Silent Lucidity

we were apart for 2and a half months. Felt like a year. Yes, she dated some short, fat loser who worked a lame job and hung out all night with his friends and drank right after the break up. Days after. Hang in there and don't contact her. If it was meant to be she will come back to you and it will be on your terms.

I think a lot more couples get back together than is percieved. You might want to read my story, just do a search under my nick. I am back with my ex after being apart for 2 and a half months. The no contact rule worked very well. I think each situation is different, but the general rules apply to most cases and should be followed to a tee. I am more than willing to help anyone who needs advice or has a question. I can't tell you how grateful I am to this site and the no contact rule for helping me get through the toughest phase in my life.

Determined, just like to let you know that me and my ex are back together. It does happen and the no contact rule works if applied properly. Each situation is different and I think in some cases there should be some tinkering with the no contact rule. The most important thing is that the no contact rule will teach you to move on and not lose self-esteem and confidence. I think we all seek someone who is confident and secure in who they are. So at the worst you move on and keep your chin up high. Or you might get the ex back and make her feel as though she really blew it. this is how my ex feels. She is constantly apologizing for breaking up with me and constantly tells me how big of a mistake she made and how sorry she is. This is in large part due to the no contact rule. I am not completely over the hurt and it still bothers the hell out of me that she dated a guy who can't compare to me so soon after our breakup, but the past is the past and mistakes are made. We all make them, but not all learn from them. Those that do succeed in life. Stay confident and never lose you pride. Exes do come back. But let it be on your terms....

Just writing to update everyone as to my situation. I have good news.Me and my ex-g/f are back together. We got back together on Valentine's day. I followed the rules of no contact to a tee and it worked well. But, I have to say that in the end she came back to me because she realized she loved me and that I was the one. No amount of games or schemes would have changed that much. The Key was that the no contact rule showed her that I am worth fighting for, that I have pride and that I can survive without her. This is crucial. I resumed my life and moved on confidently. I resumed meeting people and got my life on track . Nobody wants a doormat or somebody who is desperate and extremely needy. They want someone confident, secure and proud of who they are without any arrogance. The no contact rule made her realize this sooner. I think if I had called her sometimes and remained heavily in the picture she would still have come back to me, but it would have been at least 6 months or years later. Perhaps too late. The no contact rule help me get through the toughest time of my life-pure hell. Even if I hadn't gotten back with the ex, I would have still been a much better person having applied those rules. Thanks to all.

One more thing. The no contact rule has given me peace of mind and I am almost completely healed. If I kept contact with the ex I would never have reached this point so fast and smooth.

determined, stick it out. If you feel like calling or making contact just remember these words " I will not contact her.This will help me move on and make her come back to me". Just keep repeating those words. No contact rule is working marvelous in my case. Almost 2 weeks and she has tried to contact me twice-once I didn't pick up and the next time we spoke for 10 minutes and she made some silly excuse that she wanted to share an exam result with me. she went on and on about how she cares about me and wants me to be happy. She has been telling friends that she misses me a lot and that she still loves me .She also mentioned that it was probably a mistake to break up with me. 3 weeks ago that would have been the last thing I expected to hear. Just goes to show that the people here know what they are talking about.

You are far too young and have far too much to live for to be even making any type of categorical statements about your life. Being young is tough.Life has many phases. Gradually you will get beyond this phase and continue to grow as an individual and a person. I am positive that 6 months-year from now you will look back and say, what was I saying ? I have so much to live for and life can be great. Remain positive. In regards to the girl, get to know herl gradually and remain open to being friends first and slowly knowing one another better. Keep your chin up. Martial arts are great for self-confidence. I studied for 5 years akido and kick boxing. Met a lot of great people and my confidence went sky high. Don't bottle anything up. If you need to discuss anything at all- use the forum and I am not adverse to helping any way I can. Keep your chin up. Better days are ahead.

don't initiate any contact. Just make it seem as though you moved on or are moving on. If she calls keep the conversation short and sweet. Don't ask about her personal life or repeat the usual lines" why would you go out with this loser"" why are you with him if you love me" etc. If you do that, she will smell that at any time when she is done "experimenting " you will be waiting for her. Let her think your life is just fine and dandy without her. Keep the conversation general and short. But I repeat don't text and don't call. Keep yourself busy with other things. Life has to go on. I had to convince myself of this. I am doing the no contact thing solidly for about a week. My ex literally flipped out on a mutual friend( her friend) this weekend when he told her how many women are chasing me and how happy and great everybody says I look. She only ever gets that angry when she cares and when something is eating at her. You can imagine the smile on my face

I think you need to go hard on the no contact rule. Don't call or text message at all. if she calls, great...make it seem as though things with you are good and you are not missing a beat. Then be the first to say, ok gotta go. Just don't contact her. This is delaying your progress of getting over her and it isn't helping getting her back at all. She needs to think that you have options and that you aren't sitting by the phone waiting for her. The complete effect of new guy=loser and bonehead, old boyfriend=true love and the right guy is going to be a long process. In the meantime you need to worry about yourself.

Determined- Truth is you are a lot more together than I am presently. I can't sleep, work or eat. I have never felt worse in my entire life. The strange part is that I am very self-confident, yet this has done little to help me in this situation. I work part time as a model, i just recently got discovered and I am meeting all kinds of fantastic people, but even they can sense that something isn't right. tomorrow is 6 weeks and the last few days were the worst of all. is it possible that she loved me for 2 years and after a month fell in love with another guy ? a short fat one ? What is it that I don't see ??? +++I dont know mate, that the scary thing, the girl I met had standards and ambition and now she's settling for the scum of the earth, what's that all about? ++++I hear you. Mine was an innocent wide eyed girl. I taught her to love herself and appreciate who she was....now she has completely gone haywire. Sometimes I think our granparents had it right. They married young, often not knowing each other that great-grew to love one another and lived together forever. Todays society is all about experimenting, b.s finding yourself, sex and trying to determine what the hell you want. I knew what I wanted when I was 17-18....what gives ? Have to say that my ex comes from a dysfunctional family. she never knew her real father and her mother is on her third miserable marriage. You mentioned that pattern with your ex's mother. I am afraid a lot of these things are in the genes or learned at home. I will try to be forgiving, but the truth is a part of me wants to go back to my playboy days. As much as that goes against what I have written thus far. I just remember not giving a damn.....I just might go that route again. I hope you are right and I do have that piece of her heart. I really want to believe that. I do . I just am not sure. I was her first love and she adored me. She often said she would give up her life for me.. I think that is one of the hardest parts. Remembering that and moving on. I am going full speed on the no contact thing. I am going to pretend everything is just grand and I am doing amazing. I will try to stay strong. The next few days are going to be the worst of my life thus far. Thanks for the encouragement. If you have MSN i would love to keep in touch.

Well I had a alot of good days till I found out she was dating someone so fast and that they have already slept together. I don't want to spill all my personal beans but when I met her 2 years ago she was an innocent girl, who had barely ever kissed a guy. I sort of saved her from a loser, who preyed on her innocence. I babied her and for the first time in my life I never rushed a thing. In fact I am proud as a guy that I made her wait even when she told me that she was ready. previously I wouldn't have waited 2 weeks. I truly cherished and nurtured her and we had a great relationship. You are handling this fine. I can tell from your posts.I need to take a pgae from your whole attitude. The fact the guys our exes are dating are losers is somewhat gratifying, but all the same I have to wonder sometimes why ? my ex's friends were shocked to find out we broke up. They couldn't say a thing except that we had a great relationship and that i was one in a million. Felt good but made me just further wonder why....I guess I should stop analyzing and follow the advice that I give out. I just don't know. I just feel devastated and so hurt..... I don't want to judge and I feel it is up to the man upstairs to determine what is right and wrong. I wish her the best and want her to be happy, but the truth is I just don't think she will find anyone half as good as me ever. They always come back-but it is always too late. I just can't see myself forgiving her for all of this.

determined- I hear you big time. My ex is dating a short, fat guy. The complete opposite of me and yeah He preyed on her vulnerability to the point of telling her that he loves her already.Give me a break. of course It takes 2 to tango and perhaps the fact our exes left us for total losers just means they weren't the ones for us. I am really hurt though. I already overcame several health problems in my life, so I know I am strong. But I know 2 guys( bothe mid 20's) who never recovered from their broken hearts. I have an uncle who never married because his true love left him and he never could get over it. I just don't want to end up like that. For the life of me.... How are you handling things ? I am so happy this site exists. At least I don't feel I am alone in this.

Determined- I just found out yesterday that my ex is seeing another guy already- a total loser. So I hear you big time. I don't know when I will get over the sting of that. I am completely devastated and heart broken.

People, I got the worst news yesterday. Apparently my ex is seeing another guy already They apparently recently slept together...I can't believe it A week ago we looked to be reconcilling and she told me she loved me and then I hear this. How can she go out with somebody so soon after we broke up ? THEN SLEEP WITH HIM !! I am totally heart broken. I haven't slept a wink in a day and a half and I refuse to even look at food. The worst part is the guy is a short, fat loser. They were friends ( he was the third party in the original post)and she used to joke about him. I trusted her. I just can't understand it. I mean I work part time as a model and am a pretty successful young entrepeneur who completed university before my 21-st birthday. I was such a good boyfriend and we seemed so in love. Her friends used to say I was one in a million. I feel like the biggest heap of cow....This is the worst news am completely devasted and in need of support.............

Do you think ex's think of those they've dumped? Obviously in a minor relationship it may not be such a big deal, I was living with my ex for 2 years. She is now with some absolute loser?????Can ex's come out of these relationships and resume with their original partner++++Ex's think about those they dumped. You ex thinks about you a lot. Not to worry. The love doesn't go away over night. If she really loved you. a lot of those feelings will last a lifetime. +++She is now with some absolute loser?????Can ex's come out of these relationships and resume with their original partner+++ They can and they do.

Determined-You sound like a good guy. I understand your situation and what you want-you want her to see the roses and get back together with you after going out with this other guy. Unfortunately in this neat equation you are being left out and your life is on hold. That just isn't fair to you. You have to realize that the focus needs to be you and your needs. I feel for you and I think you need to cut contact completely. See if somehow friends can relay how happy you are and how well you are doing. Make sure this appears genuine otherwise she will see right through the facade. See how it goes. In the meantime, you need to keep busy and talk about your feelings. Hang out with friends.Meet people. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't over analyze.

I think a lot more of the space scenarios or breaks result in getting back together than is documented or predicted. Fact is that in today's society it is rare for young couples to meet, date, never break up and marry for life. It just doesn't happen that way. I needed space in the last relationship I was in and not because I saw the relationship ending or because it just wasn't there. I was concentrating on my career and my focus was being a solid human being and establishing myself for the future. I knew that my relationship would suffer and that is not what I wanted as I was dating someone younger than me by quite a bit, who was going through scholastic related stress. I knew and still believe she is the one and that we were meant to be together. I didn't take the break because I got selfish and needed her support. The result was the relationship did suffer and we broke up in December. I really regret not taking that break now. Certain situations benefit from the break scenario. For others it is an easy way to break things off and not hurt the other person.

Update: she called accidentally, as she wanted to dial another number and accidentally dialed mine. I then proceeded to ask about the kiss 2 days earlier, and her response was that it never happened or she didn't remember it happening and we ended up arguing ...she seemed so stressed out about school and things. It was unbelievable. Then I called saturday and she said that maybe it happened and that she hoped I wouldn't tell anyone and that yes she still loved me and was attracted to me. I am absolutely lost as it sounds as thought we still care and love for each other but are both lost souls going through very stressful times in our lives. I wish someone could give me some kind of clue as to what to do. Apart of me says that I need to show her that I care, but that I need to emphasize that I am doing just fine single. This goes against the grain of what is being advised here. Please help Davis

You are completely. I applaud they way you handled the situation. Text book way to handle a break up. Move on...You don't need someone who doesn't know what they want and calls you when things don't work out with others. Your not a doormat to be walked on. This is obviously a pattern with her and has zilch to do with you and what you have to offer to her. Let her really find out how special your relationship was with her and how well you treated her. She will eventaully regret it and at that point you will have already found someone else and be much happier. Mark my words. You deserve better. Keep your chin up and focus your energy on your education and career. Davis

Thanks guys for your advice. I haven't written anything because a lot has gone on since I wrote the original message. Essentially I followed the rules of do's and don'ts after breaking up. Well she started calling one-twice even three times a week to see how I was doing. The concern seemed very genuine and more along the lines of a somebody who still has strong feelings and cares for the other person-even though they are no longer together. I then called to say lets meet so that I can return some cd's and disks,which I have of yours. it was supposed to be a 10 minute meeting. It lasted 2 hours and we hugged and I noticed her looking deep into my eyes and then she asked me" do you know what I want right now ?" I knew, but didn't want to seem cocky so I said a hug ? and she said no. I knew it was a kiss, but Ijust didn't want to press the situation. The jist of it we had a short kiss and then she had to leave. The next day she called and apologized, saying she shouldn't have done that. I said do you really want to apologize ? She said well, no....Those are my feelings and I don't want to apologize for having them. She then proceeded to call me on New Year's eve at midnight to wish me a happy New Year . I let a couple days go by and then I called and she said that I had read her mind. In other words she wanted to call me....She also told a mutual friend that she was lost and that a part of her really wants me back- a part of her doesn't. Then she called me a few days later to see how I was and I wrote her a cute e-mail about the Holidays and Her life. She loved it. We then met for coffee strictly as friends and I brought her chocolates and a teddy bear-they were late X-mas gifts. I wanted to show her my romantic side. I then told her that the teady bear was to be me from now on, gave him my nickname and since I wasn't going to be around and that whenever she needed advice she should talk to him and think what my response would be and let those words flow from him. She broke down and cried and said the teady bear was nowhere near as cute as me. she hugged him very tight and cried away for several minutes. Then we hugged for a good 5 minutes. After that a song came up on one of my cd's which was sort of our song when I was away for a month last year, she shed a tear and skipped to the next tune, she said she couldn't listen to that song ever again. We then talked and the conversation somwhow lead to the question of love and we both admitted that we still loved each other. We then hugged and she kissed me on the forehead and cheek. I then drove her home and kissed her on the cheek...then I asked where was my kiss ? she kissed me on the cheek which later turned to a kiss on the lips and then several minutes of long kissing. This was 2 days ago. Yesterday I didn't call and she responded to a group e-mail( many contacts) I wrote 2 days ago saying thank you and that she hoped I would be ok and If wanted to talk to her whenever, to give her a call. There was no mention of what happened the day before and I am as lost as ever Furthermore, she signed the e-mail with the nickname I gave her and used to call her in an affectionate manner. She is currently using that nickname on her yahoo messenger and ICQ-rather than other nicknames she had used before. Someone tell me what to do and how to approach this situation.....I am lost ... 2 Ebowski, I have to say that you are partially right. I did treat her very well and she loved me deeply. I believe she still does. She is spoiled. You are correct. But her claim that I neglected her and stopped doing the little things in November( the month before we broke up) is very legit . I became way too confident and thought too highly of myself I took the relationshop and her for granted for a 4 week period. The relationship became too casual. Truth is I was busy-very busy and very stressed and should have taken a break from the relationship because I wasn't myself. She was also under tremendous stress and you see what it lead to...

I broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago. We dated for almost 2 years and had a great relationship up until the tail end, when there was a little bit of distance and I became very busy with work and my studies. I wasn't around on weekends and I didn't give her the necessary attention. She was stressed out because of her studies and I wasn't there all the time to support her and show her my love. There really wasn't much I could do except hope that this phase would pass and that the deep love we had would get us through it. Unfortunately unbeknownst to me there was a third party who began giving her attention and she started getting confused by her feelings for me and the fact that he was there and giving her the needed attention that I could only give by phone or the odd day here and there.Also she was hearing a lot from friends and in her studies that you can only know what you want if you date more than one person. I was her first boyfriend and she fell for me hard and to be frank I had a lot of girlfriends before, but she was my first true love. Eventually she called and said we should break up because her feelings were not as strong as they were before. She indicated that she still cared and loved for me but not like before. There wasn't much I could say except explain that relationships have phases and ours was past the infatuation phase and our love was deeper and based on a great friendship and understanding. I indicated that she was making a big mistake . She went on to further explain that she had to study for another 4 or so years and that beause I was 5 years older I deserve to marry and have a good life she said she wasn't ready for a relationship where marriage was a point of discussion. She said she had questions as to whether or not I was the one and she needed them answered. I think I need to add several things. One, we dated behind the back of her parents as they forbade the relationship( any relationship) as they felt she should study only and that once she got a few years of her undergraduate work done she could date. Also she comes from a broken home. She never knew her father and her mother is on her third ( unsuccessful) marriage. She has no male role models around at all. I was it. The past couple weeks have been hell. I still love her deeply and I know she still loves and cares for me. I made some mistakes but overall I was the perfect boyfriend. I can truly say that. I made the mistake of calling initially even expressing my emotions for her. She said I deserved the very best in life, and that she still cared and loved for me just not like before and that it was best to separate and move on . I recently got sick and she called and was all worried. She also explained there were days when she worried about me when the weather was bad. She called me for X-mas and wished me a Merry X-mas and she also keeps tabs on me through mutual aquaintances. She told one that her love for me is there, just not as strong and that I pushed her away and she felt some distance between us a few months back. She said she needed attention and didn't get it. She also explained to him that I was a great guy, and that I could do better than her probably and she didn't think she would find anyone better, but that she was enjoying attention from other guys, especially the third party mentioned above. What to do ? I am moving on but in my heart I think she is the one and that she just doesn't know and appreciate how special and great our relationship was and how much we loved and love each other and how lucky we were to meet. I also think if she was older things would be a lot different. Do I break contact completely ? how do I act if I run into her? if she calls ? Any adive would be greatly appreciated Brad