jul-els

I’m sorry you’re in this pain. Life has pain in store for all of us. It also has joy and pleasure. Life is an illusion inside of a paradox. Even a so called long life is over in a flash in the span of eternity, but we all go through it. I recommend the next thing you do is find help from people who can help you navigate this journey we are all on together. It’s just a ride. You only get to do it once and some beautiful things will come from it along with the painful things. Take the ride. Love to you. 

Nice work, congratulations! Enjoy! 😎 🧑‍✈️ 

It’s sounds like you’re both in agreement that he’s currently unavailable, so I wouldn’t spend more time turning it over in your mind, it doesn’t really matter at this point. Just move on. If he calls you in the future and you’re still interested, great. If not, then life goes on. 

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

Could be, if it made you uncomfortable then trust that feeling and move on. It could be harmless.  If the sleeping in the bed thing happens a lot, or if it makes you feel odd, it's definitely time to move on fella. The potential is there because it's odd enough to post an opinion on a question like this about it, but I don't think you can know 100% that it's unhealthy (although it could be). We are all different. What I consider odd, you might think is perfectly normal, and vice versa. The best indication of a personal situation is always our gut and if our gut is trying to talk to us, we should probably start listening. 

As I said, I have no interest in pursuing it. It’s weird at best and borderline creepy at worst. I’m done with online dating altogether. It’s been an unpleasant experience. 

A friend of mine who I told about this called it emotional incest. Doesn’t sound too far off to me. Online dating sucks, lol. I was doing it for about three years and all I found were people who were broken, lonely, didn’t know what they wanted, or some combination thereof. I had stopped logging in unless I got a notification. I’m not even going to do that anymore. One of my subscriptions lapsed last month and the other one will do the same next month. I’m done. 

It’s kind of a rhetorical question, because I already know what my answer is, and it’s a yes. But I’m curious to see what other people’s opinions (not reactions) might be about it. 

I recently met this woman online and we went out twice. She seems to have what appears to me to possibly be an unhealthy attachment to her 18 year old son who lives with her. 

On a recent phone conversation, she told me that her and her son both have locks on their bedroom doors and they each have a key to each other’s room, in addition to their own.

She told me that the other night, her son came into her room and wanted to sleep in her bed with her, and she allowed it. She said the next day she asked him why he did that and if anything was wrong and she said his reply was, “no, I just wanted to be near you and to hug you.” 

I found this to be a bit chilling. Especially when I add it to the fact that I work on weekends, and I’m willing to go out to meet her, but she can’t meet me during the week because she has to be home to cook and clean for her son. Super weird. I’m not going any further with this one. Just wondering what anyone else thinks. I’ve never heard anything like this before. 

Digitally is the way people have seem to communicate by and large these days and it is isolating and insulating, imo. The art of communication and socializing in general is degrading because of it. Maybe people will wake up to it and start changing their habits. Or maybe not. Time will tell. 

Sounds like you’re highly incompatible. Don’t waste your time. Thank her and move on. 

Who knows? No point in analyzing it. An app is just an app. You have to take it at face value and not read anything into it. Otherwise, you can make yourself crazy. She was interested, now she’s not. If she’s interested again, she’ll reach out again. If and when that happens, you can decide if you’re still interested at that time. Don’t torture yourself. Just move on. 

On 1/17/2024 at 4:58 PM, RN4L_1969 said:

LADIES - Need some feeling HELP?

Why am I not "feeling" it...? Is this normal, cold feet or just trying to see what happens??

We text maybe 2-3x a day...mostly after work. IDK...I'm not feeling that excitement, that rush when I see her text, (maybe a little), the I can't stop thinking about her throughout the day. I mean you know, we had an amazing 1st date. Did the newness already wear off? Why is this?

I hate to compare...but with my x gf from '22...when we first met online...we literally were on the phone every night for the 1st 3 weeks. And I don't mean hi/bye...I mean literally hours at a time, every night! There were nights where we both fell asleep with the phone still connected to each other, I would hear her snoring 🙂! lol It was actually romantic...

Needless to say we dated for 8 months total...but the 1st 6 months were pure bliss. A season of my life I'll never forget...it was beautiful, fun, romantic...we traveled, we did sooo much and we had a blast! Even now I do still miss her. I don't love her anymore...but at times I do miss her. She was only 1 of 3 women I really gave my heart to in my entire life...

This is weird...what do I do...? 😔

…because you’re comparing her to your ex…

You say your interest level is high and you want to impress, so be a gentleman and pick up the tab. It’s not complicated. Don’t overthink it. 

It sounds like a less than ideal match. Your personalities and vision are very different. But you have brought value to her, so I’d focus on that more than the things that you see differently. If you’re really unhappy working there, you can always move on to something that aligns more with what you want to accomplish. 

Maintain your boundaries. Whatever he needs, thinks or feels is beside the point. This relationship isn’t healthy for you. Your wellbeing is your first and foremost priority. Let him sort out his problems on his own. You can’t fix him. It’s something he has to do for himself and you should move on. I know it’s painful, but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. 

Thanks. I get the upshot of it. Don’t say you want to be friends with someone you met on a dating site because it’s too ambivalent and can be interpreted in a number of ways and that may not be what I want. Very helpful and I appreciate it. It’s when people start to infer and extrapolate what my motives must be that I’m not going to entertain. 
It’s not helpful, and I came here specifically for help.
 

I’ve been online dating for two years now, getting tired of it, and this is the third time out of the dozens of people I’ve met that this has happened. I think it’s a weird thing, and I wonder what’s spurring it on. I am, I get it.
 

Perhaps it’s naive of me, but my motives are genuine and stated plainly and to infer that I must be collecting women and semi discarding them to keep around for sex is a wild assumption and a bit insulting. It’s unfortunate that some replies wish to go in that direction, but that’s when the thread starts to break down into projections that have no basis in the subject matter, so I excuse myself because I’ve got the information I came for. And then that turns into further projection about what my motives must be for signing out. Oh boy. But the thread has been helpful for me, I appreciate it, and this time I am signing out, lol. Thank you. 🙂 

1 minute ago, lostandhurt said:

I am not judging you, only you can do that.

 You wanted to know why this keeps happening and the answer is the common denominator.  You.

 Now if you want to know how to keep it from happening over and over again change the dynamic.

 I have noticed when the questions posed to you on your threads get difficult or you hear things maybe you don't want to hear you decide the thread has run its course....interesting

Good luck

 Lost

If you read my op carefully, you’d understand where I’m coming from. Instead, you decide to project and ask me about my sex life, which has nothing to do with the subject. So 4 to 5 dates is the magic number? Says who? You? Or is it three dates? Please. Give me a break with that. Her and I are two human beings getting to know one another, for whatever that’s worth. We’re not numbers on a graph or pages on a chart. If you want to use someone’s honesty, in this particular case mine, to find fault, well, that’s on you. I don’t know what to tell you about that, other than maybe to have a little more consideration and perhaps a bit more empathy. 

Thanks for the feedback, all. Much appreciated. We’re starting to drift into the realm of projection, assumption and judgement, so it looks like the thread has run it’s course. I’m signing out. Very helpful. Thanks. 

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

LOL my friend originally wasn't either.  I get it though.  I just wouldn't say "let's be friends" unless you really click on that level.  

Me neither. I was being genuine. I just think her idea of friendship is a little more involved than mine. But, whatever. I’ll see what happens. If she’s gonna act like we’re dating, I’m gonna distance myself. 

44 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sure if you both want that -go for it!  We have a friend who advertised for that on craigslist around 2005 or so -for cycling.  They married in 2007.

I’m definitely not interested in her that way. If that’s what she’s thinking, we’re not on the same page. I don’t see why I can’t stay connected to someone who I respect on a platonic level, but as I said in my op, maybe I’m being naive. 

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That doesn't sound like friendship - more like an activity partner/casual acquaintance.  Sorry I posted again as I didn't see that my post actually made it on to the thread -technical issues.

Yeah, that’s what she said, that she wanted an “activity friend”. Which is a label that makes sense for her, I suppose. I don’t have much use for labels like that. We’ll be friends if we’re meant to be, and if we’re not, we won’t. It’s not a big deal, afaic. 

Also for context, she also agreed we’re better as friends. Said we didn’t have the same love languages, whatever that means. 

5 minutes ago, Sally .C. said:

I suppose the problem is that friendship can be interpreted in so many ways. You say that to you, friendship with them means to "say hi on occasion," and that it should be on a "casual basis." But...is that their version of friendship? Maybe their version of friendship is, "let's continue spending time together as friends, and maybe something will bloom from that."

My suggestion would be to state in a straightforward manner that you don't feel a romantic connection, but you wish them well.

If you leave friendship on the table, that leaves the door open for them to contact you however often they want, based on whatever idea of friendship they have in their mind.

This is a good point. It leaves a lot of room open to interpretation. I’m not opposed to being platonic friends with her. She’s someone I’m glad I met. I’ll move forward based on my comfort level and gauge it from there. 

15 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

As a woman, this is all on you.

If you're looking for a girlfriend, why are you trying to collect female friends?

If you date a few times and feel there's no connection, simply say that, and move on.

I suspect you enjoy having these women orbit around you and try to win you back.  It feeds your need for desirability, having women text, call, and cajole you into liking them more.

How would a woman you truly like, who wants a relationship, feel with all these "friends", i.e. dates you've semi-discarded, hanging around?

Oh boy, here we go with the projections. I’ve stated very clearly what my intentions are. If you want to read into it, that’s up to you, but it’s not helpful. And I’m not a woman, which is something I’ve also clearly stated, lol. 

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't seem like they're pursuing you because you friendzoned them, it seems they're taking the "let's be friends" offer seriously. If you, as well as they, are looking for people to date it does seem to get hazy to stay "friends". All you can do is let them down easy but without the friends offer. 

Yes, maybe I’m being too nice and giving the wrong idea. I’m open to the idea of being friends on a casual basis, like if our schedules happen to line up or if we want to say hi on occasion, that’s fine. But I’m not interested in much beyond that. But this latest one is in pursuit after I said I wasn’t interested romantically and suggested perhaps friendship. She’s sending long, flirty texts on a daily basis, asking for dates, etc. My interest level in her just isn’t that high. 

21 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

People often hear what they want to hear rather then what is said. So somewhere in their mind they turn "let's be friends" into "I just need to pursue a little more." 

I have a hunch that maybe this is what is happening. 

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you say that ?  Do you really want a new friend ?  I simply declined another date or if they didn’t ask me out but expressed interest in friendship I declined that too. I am still friendly with two men I originally met through online dating sites. One I never ended up going on a first meet with but met him on a second date he went on with a woman in the city I’d moved to and the other I dated for about 6 weeks and we stayed in touch as friends. 

I say it because I think they’re interesting, but I’m not interested in them romantically. I don’t mind having a new friend if it turns out that way, but to me that means maybe I’ll call them when I have time or they’re free to perhaps call me if they have time, but it’s not a priority. I’m on the site looking for a girlfriend and I’m continuing my search.