jul-els

You’re moving fast and setting your expectations high. A recipe for disappointment, as you’re finding out. Slow down, keep your expectations low. You might be surprised. And if you’re not, it won’t be such a big deal.

It’s ok so long as your ok with the possibility of it not working out and still being able to keep it professional.
If not, then it’s not a good idea. 

I’m not sure what you mean when you say men think you’re a boy, but no one deserves to be cheated on. 

Cheating is a character flaw of the cheater. A person being cheated on has no control over or responsibility for that.

No one can ever be 100% certain about anyone when it comes to cheating, but we do have a responsibility to ourselves to know what character traits we will or won’t accept from someone before allowing ourselves to open up to them emotionally. It’s important to know these things about yourself to reduce your chances of getting hurt. 

The two of you weren’t on the same page from the beginning, but you went forward anyway. Now you miss what you had, but the fundamental thing you didn’t agree upon is still there. You’re now having a change of heart in order to get back to the good stuff is what it sounds like to me. Ultimately your heart won’t change and either will hers. The honest, fair and respectful thing to do is to let it go with grace. 

It’s slightly odd, but not a big deal. Hit her up. 

The only way you could be the problem is if you choose to stay with him. He is abusive. The abuse will break down your cognitive function over time, which is what’s causing your confusion. It will only get worse and your suffering will grow. Get out of this relationship immediately. It’s extremely unhealthy and there is no way to fix it. 

Leave him. He is mentally unstable and toxic. Staying with him will damage you psychologically and he will possibly hurt you physically. Never see or speak to him again.  Get away from him, bar him from your life completely and permanently and don’t ever look back. 

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Look at it this way...would you like it if they interviewed you knowing they had no intention of hiring you? What if you really wanted the job, wouldn't you feel a bit betrayed? And what if they explained it by saying "we just wanted to practice interviewing people", would that be OK with you?

This is fine if you go on the presumption that the business world is fair. It’s not. It’s based on raw competition. It doesn’t matter if it’s ok or not.

Feelings are irrelevant in this arena. They’re going through a process of elimination and you have every right to do the same. And if you know your value, that’s what you’ll do. It comes down to what you can offer and whether or not it will generate a profit, nothing else.

It might not be “right” but it’s the way things are done. At the end of the day, they’re running a business and you’ve got bills to pay.  

You’re both looking for a way to meet your objectives and you’re looking at each other as a possible way to make that happen. There’s a lot of people they will pass on and you have every right to do the same. You have to play the game to get what you want. If you don’t proactively go after what you want, no one else is going to.

Trial and error. It’s messy, but there is no other way. Believe me, I wish there was, lol. 

Pay attention to the red flags. If you don’t, you won’t have anyone to blame but yourself. I probably don’t have to tell you this, but you deserve better. Maintain your integrity and walk away.

I would go just for the practice and the chance that it might turn out to be something you want. I wouldn’t worry about wasting their time. They’re running a business and looking for employees and you’re a worker looking for a job. The interview isn’t a guarantee for anyone, just an opportunity for both sides to explore their options. It’s part of the way business is conducted. Nothing wrong with that.   

It’s got nothing to do with gender or a generation gap, it’s just a basic incompatibility. The two of you don’t see eye to eye in a fundamental area, which caused a disconnect. Happens all the time. Her reaction to it is just that; her reaction. That’s nothing you can control or be responsible for.
 

All you can do is set your boundaries, which you have. That’s how things often go when you’re dating. It ultimately didn’t end up working out for the two of you and you both go on with your lives. 

Without trust, there’s nothing to try and save. It’s just time to move on. 

Ok well, it sounds like you don’t like him. So, instead of wasting your time and his, you should move on. 

Sending healing thoughts to your husband and encouragement for strength to you both. 

Finding someone you’re truly compatible with isn’t easy. But while you’re doing so make sure to be firm in your boundaries and what you’re looking for in a potential mate.
 

If someone is pressuring you for sex, then I’m guessing that falls outside of the things you’re looking for, so that lets you know right away to move on. 
 

There’s nothing to feel guilty about in not settling for less than you deserve. 

3 hours ago, reggierags said:

I'm bad at this, can you just tell me? I've been ignored/rejected before but not by someone who keeps wanting to have contact with me and keeps a flirtatious tone

If you’re getting mixed signals, that’s a sign that something is off. It’s either the wrong person, time or place for you. Whether or not you choose to pay attention to that is up to you. What things do you feel are worthy to pursue and what things are not? The choice is yours. 

5 hours ago, reggierags said:

The whole picture is odd, that's the thing. If she was just ignoring me then great, but she keeps making plans with me, keeps looking at me for long period, keeps asking me to walk her home...and at the same time not answering texts for days. It's a very bent picture that I can't read

The description you gave here should tell you everything you need to know. 

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh yes- I wasn't worried in that sense - I was concerned about my own behavior and what it showed about my commitment/potential commitment.  I think it's normal to worry in the beginning.  Pre-internet I worried "does he like me?" "did he go to that party/club/event and meet anyone?" Same thing except it's too easy now to check up on online activity, read into online activity, etc. 

Reality is that most people have some insecurities in the beginning if they're really into the new person.  How you act on it is another story.  I stopped dating someone who after our first date saw me dancing with a guy at a party - and then left the party got drunk and very upset -and told me about it.  (Actually the guy was a platonic friend who asked me to dance to make his ex jealous lol -we were in our 20s).  I found that incredibly creepy.  

The app does have something to do with it -part of committing to each other is very often promising not to pursue others to date.  If a person insists on keeping an active profile on an app that person is advertising him or herself as single and available to date.

Well, we all pick our battles. Myself, I see that one as a waste of time. 

2 minutes ago, reggierags said:

I got it, yeah. I wanna ask her out because I feel like our relationship grew that night, but has stayed dormant since due to not doing anything together other than talking at work, walking her home and a bit of texting here and there. Like I want to know, or wait till she is in a better place, but then risk losing what we had that day

You’re idealizing one moment between the two of you. You should take a step back and look at the whole picture. 

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

So for me having a profile active on a dating site meant I was advertising myself as single -keeping options open.  I remember speaking to a friend over 20 years ago and telling her I was thinking of getting back together with an ex -we'd been on and off.  We were dating again but not exclusive. I wasn't meeting anyone through the site but was checking emails to see who contacted me, browsing the profiles.  She said to me - you're keeping one foot out the door then -you're keeping options open.  It's like dating someone seriously yet you go to a singles geared event and tell yourself "I'm just looking" - it's telling yourself you're not all in even if it's not technically cheating.  

Yes, but that was your choice and you were free to do that if that was what you wanted. What happens between two people when dating is based on what those two people want. The app has nothing to do with it. Worrying about what someone else might be doing with an app is is really just a way to vicariously let one’s own insecurities creep in and find a way to create unnecessary drama. 

Stay in no contact and move on. This relationship is over as it should be. 
 

There is a lesson for you here, and once you’ve healed from it, it can benefit you going forward. Other than that, there’s nothing else to do or say. 

Asking for a date is just that. It’s got nothing to do with boundaries. Her boundary is however she answers. You know that old cliche, ‘you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take’, or whatever. 
 

That being said, you should think about what your reasons are for wanting to ask her out. From what you describe, she doesn’t seem to be in a stable place emotionally at this point.
 

The fact that you say you’re both into drugs, I don’t think it gives you the opportunity to start off on the right foot with each other. Lots of potential for lots of toxic scenarios to possibly play out there. It might be best for both of you to keep things platonic. My advice is to tread with caution when it comes to entertaining any thoughts of romance with her.

Once you start interacting in reality and developing an interest, the dating site is irrelevant. If the two of you decide to be exclusive at some point, then you will. If you don’t, you won’t. The app should have no bearing on whatever happens between the two of you one way or the other. Delete the profile or not, it doesn’t matter. Once you’re off the app, you forget about the app. 

He likes you but isn’t willing to open his heart for reasons of his own that have nothing to do with you. He’s confused, and due to your attraction to him, it’s making you confused. 
 

Bottom line is he can’t offer you what you’re looking for. Your best options are to keep it platonic with him if that’s something you’re interested in, or to move on. Anything else would be wasting your time.