A question for the dump-ees...

[EvaGina]

Now, I DO know that some people are dumped unfairly, I do know that GOOD people get dumped

 

but rarely do you see people saying "I was an ass, I took her for grated, abused her when she tried to right my wrongs and then harassed her when she broke up with me... THAT is why she left"...

 

you always get "woe is me, she dumped me, what a cow, shes such an "

 

so, my question is, do people actually LEARN from their break ups? or are the abusive people far too blind to ever see the truth? are they too obsessed with winning?

 

I dno, there seems to be a huge gap... so many people on here claiming to be victims, and so few taking responsibility for their own flaws...

 

I was just thinking of my ex, he used to SAY he learnt from his ex, but he didnt...

[JadedStar]

Most abusers DON'T see that they are abusive, so no, you probably don't get a lot of them writing on forums saying they were a jerk.

 

Occasionally it does happen tho. I've seen a few posts on these forums from someone who realized they were a bonafide jerk.

 

Problem is, and reality probably will say, they probably do the same thing the next time around.

 

Truth is far fewer people really change than those who do. Some do, but most don't. That is why bad relationships are not just a plague for the younger set.

[sfindependent]

i actually did. Ive become aversive. Lol. But to be honest, as i get older, ive come to know what i want in relationships. I was one of those people who actually ADMIT that I was wrong. when she left, i actually did change. especially the way ive behaved after she broke up with me.... It was THE MOST embarrasing thing I've ever done to myself.

 

now you made me think.... I wonder.... Time to post in another thread!

[melrich]

I guess it is human nature to "blame" anyone but ourselves.

 

I think in the immediate aftermath , when people are blindsided and angry, it is pretty common to react with "Why are they doing this to me?"

 

As time passes most people get a more realistic and clearer image of just what the relationship was. Hopefully they learn stuff from that, experience is the best teacher. But how often do you see the same people repeating the same mistakes? Too often.

 

My greatest bugbear is "She/he told me they loved me!! How could they lie to me like that?"

 

The sooner people learn through experience that love today doesn't guarantee love tomorrow, the quicker they will develop the skills to cope with emotional trauma.

[jettison]

- My ex GF called me late a night, and I wouldn't tell her to stop.

 

- I went out to dinner with my ex-GF. I told the new GF about it, said it was "no big deal".

 

- After she dumped me, I sent her a nasty letter, saying that I was going to date someone else.

 

 

That's about the extent of it. Not over the top brutal, but all pretty big mistakes. However, we all make mistakes.

[tatame22]

Sometimes there is nothing wrong with the person that got dumped. Tonight, my ex could not tell me that it was anything I did that made him dump me. He was stressed out about life and did not want a relationship. That's what he says. I don't believe him. How could he just do this.

[dunzo]

I am learning whole heartedly from my situation..I am still unsure of what percentage was my fault and his fault....But I know I hurt him throughout the relationship because I was unable to communicate well and show appreciation towards him..He expressed this many times and said I was selfish...And during the relationship, I just got angry when he said these things to me...When I broke up with him because I wasnt on the same level of intensity as him to make the relationship work, I realized all my faults...I tried desperately to get him back....By then it was too late...But then the tables turned, and him having me in the weak position, allowed him to get every ounce of satisfaction from hurting me and telling me what scum I was..My self esteem has been so low and I have question the very core of who I am because of him....But just up until a few days ago I finally started to realize I never purposely meant to hurt him...And I would be more aware of how I was affecting another person in a future relationship as well as reciprocating affection and deeds of kindness...I honestly never looked at all my flaws so closely if it werent for him bad mouthing me so horribly in the end....The relationship was a mess..If you read another of my recent posts, he is already married after amonth of us being broken up..So that helps me realize I wasnt SO crazy in feeling like the relationship was going too fast for me....He wanted more than I had..and I really tried....It is all about communication and being assertive....I had a hard time telling him exactly what I wanted or how I was feeling..Mostly because I wasnt sure....When I told him I wasnt sure, that also caused issues...I think I learned ALOT....I just hope I can be single long enough for it to resonate within me and be affective for the next relationship I have..If I ever have one...I think I also need to learn when to cut a relationship off before it gets too muddled and hurtful....I seem to let many of my relationships get drawn out and be on and off again..Breaking up and getting back together...I have yet to find that relationship where I can really give it my 100% because I see a future with them...But I always expect that feeling to grow as you get to know the person...Not sure which way it goes...Does anyone?

[melrich]

Sometimes there is nothing wrong with the person that got dumped.

 

There's never anything "wrong" with a dumpee or a dumper (unless there is abuse involved).

 

It's not a matter of right and wrong, good person or bad person, it's about incompatability. There is nothing wrong with you if you are incompatible with someone else.

[EvaGina]

- My ex GF called me late a night, and I wouldn't tell her to stop.

 

- I went out to dinner with my ex-GF. I told the new GF about it, said it was "no big deal".

 

- After she dumped me, I sent her a nasty letter, saying that I was going to date someone else.

 

 

That's about the extent of it. Not over the top brutal, but all pretty big mistakes. However, we all make mistakes.

 

gathered from the small amount of information given, it sounds like you were playing games with the two girls.

 

see, a lot of people can admit to a few provable actions they have done wrong... and use that as a scapegoat

"no, see, I cant be a bad person, I admitted to doing one or two horrid things, so why wouldnt I admit to the others? That said, I should be forgiven for those one or two horrid things, becuase we all make mistakes"

 

obvioulsy, I cant say anything definitive about you, as 3 sentances arent enough info

[dunzo]

 

My greatest bugbear is "She/he told me they loved me!! How could they lie to me like that?"

 

The sooner people learn through experience that love today doesn't guarantee love tomorrow, the quicker they will develop the skills to cope with emotional trauma.

 

Melrich...I have seemed to just realize this...I think thats why I am so frightful of saying the word or hearing it from others....To me, it should mean they would never do anything intentionally to hurt you, and that they should feel that way through thick and thin....I guess the word scares me...And love can mean something totally different from one person to the next..Just as it can feel different for someone who says it from one day to the next...I guess it is their actions that should show they love you...Which I must say..My x really did show his love to me for awhile, to which I almost cringed with fear...Dunno why...Something Im still learning as well..

[tatame22]

Love is never guaranteed. The minute you realize that you truly do love your SO, is the minute he or she decides to kick your butt to the curb.

[melrich]

...I think thats why I am so frightful of saying the word or hearing it from others....To me, it should mean they would never do anything intentionally to hurt you, and that they should feel that way through thick and thin....

 

This deserves a thread of it's own.

 

Breaking up with someone is not done to intentionally hurt. I'll give you a hypothetical. You and I are in a relationship. I feel our paths have diverged, my feelings for you aren't what they were 6 months ago.

 

I have 2 core choices, sacrifice myself and my happiness to ensure you don't get hurt and have the relationship spiral on downwards to a point where hurt and angst are all around us and everything turns ugly and we are both unhappy for a long period of time.

 

Or I can end the relationship. I know you will be hurt but I know I am doing the right thing by both of us. We will both be happy quicker and with less pain this way than by going through a long slow relationship deterioration (assuming I could keep up the pretense for a long period of time)

[dunzo]

That is why I dont think you say you love someone until you really know for sure..WHich would mean that when things started to get tough, or feelings changed, youd have that underlying love totry and work it out..Im not sure if Ive ever been in love..My x tells me I know nothing of love....I would have loved him if he had been patient with me and given me more space in time...But that request from me, is what made him not be able to love me..He wanted his love validated...Otherwise he felt rejected...I dont agree you should ever continue a relationship knowing it is doomed for failure..But that is sometimes hard to know when you are still figuring out this person and how you both fit into the relationship...

[EvaGina]

Dunzo, even if you know "for sure"... things change

that reasoning would mean no one said they loved eachother until they were on their deathbeds! or proposing, in an ideal world

 

 

-bows-

indeed

although I would obviously be hurt if Mat broke up with me, as long as he treated me with respect while doing it, I wouldnt think any less of him...

[melrich]

although I would obviously be hurt if Mat broke up with me, as long as he treated me with respect while doing it, I wouldnt think any less of him...

 

Yeah of course you would, and probably a bit angry and pissed off.

 

But really if one person in the relationship has fallen out of love then they don't have much choice. One thing I do know about love is that you cannot fake it (not for long anyway).

[EvaGina]

Yeah of course you would, and probably a bit angry and pissed off.

 

But really if one person in the relationship has fallen out of love then they don't have much choice. One thing I do know about love is that you cannot fake it (not for long anyway).

 

think less of him? No, I wouldnt

I would definitely be pissed off, and angry... I might throw a tanty... but I wouldnt hate him (other than the knee-jerk reaction, I probably should say... but logic wins out nowadays)

[dunzo]

Shouldnt you only say it if you know for sure though....I know things change from day to day...from month to month and year to year..But when people say they love eachother they are aware of this, and they want to make it work through wean and wane...If you did not love someone fully, the hard times would not be worth working through...But I am well aware even after all efforts, you cannot help it when you lose feelings for someone...Even if you once loved them...

[melrich]

Shouldnt you only say it if you know for sure though....

 

Yeah you probably should but it still doesn't mean it's forever. If you think when someone says "I love you" that what they are actually saying is "I love you and I absolutely will forever no matter what happens or how I feel." then you are potentially in for a lot of let downs.

 

People do fall out of love and there is no better way to make two people supremely unhappy than to put them together when one is in love and the other is not.

[dunzo]

Right on Melrich...The issue of one person loving or even feeling more strongly towards another is hard to balance in a relationship...And it also can turn into that old push pull theory...Which in turn can lead to on off relationships and turmoil...All of which I am experienced in...

[jettison]

gathered from the small amount of information given, it sounds like you were playing games with the two girls.

 

see, a lot of people can admit to a few provable actions they have done wrong... and use that as a scapegoat

"no, see, I cant be a bad person, I admitted to doing one or two horrid things, so why wouldnt I admit to the others? That said, I should be forgiven for those one or two horrid things, becuase we all make mistakes"

 

obvioulsy, I cant say anything definitive about you, as 3 sentances arent enough info

 

 

 

Well, I could say "I'm a bad person", and then a lot of people on here would say "No you're not, you're only human, you made mistakes. Quit being so negative about everything" or I could say "I made a bunch of mistakes, and I did the best I could at the time which wasn't good enough. But I own up to that, have paid an absurdly heavy price for my actions, and I'll know better now in the future."

 

You tell me.... I've summed it up before, but here's a nutshell.

 

 

Your SO of 10 years breaks up with you. The real relationship had been dead for almost two years, and you had basically been living as roommates since then. However, she is still your best friend, and feels like family. The breakup is a relief, but still incredibly painful. The last thing I said to her was "I know how hard this will be, but you've been my family for so long. You were always good to me, always there for me, you never cheated on me, and almost all my memories of you are beautiful. It may be hard but if you ever really need to talk to me then I'll try my best to be there for you."

 

Three months later, I'm living with the new love of my life. A month after that, the ex calls at 10pm. I am literally scared to tell her that I have fallen in love again so soon because it feels like an insult. Plus, I don't think she's found the same thing so I don't want to come accross like i'm bragging. So I end up doing ALL of it wrong. In my right mind, I'm hurting neither person, but in reality, my arrogance is hurting both of them. I so wish i'd have just bit the bullet, said "don't call me here anymore, I'm sorry". But I didn't. And after blowing off her phonecalls for about a month, I agree to have a dinner with her. I called my GF and told her about it. She didn't sound pleased, but she wasn't protesting it either.

 

So, if you want to say i'm a bad person for that then I'd accept it. Maybe I am. If that's true though then I'd really like to become a good person again.

[dunzo]

Jettison..Ive heard your story and I would go with you did what you thought was right at the time..Had you known this would make you lose your girlfriend in the long run, youd have done it different..But none of us can fully know what will happen in the future, due to the infinite amount of outcomes...I think you had a right to be able to talk to your x..I think having a long talk with your girlfriend at the time, and asking her before hand if she felt comfortable with you going to dinner with your x, would have helped...But we cant live in regret and we learn..Everything you did was out of caring for your old x, which is understandable, and you were still learning about your new girlfriend and her trust issues..So dont beat yourself up over it...You have such good insight into everything on these posts..You seem to learn alot from your experiences and mistakes...

[AusTrist]

Ive learnt from my mistakes and can still see where I faulter. I wasn't so much abusive just sometimes I made my ex feel bad without intentionally doing it and then we would hav an argument and I would raise my voice but I never cursed her or anything . I was more frustrated with myself but yeh she took it badly each time and in the end it was too much for her. I was too negative with myself and I have learnt to be a bit more level headed. Each relationship I have had I have learnt fromand built myself up from there.

[jettison]

Thx Dunzo. I told my GF about the dinner ahead of time. I told her where it would be, and said "I'll call you immediately after it's finished". It took less then an hour. Still, it didn't matter. The woman I dated was previously dating a married man that went back to his wife. To her, at that point, I was just like "every other cheating man." Her outlook on men now is incredibly bad. I'm torn on this. Part of me actually hopes that she can get completely healthy so she can date someone new and be happy, and part of me realizes that at least at this point, if she does that I'll be more jealous and hurt then happy for her. However, the longer I go NC, the closer i'll get to not caring either way. At least I hope that's true.

[Murasaki]

I certainly acknowledge that I had flaws. I learned a lot from the relationship, based on how I handled it and the breakup, but I'm also fairly new at it. She had also told me it was primarily her own flaws that caused it, and even though I was skeptical that she was sugarcoating, she's adamant that she means it.

 

Nonetheless, I think I have the victim mentality cuz it hurts so bad. But at the same time I won't hesitate to admit that I had problems and hopefully I can grow and learn from this.

[LBP]

I know I had flaws... Insecurity being the biggest one. Perhaps attempts at manipulation through guilt, but this sort of thing never happened until I was actually dumped. I guess that was the test. Apparently I was supposed to continue being my old self with her after she tells me we can't be together anymore... My biggest mistake was thinking that this was possible, that by effort and honesty I could convince her to come back to me.

 

Occationally I would be a little over sensitive, but the same could be said for her. I certainly didn't lie to her as she did to me. It seems like two months is a fairly short amount of time to decide to go back on everything you'd been saying but then again perhaps it isn't. My expectations do not match other people's...

 

I think that about sums it up. Irrational expectations, naivete, insensitive, insecurity, guilt trips... That's a good laundry list.

 

I'll tell you this, though. I've had this list worked out for quite some time now. In no way did I move on from this thinking I was perfect. Far from it. It took me a long time to see she wasn't perfect, either. That said, it is the qualities that I admire about her which allowed this situation to ever occur. Can't say I'm any less attracted to this kind of individual! A quandrary that I expect I shall continue to deal with...