redsuede Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 I am playing with fire. I have gotten over my ex.. gotten to the point where I dont think about her at all anymore.. Happy.. and even have met someone new who I am dating. My ex is the kind who has never apologized.. or asked me back.. it had always been me.. I was the typical pathetic person.. The last month or even more maybe.. she had been calling.. Leaving messages on my machine .. sending me emails.. I ignored every single one of them.. I KNOW that is what got me to the point where i was finally OK and happy about my life..and happy she was no longer in it hurting me. Last Saturday I accepted contact.. by phone... It set me back a lot.. and now even though I still dont want her back.. I find myself missing her more lately.. Im sure its because of the contact. She emailed me again today.. I answered her email. I am truly playing with fire.. What the heck am I doing. Why would I be doing this? I suceeded in getting over her... I had 7 years with this woman.. most of it in pain.. hoping for change.. and now I am seeing some change in the aspect of her at least making all of the contact.. I think I am just thrown. has anyone been through this? Words of wisdom and a few kicks in the butt would help me out a lot... Thanks.. Link to comment
russ978 Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 I am playing with fire. I have gotten over my ex.. gotten to the point where I dont think about her at all anymore.. Happy.. and even have met someone new who I am dating. You just finished climbing out of a hole, don't jump back in! You know youll just end up clawin your way out of it again. Focus on the new person you are dating, continue to stay NC with the ex, she isn't worth your time. What's the maximum upside of any relationship with your ex, what's the maximum downside? Think about it a little and the answer is apparent. You said it yourself: "[You're] playing with fire." Don't play with fire! Link to comment
redsuede Posted June 28, 2007 Author Share Posted June 28, 2007 Brings back confusion... why? so, thank you russ... dont really know what is wrong with my thinking right now..seems I am just not thinking Link to comment
Coyote9 Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 You're living my greatest fear....how long has it been since the breakup? I find that I get very functional about 6 months out and often am dating and involved with someone else, and yet there's lots of stuff still under the surface like an iceberg that I haven't really processed, but simply pushed out of my conscious mind, as I know longer feel the searing pain like in the months following the initial breakup, I assume I'm over the person...but there's still a lot of unfinished business there that will certainly come out over time in subsequent relationships. I wonder if that's what's happening here. You feel healed enough to initially have been able to ignore her, and really want no part of the pain you have fortunately not forgotten. I would focus on your life as it is now. A few e-mails or calls do not constitute a heartfelt change on the part of your ex. My experience is, that when I've had ex's come back, it's because they are lonely, bored, guilty or now sense that I've moved on and want to know that they still can cause me to feel. She's obviously doing that. Maybe she has changed, but, as superdave is fond of saying here on a lot of threads, actions speak louder than words. Have you talked about these contacts to your current girlfriend? I'd be concerned also that you might ruin your current relationship with whatever contact or agenda is going on here with your ex. Remember the pain this woman caused you....my guess is that you want no more of it, regardless of her recent overtures. coyote Link to comment
redsuede Posted June 28, 2007 Author Share Posted June 28, 2007 The breakup was in September, but I didnt start NC until the beginning of March. I found someone new at the end of March. I am so glad you responded Coyote because it sounds like you have a ton of knowledge about this, something of which.. I DONT! I have told my new girlfriend about what her attempts of contact because I have this huge discust of lying and sneaking kind of thing.. but she doesnt like the contacts.. and I dont blame her. She herself though just got out of a relationship not long ago.. I do feel the heat of the flame nearby and am very scared because I know I am losing my NC grip. You do sound very smart with this kind of thing.. this is something I have never ever gone through before.. I wasnt expecting this part at all Link to comment
Diggitydave Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 I made this mistake. it's a trap Link to comment
Coyote9 Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 My "smarts" have only to do with the fact that I'm tired of pain and finally learned that the pain of NC is preferable to the pain of reopening the same wounds with my ex by having any contact. I didn't know about NC when she first broke up with me 8 months ago, and we kept getting in touch, reconciling, breaking up, 4 times! In the end it was as if we'd become different people and she was gone. When I stopped chasing, she stopped coming back, and I've heard nothing (thank god) in 75 days now. Given that you are in a new relationship, I think it's a no brainer for you...stay away from your ex and ignore her....as if she was dead. Otherwise you might have two breakups to deal with. Link to comment
redsuede Posted June 28, 2007 Author Share Posted June 28, 2007 ive wondered if it is a trap.. because she is so used to me chasing her. .. holding the relationship together.. and now I have basically left without a trace.. for the first time in a decade, she is the one calling me.. which is weird in itself.. so yes. I have wondered if it is a trap. Coyote.. You are so right.. I will have 2 breakups to deal with ... I am sorry for what you went through of the emotional roller coaster.. and am glad you are on your way to better things too..I guess this is how you know what you are talking about.. Link to comment
Coyote9 Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 Count you lucky stars that you've met someone already...I can't even really date yet as I'm reminded of what I felt with my ex and don't feel for anyone I'm meeting....While you've known this woman a long time, the romantic part will fade as time passes and your new relationship grows. Follow your gut... Link to comment
Me and myself Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 Hi Ask her straigth what does she want from you...or don't ask her anything. That's your power, you have the power to choose. If you're dating someone else, let her know...I'm sure she will stop calling you when she knows that. And if she will do it again, then ask her to stop contacting you. M&M Link to comment
beebee Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 its just pure ego on your ex's part... shes thinking "can she get you back?"... "will you cave?"... ahhhhhhhhh... the power... aint it a high?... nothing like playing with someone's elses life... i also believe in what M&M has to say... ask your ex, if you choose, what the heck is wants... God bless... beebee "I love you, but... you dont rollerblade" Link to comment
bar35 Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 I agree with everything that has been said here. If you are in a relationship that is going well then tell your ex to beat it. You have that right. There is also what you said about being with her for 7 years and wanting her to change. Let me tell you something, 7 years of behavior is indicative of a deeply ingrained behavioral pattern. That pattern is not going to be permanently disrupted in a few months of her being a away from you. Also this can be a trap, not necessarily a conscious one, but one for the both of you. Growth for us happens when we have been separated from the patterns in which we feel comfortable, but that is a scary place to be. She is possibly freaking out right now because A) you are acting differently B) she doesn't want to change and from what you said there is a pattern that is there that you didn't feel comfortable with and let me tell you, there are others who are going to feel the same way, who may give her her walking papers faster than you. If you go back to this person, you can bet dollars to donuts that it will look bright and shiny for about oh 3 weeks to at most 3 months, but it will bend back on itself and you will be in the exact same situation that you were in before you guys split. Guaranteed. (unless she has started taking some medication along with cognitive behavioral therapy, in which case you don't konw what you are going to get) Be good to yourself, snap it off and enjoy your new gf. List all of the negative things about the ex, don't even bother with the positive, you probably have listed those and relisted them in tens of thousands of times. Link to comment
smwhtshy Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 this may be a bit long, but I hope it makes sense. The ex has "trained" you, over the last 7 years, that love equals turmoil, doubt, etc. and you are used to it, so that's why her contact is attractive on some level. Lets say you train a dog to swim thru a shark tank, walk on broken glass, and jump thru a fire hoop to get the good food. Do that for 7 years every day....then, one day, just set the good food in front of the dog..whats he going to do? I'll tell you...he's going to jump in the tank and start swimming thru the sharks towards the broken glass, because THATS WHAT HE KNOWS, HE KNOWS IT GETS HIM THE GOOD FOOD AND HE KNOWS THE GOOD FOOD IS AT THE END...! doesn't matter that its sitting right in front of him...(-; Stop this contact, don't do it anymore..turn around and look at your new GF, just sitting there, possibly offering up some good food without pain to get it. Good luck man... Link to comment
Coyote9 Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 Eloquently said....what is it about our pain that we actually come to depend on? Link to comment
redsuede Posted June 29, 2007 Author Share Posted June 29, 2007 Thank you so much for your advice. This is exactly what I needed to hear and I am not so inclined to have my heart ripped in to shreds twice.. My new GF is awesome and from here on out.. she is all that is going to occupy my brain! Link to comment
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