engagment question

[CarnelianButterfly]

I don't know what to tell u--- these seems to be a trend... i have a girl pal who invited to a "engagment party" iasked him when he proposed and she said... "oh he is going to this weekend" i was like "huh??" she said he took her to pick out the ring and they had big dinner plans for that weekend and he was going to propose durring desert....

 

talk about anti-climatic!!

 

lol

Wha? how is that romantic, why bother going through the dog and pony show, get to the point. Its like unwrapping all your presents, seeing what they are and wrapping them up again. An exercise in futility! Woohoo!

[Inked1]

As someone waiting for her ring the "knowing he will propose but not when" is still exciting and it will be surprising. I have always felt couples should discuss marriage and timing long before any questions are popped. Why be in the awkward situation of either rejecting your boyfriend or saying yes when you don't mean it because of the on the spot pressure.

Plus, my boyfriend said he wanted at least an idea of what kind of ring I might like before going out and spending that kind of money.

[Shiranai]

"07-02-2007 06:49 PM

Batya33 Have you accepted gifts based on being "engaged?""

 

My fiance keeps asking if I want a ring. I said no. I don't want a ring. I made him take me on a 21 day vacation in Japan to celebrate though. XD That was fun.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Probably just a show of all my anti-social tendencies, but what the heck does the guy get? He goes through all the shenanigans of the proposal, wastes money on a ring or gift, and all he gets is a yes or no, what the heck is the woman doing in all this? Playing the passive, doe-eyed, wife to-be? I think its a one-sided and ridiculous practice, save time and money and invest in something worth while that you both can enjoy and pay for together, like a house, car, whatever.

[Leonhart]

In another thread, someone said their bf was planning to propose soon...

now, is it just me or does that make no sense? If they were planning to propose, then both parties know about it, which makes you engaged by default, just without a ring.

 

also, why do people have long engagments? is it to test the waters?

imo, you shouldnt get engaged unless you are ready to get married (emotionally that is, I can understand if you are saving up for a big wedding or a house or something)... otherwise its just a lie.

 

I have been engaged, btw, and it was one of the stupidest things I have ever done.

 

I agree with all of this... except the first part. I would assume people officially do the ring, down on one knee and annoucement thing as a proclaimation of their love and future union. It's romantic.

 

I don't see the point of lengthy engagements, and I too feel that being engaged was the stupidest thing I've ever done. But at least I can say that I "was engaged." That's... something, I guess.

[tankgirl]

Okay, I need to respond.

 

Long engagement: I was engaged for almost two years. We got engaged New Year's Eve and wanted a Fall or Spring wedding (we were getting married in a place where summer was too hot and winter too cold) and the soonest we could get the church and reception places we wanted was September of the following year. Thus, almost 2 years.

 

Two of the posters said they don't believe in long engagements and then said they'd been engaged and broken it off. Easier to break off the engagement than the marriage!!

 

Being engaged is not the same as being married. You should have the same level of commitment, obviously, but emotionally and legally, you don't. You shouldn't accept the proposal if you're not ready, either. People who get engaged because they think they want to marry but are not sure...well, that's not engaged.

 

A lot of women like to pick out their own ring. They also want their bf to give them the ring when he offiically asks. Now, I personally would find it unromantic to shop for and actually order the ring and even know the time and place, but it's different if you are a couple who is considering marriage and looking at rings together to give the guy a hint at what she likes.

 

To each his own. I have one friend who ordered the ring and knew when and where he was going to ask and that was perfect for them. It was a story to tell and a memory they have together. Other friends picked out the ring and just didn't know how and when he'd ask. It was still exciting.

 

Don't forget that people generally don't propose unless they are pretty certain that the person is going to accept. This means they've talked about marriage and weddings and what they like, don't like, etc. Maybe even looked at rings.

 

As for me, my husband and I looked at rings that evening and I was pretty convinced he bought it while I was shopping for something else in another store. That night, New Year's Eve, we were at a dinner club with his four brothers, their gfs and some other friends and his brothers all knew he was going to ask me. At midnight, instead of kissing me, he got down on one knee (looking into my eyes, not my crotch) and proposed. Before I could answer, his brothers pounced on him, hugging him and slapping his back, etc. Meanwhile I'm standing there, sans ring, saying, "HELLO! I haven't said yes yet!!" Then I did and the hoopla started all over again. Sort of romantic, sort of funny, wonderful memory.

[Batya33]

I think there are people, myself included, who would not wait two years to be married because of weather concerns. That is not to judge your priority to have a reception and to have it in decent weather, but just noting that others have different priorities. In other situations -not yours - I have found that people focus far more on the reception than the marriage.

 

I completely agree that it is far better to cancel a wedding than get divorced!

 

Glad it all worked out so well for you!

[tankgirl]

On the other hand, we were already living and sleeping together and didn't want kids right away, so it wasn't as if waiting was making a huge difference in our lives.

 

I'd dreamed of having my wedding on the rocky New England coast in a certain place. To us, it was worth the wait to make that memory. I got married near where I grew up, which was a 6 hour drive from where I was living, so having extra time to travel back and forth to make the arrangements was very helpful and took the stress off my family.

 

My mom lived in the house I grew up in (6 hours from where I was), most of my family lived in that same area, my husband's family lived 5 hours away in the opposite direction and most of our friends were scattered accross the country.

 

Yes, I wanted a big wedding and there is nothing wrong with that. We had plenty of time to save and plan. No, my focus wasn't simply on the reception and not the marriage. I did have some inklings of doubt, mainly because my parents were very unhappily married and finally got divorced while I was in college, my grandparents were divorced, every one of my cousins was divorced AND had gotten pregnant before marriage. Lots of issues!!

 

Anyway, the important thing is that we've been together 21 years, married for 18. That's pretty darn good in my book!!

[Batya33]

Absolutely respect your priorities and your decision making -was just pointing out that for others, the priority might be to have the ceremony and be married sooner despite having to delay - or not even have - the party. As I mentioned above as well, glad it worked out so well for you!

[RayKay]

You know, of most people I know whom have gotten married in their later 20's or past, most of them "knew" it was coming in the sense they had talked of marriage with their partners, of when they thought it might be right for them to get married, and some yes did talk of the ring styles they enjoyed and so forth.

 

I don't necessarily think that takes away from the "surprise" of it. Nor do I think honestly a marriage/proposal should be about the surprise over the shared decision of doing so. Surprises are nice, but certainly I would rather have talked about marriage, our expectations, our plans/goals and so forth and feel ready together, than be surprised and not having had those discussions.

 

As for long engagements....I don't really feel either way about them. It depends on the situation. I indeed think there are some whom propose due to pressure, than delay the wedding ceremony. Others whom get engaged very young or very soon into the relationship (maybe for the surprise, the status or the hopes of keeping the romantic feelings alive) and then have a later wedding ceremony. In those cases, I don't think that is a bad idea (and some of these couples DON'T make it to the wedding....so maybe waiting was a good idea!).

 

I had read that 15% of couples break off the engagements before the wedding, I imagine some of these are those that rushed it, or were in denial, found out things they did not know before (or pretended they did not!), or could not stand stress of the wedding planning together, or were hoping marriage would fix things...who knows....again, maybe a good thing to happen before the marriage!

 

My mother has said if it were not for the pressure of her parents whom did not "believe" in long engagements, maybe she might not have married my father (whom was a serial cheater it turned out). Of course, us kids would not be here, but I remember her telling me that well!

 

On the other hand, I know people whom have talked about the wedding, knew the proposal was coming, and still took a year or two to get married. Sometimes as they had family overseas they wanted to be there, or they were paying for it themselves and wanted to take the time to save up for a house or something to move into after wedding first, or did want a larger wedding. Some of them wanted to finish school first, or what have you, but still wanted to be engaged and make that promise to one another and start the planning. I think that is up to a couple, if they feel comfortable with that. I don't think an engagement must mean "get married NOW"!

 

In the old days, a promise to marry (engagement) was actually a binding contract...maybe accepting or making the proposal was a much bigger deal then, and maybe people don't always put as much consideration into the relationship itself at times so rush into it too soon. Just speculation as I know I would see an engagement as a very serious commitment, but I would also be one whom would only accept a proposal or make plans to marry someone if I was absolutely ready and "knew" the person and the relationship well enough!

 

 

Personally, when I get engaged, I can't see waiting that long...at least not if it is my current partner asking. We have lived together 2.5 years, know each other quite well at this point (most of time at least!) and while we have things to work out, I would be quite comfortable even skipping the proposal and just having a short notice garden wedding with close family and friends....lol. I don't see my own future wedding as something I am going to need to spend a lot of money on or time planning, and for me, the engagement period would not be more "getting to know each other" time, so for me a long engagement is not in my own mind necessary.

 

That of course does not mean I would turn down a proposal with a ring either (even if on bended knee...I don't think my boyfriend would be looking at my crotch when he did it..lol....even bended down he is tall enough to still at least stare at my chest...kidding! But seriously, you look in the eyes whether you do it standing, bended, or balanced on your head)!

 

And I would absolutely be into getting him an engagement gift/ring if I could afford it (I imagine it will be more of a 5 year anniversary gift though, as I have exactly in mind what I would like to get him, and I sure can't afford it while I am in school!).