How do I trust another one?

[Belle]

It's been about a year since I have seriously dated someone and I'm finally letting the sour grapes go and I'm back to my old self. I've been asked out a lot lately and even though none of them are what I'm looking for, it feels really good that someone finds me attractive.

 

I have been pretty darn happy lately. I've resigned myself to the fact that at 36 it's very possible I won't find a guy that I want to settle with. My friends tell me I'm beaming, because I am happy regardless. And then, a new guy shows up in my life. I wasn't looking, I wasn't expecting. He actually had heard about me from a friend and came looking for me. The attention that he gives me is flattering, especially when he's a very good looking guy that could be less than humble but he's not. But to be honest, for all of my healing, I am still very scared to enter into this. He has made his intentions pretty clear and I'm gunshy. I flirt with him but I hold myself very distant from him.

 

From what I gather, even he has had his share of problems with women. Despite being a catch as a former model and a seemingly sweet guy, he has been cheated on and dumped and lied to himself. Or at least that's what he's said. I don't take anyone at face value in this situation anymore.

 

I've been burned by 2 different guys since I joined this forum. I don't want to hear any more lies or experience a sociopath. I don't want to trust my gut like last time and turn out that the one time it was wrong was when I trusted the person. I know this is the part that's supposed to be fun and you roll with it. But I've been hurt so many times before, bounced back and it happens again. With different types. Do I want to really test out how resilient I am?

[Scatt-Man]

I know I'm in no situation to tell you what to do, as I've only just lost my first relationship...but if not this guy, then who?

 

You need to take chances in life. If they turn out bad, you grow from it. If they turn out good, YOU'RE ALL SET!

 

This guy seems very interested in you. That's all a guy can do, really.

What else do you need?

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

everyone is different..........taking someone in means taking a risk.......you dont know the outcome until it happens....if you have agood feel take him......and let the love begin

[Dako]

This guy's been burned, but he's trying.

You can become cynical, or cautiously seek a friendship with a man.

There's risk involved for everyone who dates someone, but life goes on.

[rokston]

it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all if you like the guy just go for it - no guarantees but you should try.

[Clabs]

Hey Belle!

 

You are bound to feel this way - you have had a couple of bad experiences in a row so I think your apprehension is only natural.

 

How do you know that you won't get burned again? Well of course you don't know and nobody else does either - none of us know. Entering into a relationship is always going to involve risk that it won't work out for whatever reason.

 

What can you do? Well - you could never enter into another relationship - that is the a certain way you'd never get burned. Or you could just keep your guard up all the time - and your distance would just push any potential suiters away. Of course, neither of these are the right answer.

 

I think you are sensible to not go rushing headfirst into a relationship, blinkered by love. Just take it easy - go at your own pace and then you can slowly let your guard down. Hopefully, your experiences from your past relationships plus your time on here have taught you to be more aware of any red flags that may present themselves. You just have to find that balance between being over-cautious and over-analytical and just keeping your eyes open.

 

There are still good guys out there - lots of good guys and you will meet one one day.

 

Take care.

 

Mark

[servedcold]

What's wrong with going slow? not rushing into love or bed? When I look back at hurtful relationships in my past, I realize that had I gone a little slower, there would never have been pain.

 

We don't do that because we all want the hot passionate in love caution to the wind feeling, and this doesn't work well with going slow.

 

The right person with the right intentions will wait for your pace in your time. Others with ulterior motives, the emotionally unbalanced, the selfish, will insist on "full speed ahead!" You can screen LOTS of scrubs out with restraint and self-control.

 

Best wishes with your new guy.

[Belle]

Thank you all for your responses. I hear pretty much the same message in different melodies on here. Message received. I guess I know these things but I'm scared. There's no investment right now, so I know I can turn around and exit without a scratch. It's later that I'm worried about.

 

I usually do go slow, but now I am really skittish so I think I'm going to have to take a lot more time to get to know someone before I"m comfortable getting serious. He does seem to be a little eager to move forward (not necessarily sexually but that's usually what the goal is) and I guess I'm going to have to be clear about what pace I'm willing to take it. I just want to get to know him well enough to figure out if I want to be in a relationship instead of jumping in and finding out later, after I'm attached, that we're incompatible. Or worse, that he's not what he represented in the first place.

 

Thanks for all of the good wishes and positive feedback. I guess I need a little hand holding at this stage.

[lovehurtz]

Dnt penalize him for your two psycho ex's....its not his fault they did what they did. Be fair to him, and tell him what you want as soon as possible because u cant just keep him around...be fair to yourself as well...if ur not ready, then give it sometime. Ask urself...even if u were in a relationship, would u be able to not let your suspcions and other occurrences that happened in the past get to you?