I have a question about proposals

[EvaGina]

ok

so I love my bf, want to be with him forever... yada yada yada...

 

if anyone can remember the ker-fuffle we had over him telling me he loves me... you will know that hes terrified of emotions.

 

I know he wants to be with me, and I know he wants to live with me, I know hes going to change his life around over the next few years so we can stay togheter and both of us are planning our long-term futures around eachother.

INCLUDING having children.

 

Of course I want the romantic proposal and everything like that... but I just dont think it will ever happen, hes not that kinda guy. I dont want to have kids out of wedlock (very un-liberal of me, I know) and hes not overy fussed on the marriage thing (his parents are married, but have been together for almost 30 years.)

 

I was wondering, from what people may have gathered about him from my continuious posting... do you think me proposing to him would go down ok?

I wouldnt do it until after we had been living together for a while...

 

so, yes... any ideas/tips/questions/rants/stories?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Eva - I guess my honest opinion is that..... if YOU don't know by now how he would take a proposal from you, there's not a lot WE can know about him.

 

AND, if you're not comfortable asking HIM his thoughts on the girl proposing or how he thinks he would receive a proposal from you...

 

 

... I just can't imagine we would know any better than you.

[sti_2004]

dont force it upon him...

 

maybe you should just carry on what your doing till he proposes....

[EvaGina]

STI... hes not the proposing type... it just wouldnt occur to him.

I would rather ask him than hint at him to ask me

 

thats totally fair enough Awdree

 

bah

I might just do it...

no use in being a scardey cat, is there?

[Hope75]

Eva,

 

Does he want to be married? I understand from what you've said that you doubt he would ask you, but has he said that he does want to be married to you someday?

[Hope75]

dont force it upon him...

 

maybe you should just carry on what your doing till he proposes....

 

 

I don't see anything wrong with her proposing if she feels he is not the type to traditionally ask her, but her first clue that what his answer may be depends on his attitude about marriage in general and feelings about being married to her eventually.

 

What do you think, Eva?

[EvaGina]

Eva,

 

Does he want to be married? I understand from what you've said that you doubt he would ask you, but has he said that he does want to be married to you someday?

 

hes not a huge believer in the whole marriage thing.

his parents are very happy, and unmarried...

and after 3 years of defacto living here, you are legally married anyways, as far as tax and separation and all that is concerened

 

He has said a few sweet things about actuall weddings... and I do know he wants ME... but the whole wedding/certificate/ring thing just doesnt do it for him.

 

Hes not opposed, he just doesnt view it as important.

 

EDIT: But I do. when we are ready, I am sure he would want to get married if it was what I wanted, but he wouldnt bring it up... y'know?

[Mavis VDSande]

Reminds me SO MUCH of my bf. I guess I haven't given it too much thought because we're still slaving away at establishing our careers, but we've been together for a bit over 3 yrs and it'll be time soon to touch on the subject. Well, time I mean - he'll be 30 in two yrs, and I'll be 28...

 

I know he sees a future in me, living together & kids, but I have no idea how he feels about marriage with me! Or, maybe I'm scared to ask him.... as he has hinted at how he's not really a big believer in such a "legal establishment".

 

I just realised how unhelpful this post is! I guess I'm saying...

 

I know how you feel. But I wouldn't propose to my bf - I would wait until he did. I'm too traditional I guess. There's no way I'd have kids unless I was married - my bf knows this much of me.

[EvaGina]

Im hardly traditional at all, which is what is so odd about me finding marriage very important.

I dno... we are planning on travelling before we have kids... and I would want to be married when we did that.

 

and he does know that I dont care about an expensive egagment ring or a huge wedding (I would actually HATE a big wedding) so those parts wont be scaring him...

 

the career/studying thing I dont see as having any influence on whether we are married or not...

[dtgrl812]

 

EDIT: But I do. when we are ready, I am sure he would want to get married if it was what I wanted, but he wouldnt bring it up... y'know?

 

You guys going to a wedding soon? Me and the bf went to a wedding last month. He dropped lines like "we are so going to put the bulk of our money into the buffet" and "how many people do you want to be your bridesmaids".

 

My point being that weddings are a great place for the subject to come up in a natural sort of way. Maybe if you guys were going to one/at one you could approach the subject in that setting.

[EvaGina]

You guys going to a wedding soon? Me and the bf went to a wedding last month. He dropped lines like "we are so going to put the bulk of our money into the buffet" and "how many people do you want to be your bridesmaids".

 

My point being that weddings are a great place for the subject to come up in a natural sort of way. Maybe if you guys were going to one/at one you could approach the subject in that setting.

 

lol

HES going to one tomorrow!! maybe thats why Im thinking about it

hes going as the photographer at an intimate family wedding, everyone else will be "adult" so Im not going

 

lol, I hope I dont say something stupid when drunk tonight!

 

but thats a really good idea, thanks!

 

ok, so I know I will propose... any ideas on how?

haaha, we arent even moving in together for months... im way too ahead of myself

[caro33]

Eva I would really look hard at some core facts here before you go down this path. You guys are both early-mid 20s right? You have been together over a reasonably short time (how long?) I know it was intense, but how long are we talking about here?

 

When you say you will propose when you guys are 'ready' what do you mean? What does living together 'for a while' mean and what timeframe do you have in your mind right now?

 

Given there have been other issues, then I would not even start thinking about this stuff for a while yet. From my own experience, and that of others I know, the more you actively fantasise about this stuff before one or both of you is ready, the more you are setting yourself up for a fall. It's hard to think these things and not have them bleed into your everyday life, and this can be really confronting for your partner if they aren't ready...

[melrich]

I agree with Awdree on this. Some people just don't have marriage in their value set and it SOUNDS like he may fall into that category but you should know better than anyone about that.

 

I think if he is getting married just to please you, or because he thinks that is his only option, he may come to resent it. And that may not happen immediately but may build up over time, especially as the "date" got closer.

 

Does he know how important it is to you? Have you had that discussion yet?

[Mavis VDSande]

Im hardly traditional at all, which is what is so odd about me finding marriage very important.

I dno... we are planning on travelling before we have kids... and I would want to be married when we did that.

 

and he does know that I dont care about an expensive egagment ring or a huge wedding (I would actually HATE a big wedding) so those parts wont be scaring him...

 

the career/studying thing I dont see as having any influence on whether we are married or not...

 

Hmmmm... maybe it's the romance of it all! No wait... - you mentioned you would only have kids if you were married? Perhaps what you have in mind is travelling as an extended honeymoon or something. Does he know of this plan?

 

I do think that what dtgrl812 mentioned rings true as well. I recently attended my bf's brother's wedding and immediately after that he was being a bit mushy, talking about kids and things.

 

Also we'll be attending my brother's wedding next year - so that will be another opportunity to talk about marriage in a pressure-free manner.

 

I'd love to have a very small wedding, and I'm not fussed about the size of a "rock" - it's just that I personally could not get married unless I was financially stable and we had a place together and were at the point where we could be ready to have kids, emotionally & financially.

 

I sound really boring/practical/unromantic now don't I?

[ElektraHere]

If he is so emotionally shut off now while your dating, what do you think he will be like when married and with children? Marriage and children make it to where if you aren't open emotionally......man that will just lead to MAJOR complications. Whatever happened to being emotionally and mentally ready and available before we hit the marriage and children trek?

[Mavis VDSande]

Whatever happened to being emotionally and mentally ready and available before we hit the marriage and children trek?

 

Yeah I believe this is very important. My bf's brother was living with his wife for 10yrs until they decided to get married - it just felt like the right time. Another example - my oldest sister was married for 8yrs until she gave birth to her first child - again, they waited until they were ready.

 

Of course everyone was bugging them left right and centre - but they knew themselves when the time was right.

 

I've been with my bf for a bit over 3yrs, I don't think I could be ready for another 2yrs maybe? Of course our parents are pushy about it, there's a lot of "so you're part of out family now (wink wink)". Maybe that's why I haven't bothered to speak to J about it, because it's not right... Although I do know that he's totally not ready either (whether because of his views about it or emotionally).

 

Anyway, trying to get to the point (it's quite late here, hehe), I wouldn't propose because I believe that ppl generally know what they want and ask for it when it's the right time.

[EvaGina]

Eva I would really look hard at some core facts here before you go down this path. You guys are both early-mid 20s right? You have been together over a reasonably short time (how long?) I know it was intense, but how long are we talking about here?

about half a year. but to be honest... after a while of dating I get to the point where I ask myself if it is going in that direction or not... if its not, then I break it off... if it is or might be, then I stick with it.

 

that said, I am not one of those people who HAS to get married, or needs a bf (I have been proposed to by 4 men... if I wanted marriage for the title, I would have done it by now )... I just dont see the point in being with someone for a substanual amount of time if you dont have the urge to potentially marry them.

 

i would rather be single for life than in a relationship going nowhere.

 

When you say you will propose when you guys are 'ready' what do you mean? What does living together 'for a while' mean and what timeframe do you have in your mind right now?

by "ready" its mostly giving my parents the opportunity to get to know him, as they dont knwo him well at all at the moment. and the "for a while" is just when it feels like we know how to handle eachother when we are living together.

 

Given there have been other issues, then I would not even start thinking about this stuff for a while yet. From my own experience, and that of others I know, the more you actively fantasise about this stuff before one or both of you is ready, the more you are setting yourself up for a fall. It's hard to think these things and not have them bleed into your everyday life, and this can be really confronting for your partner if they aren't ready...

I know what you are saying... I have had this with other partners (except I was on the other side) being pressured into going further...

 

IMO, the only think stopping me from wanting to do it NOW is our current living arrangments... we dont live together and i want to see how our dynamic changes when we do. That said, he may have other worries that I should probalby find out about.

[Hope75]

I agree with Awdree on this. Some people just don't have marriage in their value set and it SOUNDS like he may fall into that category but you should know better than anyone about that.

 

I think if he is getting married just to please you, or because he thinks that is his only option, he may come to resent it. And that may not happen immediately but may build up over time, especially as the "date" got closer.

 

Does he know how important it is to you? Have you had that discussion yet?

 

This is a good point.

 

Eva,

 

Have you talked to him about how important marriage is to you, especially before you have children?

[EvaGina]

lol, so many replies, I cant keep up!

 

Mel... I see what you mean... if he said no, and meant never, I would graciously step out... I wouldnt have a tanty or anything... it would just come down to different values in a major issue...

He knows I want to... I dont think he gets how important it is to me tho. I had the perfect opportunity to say something this morning, but I didnt take it

 

Elektra... TOTALLY get what you are saying here... it gets a bit difficult when it comes to things like this... hes autistic to a degree (his brother is severly so ) and finds it easier to just close those kinds of things off until I take the time to open him up. That will only improve slightly with time, it will never be totally resolved... and thats something I am willing to put up with.

(he is great with kids... just to reassure )

 

Mavis... Yup... Kids are something I wouldnt enter into lightly... I would rather NOT have kids if I wasnt totally prepared, than have them for my own selfish wants.

[EvaGina]

btw guys, thanks for all the great input I have thought of most of this stuff already, but its nice to have other people point out the relevance of it all

[Beyondthesea]

Hi honey,

 

I just wanted to point out a few things....

 

Knowing what I know now, I would never bother staying with someone who is not wanting marriage if you are. If it is that important to you and not to him, then you are not right for one another.

 

You have been proposed to by 4 men...why did you refuse all their proposals? More for curiosity than anything...they obviously thought the relationship was at that point, but you didn't...why?

 

In this case, the opposite is happening. You are wanting it, he is not. Why do you think the tables have turned this way? do you really think he will ever be on the same level as you?

 

Why is he the one for you?

[Dako]

i would rather be single for life than in a relationship going nowhere..

 

Pardon me for tossing your own quote at you, but if this is true, you have nothing to lose by asking him to marry you.

[EvaGina]

Youre right Dako... Of course I would PREFER to be in a relationship going somewhere... but sometimes there are things we cant settle on... this is one for me.

 

 

I like this post beyondthesea

Hi honey,

 

I just wanted to point out a few things....

 

Knowing what I know now, I would never bother staying with someone who is not wanting marriage if you are. If it is that important to you and not to him, then you are not right for one another.

agreed.

I wouldnt want him to say yes if he didnt want to... hes not OPPOSED to the idea of marriage... he is, however, wary of it. If he didnt trust me enough to assuge that waryness, then I wouldnt want him to marry me anyway.

You have been proposed to by 4 men...why did you refuse all their proposals? More for curiosity than anything...they obviously thought the relationship was at that point, but you didn't...why?

I was actually engaged for a while... stupidest idea ever. It was a gradual thing, pushed by our parents... I broke it off tho.

 

The other 3 men just figured that marraige would fix any problems... none of them were particularily stable men, they were fun, until they wanted to claim me... they thought of marriage as ownership, not a union.

 

I have never been one of those people who NEEDS a bf... I would rather not feel like I was settling, and I would have felt like that with those men.

In this case, the opposite is happening. You are wanting it, he is not. Why do you think the tables have turned this way? do you really think he will ever be on the same level as you?

I think I am realistic when it comes to relationships... He is still getting over the issues that he developed with his ex (that NOT saying hes still getting over his ex) which will only happen in a healthy, happy relationship. Again, his parents are married, so I dont think he sees the point in marriage. I dont either, to be honest... I dont know why I want it so.

Why is he the one for you?

I want him becuase I know we are actually good for eachother. We are that horrible cliche, as we make eachother the best versions of ourselves that we can be. We arent perfect, obviously, but I feel hope with him, I look forward to a future with him...

 

 

EDIT: I have been with enough bad men to recognise hte good ones.

[tankgirl]

I think you may have had a couple of typos, because sometimes you say that his parents are married and other times you say they aren't. Looking at the context, I'd imagine that they have been together 30 years, but are not married.

 

Assuming that is correct and based on what you've said of his personality, it sounds as if he doesn't see the necessity of marriage, but probably would not oppose it, but certainly wouldn't initiate it.

 

You seem as though you are in love and committed and the only thing holding you back is that you want to experience living together for a while to make sure you are truly compatible.

 

Based on everything you've said in your posts, I think you want to propose and you should, when you feel the time is right. As far as how you do it, I'd suggest doing it in a place or situation that is meaningful to both of you, and as simply as possible. Remember, the engagement is going to mean more to you than to him. That's not a bad thing, it's just reality - a reality you've already accepted.

 

Being the incurable romantic I am, I'd not bring a ring or anything, but I'd get down on a knee and ask in the traditional way. He'll need to understand that it's not a conversation, it's a proposal. Not that you can't talk about it, but it's not the same as discussing marriage in the abstract.

 

As an alternative, do you have a friend who could intervene and encourage him to propose?

 

As far as your other proposals - obviously they just weren't right for you. I had two before I accepted my husband's proposal. With the first one, he hadn't been faithful to me while we were dating and promised he would once we got married. Ya, right. The second one I didn't really take seriously - way too soon - and it wasn't until more than 20 years later that I found out he was truly serious!

 

Good luck. There is plenty of time to consider everything. I sounds like this is something you want to do. Don't let people talk you out of it. As one of the first posters said, you know him better than we do, so you are the best judge of his reaction.

[ghost69]

well, if you have no idea how he would react and you are unsure of how he expresses his emotions, i would say don't do it.

 

but if you have a good feeling about his response, i don't see why not.