devast Posted June 20, 2007 Share Posted June 20, 2007 I am back again.... I don't know why...but it just occurred and I am feeling down and low....this is by far and in my experience my first time to feel this way after 5 months from break up...I hope through this I could get it off my chest, even for a while... I wish... to her... I wish I could cry so much until I fall asleep and in the morning feel a little better... but I can't I only have tears and I am missing you... I wish I can forget about you.... so I won't regret the wasted lovely times that we shared... but I always remember us, and I am missing you... I wish I could just say your not worth the love... so I can just focus on what's infront of me and just move on...but I still love you no matter how unworthy I should consider you... I wish I can just take off my heart... so I won't feel this heavy load inside that sometimes I have to grasp my breath... The more that I don't want to make contact with you... the more that I want to... The more that I want to stay away from you... the closer I get sucked into the thoughts of you... The more that I want to forget about you... the more that I miss you... The more that I want to hate you.... the more that I love you... I wish God just lay me down to rest... so I won't wake everyday feeling the same feelings after all this time... Link to comment
astrobaby Posted June 20, 2007 Share Posted June 20, 2007 You're not alone my friend. I know exactly how you feel, you summed it up perfectly in a very eloquent way. Awful, isn't it? Hang in there. Link to comment
lizziebee Posted June 20, 2007 Share Posted June 20, 2007 I too feel exactly what you wrote so beautifully and thoughtfully above...There is no way to 'take off your heart', but my God I wish there was! Devast, we will all get through this together. My feelings for my ex flow through me everyday. Take care of you. And stick around.... Link to comment
Dominic_M Posted June 20, 2007 Share Posted June 20, 2007 Having a bad day today, really in the dumps. Glad to know someone else out there feels the same way even if she doesnt. Thanks for your words, they sum up exactly how i feel today. Link to comment
hating myself Posted June 20, 2007 Share Posted June 20, 2007 You have said everything that I have wanted to say to my ex b/f. If I could write him a letter that is exactly what I would say. Take care of yourself and keep writing on this site. We are all here for you!! Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted June 20, 2007 Share Posted June 20, 2007 Beautifully put. I share your feelings...it is so hard to let go, to want to feel otherwise. Wanting or wanting not to want doesn't amount to anything. The love has a life of its own. Thanks for your sharing and putting words to the almost unwordable. We've got to hang in there together and have faith that this, too, shall pass, as it is said. Link to comment
devast Posted June 21, 2007 Author Share Posted June 21, 2007 If there's a drug to solve this, I would be very glad to get "high" and overdose everyday... If it isn't a sin to kill one's self or purposely harm himself.... I could have done it long ago... Isn't it sad that I am just 29, physically fit and still healthy? I still have to spend so much time with this heavy load inside until I don't know when...maybe until I age, unfit and ill... I don't have cardiovascular problem... but I feel like I am going to have a heart attack... it feels tight each time... it gets harder to breath as well... this is just not a good way to die.... Link to comment
birdinflight Posted June 21, 2007 Share Posted June 21, 2007 If it is not a good way to die then don't... I wonder if you have been able to find a way to observe the emotions you are expoeriencing and see what is holding you back from getting the wishes granted...I hope there are loved ones around you who are listening to you and allowing you to vent the emotions...so that you can see the fear that is driving them. I am thinking of you and your pain.... Link to comment
devast Posted June 21, 2007 Author Share Posted June 21, 2007 If it is not a good way to die then don't... I wonder if you have been able to find a way to observe the emotions you are expoeriencing and see what is holding you back from getting the wishes granted...I hope there are loved ones around you who are listening to you and allowing you to vent the emotions...so that you can see the fear that is driving them. I am thinking of you and your pain.... Unfurtunately for me I work in a different country, I don't have anyone who I can vent with and maybe inspire or understand me of what I am going through And thank you... I know what you mean... and that is the biggest problem anyone who feels the same way as me..... "I didn't choose to feel this way and maybe, should I die in this way"... Neither that I am not aware of what all this burden is causing me... In fact I am and that's why this is written here right now... I wish I have an option... I wish I have a choice not to.... There isn't any fear infront of me who/which stops me from getting all my wishes.... all my wishes are just not available as an option or choice that I can simply choose... it happens as it happens... if there is an option or a choice... I wish I had chose those long before I am in this heavy burden inside... I know exactly what you mean... be positive... there's more to this life... look forward...and move on...I tried... I worked out kept myself busy..etc..etc until now, like venting it here in ENA.. but...... I wish all that are just as easy as saying it... I wish it really is.. I wish you can choose what to and not to feel... Link to comment
birdinflight Posted June 21, 2007 Share Posted June 21, 2007 Do you have to stay in the different country?...your current world is so bleak. I did mean to imply that this easy..and that choices are easy, and that there is mroe to life etc....that is not true as you rightly say..but of course you are currently making choices at the moment...to be on this site, to be alive, to talk... Re choices not available....sounds like bashing your head against a brick wall? No wonder you are so low....please take care and keep talking...I am sorry no one is there for you...but people on this site are...as best they can be Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted June 21, 2007 Share Posted June 21, 2007 Sometimes, devast, I find that I am carrying around the memories of the one I loved as though I were still living them out, and suddenly realize -- hey, wait. I am carrying around a figment of my imagination that has nothing to do with what life is ACTUALLY about RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. When you break it down, the truth is that the past is really a ghost. The moments, the feelings, the sensations and experiences that you had with your ex will always be a part of your history, but the present is constantly remaking Life. Sometimes when the heavy weight feels too much, I do something, I just sit quietly with my eyes closed and try to feel where in my body the weight is. Often it is like a heaviness in my chest, and I try to locate that and just FEEL it, without all the fantasy and story behind it. I know that kind of sounds off the wall, but sometimes that brings me back to the present moment, where life is happening. Where life is always changing and must. The story of what it once was and who you knew is no longer where real life is happening, it is just where your mind is -- kind of like living in the cemetery, putting up a tent there, leaning at the headstone and reading and reading the same lines again that are inscribed there. You cannot FORCE yourself to change course, no that will not work. Though keep up the working out, distractions, etc.! It is better to do those than not! But perhaps it would help to stop and find that quiet moment to as I said be in the NOW by feeling your breath, your heartbeat and the location in your body of the emotional pain, just take your attention and wander around with it in your body as it is still, and amazingly, this contacts you with the part that is ALIVE, and present; not that which has already passed in time and is thereforeeee no longer a living entity. Remember that you are every minute changing and that this feeling will morph along as well, just give it a kind witness viewpoint instead of being identified with it. I mean, the funny thing is that we start to feel that we ARE this pain, when in fact it is just like a phenomenon passing through, like the wind through an open door. Just let the door open, don't force it shut; let the wind blow through and out the other side, watching it go each day until you will find that it isn't such a gale anymore, it is dying down. Speaking of doors, someone very inspiring once said to me, "Everytime a door closes, another one opens." So I hold that wonderful image in my mind of a two-way door, that has closed in one direction but opened in another. You never know what it is opening to, and sometimes, just sometimes, I actually feel a little excitement at the idea! Capture those twinklings of moments! You are going to be okay, my friend! I do all these things for myself and they keep me sane. I don't need to be happy just yet, just stay aware and conscious (no, no no -- no drugs to numb it out, that would be too easy and deprive you of the triumph of all the hardship endured with guts when you get out of it!) and sane. Link to comment
thelonelydoll Posted June 21, 2007 Share Posted June 21, 2007 devast, when I was 29 I was told I had a very rare brain tumor. I dealt with it, moved on, it came back, I dealt with it again, I moved on. I'm still here. In fact this experience was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I would never wish to go back or wish to un-do it. It was a gift. Having said that, if you're 29 and healthy, take a minute to count your blessings. Link to comment
miew Posted June 21, 2007 Share Posted June 21, 2007 Devast, I also stay out of my country alone... have few (very few friends here to talk to) My ex used to be my entire life and big part of my future dreams...but I lost it ... been almost 3 months now but I still feel empty from time to time... I deeply understand those words you wrote, but we all have a long way to go in front of us... it's been a while I woke up every morning crying with so much regrets, but I believe, one day, the tears will run dry and the smile will come back to my face. All we need now is just a little more patience... Take care Link to comment
mushmouth Posted June 21, 2007 Share Posted June 21, 2007 Devast All I can say is keep loving yourself. Keep treating yourself to things that you normally wouldn't treat yourself to everyday, whether you want to or not. Keep focusing all the love you have for someone else and shower it on yourself. Link to comment
thelonelydoll Posted June 21, 2007 Share Posted June 21, 2007 Thanks, but no need to be sorry. I was very lucky, and I'm fine now. I'm so fine that it's easy to forget what it was like - but then, when we go through the troubles that bring us here, though it might take me a while, eventually I remember that if I can get through that, I can get through heartbreak. In a crisis like that, you really learn who your true friends are. You also learn who YOU are. Our best selves are forged in the most difficult times. Even heartbreak, with all its agony, is a journey that should be embraced and can only make us better people. Link to comment
Coyote9 Posted June 21, 2007 Share Posted June 21, 2007 In a crisis like that, you really learn who your true friends are. You also learn who YOU are. Our best selves are forged in the most difficult times. Even heartbreak, with all its agony, is a journey that should be embraced and can only make us better people. This is an amazing quote lonelydoll....and I have such respect for your and for what you have been through. I think it's easy, in the midst of our dramas and traumas here, to lose the perspective that relationships are only one small part of our lives, and that, even though many of us have experienced recent rejection, abandonment and heart ache, our lives are filled with so much else and so many others who love and care about us...if we can only lift our eyes up off the floor and to the horizon. thanks for helping us put these troubles of ours, painful as they may be from time to time, in a larger perspective! coyote Link to comment
devast Posted June 22, 2007 Author Share Posted June 22, 2007 I feel greatful that even though we (ENA'ers) don't see each other... we seem to care about each other much like a family or a friend... I appreciate the struggle and survival that you went through lonelydoll... its encouraging and inspiring.... I just thought I would really do the same struggle should I know death is infront of me and is about to take me.... What I have or some of us have is agony and suffering, where death is still far... what I have is a dying heart.... and not dying man... or the physical aspect of me... But anyway... still your courage and your survival is inspiring... I know peace will come to me... I just don't know when and its just hard to struggle through this day by day.... and when it siezes sometimes... it will come back again in another time... miew yes tears have gone dry for me... and I can't cry hard enough (just like the song).... what's left are just pain... I wish I could just cry all this pain and the longing out so hard and loud.... I am sure it will give me relief... but the tears aren't falling anymore... I just can feel the pain and live by it each day.... I know one day it will all fade... one day I would just realize I am "honestly" smiling, laughing and happy... it is just sad that when I wake, it still feels the same... after all this time... Link to comment
thelonelydoll Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 Another thing I've learned, that hasn't come through here, is that I know that all people have their problems, and I don't think brain cancer is any worse than a broken heart - in fact, in my case, I've actually found the agony and suffering of a broken heart to be worse, or at least more difficult to get over in many ways - because we have to look within ourselves for answers, and it takes place on an emotional level. For me, dealing with cancer was for the most part, a medical and scientific issue, at least during the immediate crisis and surgery, etc., and only afterwards did I really think about what had happened to me. The fact is, I know I just got lucky. And honestly, I think a dying heart is just as difficult, just as important. What I'm trying to say is: for everyone here who is hurting and in pain, THIS is the moment where you will discover yourself, THIS is the turning point of your life, THIS, the very pain that has brought you here, could be the best thing that ever happened to you. devast, when you "honestly" laugh again, you will appreciate the gift laughter is so much more. When you are happy again, you will be happier than you ever have been in your life. I appreciate your struggle and survival, too - my pain is no greater than anyone else's. My original point was only that if you have good health, that is something to be grateful for. And then I remembered that even the experience of having a health crisis was also something to be grateful for. Even a broken heart is something to be grateful for. Because your heat has the capacity for such great pain, that means you are also capable of knowing great joy - and you will. You know that already. Link to comment
mr me Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 i guess this was good and just like u i dont really have anyone that i could really trust with my problems. I have talked about them alot already but it just seems like this is slow torture to find peace of mind. I guess to me it was hard because i found mrs right now and not mrs right or my girl. i dont really like to call it that because i feel like i brainwashed myself to think she was the one but i am kinda tryin to see things over time. Its not a pleasant thing to go thru and who knows how long it will take. I guess for me i had alot of problems from my relationship and for it not to work out it made things alot worse because everything i went thru didnt work out. I guess it worked out in its own way but its still a big adjustment. I am only 22 and in reality i almost let this kill me because it did drive me crazy. I dont know what to say but hang in there and try to be strong. Link to comment
devast Posted June 22, 2007 Author Share Posted June 22, 2007 And then I remembered that even the experience of having a health crisis was also something to be grateful for. Even a broken heart is something to be grateful for. Because your heart has the capacity for such great pain, that means you are also capable of knowing great joy - and you will. You know that already. So inspiring.... thanks mate... its going to be my quote... Mr Me, I won't let myself die and neither I would allow myself to go crazy... with all of you... I believe none of it is going to happen.. And I guess this is why ENA was created.... to serve as a tie that binds a group of sticks which are, in its individual self, weak... to make them strong when binded altogether... Link to comment
thelonelydoll Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 I'm really glad I could help - I didn't intend to hijack your thread by dropping the "brain tumour bomb" but then I started to remember things I hoped you would find soothing. xxx doll Link to comment
devast Posted June 26, 2007 Author Share Posted June 26, 2007 Here it goes again.... ARRRGHHH.... Oh I am not getting used to this... I hate this feeling....Why about her?What does she have that I can't find from another?What did she do to me to make me just crap at moving on? I have been browsing the web since morning, looking for what kind of business I will be putting up when I go back home to my country... formulating business ideas and plans.... And I was feeling great of how my plans are looking and I am pretty confident about a good probability to succeed. But as I was surfing the web for answers and research until this afternoon, I found some possible flaws. Although they are just possible flaws, the business success probability is still not bad for me, and this possible flaws can be overcomed with courage and will to go ahead. But I felt negative about the plan a little bit. My confidence went down a little bit just like yesterday when someone (not my ex) called me which made me felt negative. I just hate it because whenever I feel this way... all the drama and the longing to my ex all comes back and I am sucked into sadness agai... Seems like the original cause for my sadness today is gone but I am left with the thoughts of my ex instead... Seems like all the rest around me are just external factors to my happiness or sadness... and my emotion are mainly concentrated to my ex... What's inside me is just about my ex....seems like she's the only one who can really make me happy... she's the only one who can give me back my confidence... And isn't that sad to just keep yourself busy and occupied every second... you will try to laugh and smile about things... but deep down inside.... deep down inside.... you feel it that someone is the source of all your hapiness and sadness... Link to comment
devast Posted June 28, 2007 Author Share Posted June 28, 2007 I did a very "stupid" thing.... I was missing my ex earlier and I was feeling down.... Again?!!! yes again and again... I made a stupid idea of browsing friendster if she had signed in already... if she have an account.... HOW LUCKY I WAS!!!! she already have a profile.. but its in private (boo huh)..Her profile says "in a relationship" her photo was alone and she's smiling... she have quote there that says "there's always a reason to smile c") and this c") was a symbol she used on her hand phone as the caller ID to my number... Conlusion? I am so lucky to find her profile, that I am back in to missing her more, and so craving to contact her and so thinking positive that she is missing me too looking at that quote... And I am back to square one... I almost cried, I controlled it coz I am in the office.... I am so lucky to achieve torturing myself some more.... AAARRRGHH Link to comment
S agapo Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 I have been missing my ex so much too, especially these fews days which have hit me hard and I am feeling so low. I am trying to get on with my life here, but I am constantly thinking about him. (dunno if he is thinking about me) I am still upset with everything thats happened, asking myself why did he ask for his space. I haven't spoken to him for 2 months now. I have just sent him a HI, How are you? text. I dunno if that was a good idea. (no reply as yet) But I felt I had to. I am still hoping for a miracle, but part of me is asking why would i want him back after the way he avoided me the way he did. That broke my heart. But i miss him, and i can't help that. These are feelings, and i kinda wish i can let go of them. my story Link to comment
Pkittie Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 devast that was such a well written verse...esp friday's this sensation hits harder than ever that I'm alone & I miss my past...We actually miss the love, the closeness that we shared...not necessarily the person...so take it one day at a time...By now I'm sure you can already see how many of us are going thro the same turmoil....There is no remedy except to keep the faith....I ahve beemn struggling with this for years now & have come to the humble conclusion that NC is the only way out... I once heard a quote " Don't tell God how big your problems are, go tell your problems how big your God is.." Pray to him and divine shall take care of us. Suck up the pain, one day it has to pass...nd keep posting & talking to us...Listen to some beautiful music, watch a wonderful movie, go see a friend or worse read a book you always wanted to...I am myself thinking chores are never ending...what can I do to cheer myself up.... Link to comment
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