we are angry and mix alcohol with it, it can lead to a lot of ugly things being said.

 

If she were really smashed and she is not one who normally gets that way then she probably did not know how to handle the alcohol (personally I can tell you that I learned the hard way to avoid getting drunk like that because I am mean as a snake and it is not something I want to ever repeat) and if she were already upset BAM, explosives.

 

It would be a shame to give it all up if you have never really fought in six years, but maybe she is concerned that you still do not have an official b/f and g/f status. It is very different dynamic to be friends and lovers. As friends many things can roll off your back but when it turns romantic and/or sexual feelings can get hurt easily and a person can become more sensitive to issues that arise.

 

I think you need to talk this thru with her, find out what SHE wants from this and figure out what YOU want and go from there. If you are seieng other people then what is the real question? Are you asking if you should "break it off" ?? Since there is no real relationship there is nothing to break up from. If you can't forgive her words then you might need to back off from the sexual component of this and try to go back to being friends. But realize that going from friends to lovers is an easier transition than from lovers to friends.

 

I can understand her frustration that you are not even a couple but you were policing her actions on the dancefloor. You need to crap or get off the pot if you want to have that kind of say in her life. She probably became every incensed over this, then throw in the outrageous amount of alcohol and she was like a wild tiger. Like I said I don't condone these kinds of rages from drinking, but I know that I cannot handle alcohol to that extent either and I will get so mean i throw things and just treat eveyrone around me like crap. Hence the reason I have not drank that way in almost 20 years! I know my limitations!

 

It sounds like she handles alcohol okay most of the time, but this new situation you two are in changes things man. If having sex with friends were this easy no one would bother with relationships. Once you turn a friend into a lover then all kinds of emotions are at play. She probably felt you were over the line getting angry with her on the dancefloor and not allowing her to decide what was appropriate and what was not. If you want to have that kind of influence then you should ask her if she would like to move this relationship into a more serious and exclusive range. If you don't want that, then qutie frankly you have no rights to tell her what she can and cannot do with other men.

[JadedStar]

the drinking isn't really a problem...her and I go out every chance we get and get some drinks in us...we have been totally smashed with eachother too many times to count...

 

this is just the first time that we have ever ended up fighting...

 

telling her that she cant drink...or that she cant get drunk...or that if she gets drunk around me I am walking away is probably the last thing I think would work here...because more than likely if she is drinking then so am I... and I know there have been plenty of times that I've been WAY more drunk than her...

 

like Homer Simpson once said:

 

"Here's to alcohol, the cause of and solution to all lifes problems"

 

Sounds like the two of you both like to drink. And again i do not condone verbal assaults, but if you are making the choice to drink, and to drink with her, then you know that alcohol induced arguments can erupt.

 

If this is an isolated incident then you have to take it for what it is. If you feel this will become a pattern, then you should not hang out with her anymore.

[greenmonster]

Hm...I am not sure if someone mentioned this already but maybe she fears the fact that you guys are becoming more serious (more gf/bf-ish). Consequently, her aversion to being "tied down" in a relationship made her lash out at you when you did something that she perceived as "territorial."

 

I think this is exactly what I've been trying to figure out....I couldn't understand why she would get mad about something that I've said to her before...but now that things are different between us she may have taken it this way.

 

I apologize if I am way off but I do get a sense that while you highly value your friendship with this woman and claim that you will be happy with remaining friends, you would like it to evolve a bit more.

 

If she is this hellbent on NOT being in a relationship, where can this really go? If you think you may want a relationship and she doesnt, what's going to happen to the friendship?

 

I think I read somewhere else that you will NOT give up the friendship.

 

your right...I value her and I's friendship above all else...the sex is just something that has happened and as it has gone on it has made me realize that I truly do love this girl...but I don't know how to move on with that because I also know how she is when it comes to relationships and her feelings on them...

 

BUT if this is the case, aren't you treading on dangerous waters here by engaging her in sex, which is only prompting your emotions to grow deeper? I.e. aren't you risking the friendship too by having sex with her?

 

People's relationship cannot stay in stasis, imho; it seems like she wants it to remain suspended in "friendship mode" whereas you kinda dont.

 

I don't know ... I know you said you didn't want to but it almost seems like you gotta choose one or the other -- staying friends or asking her move forward in your relationship.

 

What do you think?

 

see...thats it...

 

I cant decide where to go with this...

 

lemme put it this way...

 

this girl is absolutely everything I could ever want in someone. she is smart, funny, passionate, beautiful, artistic, and simply wonderful in every way that I can imagine. I've thought this about her for 6 years now...and we've gotten along better than any two people I've ever heard of.

 

its like we truly are soul mates....we are opposites in every way...and in that we complete eachother...we laugh at all the same stupid stuff that no one else gets, and we feed off of eachothers energy so well that its like when we are together there is no one else in the world.

 

but because I know her so well...and I know that if I pushed the idea of a relationship on her then I would run the risk of loosing what I have now...and what I have now is more amazing than I could ever ask for...but I cannot help but want more.

 

I guess its just my nature to want it all...but I'm just scared because I know that if I try....I will fail...

 

I cant go back...and if I go forward I will loose it all....and if I stay where I am I will go insane with these emotions tearing out my insides burning to get out...](*,)

 

what a horrible situation to be in...amazing sex with a beautiful girl who doesn't want a relationship who just so happens to also be your best friend and the coolest person you could ever want to be with...

 

bah...

[TheFoglifter]

Sometimes age is the factor that makes the difference. At 18, I've heard many many girls say "I'll never get tied down or have kids, I'm going to have a high powered career and don't need a man or a baby". 7 or 8 years later, they are stay at home moms and couldn't be happier.

 

A great man once said "I never thought I needed kids to be happy, now I can't imagine my life without them". Props to anyone who recognizes the quote.

 

So who knows, maybe if you hold on just a bit longer, she will change her mind. I think you only get one shot at this.

 

Or, maybe she'll lose you, and then realize just how much she has lost.

 

Or maybe she'll continue on with no regrets, as that is the lifestyle she has chosen. She might not "come around" until she is 45 years old, and waking up who knows where.

 

At least you got to have some great sex with a gorgeous girl.

[greenmonster]

Ellie and Fog I think you're both right.

 

honestly...yes...I do think that someday she will want to get married & have kids and all that...but that day is several years from now...she is 26 almost 27 and I am 29 almost 30 (god that sounds old)...and so she isn't just some teenage girl who hasn't seen the world...but she certainly isn't done growing up(which honestly...I hope she never does "grow up")

 

I didn't go into this friendship with her thinking that someday I would end up dating her...we became friends originally because we were just good friends right from the start...now that the sex has came into view it has jumbled up things for both of us I believe.

 

she is hot and cold...its like when she starts to see herself getting closer to me than she would like she backs off. when we were suppose to spend every weekend this month together because of going to some concerts and stuff she cancelled on me to go with some friends instead...no biggie for me honestly because I have a bachleor party to attend anyway...but its little things like that I can tell she is holding herself back because she doesn't want to be in a relationship.

 

and for me...well....it is hard. I walk this line...and I stay in this state of flux because I am waiting on her to give me some kind of sign to proceed...or back off.

 

don't get me wrong...I'm not walking on egg shells...her and I still have all the same fun we had before sex came around...and I've hinted around things a little with her about the idea of "us" but I've never really just sat her down and dropped out a massive rant about everything I feel inside...

 

all in all....I guess having the best sex of my life with a beautiful girl while at the same time maintaining the greatest friendship I have ever known is probably worth walking a line...ya know?? but for how long....I cant tell you that.

 

frankly...yes...having sex was a mistake and it did alter the course of our friendship forever...but to what direction it set that boat is yet to be determined...

 

thank you all for the advice and insight...it is greatly appriciated

[RayKay]

Since you both seem to "know" this is the situation, well that is fine. It is not as if you are misleading one another or anything.

 

My concern however is that you seem considerably more attached to something "more" with her in the long run, and I just worry that if you are willing to hang around hoping for that to change, which she seems unlikely to do, you really are also missing out on meeting someone whom can be all this, and more (as in want a committed relationship with you).

 

I understand you have a great friendship, and great sex and all that, but I guarantee there are other women in the world whom you could have those, and actually be not in limbo with.

 

Anyway, what do you really "fear" by her knowing how you really feel about this? That she will run in the other direction? That she might even be equally willing but then it might not be as great in reality to be committed to her as it is in fantasy? That you might get hurt? I don't know...I guess you do need to figure out what you really want. I can see being fearful of her response, but is it not better to know that NOW, then let this drag on another six years in limbo until she decides and even meets someone she DOES want to settle down with?

 

My final comment is I wonder if you are almost addicted in a sense to the fact she IS "unavailable" because it also allows and protects you in a sense, and because it presents a "challenge" to you.