brokenangel

I know you may be right, but your posts scare me! Why would he still tell me he loves me and give me hugs and kisses? When we talked about it the other night he said that he said, "it feels like a part of me feels empty inside". Does this not mean anything??? I hate to say it now, but those little things give me hope so does the fact that his friends are telling me it doesn't make sense to them and that they just think he's scared, but will be back. I don't know.

Exactly what I'm scared of...Letting him do this, be with other people, then him move on when we have something great together. Come on, have any other guys been through this? I need some explaining b/c mine can't really much than he already has. Am I right in believing that if he does this, he will move on???

a.d.c. is right. I guess that he knows this because of how much I love him. But I don't know how to act any different. He's my best friend and I don't want to lose contact with him or let him go. I don't think he's changed. I think it's more of a "this is it" kinda thing and he wants to do his thing. I just don't know if I can accept it. I told him this, and he says he would understand if I wouldn't take him back, but I just can't fathom why he would want to risk losing me. I really believe he is telling me the truth (someone in here said that he may be lying). Well how can I find out for sure other than how I said, "If you really just want this to be over, let me know instead of giving me some false hope." I think he wants to be back with me, but there's this other side that is conflicting. For example, the night after we broke up, he asked me to come hang out for a bit. He invited me to his dad's for dinner this Thursday. Doesn't this sound like he's confused instead of " dumping me nicely"? My head could just explode right now.

I have a huge problem. I have been dating my boyfriend (well I guess now ex) for 3 years. He was 18 and I was 21. This past Saturday he told me he needed to take a break. We are now 21 and 24 (me). This talk had come up before starting about a year ago. Things were really good in our relationship, but once he started feeling he needed this break, he would just hang out more with friends. I figured I'd just give him space, let him hang out with the guys as much as he wanted and it would get better. It didn't work. It came to a head and he finally decided to do it now. It was really hard on both of us, both crying and both pouring out feelings. He told me that I was the first person to make him believe in soulmates (how we met), the first person that made him think of the future and being married, how we are best friends and exactly the same person, and how there is no one better. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me, but just feels married and really isn't mature enough for this kind of relationship right now. He also said when we first started dating he didn't look at other girls and now he looks frequently. He says he needs to go out and do what he wants, which includes being with other people, but he knows in his heart that he wants to get back together with me. He said he feels he should do it now instead of say if we were married and had kids and it still bugged him that he didn't do it earlier. He wouldn't want to ruin the marriage and all because of it. Now I am having the worst time because: 1- There were no problems in our relationship. We get along GREAT. The only issue was this. 2 - I can't fully comprehend why if he knows he wants to be with me for life, why he feels the need to go mess around with other girls. It really bothers me. I don't understand it at all. I will feel cheated on even though we're not together. How can he be with someone else if he loves me??? 3 - I don't know how to feel about taking him back. I know I want him back, I know we're meant to be, but I don't know if I can deal with him having been with other people. 4 - I feel like I'm losing him. We are best friends and have told each other everything for over 3 years, it's weird not being around him as much, being intimate, and not knowing if I can ask what he did when he goes out. 5 - I don't know when he'll be done taking this break. I don't intend on being with anyone else, but the fact of not knowing how long this will be kills me even more. 6 - I think he's confused and it confuses me. Last month was our 3 year anniv. and he got me a diamond bracelet. He also told me the night we broke up that he was also looking at rings the day he bought the bracelet, but felt he was too young to do that. I don't get how someone can feel that way, then want a break. I guess mainly I'm looking for a guy's opinion or someone who has went through this. I am afraid to lose him, but keep hoping that if it came down to it, he wouldn't be able to be with someone else because he loves me. I just feel like the days are dragging along and I have a constant feeling of nervousness and sadness. Any help is appreciated. Thanks.

"Besides, I think those places are quite degrading to women, and that is also probably what's getting under your skin." Yea, this is exactly why I feel weird. I look at him and can't picture him being at a place like that. Doesn't seem right. Hopefully that's the end of it.

Why does part of me feel like a sucker or something? I still have this weird feeling when I look at him sometimes, thinking like, "The other night he was in a room of naked girls..." And from what I posted previously, does it seem like he's regretful? And I know no one can say for sure, but does it seem like something he would do again? And sexygrl19, I have a feeling we are a lot more similar than you think. I played it off way more calm on here than how I really was.

Wow, I didn't think anyone would want to know what happened...So he came back pretty drunk (they went to a bar to drink some more afterwards). The tension and curiosity was killing me so I said, "How was it?" and he said it was, "Okay." then I said, "Did you have fun?" and he said he felt weird because of the people and the girls. He said he talked to the bouncer for awhile because he was a biker (my b/f rides) and he just gave the girls money to jump on the bday boy. Ugh. When I asked if the girls were ugly (haha, I had to), he said most of them were pretty crazy looking and looked pregnant. I guess it's better that he didn't use the money for his own "pleasures" as he promised not to. I also asked a friend how he behaved at the party and the friend had told me some of them were giving my b/f crap because he sat at the table the whole time drinking beer instead of being up there with the rest of them. I still feel a little weird...He hasn't come out and said he felt guilty (what boy would), but he's definitely been super sweet to me (more than usual), the past couple of days, especially when he came in that night and the next day. I hope that now that he's gone and seen what it's all about, he won't go again. Does it sound like he feels bad and that maybe he felt out of place being there? I hope this situation never occurs again. Thanks for everyone who responded. I really appreciate it.

Thanks again. I will try not to attack as it could blow up in my face. I guess I will just ask how it went and see what he says, but I'm sure I'll just get, "It was okay." Maybe I'll say, "What was it like?" or something...I don't know. I don't know what to do if he trys to be intimate with me. I think I'll feel weird because of where he just was...

Thanks for the reply. I didn't think anyone was going to answer. Sadly, I picture him and all his friends googling and girls boobs and butts in my boyfriend's face. How do I stop from feeling cheated on? I think I'll feel all weird when he gets back.

Do you think it's okay to ask questions when he gets back? I was hoping they were all real ugly, but I don't know if that makes a difference cuz naked women are naked women.

Thank you, HeavenLee. I'm trying to stay calm, but I keep wondering what's going on. I also feel tempted to ask questions when he gets back.

And if you are thinking: "if he loved me he wouldn't go" realise that he could say "if she loved me she would trust me." See, I DO think that's what he's thinking....It's not trust at all, though. I'm just hurt and am jealous, I guess. I don't want to be compared or have it put thoughts into his head like, "Oh, this is what else is out there." I guess I'm insecure on top of not liking my boyfriend looking at other girls, but I don't know... I also didn't want to have sex because I thought that it would be just getting out all his craziness from being worked up by those girls and not me...I just thought that wouldn't be cuz he wanted to be with me...

Thanks for the replies. I am sitting here just looking at the clock...It's horrible. I definitely want us to go on...It will be 3 years next month. I am just trying to see it from his perspective, why he insisted on going even though I don't like it. I'm not trying to control him, but I just thought my feelings on the issue would be enough so he wouldn't go.

So tonight my boyfriend (he's 21 and I'm 24, by the way) is at a party for his friend's 21st . The catch is that it's at a strip club. I am so against it, but he's going to do what he wants, so he went. He says he's curious since he's never been to one, and even though he knows I wouldn't want him to go, thinks I should just trust him. TRUST isn't even the issue. It's the fact that my boyfriend is going to be looking at other naked girls that aren't me IN PERSON. This isn't like porn or something. These girls are right in your face. He said he would sit in the back if he could and not give them money. I still don't feel any better. So, he's there now and I'm feeling all kinds of anxious. I don't know how to treat him when he gets home. It's killing me, but he thinks as long as I trust him, there shouldn't be a problem. I think I'm justified in feeling uncomfortable with the situation. So my question is, what do I do? How do I act when he gets back? Do I ask questions? Do I act mad/upset? Someone even told me not to "give him any" when he gets back. I'm just looking for some advice on how to feel, if I'm overreacting.

This sounds like such a good idea, but I don't think he'd go for it. I don't even know how I'd proposition it...Actually, I've tried something similar, offering to do whatever whenever he wants and also taking pictures, but these don't work...He really doesn't look at the pictures and he does take me up on my offers sometimes, but that doesn't help when I'm not around. I only sleep alone 1 day a week so why is it that that one night every week he feels the need to do that? I'm even kinda fine with him doing it, it's just the famous people, like I said, that bothers me.

Well, I know I have insecurities...But my b/f doesn't let me watch it with him. It's something he doesn't even want to talk about. Honestly, when I do fantasize, I think of him. Also, what do I do when I've even gone as far as to take pictures of myself and he doesn't look at them?

Ok, I'm going to try to attack this: - It is a little extreme about the t.v. thing, but how would you feel if you were watching t.v. knowing your g/f was looking at those people in that manner? I know it's dumb, but it makes me feel insecure. Almost like "the other girl" type deal. - There's nothing else we fight about, except this. I've tried talking rationally, but I guess I've tried talking to many times because he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and now just gets mad at me. I didn't mean to say that he looks at other girls openly or does anything else. I meant a previous occasion where we talked about a bathing suit I bought, I asked if he ever looked at other girls and thought they were hot or whatever and he said yes. Just trying to prove a point that guys will look at other girls, even if I'm his girlfriend. - I've tried communication, but he turns the tables on me and it turns into a fight. Then I apologize so we don't do this...And then it happens again. Like I said, endless cycle.

By the way, I sleep at his house 6 days of the week and it's these one days a week that he does this. It's almost 6 a.m. and I haven't slept yet because I've been upset about how we got off the phone and thinking about what he looked at. And like I said, even though he deletes the stuff off of his computer (although who knows if he will start keeping it on there since we fought), there is still a way I can see what he downloaded and I will subconsciously wake up early if I do fall asleep, to drive over there and look to see what he looked at. Why do I do that to myself? I mean, I know it's curiosity, but why do I do it when I know it will only hurt me?

Hi Zoe, thanks for replying...I've been dying over here hoping someone would give some more advice... I, in a way, think I overreact, but only because of what my boyfriend has told me. We have talked/argued about the subject plenty of times and he's really getting sick of it. He will not stop, he has cut back, but he will not talk about it anymore because he says he's not doing anything wrong. At this point if I bring it up, he gets mad and just says he doesn't care anymore and that he can do whatever he wants, but it seems out of anger. He is youger than me, which I'm wondering, could be a factor (he just turned 20 and I'll be 23 soon). Yea, I've been told not all guys look at it, but that most do. I don't know if it makes sense to go out and be like, "Hey, do you look at porn? If you do, then I won't date you.". Same thing with me not thinking I should break up with him over it...I mean, I guess I am happy that he has cut back and that he doesn't keep it on his computer. I really don't know what to do since talking can't happen anymore. He has compromised by cutting back like I mentioned, but now I'm just hung up on the famous people aspect. I just wrote him a 3 page letter that I want to drop off at his work trying to explain why I feel the way I do since talking makes him shut down...I am just as sick of talking about it as he is...

Thanks for the responses...I am thinking maybe I should give him his space tomorrow, but it kills me to be on bad terms. He is going away for 2 weeks on Sunday and so I kinda wanted it to be nice before he left... As for Glassbell's post, thanks for making me feel that I am not alone. He surely thinks no one else's girlfriend gives him a hard time like I have...And it seems that you know exactly how I feel; like these are the women he cheats on me with...That's exactly how I feel and I get all upset and worked up. I know the fear is unrealistic, but it still is scary. I almost wonder if those are things he wishes he could change about me. Thanks for trying to help me understand why he looks at the people he does...That does make sense. Do you really think he forgets about them after his purpose though? I mean, that's why I wanna change the channel when they come on because I don't wanna know what he's thinking about them. I try to tell myself he loves me, but I guess in the back of my mind, even though he's told me he wouldn't, I wonder if he'd leave me for one of them if he had the chance...I'm sure I sound crazy again. We really do have a great relationship other than this. And I don't want to leave him so I guess that should tell me that it isn't a huge deal as I make it out to be. I guess I just wish for perfection although I know it's not possible and I wish I could be enough so that he wouldn't look. Maybe his age is a factor as well? I wonder if guys look at it less and less as they get older? He just turned 20 and I'll be 23 in 2 months... Thanks again, though. Hopefully one day I won't be tempted to look and see what he's been looking at and be able to sleep at night.

Also, what should I do about this tomorrow? It's becoming an endless cycle with the fighting about it, getting over it until the next time it happens...He says he doesn't wanna see me tomorrow, but I said I was coming over anyway because he always shuts down and doesn't talk. Should I just let it go?

I want to say thanks for replying...As for the pictures, he really is looking at them. Yea, some of the ones I've seen aren't really them...But the ones he usually looks at ARE pictures of them...For example, with Jennifer Lopez, they are pictures where she's wearing underwear where most of her butt is showing, Mariah in underwear and bra, etc. It's the same as other porn, but it bothers me more because they aren't just some no name random porn people...Which makes it uncomfortable to watch t.v. I also shouldn't be looking, but there's a way to see what he's looked at even if he deleted it. Even though I know it will bother me, I still look out of curiosity. I know it's normal, but it's driving me crazy. You said if I didn't make a big deal maybe he wouldn't be as interested, but he was still all about it before he knew I knew some of the people he looks at. I try so hard not to think about it, but when he's at home online I'm constantly wondering, "What is he looking up?" and it will usually cause a fight when he calls me. I've always been insecure and had low self-esteem and I know he will never meet them in person, but I guess that makes me think that if he could, these are the people he'd rather be with or that I need to look like them. I've tried talking to him plenty of times, he's totally sick and tired of it and will not talk about it any further. He feels that he's not doing anything wrong. I must sound crazy, but I love him to death, want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I can't stand this jealousy.

I have this same issue with my boyfriend...He totally hates the shorts that I wear (even though they are regular American Eagle shorts) and if I am wearing a shirt that shows cleavage. He just acts mad at me, but I think it's because he's insecure and won't admit it. What he did tell me is that he doesn't like the idea of other guys looking at me... From a previous argument, I know for a fact that he's looked at other girls...It's human nature, he says. Well, it's the same thing here except it's YOUR girlfriend being looked at. I think this issue bothers him as much as him looking at porn and other girls bothers me, but that's another story in another thread. You need to understand that, as I told my boyfriend, that guys are going to look at girls no matter what they are wearing. The more revealing clothes just get the looks faster. There was a guy at the supermarket who would check me out and it was in December...I had a coat and sweater on. I reminded him of that and I think I made a point... I don't think he's over it, but I still wear what I want..I'm not dressing slutty, but I am not going to wear turtlenecks and jeans in the summer so he will feel better. You need to accept that people will always look. It's not her fault...They are looking for some of the reasons you are with her. Just be glad that she is with you and wants no one else but you!

I was raised in a home where my mom found my dad with porn. She treated this as if it was he cheated and she threatened to leave him. Needless to say, she is totally against it, and so, that is how I started feeling about it. It bothered me with my first real boyfriend, but another issue arised that became more important. Now I am with my second, and hope to be last, boyfriend. I love him to death, we get along great, except when it comes to my issue with the porn. Once he told me he would stop if I asked him and when I did a few months later, he said he didn't know why he said that, and that he wouldn't because he felt he wasn't doing anything wrong and that I was overreacting. Now, I've gotten a lot better about it. I understand that guys need to do it, but I still have my insecurities. The thing that irritates me is when I see that he's looked at famous people (ie. Jennifer Lopez, Angelina Jolie, Mariah Carey, etc.). It is to the point where if I see these girls on t.v. and we are together, I will want him to change the channel or I will do it. Some of them he doesn't know I know he's looked at so he will ask me why I changed the channel. Yes, they are pretty, but I can't stand to know that my boyfriend looks at them that way and then sit there and watch something with them in it. Can anyone give me any advice as to how to deal with this? We had a fight about it tonight and it ended up with him telling me he didn't want to see me tomorrow and him hanging up on me.