Can he be her bestfriend and nothing more?

[ap44]

My girlfriend of 1 year has been hanging out with this guy from work. She is the type of girl that has more guy friends than girl friends so at first this didn't seem out of the norm. Now, to give you a back story about her and this guy, she actually ended up breaking up with me, to date him...for 1 week. It was the most immature thing I have ever seen in my life. I hated her for it. She tried so hard for 2 weeks to get in contact with me but I refused. Eventually, I gave in, saying I would meet her for coffee just to catch up (hey I was heartbroken and I just wanted to see how she was doing.)

 

Anyways, we ended up getting back together. She has explained to me many times that trying to date him was a mistake because she only liked having him as a friend and should have never done what she did to me. I am getting really jealous now though. She texts him all day long, it's non-stop. She also likes to hang out with him alone (I mean there are her family around but none of her friends around). She also lets him do little things like drive her to work (that is where it really bothers me cause that is what I always did and I really liked doing it).

 

So when I confronted her about it, she says that he has become her best friend and that she just really needs a good friend in her life (her girl friends are a little busy right now...) which I can understand. Still, it makes me so mad that she does these things or wants to hang out with him for the whole day. She also feels bad when she has to cancel plans with him to do something with me (saying they already have plans made).

 

So if I am being jealous am I wrong here? Last night's arguments went really far and she got to the point where she said that she didn't care that I was upset about this and that she is not going to change how she is acting at all cause she feels that she is doing nothing wrong. I don't trust her right now, not after what she did to me with the same guy. Ahh, I just don't know what to think or do. Thanks for the help.

[Tony426]

Drop her. Simple as that. She seems very insensative and selfish.

[jettison]

Oh my God, you are getting played. Wow. It's amazing how people can twist and manipulate almost anything to serve their best interests. I don't see how this can possibly end well. If it stays as is, it's wrong. If you give her an ultimatum and she buckles then she'll resent you even if you're together. Basically, she's not ready for a real relationship.

 

How old are you? This kind of stuff seems to fly a bit in your early 20s and then quickly becomes an absolute "no way" after that. It wouldn't even be a discussion point because no one over the age of 25 would bother to argue about it.

[Brooke657]

I think they can definatly be just friends. I always had this problem because I'm like a guys girl I get along with guys so much easier then girls and my boyfriend just hated it and in return I hated him for hating it. As for the driving her to work thing I don't see how that's a problems aside from the fact that she once liked him. They work together I mean does that not make sense...The only thing that bothers be about them being friends is that she dumped you for him at one point and then got rejected by him. I'm just thinking that maybe she still has feelings for him and things eventually he will to. He may honestly just want to be friends with her. If she had been friends with him before hand then that's differnt. To me it sounds like she's already made her decision and now you have to make yours. You don't have to trust her but if it really bothers you that much and she's not going to change anything then I think if you want to leave her then you need to.

[free2Bme]

She seems very unreasonable, she has to realise that she is hanging around with the guy she dumped you for, and that would naturally upset you. If she doesn't even care enough to try and see it from your point of view then get out before she hurts you again. She is not showing you the respect you deserve. I am not saying she should not be friends with him at all, but it does need toning down, and your feelings should come ahead of him. I think you are being perfectly reasonable.

[ap44]

I am 17. It's a little young ha ha but still I want something a little more mature. I am immature but not about relationships. It's just frustrating cause I don't want to be getting played and I always say that to her face. Then I get reassured by the "I love you so much and no one else" and she is being sincere about that too. She has never lied to me either (how do I know, well anything she says has always checked out).

 

I mean, I want to talk to her about it more but all she says is that it's that is making her mad. She does realize why it bothers me but she still doesn't want to do anything about it cause "we are just friends and you're not stopping me from having a good friend". The thing is, I never was, I was just asking her to maybe tone it down. Not good enough I guess. I am just not wanting heartbreak, cause I know how badly it feels but if things don't change, then perhaps I will be forced into that.

[free2Bme]

I mean, I want to talk to her about it more but all she says is that it's that is making her mad.

 

Thats unfair of her to say that. She gets mad so you can't talk about it. What about how you feel??? That's not how relationships work.

[jettison]

Oh, you're 17? Nevermind, I take back my original advice. I'm giving you the opposite advice now. Do nothing. Let her hang out with this guy, and don't fret it. Don't press her on it anymore either.

[ap44]

XD oh wow...why should I just let her? Are you saying that since were young that it doesn't matter?

 

No she has been a really difficult person to communicate with to be honest. It's really bad. After, me thinking about what to say for hours on end, and then I finally say it to her all I get is "I don't know what to say". Really lame and pathetic to be honest. I don't know why I am still with her...there is something keeping me here. She wants to hang out with this guy and be all tight with him but wants me to stay as her boyfriend...it's not like she doesn't care about me in general, she is just not wanting to fight with me about it anymore.

[Brooke657]

Why do you even want to be with her? I mean is this relationship even worth it for you?

[ycmanvs]

When I was 17 I had a boyfriend who always got mad because I hung out with my friends all the time. It got to the point that I started lying to him about it. Please let her live her life. She is telling you the truth. If you keep pushing the issue, she will break up with you eventually.

 

You can tell her that you are uncomfortable with the situation but you can't force her to change.

[Tony426]

Oh, you're 17? Nevermind, I take back my original advice. I'm giving you the opposite advice now. Do nothing. Let her hang out with this guy, and don't fret it. Don't press her on it anymore either.

 

What does his age have to do with anything? Obviously this kid is hurting. Who wouldn't be? At his age, his GF should be the person who makes him the most happy. He's too young to be dealing with this type of bs.

 

Drop her. You're 17. Find a girl who puts you #1.

[ycmanvs]

What does his age have to do with anything? Obviously this kid is hurting. Who wouldn't be? At his age, his GF should be the person who makes him the most happy. He's too young to be dealing with this type of bs.

 

Drop her. You're 17. Find a girl who puts you #1.

 

But when you are 17 you are still figuring out who you are and what relationships are all about. If you have someone who is trying to control you, you will act out.

[free2Bme]

It does kinda seem like she's stringing you along. You know, hanging on to you 'just incase'. You're young, you should be in a fun relationship

[Brooke657]

I think at 17 it's probably harder to find a girl who puts you #1.

[metrogirl]

I've never had a problem with a guy and a girl being best friends, however there are red flags all over this. She dumped you to date him and now she has discovered that she only likes him as a friend. There is something really wrong there. You are her boyfriend, why aren't you her best friend? She is allowing him to do things for her that you should be doing, as her boyfriend. I don't like it. I feel like she is really torn between the two of you so she plays the both of you for her selfish purposes. You have every right to feel the way you do.

 

If you were truly important to her, she should have no problem not seeing him or at least limiting her contact with him. IMO, she cares more about him and what he wants.

[Tony426]

But when you are 17 you are still figuring out who you are and what relationships are all about. If you have someone who is trying to control you, you will act out.

 

 

17, 20, 25, 30, 45, 50 ... no difference in this situation. You have a selfish, insensative girl who dumped this kid for another guy and still talks to him non-stop and hangs out with him all alone and has the nerve to get upset at this kid for being upset.

[Tony426]

OP, have you ever spoken to this other guy?

[ap44]

I am wanting this relationship. It's fine when this isn't a main issue. Have I spoken to the guy? Yeah, I used to work where they work (local fast food place) but I left to a much higher paying job. Him and I actually used to be decent friends when I worked there. I don't talk to him anymore nor do I want to have any kind of friendship with him at all. The thing about him, is, he is TWO years younger than me (well he just turned 16). But since he is "such a good person to talk to" she still left me for that. Like I said, this whole situation back then pissed me off. After I realized what happened, I avoid every contact with her, like I said. I don't regret letting her back, I just think that everything needs to become toned down and she needs to understand how I feel about this (which she says she does).

 

And yeah, she looks really bad. I got a lot of hate when I took her back but I guess it's cause thats what I needed to be happen then. She has offered to cut off communication with him but I don't want that cause thats over reacting. There is nothing wrong with being friends. She talks to me just as much as she talks to him not to mention, if it was a girl and not a guy, it wouldn't be a problem. BTW, I have no problem with my girl going out with friends. She can live her life as she sees fit. Controlling is not cool at all with me. I just had a problem with her constantly wanting to be in this guy's life. She hasn't been leaving me out though. This situation is a tough one to deal with for me and is stressing the whole relationship out. Perhaps trust needs to be involved and not just assuming that she is screwing with me. I know what she did in her past was wrong and it hurt a lot but if I can't move on from there, I am not that great of a person either (not saying that she is either!) but I took her back none the less. When she broke up with me, it was stupid and immature but she knows that. I think I will need to give this some more time before being totally fine with it. I have heard he is looking for a new job...maybe that will help get rid of him ha ha but seriously, I just hope she realizes now that she needs to be a little more careful and draw the line when she is out with him. I know lot's of girls that go out with guys, alone even, and their boyfriends just trust them enough to deal with it. High school just ended for me so there is a lot of others things to focus on right now too. I can't see her playing me ever, like if she wanted to play me, she would have a long time ago. I have made the decision to just let this one go and hope for the best.

 

I went out and talked with her just a few minutes ago about the things I was told on here. She apologized for some of the things she said like how she didn't care about what I felt and stuff. I agreed to work on my jealousy over this situation and she promised me they are just friends and nothing else nor does she ever want anything more than that with him (in the most sincere and honest tone too). I am still going to have to build my trust back but I guess in time I will see but for now I am just going to stop bringing this situation up with her. Thanks for the help guys, made my life a whole lot easier!

[beauty21]

I am a woman and I have all male friends, none that are female. (That is no lie). I met my boyfriend thru one of our mutual friends. I knew the friend before I knew my boyfriend and we always hung out everyday. When me and my boyfriend became an item, he would say that he didn't mind me hanging with the friend, but inside he really did, I guess he was trying to be understanding. Then a couple months later into the relationship he expressed concerns about me hanging with the friend when he wasn't around. At first I got mad because I knew the friend months before I even knew my boyfriend and it wasn't like I became friends with him after me and my boyfriend got together.

 

So my boyfriend told me that he didn't want me hanging with the friend anymore when he wasn't around. At first, I was upset with him cause I felt he didn't trust me when he knows I wouldn't step out of line or the friend but then I started to think about what if he were to hang with old friends that were female when I wasn't around. Even if there were friends before me I still wouldn't want them hanging out one on one and I certainly would be pissed if he was pissed with me for wanting to hang out when he had plans with her.

 

You feel me A something's gotta give here. She dumped you for this guy then has nerve to get mad at you cause your mad at her for still wanting to hang and gete rides from him. She is definetly playing you and she knows that she can cause you let her. Broken hearts are gonna happen in your life that's a given so take this as lesson number one:

[ap44]

^except what happens if it is just a friendship? Right now, we are just speculating the absolute worse. She got mad cause we were both really really pissing each other off and it was like at 2am. I was mad too and saying things I didn't mean. Like I don't think she meant it and she apologized today for saying it and being like that.

 

But anyways, I am just going to try and handle this one and see what happens. I have nothing to lose anyways as you guys said, I am young and there is plenty more out there. So, thanks for the advice, it helped me out a lot. I won't forget any of this. I am still keeping an eye for anything else but for now I will just deal with it myself without going overboard. I might be being stupid or whatever but heartache is not what I want to have right now. I just graduated. It's a time to be really happy and summer is starting. So I will stop bringing it up and be happy just how I want to be. Thanks to everyone who came in and added their opinions! Much appreciated!

[Tony426]

You're a bigger man than me ap44. Friend or no friend, I cannot tolerate my own GF getting rides and texting some other guy all day. Guess another reason why I'm single lol. : /

[Danielle84]

You know I did this to my highschool bf!! I am so sorry for it too!! Let me tell you. She is not meaning to hurt you. She is young and it's important to her to know that she can have friends. You will get hurt in the long run...trust me. The more I spoke with my highschool boy bf the more I fell for him. You are going to just have to let her be friends with him. You guys are too young to have that right taken away from you. The week she spent with him (when you two broke up) she may have realized that they are no good together and just better off friends...I am so sorry you are going through this...and I am so sorry that I put someone else through the exact same thing.

[dw_rc...Confused]

Drop her. Simple as that. She seems very insensative and selfish.

Seconded...get rid of her

 

So when I confronted her about it, she says that he has become her best friend and that she just really needs a good friend in her life (her girl friends are a little busy right now...) which I can understand.

 

It sounds to me that she 'needs' a good friend in her life more than she wants you

[Altruist]

I am sorry but it seems like she has you wrapped around her little finger. When you took her back after the breakup she realized that she could control you. Dump her.