jul-els

Humans have been committing atrocities against each other since time immemorial. There’s an ugly and brutal side to us that is a part of our species. It’s never going to disappear, at least not in our lifetimes. All you can do is count your blessings that you can recognize this ugliness for what it is and try your best to promote love, kindness, compassion and positivity whenever and wherever you can. And based on what I know about you from reading your posts, I would surmise that you’re the kind of person who does exactly that. 🙂 edit: I would also recommend turning off the news if that’s something you’re amenable to. I did it a couple of years ago and it was one of the best things I ever did for my mental health. I don’t miss it a bit and I’m glad that toxicity is gone from my life. 

It sounds like there’s some fundamental incompatibility between the two of you, and you’ve built up a lot of expectations in your mind that aren’t reasonable. I would recommend you tell her you would like to remain her friend, but it’s not going to go beyond that, if you know that’s something you’re comfortable with. Otherwise, you should just move on. 

Whether or not you’re ready to put yourself out there to date is something only you can know for yourself. If don’t want to/not ready right now, then you’re not. If and when you are, there will always be plenty of single, available women for you to choose from. I wouldn’t be concerned about this particular one. 

With his actions, he has permanently removed trust from the relationship, thereby ending it. There’s nothing left for you to stay for. Unless you’re ok with his behavior, which you’re not, you have to permanently remove yourself from his life. 

There’s no way to get inside someone else’s head and know what they’re thinking. You’re wondering why now, because you’re still feeling some attachment to her. Just stay the course you’re on, and in time it won’t matter anymore. Just continue moving on. 

You want more from him than he can offer, which makes you incompatible with him in the long term. Best to move on. 

It sounds like you have a need to go in your own direction. There’s nothing wrong with that. People grow apart sometimes. It’s never easy to see things come to an end, but if you know in your heart it’s what’s right, then it’s the fair thing to do. 

Take it as a lesson in not being so self-absorbed in the future. That is really the most positive thing you can take away from this. Leave that woman alone from this point, let it go and move forward. We all make mistakes. What’s important is what you learn from them. Own your mistakes, learn from them, and move on. 

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

Some of the most valuable lessons are unfortunately the most difficult.   Can't help but wonder if things were different, you mother's illness, her passing, furloughed, covid, etc if you would have let her into your life to the degree you did.  You were super vulnerable and no doubt her companionship seemed comforting, or at the least the idea of it.

I am sorry you went through this and my condolences for the loss of your mother.

It’s a good question, and one that I’ve pondered myself. I don’t know. The timing of it all was kind of like the universe was putting it all in front of me at once. To be dealt with. It seems to me as there were a lot of lessons I had needed to learn in life that I had avoided until they all came to me at once. The way I was living and saw life in general needed to change. And outside events put me in a spot where I really had no choice other than to acknowledge it. And react accordingly. 

16 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You are very strong and have come out to the other side by yourself. You should be proud.

For the woman, absolutely block her everywhere. Only pursue women who are emotionally available and who support you and bring out the best of you. Know your worth... Add considering the last sentence, it seems like you're starting to. Keep it up!

Thank you. She’s a distant memory now, as she should be. The oddest thing about all of it to me is how deeply I was hurt by my relationship with her. It cut to the depths of my soul unlike anything I could have imagined. Of all the things I went through at the time, losing my mother, discovering my family were jerks, being left alone, the thing that hurt me the most was that woman. As silly as it seems now, it’s also strange. 

1 minute ago, Capricorn3 said:

Excellent! 👍

It hurt unlike anything I could have imagined up to that point. But I needed to go through that naive kind of stupidity in order to gain some much needed wisdom and inner strength. What I wrote in the op is just the cliff notes version. There were lots of other horrible things that went on with both that woman and my family. But I don’t need to revisit all of them again. It’s all over now and I made it through.

1 minute ago, Capricorn3 said:

Please please tell me that you are rid of this extremely toxic woman and will never go back to her again.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you. Of course. I walked away from her and never looked back.

Hi, and thank you in advance for reading my long-winded diatribe. This is the story of the ridiculous and stupid things I did when my mother passed away and the abuse I received because of it. 
 

Long story long, my mother fell in her house in February of 2020 and broke her hip. She called me and I came over and we both agreed she should go to the ER. Once there, she was admitted and the first thing that happened was the nurse asked me to leave the room so he could talk to my mother. It seemed slightly odd, but I did as I was asked. When I came back in the room, I asked my mother what the nurse said. She told me, “he told me I have a tumor on (the outside of) my breast. But that’s not what it is. It’s an infection. I know because I’ve had it for years”. I thought it was perhaps unwise to ignore the medical knowledge and experience of the nurses, but it was her body and her life and I respected her opinion. 
 

She is admitted for surgery and they put a pin in her hip and discharged her within a couple days. At this point, I become her caretaker and lived in her house, as I had no other pressing responsibilities other than my full time job and neither my half brother or half sister were interested in being involved. 
 

As you know, about a month later the pandemic began and it wasn’t long before I was placed on furlough at work. Staying home while still receiving full pay. This worked out well in terms of taking care of my mother, as I could now be with her full time and not suffer financially. She lived in a large 5 bedroom home, which was the home I grew up in, and she rented all the rooms out to create income for herself. 
 

She spent 5 weeks in a nursing facility after surgery and then came home. The verbal abuse that the universe would insist on hurling at me from this point forward began at this time. Once my mother returned home, one of her tenants went to go stay with his kids for an indefinite period, which was both wise imo and appreciated by me, because it helped to protect my 84 year old mother who was recovering from her surgery.

The other tenant was a bit more problematic. He was coming and going multiple times a day. This coincided with the very beginning stages of the lockdown, when we were sent home from work and told not to socialize. And here was this person going out to visit his friends and family every day and coming back home to share a house with an 84 year old woman who was fresh out of five weeks in the hospital and couldn’t walk, dress or feed herself.

I was concerned about this, so I called him one day while he was out and tried to determine where he was going all the time. He told me he was visiting his family, that he was “being safe” and that it was going to continue. I told my mom that he was putting her at risk and she didn’t care. She was more concerned with keeping the rent money coming in, and told me I was not to mention anything to him about it. I was not ok with this, and I asked him one day when he was home if him and I and my mom could sit down and talk about it. He then proceeded to fly off the handle and yell at me for the next 10 minutes. I did not react to his hostility, not wishing to amplify the drama. I just stood there and let him yell until he was done. 
 

That evening, I called my half sister for moral support, explaining to her what happened that afternoon. She then had an emotional outburst, she went on for a good half hour, explaining all the ways in which she thought our mother was a terrible person, and that I should leave that house and leave my mother alone to fend for herself, as she deserved. 
 

I was in disbelief at this, and called my brother for moral support. He just told me the problem was “between you and her” and he just wanted to get off the phone with me. He wasn’t interested. 
 

So, I ignored both of them and carried on taking care of my mother. As the months went on, my mother started to regain some of her strength, enough to the point that I felt I could go back to work, so I went out and found a new job and went back to work in October. 
 

A couple months went by and things seemed to be going okay. My mother still needed a lot of help from me, but she could now cook for herself and get around with a walker. Then in December, I unexpectedly met a woman I was attracted to and we started talking and went out a couple times at which time we became physically intimate, which seemed fine at the time, she was aware that I was taking care of my mother and was okay with it and I felt that I was okay with it too, as she seemed to be understanding of my situation. However there were big red flags she was openly displaying at this time that I willfully ignored. She repeatedly stated to me that she was “five kinds of crazy” (which is uncanny, because although she did have several mental illnesses going on at once, she was highly, accurately self-aware of it) that she was a “bundle of nerves”. That she would “run you over with your own car” and she would “hurt me and make me cry”. And a more ominous threat a little later on, “I’ll kill you”, which is something she re-emphasized on more than one occasion. 
 

Then in mid-January my mother started to decline very rapidly. I told the woman I was seeing that I would need to step away from dating for a little while and focus my energy on my mother’s care. She told me she wanted to stay with me through it. That she would be there with me, and that I “didn’t have to be alone” and that she would “support all of my decisions”. 
 

I didn’t feel good about her offer, it didn’t feel right or appropriate to me, but then on the other hand, I liked hearing all the things she said, as I was completely alone in this, and a weaker, more vulnerable part of myself wanted someone to come along and be there for me, which was wrong, because what I was going through wasn’t about me, it was about my mother and her best interests. 
 

Ultimately, I succumbed to the weaker part of myself and accepted her offer to be with me through this. I knew it was wrong, because how could someone I’d only known a little less than two months possibly support me in a time that was so significant to me on a personal level? I ignored that question and let the weaker, more selfish part of myself make the choice to let her in and let her be there with me. 
 

She would come and visit me daily over the next month as my mother continued to decline. On the night my mother passed, she was there in the room with me. On that night, I stepped out of the room momentarily and came back. After we both left the room together, she told me she said the Hail Mary to my mother. My mother was not catholic and was actually opposed to Catholicism. I couldn’t understand how someone could be so callously insensitive to someone on their death bed. 
 

A few days after my mother had passed, she called me and told me her daughter had contracted covid. She lived with her three daughters and the company she worked for required her not to have contact with her daughter if she wanted to continue coming in to work for the next two weeks. So I offered to let her stay with me for the next two weeks so she could continue going to work while her daughter got through her illness. It was a terrible choice. I should have let her go stay with her parents. As soon as she moved in, her hostile rage continued to be directed at me. 
 

The first night she came over, I told her I was going to take a shower and she waited for me in my room and read. Once I got out of the shower, I went back into my room and she was visibly highly distraught. She was in a state of panic. “Oh my god”, she said “ where were you?” “What time is it?” “You were in there for a half hour I can’t believe you left me here for so long.”  I thought it was strange, but I tried to quell the situation by telling her we should go to the kitchen and make something for dinner. 
 

She could not be soothed. She had reached the point of no return. As I attempted to prepare a meal, she hovered over my every move, keeping her face inches from mine yelling in my face and telling me “ What are you doing?” Hurry up!” “Move! Move!” etc. This was nine days after my mother had passed away. 
 

I later tried to tell her I didn’t like her yelling at me like that. This caused her to yell horrible abusive hostilities in my face. As far as what the words were she used, I don’t know what they were. They were so unfathomably harsh and abusive, that my mind blocked them out. I don’t know what they were, I only know they were horribly sharp and abusive. 
 

Anyway, to wrap it up, this dynamic continued on between her and I for five months as I cleaned out my mother’s house and put it on the market. She would abuse me, I would repeatedly break up with her, she would beg me to take her back, and I would. During all of this, I had quit my job to focus on closing out all of my mother’s affairs 100% on my own. Once the house closed escrow and I found a new job, I texted her to tell her I got hired, as we said we would try to remain friends. She congratulated me and told me she had had been working and her hand had been doing okay, (she had carpal tunnel surgery as a result of her desk job). I asked her  if work was going alright and if her hand was okay, and I also expressed my excitement about my new job. To which she replied, “I’m good”. I said “Good, glad to hear it”. And that was the last we ever spoke. The strangest thing about this whole story is that for all of garbage I was going through at the time, the one thing that hurt me the most out of all it was her. She cut me deep into my soul in a way that no one else ever has and thankfully never will again. It was a hard lesson, but I’m such a far stronger person for it now than I was. I now have boundaries where formerly none existed. It was an extremely difficult way to learn. But I can now say I am grateful to be through the other side of it. I can only benefit from it now. I loved her and I know she loved me in her own twisted way. And I loved my family, but she and they were toxic for me and I have left them behind (except for my mother, who I will always love) and I continue to move forward. I’m not really looking for any specific advice, I just needed to get it out. If you’ve read all the way through this train wreck, thank you for reading this. Never forget that you are great, you are loved and you are love. 

It’s not a dealbreaker unless it’s a dealbreaker for you. He’s being upfront and honest with you about how he is. If that’s something you’re ok with, then it’s ok. If it’s something you’re not ok with, which seems to be the case, then I wouldn’t consider him as a potential dating or relationship partner. 

It’s an awkward and weird approach and a super long shot, but you’ve got nothing to lose if that’s what you want to do. I wouldn’t expect anything to come of it. 
 

If you’re that interested, I’d say just spring for the membership and if she doesn’t answer there’s lots of other people there you might be interested in as well. 

She doesn’t know what she wants or what she’s doing. The message is very clear. There are plenty of people for you to choose from who aren’t unsure of themselves. Chalk this one up to experience and move on.

You need to get out of your own head and focus on your work. Forget about her in any context other than a professional one. There are plenty of women outside of your workplace that you can be interested in.

Plain soap is an antibacterial. (so weird that they market antibacterial soaps)

Antiseptics skills viruses.

(Oh, the things you learn in beauty college )

 

Official as of 10 minutes ago. The friends cancelled their trip to Scotland. We however are still using our tickets to go stay with them. I can't imagine what traveling will be like 5 weeks from now. I'm not giving it much thought between now and then. So much can change.

That's good it's still on! Yeah, just have to sit tight and see what travel conditions/orders might be at that time. I'm looking at about the same time frame.

$5500 Wow. . I don't feel so bad.

Yeah. It was a big deal. Which may now be dashed. My hope is the trip either doesn't get cancelled, or I can get my money back. I read my insurance policy and it looks like my mom's medical condition may be a qualifying event. I need to call them to verify that. Of course if it gets cancelled due to a government travel ban, all the people who purchased passage are going to be up in arms with the travel company. I doubt they'll be able to just take all of our money and walk away with it.

My mom gave me an earful about the Corona Virus the other day.

 

She thinks that because I don't have regular TV, and hence don't watch the news, that I live in a void of information.

 

Her lecture was really annoying. She really hates that I don't watch the news. I find that most people her age feel that way, actually. If your peace of mind isn't disrupted by corporation-sponsored scare tactics, you aren't doing your part for humanity.

 

Fact is, her generation is addicted to the news and all of its crazy ups and downs.

 

I was like, "Mom, do you think I live in a bubble where nobody speaks about anything? I hear plenty about the Corona Virus without the news. Believe me, I couldn't avoid learning about the Corona Virus even if I wanted to. Everyone around me is in a panic and can't shut up about it because they watch the news. I've never been so happy not to watch the news."

Couldn't agree more. The corporate armada is annoying. Nothing drives up profits more than fear. And they've got themselves a hold of a real juicy tidbit at the moment and they'll milk it for everything it's worth. And people buy it. That's the part that stymies me the most. But it's like anything that's bad for you, once you're hooked on it, you just want more. It's easy to find any source of news and information out there that will gladly bolster and support any one person's particular world view. Trying to make sense out of it all as a whole is a nearly impossible task. Just the facts would be nice but there's no profit in that. It's also not entertaining enough to hold the average consumer's attention span. Highly annoying. Ok, annoying rant over, lol.

Regular soap works fine. Hence, why it was invented, lol. I just find it a bit baffling that grown people need government assistance in being reminded to wash their hands. But I guess nothing should surprise me anymore.

Yes, here too. We're not buying that stuff right now -we're ok. I do have family members in other states who are immunocompromised so I am more concerned about them

Yes, that makes it more difficult for people who might need it more than others. Fear mongering. Gets good ratings. Annoying.

I'm sorry about the Europe trip! Coronavirus is very real where I am but not prevalent in my particular city -yet. We haven't yet planned our European travel for this summer but not because of the virus. We'll see. Annoying: having to remind myself to focus on the people in my life who are reliable and not the ones who flake.

Yeah, the store shelves are getting cleared out of staple items here. Things like hand soap, etc. Annoying. Calm down, people! Lol.

My boyfriend house sits his friends house every year in another state. It's cheaper to send him a round trip plane ticket then to board their dog for 2 weeks while they go to Scotland. I bought a non refundable ticket to go up there for 4 days during his stay.

 

This couple owns a 4k sq foot home on a hill top with a vineyard. It has it's own movie theatre and wine cellar. It's stunning! Needless to say, they have a little bit of money.

 

I just got word they may not go to Scotland for the same reason. Aarrgh! I'll be out the money for the plane ticket, not to mention the trip ;(

Sorry to hear that. Maybe next year? I hope I don't have to eat the cost for this trip. $5500. Yikes. That plus I've been really looking forward to this for months. I've never been outside of my homeland before. If I can recoup the money, I can just put it towards a new trip in the future. That's my hope.

I may have to cancel a trip to Europe I planned and paid for a year ago. My mother fell and broke her hip last week and my trip is in mid-April. I don't know how well she will do or if I'll be able to make the trip. Between that and the threat of a travel ban due to the stupid coronavirus propaganda, it's looking like this trip may not have been meant to be. Figures. It would be my first time travelling abroad. Disclaimer: I'm not annoyed that my mom got injured and I don't think the coronavirus is a hoax (although I do think the reports on it are being sensationalized). I'm just annoyed at the timing of it all. I do have travel insurance that I think will probably cover the cancellation if I have to go that route. Maybe I can look at that as a silver lining. Sigh.