A question for the dump-ees...

[SwEeTLiLGuRL]

I have been the dumpee twice..It sucks. You would have thought I learned the first time. Honestly it doesn't have to do with you entirely. I mean they always say that it's them not you, it's almost like they have to say it. I think they say it cause they don't want to completely close the door. We ALL know that many people go back to their ex's. I pretty much feel like that is what I'm going through now. My ex says he knows I'm a great girl, and I have a lot going for me..( i really do...) but that he is just not wanting the committed relationship. And now he's been having his ex spend the night....go figure. The way I see it is if they couldn't see the wonderful person you are the first time, they won't see it a second time. Let him mess up again, just make sure you don't

[servedcold]

Sure people fall out of love, happens every day. Sure saying "I love you," doesn't mean forever, but I disagree that the only grounds for being the "bad guy" in a breakup is abuse unless the definition of abuse is so broad that the word becomes meaningless.

 

Being clingy and insecure, fickle in love (slave to impulse), keeping a third party on the back burner as a friend to run to in case things go wrong, new toy syndrome, commitmentphobia, being incommunicative of desires (mislabeled as needs), staying with someone for security until something better comes along, expecting to be made happy by someone else, insincere behavior to make the other person dump, selfishness and unwillingness to put in effort...are but a very few examples of very bad behavior in relationships that aren't abusive per se, but bad nonetheless.

 

I've made every mistake in the book in relationships, and find new mistakes to make every day, but "no-fault" breakups are rare, and most breakups that drive people to a place like ENA include some very bad actions on one side.

[rosie76]

Sometimes there is nothing wrong with the person that got dumped. Tonight, my ex could not tell me that it was anything I did that made him dump me. He was stressed out about life and did not want a relationship. That's what he says. I don't believe him. How could he just do this.

 

Don't know how long / serious your relationship was, but this sometimes really does happen. It just happened to my ex, I think.

 

Though he seemed dead honest, I did wonder for a bit whether 'I don't want a relationship' was just a nice way to say 'I don't want a relationship with you.' Then I realized that it's over regardless and the why doesn't matter - that he's told me he doesn't want a relationship with anyone could be true or could be him shielding me from something more hurtful.

 

I asked myself which would I rather carry around in my head while getting over him? Remembered that book 'Life of Pi' - I'll not describe it if you've not read it since a summary would ruin it, but the basic gist is that where things can't be known absolutely and can't be changed, why not choose to believe the best possible version of events?

 

This was a bit of a comfort to me, anyway. Hope that you'll feel better soon.

[EvaGina]

I was thinking about this, and earlier on in the thread, someone says they dont feel like a bad person...

 

..but you can only be judged on your actions... a bad person (or a bad partner) does bad things... Im sure Hitler thought he was fine (not that I think anyone here is Hitler, but you get my drift).

 

I USED to be a bad person... definitely... but its easy to change.

[Brooke657]

I know that the reason he didn't want to stay in a relationship was partially my fault. I just had a really bad Summer last year and it basically consumed my life but I refused to talk to him about it because I didn't feel like he'd understand. That definatly didn't help at all and we just kind of started growing apart because that was such a huge part of my life at the moment that I wouldn't share with him.

[renaissancewoman101]

The only flaws I see about myself is that I can get too clingy with people. I also am way too suspicious about people and worried about them dumping me, to the point I think I CAUSE them to dump me. I don't deal well with being dumped because it brings up all these nightmares of abandonment and my mom telling me that I would never amount to anything and nobody would ever want to be with me. I have to deal with all those ghosts every time I get dumped. Sad thing is I try so hard NOT to get dumped. I try to be a good person, try to master my insecurities (that's NOT easy), and I try to be understanding and be there for someone. Still, things blow up on me. In the last year or so, I've come to realize that nothing's forever and even friends don't last forever. I've also become cynical about people lately and think that most people are in it for themselves and could care less about others.

[panchala23]

It's really easy to become cynical, and I have been there before. You really have to try hard to keep things in perspective tho. There are tons of people who break up every day and tons of people who find love every day. You will be on both sides of this at some point in your life. If a million plus people can get over things, then so can you. It's hard because you keep trying to find meaning in something, but sometimes it just comes down to things not working out. Real relationships are complicated, and two people can love each other as much as possible, but sometimes external circumstances or all sorts of things can get in the way.

 

Keep things in perspective. In perspective you will find yourself again.

[leixling]

Love is never guaranteed. The minute you realize that you truly do love your SO, is the minute he or she decides to kick your butt to the curb.

 

lol that's true

[BriarRose]

IMO, an abuser will most likely go find another victim rather than try to change. They would have little incentive to change since they can usually find someone else willing to deal with them.