jul-els

By being yourself. Whether or not someone loves that is something you have no control over. Nor should you want to. 

Being straightforward and honest is the kindest thing you can do. “Thank you for meeting with me, but I don’t feel as though we’re a match. I wish you luck in finding your special someone.” That’s the end of it. 

She has spelled it out for you very clearly. Take her at her word. Don’t spend your time on someone who can’t/won’t reciprocate. 

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

if he says "I need a blow job" say..."that reminds me, could you vacuum the living room?"

Gold. This is what I call effective communication. 😉 

Texting is not conducive to conversation. It’s a way to relay information, but beyond that it’s usefulness is minimal for carrying on a conversation. If you want to talk to him it’s best to call and keep most of your texting to setting up time to see each other. 

The golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 

He’s told you he’s not ready for a relationship. Believe him. You need to move on. 

You’re holding on to threads leftover from a relationship that didn’t work. Let it go. 

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No we just disagree on the way to approach self love.  I didn't say you suggested positive affirmations.  Especially given his penchant for abstract negative generalizations I don't think the first step should be what you suggested. It's too vague and abstract IMHO given his mindset - basically a nonstarter.  To me it's about doing not viewing. Sometimes even faking till you make it.  For example I wasn't feeling the love this morning and I made myself do what I do every morning around 5am.  Work out.  That triggered the positive feelings. Getting on the treadmill was the first step.  I respect your perspective of course and that it works for you and others!

But I came here for an argument, lol. 😉 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I’m not of fan of “loving “ yourself unless loving means giving.

 Giving yourself opportunities.  Giving yourself actions that reflect good physical and mental health. Giving yourself tools that calm you down so you can regain perspective when fearful or anxious. Giving yourself learning and exposure to learning like reading a good book or going to a book club, going to a lecture on an interesting subject , doing a volunteer activity that forces you out of a self absorbed shell. 

Today I lost perspective because of sleep deprivation and stressful situations that cumulatively felt triggering. So I resorted to my 4-7-8 breathing. I chugged water instead of reaching for a cookie. I angry folded laundry to put my tension to a good cause. I spoke in a modulated calm tone to people who were unreliable in fixing our major appliance. I showed myself I was strong enough to withstand the temptation to lash out in some way. That’s self love.
Not the abstract repetition of positive affirmations —for example. Those help but not as much as showing love through actions and giving to yourself or others. Tough love is good. Show yourself you’re bigger than those silly cliches and nonsensical negative generalizations.  

That’s all good, but you miss the point I was making with my “abstract positive affirmation”. My point was he I think he would be better served by viewing himself through a more loving perspective as opposed to a self deprecating one. How he chooses to make those changes is something he has to decide for himself, assuming he does want to see them. It starts with the first step. 

Writing the letter would be for your benefit, not his. If you want to write the letter, do so, but don’t send it to him. The best way to show your respect for him is by honoring the end of your relationship and moving on with your life. 

23 hours ago, metalfantom said:

I'm in my 30s and never had a gf. Pathetic I know, but hey. I've had a lot of physical and emotional challenges in my life that made dating not an option. I'm just too ugly, awkward and weird to attract a woman. It is what it is.

However, when I see couples in public I still get filled with heartache and visceral rage. I hate them for what they have. I don't feel most guys even earn their girlfriends, they're lucky to have inherited good looks, status or charisma. And I hate the women because they would never give me a second look.

I know it's not their fault, but it feels like they're rubbing their happiness in my face. 

How do I overcome this before it destroys me?

By learning to love yourself more. When you have love, you attract love. When you have hate, reflected in the way you describe yourself in the above quote, you attract hate, or indifference at best. Love is not attracted to hate, but repelled by it. You possess greatness within you. You must learn to discover and embrace your own greatness. Then love will come to you. It starts from within and grows outward, affecting everything it comes into contact with, including itself. Your destiny is greatness. Own it.

He’s told you in a very straightforward manner that he isn’t giving up porn. If this is a deal breaker for you, you need to walk away, completely and permanently. He’s made his choice, now you need to make yours. 

40 minutes ago, limandy said:

I meant, maybe in this day and age, it is more okay for straight men to do more intimate touching with other men, and it is not categorized as "gay" therefore, maybe in his eyes it wasent considered intimate and he wasent "technically" cheating on his gf.  thoughts?

If you want to know what he’s thinking, you’ll have to ask him. I honestly would just let the whole situation end. Continuing would just mean you’re enabling his cheating and puts you in a bad spot. 

What the relationship is between him and his girlfriend is defined by him and his girlfriend. It’s got nothing to do with what year it is. 

Just now, limandy said:

Oh i forgot to add that he currently has a girlfriend as well, So I am not sure how that is going to play out.  I didnt go far with him, just to be sure it wont be considered "cheating" on his girlfriend.  But then again I am not sure how it works with this since it two different genders.

Cheating is cheating, and that’s what he’s doing if his girlfriend doesn’t know about it. Sounds like he’s just using you for sex. It would be wise to stop being intimate with him and find someone who’s not already spoken for. 

5 minutes ago, limandy said:

thanks for your insight.  He just tells me he doesnt really care about the touching and cuddling etc.  but that is all he said.  After that acted like everything is normal, never brought it up, but continue to do it.  You think he is just not accepting it? or maybe there are men out there that dont really care about the intmate touching and cuddling?

That’s something only he can answer, so you’re going to have to ask him. If he’s not willing to communicate with you, then you might want to stop being intimate with him if it’s going to make you confused and unhappy. 

Very erratic behavior. Not something you should have any interest in or desire to pursue. Block and delete.

This is a mess. Nothing good about it. Block and delete. 

No one was out of line, imo. It was just something silly that happened. Another day, another dollar as they say. 

Texting sucks. Call her, and if she doesn’t answer or return your message, you can let it go. 

Generally, no. Not that it’s never happened, but it’s not usually the first thing on my mind when meeting someone for the first time. 

He wasn’t willing to communicate with you, so there’s not much to talk about. Let it go. Give yourself time to heal. 

He’s obviously comfortable with it, so there’s your answer. What the two of you are doing is not a heterosexual activity and you both know it. Not sure what the mystery is here. 

…count your blessings.